Tuesday, February 12, 2008

I don't tend to follow the planetary patterns, but perhaps I SHOULD


The last few days have looked something like this....

Sunday morning, E goes out to get into his truck and finds several checks from our joint account torn out of our checkbook and on the driveway. He comes to get me. We realize that someone has stolen my checkbook out of the van. Niiice. Then Mr. Detective searches the grounds (20 foot lot - hey, it is Southern California) and finds a homemade crack or pot pipe on the street behind his truck. Greeaat. We've got drugged-up thieves. Too bad they didn't drop off any of the big V. I could use a few handfuls by now. And NO, I do not speak of Viagra. McCain can have that. I speak of the V of relaaaaaxation...Valium. NEED IT!

You see, E had his checkbook stolen last summer and we had all kinds of identity theft crap that we had to deal with. This recent theft hits a raw spot. And we've been having a few incidents in our neighborhood over the last year and a half. Petty thefts. Why they call it petty, I'll never know. It's pretty damn UNpetty when it happens to you. So, we've had a few thefts, neighbors having rowdy parties advertised on MySpace and charging admission ...no, unfortunately, I do not jest about this. And you have to understand, we live in a small town in the foothills. Not some major metropolis. Just adjacent to that sprawling Los Angeles metropolis. So, that's that.

Except that the incident left me feeling somewhat depressed and out of sorts. It seems I am not alone. BOY was apparently unruly during what was supposed to be nap time at school yesterday and started rolling around the room, keeping some awake and basically started screaming when the teacher tried to stop him, which woke the rest of the kids up. Apparently...the noise carried down to the next room and those children awoke, too. Perhaps BOY and I both have our moons in R Anus or something. I don't tend to follow the planetary patterns, but perhaps I SHOULD. Definitely mooniness in the air. Although I am, I believe, much more disturbed. He's merely a 4 year old who wants to be naughty. I'm a 4ty 6yr old who NEEDS to act naughty. So, I ate most of the leftover cheesecake in the refrigerator. Left one piece for E. He never ate it, so I polished it off today. Livin' LARGE these days. Livin' LARGE. Luckily E likes a woman he can grab a hold of... Well, I've got a handful of JCK's arse here..but, where is the rest of the arse? Oh...just follow the sugary crumbs. What can I say? I worked up quite an appetite for sweets - rearranging all that furniture in the living room.

So, today while I'm still feeling that cheesecakey hangover, I call my recruiter on the phone - just to check-in. As I have been doing now, weekly, since last month. "It is just terrible...nothing is going on" she says. "I even made some calls to beat the bushes today."

Somehow, whenever I hear this refrain (and I've heard it now a FEW times), I end up feeling sorry for HER.

Then almost in a STAGE WHISPER she says, "You'll never guess what has happened with that temp that I put in for that job you turned down."

"What?" I whisper.

"She took the job and they gave her $$$$$!!"

"Wow", say I, making slicing motions across my wrists. Because at the moment....$$$$$ sounds pretty seductive.

"But...." she follows up, "you were SO right to turn it down, JCK, she is working TONS of overtime. TONS." That made me feel slightly better. I stopped making slicing motions and started banging my head against the wall. For therapy.

It wasn't all depressing. GIRL is learning her alphabet.

"P is for PENIS!" she shouted at lunchtime today.

"Well, GIRL, you are right," I said.... just too tired to redirect.

It seems that perhaps my path should be in homeschooling. At least my daughter is learning the alphabet. I could also teach her about nutrition and the need to feed the body. Or perhaps...chemistry, because instead of all that cheescake just sticking to my ass...it has by this time drifted down proportionally around my ankles ...to settle there...


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13 comments:

Jo said...

Petty is not really the word. That kind of thing is such a gigantic, huge, pain in the you-know-what. I am so sorry that happened to you, I would have eaten a whole cheesecake AND washed it down with some wine!

Kind of Crunchy Mama said...

That sucks. I was surprised how violated I felt having my purse stolen. I know it's just stuff, but it's your stuff. And having it happen at your own house makes it even creepier.

Jen said...

I'm so sorry that happened to you! Glad to see you still have your sense of humor intact, though. Also, if I were you I would sign on with another agent - this one seems worthless. I was once working with 3 at a time!

Bob said...

so - was "V for Vagina"?

cheesecake fixes many ailments.

I hope they didn't damage your cars too much getting to the checkbooks.

I wish I had some cheesecake right now....

Janet said...

What a royal pain in the butt. Hopefully they were too stoned to write the checks out properly and will get caught soon.

Unfortunately living in a small town is not immunity. Some stellar citizen in our community stole my children's Christmas present from my brother out of our mailbox. We know this because they discarded the box about 1/2 mile away. (Fortunately it was insured.) The only redeeming thing was that since it was personalized, they couldn't use it for anything. But that meant they probably just threw it away. Stupid rednecks.

jennifer h said...

When you get to V, be sure to teach her it's V for Valium.

Which I also could use.

But it sounds like you could use it more right now. All of that pretty much bl*ws.

I recommend more cheesecake.

Tootsie Farklepants said...

You need MORE cheesecake.

by Johanna Brandvik said...

oh, heck. sending love.

HRH said...

thank God you didn't take that job! We would never hear from you. I think you are doing a swell job of homeschooling...GIRL seems to have a propensity toward biology--good for her!

Mrs. G. said...

You would be a great homeschooler but the pay sucks. I think Girl would shine in the subject of anatomy...clearly she already has the basics down.

MamaGeek said...

P is for penis. Heh heh, is it wrong I giggle at that?

Dude. You ate all the cheesecake? The day wasn't SO bad.

Chin up, tomorrow's a better day.

Minnesota Matron said...

Oh my. Cheesecake is sounding good to me, too, and I wasn't even there. It's funny but all over the blogosphere -at least my corner of it -there is unease and anxiety. Perhaps there IS something astrological going on. Hang on while I google that.

Minnesota Matron said...

Oh my. Cheesecake is sounding good to me, too, and I wasn't even there. It's funny but all over the blogosphere -at least my corner of it -there is unease and anxiety. Perhaps there IS something astrological going on. Hang on while I google that.

But super UGH about the crack pipe. Lovely.

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