Tuesday, May 6, 2008

How come I missed out on the tummy tuck?!

Aging. What a beautiful thing.

About, oh...a year ago, I was invited over to a close friend of my mom's to try on clothes that she didn't want anymore. She was ready to part with them. Since my wardrobe speaks of Target with only the occasional flash of Rod Stewart boots...mmm..preKIDS, I was IN. My mom went with me. I knew it was going to be a good time when my mom's friend opened up a bottle of wine at 3pm in the afternoon. The feeling was cemented when she walked in the guestroom bearing an armload of clothes and kept going back for more. It was a little overwhelming and intimidating...but, I hung in there. You see, I don't really have that "shopping gene" that most women seem to have. It makes me a little anxious and uncomfortable. I love great clothes, but the process of acquiring them - even when presented as a gift is not something that comes easily. As I slipped on leggings, shimmied into pants and slid sexy tops over my head, I felt as if in a dream. I was molting out of outfits and into new ones that definitely didn't feel like couture de Targay.


But then...

You have a beautiful figure. Enjoy it while you can. Once you hit a certain age, well ...it just isn't the same. And it never goes back.

It appears that the lady with the bounty friggin' cursed me. Wham! Not even a year and a half later...It has happened. I am 46 years old. And my stomach in the belly button area looks as if Saggy Baggy Elephant has taken up residence. My stomach! Forget droop. It drips. And there is this certain area directly over the belly button that looks as if it is there to stay. I don't know how to describe it really...other than a bread that's risen...and fallen. Kind of sunk in the center. I did gain 45lbs during my pregnancy with GIRL. It felt right. I ate everything. I was ZAFTIG and round. I loved it. I lost the weight, mostly due to running after BOY and having two children 10 months apart. Imagine a woman with two baby shaped footballs under each arm, running - and that was me.

But, I don't do all that much running any more. Unless I am running AWAY FROM THE KIDS into the house because...after all, it is JackO'Clock. And the addition of blogging into my life has been delightful, but sedentary. Alas, I believe I have hit that certain age. And it isn't fair, dammit! I don't feel 46. I feel...mmm 36.

When I went in for my postpartum 6 week check-up after giving birth to GIRL, I thought it would be a good time to bring up the subject of having my tubes tied. NOPE. Apparently, the time to bring up having your tubes tied is RIGHT AFTER BIRTH!! My OB/GYN sighed ...as if looking at that sad stray that's been hanging around your house begging for scraps.

I'm SO sorry, JCK. The time to have your tubes tied would have been right after you gave birth to GIRL. It would be quite a procedure at this point. Dangerous.

You've got to be fucking KIDDING me...I wanted to say. I'll show YOU dangerous, baby!! Dangerous is sending this woman home to her husband!! But, I slunk home and GLARED at E. Vasectomy...I hissed. And he wonders why every time he leers at me my hair stands on end. The thought of getting pregnant again, EVER again, is a thought that warrants a sign-up for that indefinite stay at Casa de Insane Asylum. Having more than 2 children is FABULOUS ...for OTHER people. I'll just hum along with 2 children, thank you very much. Keep your PopAwheelie's reserved for the 14 day safe margin. I'll wave the fishnets, you bring the blanks.

But, the worst thing? The worst thing about all of this...this, flesh dripping, aging thing? The worst thing is that it all could have been avoided. Yes, MA'AM! You see, I missed out BIG TIME. My friends who got the little "snip, snip tube tying action" also got a bonus. A free tummy tuck. Yes. They. Did. Wenches! And all I want to know is this...how come I missed out on the tummy tuck!?
**Picture Credit: Google Images


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24 comments:

A Mom Two Boys said...

Hmmmm...a free tummy tuck? Sounds sketchy. I wouldn't jump at it, just like I wouldn't let Dr. 90210 EVER TOUCH ME. He's seriously creepy. Seriously.

Nora Bee said...

Hee hee. I have heard about these two-in-one jobs. My guess is the tummy tuck don't last long, eh? Can't fight gravity...

Kalynne Pudner said...

Woah, if my one brutish insensitive OB had thrown in the offer of a tummy tuck, I might not have thrown my ice chips in his face when he suggested the tube-tying. (I mean, REALLY! Like something would have changed between Number Eight and Number Nine that would make it something I'd consider now, all of a sudden?)

You think YOU'RE dripping...I can't even locate my belly button anymore.

flutter said...

tummy tuck? Yes please!

Jennifer H said...

PopAWheelies! ha!

I would be a mess if I got pregnant with a third. I'd have to give birth in the mental institution.

Wanna hear something funny? Really friggin' funny? I was scheduled to have my tubes tied after my 2nd. We were done, no question. Then Mr H said, "Oh, I don't want you to have to go through the procedure. I'll get a vascectomy instead." Well, 7 years later? Has. not. happened.

Funny, isn't it?

But I've extracted a promise of a tummy tuck. Stay tuned. And count the years until it actually happens.

Angeline said...

Oh I'm just 15 years away before I really need this...15 years is a long way? no! I've passed 30 years of my life in a flash!

SuburbanCorrespondent said...

Really, if you already look like that after one pregnancy, a few more pregnancies wouldn't make much difference!

It must be the age that makes our bodies, um, less elastic. My younger pregnancies I looked great after. Now, not so much...

Jen said...

What gets me is the cottage cheesy stuff in my thighs - GAH! The low rise jeans fad does nothing for the belly problem, either. The belly flops out over the top of the jeans, mocking me while I scream silently to myself. But, then I look around and notice bellies flopping all around me - it's inevitable. You look great!

Lisa Milton said...

I cannot make breezy funny comments about failing body parts today.

I'm just about fed up.

Then again, I'm here and loved, drips, drops and all.

And I know you are too.

(And ever so lovely, may I add.)

Lisa said...

If I can ever wean Spanky I fully intend to get the entire 'MOM JOB' and hubby knows it ;)

liv said...

After watching my friend recover from girl surgery for the past week, I've decided that with small children, I just can't risk it. The downtime, the anesthesia. oof. you look great, JCK.

Manic Mommy said...

I actually got ANGRY when I read that they could take a little out while they were tyin' the tubes.

When I had the suspicious mole removed from my shoulder, I asked to have my thighs sucked too. Answer: everyone asks that.

anglophilefootballfanatic said...

You are really making me think it's time for that deviated septum surgery...for the nose job that comes with it.

I'm so sorry you missed out on your tummy tuck. Free plastic that the insurance company is willing to pay for is few & far between.

Mrs. G. said...

All I can stay is keep away from the Spanx-I'd rather have a tummy tuck...on the kitchen table.

Rima said...

I knew that I missed out on the tube tying when I had my second C-section, but I was unaware that I'd been screwed on the tummy tuck, as well. Also, I used to love clothes shopping and now, although I love having great clothes, I can't stand the thought of schlepping to the mall and trying stuff on. I think that might be a sign of aging too, huh?

happygeek said...

Yeah,
after two c-sections ANY kind of abdominal surgery gives me the willies.
But then when changing at the pool my child decided to play with the squoosh in my belly.
LOVELY.
Maybe tucking isn't so bad after all.

HRH said...

No crop tops for me. Ugh. I haven't seemed to come across an exercise for loose skin. ugh. I would recommend the tubal ligation afterward so you can get the uterine ablation...now we are talking. Better than a tummy tuck.

Mighty Morphin' Mama said...

tee hee!
I wonder if I can get the doctor to do a little tucking with my probable c-section this time. After 6 births, I will really need this!

Tootsie Farklepants said...

I had my tubes tied 3 months after Girl-Child was born. Yes it was under general anesthesia but it was laparoscopic surgery. The only big deal about it was the dangers of general anesthesia.

painted maypole said...

tummy tuck and tubes tied? i missed out on that.

I'm only 33 and I can see the difference in my tummy a LOT this year. or that could be my lack of exercising.

which I am off to do...

sigh.

Karen MEG said...

I did not know that the free tummy tuck was an option. Mind you, I had both kids vaginally, so that wouldn't have worked with me.

I need one pretty badly, though, no matter how many ab crunches, those tummy DRIPs do not go away. Without surgical intervention.

My girlfriend had her tubes tied after her C-section ... but then she was in major, major pain during recovery.

I think the next snip has to be the man. Just sayin.

BTW, you look great. And dangerous ;)

Don Mills Diva said...

My tummy has never been the same since my c-section - I wanna a tummy tuck!

phd in yogurtry said...

I'm the poster child of tummy tuck need. A 60lb gain with Pg #1, twin Pg carrying 14lbs worth of babies, and two c-sections later, my tummy is a declared disaster zone. A road map on fallen bread dough, that's a great way to describe it.

Janet said...

I think the whole accordion belly (Yes, I have it too) is an age thing. 40-year-old skin just simply forgets to spring back. The Queen was a c-section (I should post that nightmare sometime) so I knew the second one would be, and we arranged to have my tubes tied at the same time. NO ONE TOLD ME ABOUT A TUMMY TUCK! How rude. Two is plenty. I have nothing but complete respect, admiration, and awe for those who have more, but I am well aware of my limitations, thank you. And the first c-section was much more painful and took longer to recover from than the second, even with the addition of tube-tying. I never used to get why people would undergo plastic surgery, but I do now. The trouble is, where do you stop? If you do your eyes, you have to do your lips, or just get a whole face lift, but then there's that belly, and the thighs - you can't fix just one!

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