Sunday, January 13, 2008

I have to feel that I am doing more than scrabbling up a dirt hill via my fingernails

Balance. That's what I'm going for this year. I can picture myself thus. A balanced person. What does this person look like? It is yet to be determined. But, I know she exists. Somewhere in here. I can feel her tapping my insides, tickling my ribs, whispering to me: It's fun to be balanced. Try it. Your life will be so much easier. You sure set yourself up a lot. I mean, it's kind of HILARIOUS to watch you sometimes. The way you muddle through...


So, this is it. Soon I will be reentering the work force. (A job will appear that feels right and I will take it.) I will have to navigate the waters of employment from an outside source with being a mother and a wife --yet save a piece for myself. I've found that piece here in the last few months. And it has felt damn good. It is as if I have awakened from a long slumber and now that I have tasted from the delicious, delectable blank page of blogging, I don't want to let it go. I cannot. And I won't.

Yet... I have to feel that I am doing more than scrabbling up a dirt hill via my fingernails. It is cathartic to get dirty, but sometimes the dirt just feels ...well, dirty. My family is my ballast and I am the rudder (with a very bad sense of direction) and lest I forget even for a moment that this is true, thank GOD they are here to remind me of this. I can be my own woman and be a wife and a mother. Can't I? I really think I can. Being a mother has been the most amazing, joyful, enriching, frustrating, mind-blowing experience of my life. And I can't wait to see where the path will continue to lead us. I am here for them. I am here for my husband. I am here for me. I just need to find balance. Even for one day. And I think I'm on my way...I can feel it.


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11 comments:

liv said...

oh, sugar. if you feel balance or even get a taste, please let me know what it was like.

MamaGeek said...

I agree with Liv. Let us know what balance tastes like. I've been struggling for that my entire life. You. go. girl!

happygeek said...

So glad to hear you are re-gaining equlibrium, such a tricky thing with all the hats you wear in a single day!
Blogging keeps me sane too, when I can laugh at the cr*p instead of being overwhelmed by it, I feel I've accomplished something!

Jen said...

I really hope you find it, and I believe that you will. I believe we are better mothers and wives when we remember to make time for ourselves. It is definately tricky, though!

Mrs. G. said...

In my life, I struggle for balance on a weekly basis. I guess the real tragedy is when you quit trying. It can vary from day to day.

Rima said...

Blogging has been very good for me in this regard. More power to you!

Professor J said...

I know you can be your own woman and a wife and a mother; indeed, I see that on a regular basis in your writing, and I respect you for it.

Lisa Milton said...

It's possible, just not easy. I know you are up for it, and I hope it tastes sweet, on the days it all comes together.

Sober Briquette said...

"a job will appear..."

I'm waiting for that job to appear as well. I'm ready for it, so I'll know it when I see it.

And I won't listen to my husband when he tells me all the ways it's wrong.

Minnesota Matron said...

Something will appear. And it will feel good. I went back into the work force by jolts and spurts, first thinking I needed to take a 'real job' running a nonprofit. I hated the overwhelming nature of the beast Then, I was asked to teach one class at a local college and remembered why I loved teaching so, why I got those degrees. So now I'm an adjunct professor (I finished my dissertation while my first two were tiny and didn't pursue the job route) and it is PERFECT. I fly in, teach my three or four classes and fly out. No politics, no BS, no meetings. The kids barely know I have a job, although I do. And I love my students!

Good luck . . .it's a wacky journey.

HRH said...

My search for balance has resulted in a conserted effort toward avoiding inbalance...is that the same thing? I love reading the results of your delectable blank pages...

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