Sunday, October 7, 2007

I hadn't planned on it. And here it is.

I'm feeling like a porcelain doll. Body cold. Expression fixed. The Trying so Hard to Look like I'm Fine face. It's cracking. The little hairline fractures are zipping up my doll-like body. Fissures now. Cracks that have weight. I am frightened and feel that I am holding on with my fingernails to what is left of this life in my role as a stay-at-home mom. Change is coming and it is coming fast. Faster than I can handle? Probably not. But, it feels turbulent and ferocious. Because I don't really want it. I hadn't planned on it. And here it is. The kids will be fine. They really will. Really. They will. And me? Well, I'll be fine, too. I just have to put one foot in front of the other. I am very strong. Just resistant to change. Especially change that comes about without your own orchestration. Yet, I am part of it. This is my life. I'm not a puppet dancing to the invisible strings of a manipulator offstage. I'm just a woman, a mother and wife, who does not feel ready to reenter the work force. And I must. AND .... IT .... SUCKS. It sucks. Intellectually I know that the act of going back to work could end up being a wonderful change. It is just that I'm afraid. Of? So many, many things. The worst being that my children will get less of me. And sometimes it feels like there's not much of me left ... now. What will it be like then? ... Deep breaths. Deep, deep breaths. I can do this. I just need some super glue.

Oh, and the POUND PLUS Milk Chocolate bar imported from Belgium? GONE... as of this last delicious minute. Every bite mine except for a small morsel that E arm wrestled me for...


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5 comments:

poetmom said...

Oh man, I feel for ya. Going back to work would be a big step after being a stay at home mom. I don't like change much either.
I just started reading your blog, I really enjoy it.:)

Shandy said...

Hi J,
I'm glad you found some work, but I understand how conflicted you must feel about it. You are an amazing person, as your blog reveals, and I'm sure your kids are going to continue to enjoy that. I send blessings and support...
S

JCK said...

Poetmom, yes it really is tough to get my head around it. Today felt a bit better. 2 small steps forward, one big KERPLUNK backwards... Thanks for stopping by!

Shandy, thanks for the cyber hugs you sweet girl! I'm hanging in there. Haven't actually found a job yet, just in the grips of figuring it all out and trying to get my feet to move forward...

Monica said...

God will provide just the right place for you to work. Leave the details to Him.

I've worked prn/part-time all of my mothering life and although it is a strain at times, I do love it. It is good for me to get out of my cocoon and face the world. It helps me know what it is my children will be facing all too soon.

I work because I need to for financial reasons (teacher don't get paid enough) and because I believe God has called me to it for now.

You'll do great and your kids will be proud.

Rachel said...

I had these same feelings - I was a SAHM for 13 years before returning to work. Been back at work for 6 years now :) Kids adjust, I finally did.. it works well. Kids see how to manage time, do things for themselves, appreciate mom's time and we still do things together - says a lot cause mine are teens and preteens :) Hang in there.

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