Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Perhaps episodes of Thirtysomething could be a tutorial





Remember this? Thirtysomething. I loved this show. I was in my 20s when it came out in 1987. Single and unattached. Yet, I identified with the show. It was a huge hit, more than Marshall Herskovitz and Edward Zwick ever imagined. "What we thought of as esoteric, which meant specific and honest -- specific to a group of people and honest about their lives -- ended up having a universal appeal that we absolutely did not foresee," Herskovitz said.

And then there were the show's bashers who called it whiny and annoying. Perhaps it was, at times. Yet,there isn't anything on television today that delves so deeply into the pysches of men and women, the intimate dance in relationships, and the challenges we have today in our roles. I can't help but think how much more I would relate to it today. Season 1 will be released on DVD in August. Perhaps episodes of Thirtysomething could be a tutorial. I just may add it to my Netflix queue. Maybe I can pick up some pointers...


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Monday, April 27, 2009

Do men feel this way? Have we lost respect for men?

I am intrigued with the male perspective on feminism, masculinity, and issues in our present culture. What is it to be male today? A year and a half ago the subject came up, unexpectedly, and started me thinking....

What have we lost? We were at the Gene Autry museum for a birthday party and the question seemed to surface repeatedly. As the men stood and watched their children ride faux, life size horses, they looked around discussing the elaborate get-up of the long, lost cowboy. We've lost so much, one man said to me. We looked around and saw how our clothes have changed -spurs on the boots, pistols with inlay, and the hats. Maybe this is why we get so little respect. It was not said with any kind of rancor or bitterness, but with a matter-of-factness, which surprised me. Do men feel this way? Have we lost respect for men?

And what were the women talking about? How they have so little time with their children. How they feel that the mornings are all about the scramble before school - getting dressed, bolting down food, packing the backpacks and lunches - and then having a brief blip of conversation with their children. As one woman talked the other nodded, vehemently agreeing with her every word. In another conversation, a woman blurted out that she was going to stay at home this year with her two children. The woman by her side told her how lucky she was. It seems that we value, secretly or not, the ability and/or desire to stay at home with our children.

And so, what have we lost? It is easy to find the loss. It is here, in the words spoken today. Yet, I like to reflect on what we've gained. We have boys who can see that their dads are capable of gentleness. Boys who are, at 3 and 4, allowed to cry and are not shushed for expressing their feelings. Boys who hug each other, and also know their way around a load of laundry and the kitchen. And the girls? We have girls who have many role models - women who have full lives as single women, the choice to have children or not... Moms who work jobs outside of the home, and the moms who work by staying at home with their children. They have choices. Choices that weren't there for us before.

Maybe we as women and men can reach out to each other and acknowledge the loss of our elusive masculine and feminine selves. But, also face down our animus, and embrace our true souls that have stretched and grown into who we are today. The long lost cowboy is still inside us, as is that prairie woman. Both a bit trail weary, but still innate inside of us.


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Sunday, April 26, 2009

What's being said & the goings on lately at Casa de Motherscribe

It is spring time. A time to bask in the glory of warmer days, the soft scent of flowers perfuming the air, and the noise of children playing outside. It is a time to get one's fingers in the soil and nurture the new growth of winter plantings.

BOY's hair is long again. It hasn't been long since he was about 2 or 3. I can't bear to cut it. It is that gorgeous blond, impossibly thick hair that catches the sunlight and looks like butter. The kind of hair that reminds you of when you were a teenager and that new boy, the one who looked like a surfer, just moved to town. That kind of hair. The kind of hair that other women comment on and just...*sigh* Perhaps even more adorable because he has no consciousness of it. Most days he likes it, although he occasionally mentions wanting to have a haircut. And, if he decides that is what he wants to do, we'll do it... But, we've gotten through that in-between stage. The challenging stage when the hair is looking a bit shaggy, and needs to be sprayed down in back. BOY has his own name for that stage. He calls it...

OH.....NO! My hair looks like a big bowl of spaghetti.
(BOY upon looking at himself in the mirror one morning.)

GIRL & BOY like to play outside. I like them to play outside, and feel pretty good about the fact that I let my children take risks. Frequently, they're on their own in the backyard while I'm inside within hearing distance. Occasionally there is what we call...mischief. Like the time I walked out when GIRL was screaming NO, BOY, NO!!! Yes. That time I found that BOY had taken the ride-on rocket up on top of the play structure, and wanted to ride it down the slide. Or, there was another incident where BOY had a chair up on the slide and wanted to see if he could ride the big lawn chair down the slide. That time, he had this to say when I found him mid-flight:

When I have children and they're not cautious like me I'm going to take the boys to sit on a slide and read stories. It will be a big, big slide, as big as our giant cactus!

As then there are the questions.... just to make sure I'm listening.

Mommy, how did the alphabet get in order?

Ahem. ***clearing of throat....AAAHHHEM***
JCK: BOY, that is SUCH a GREAT question! I don't know.

Meanwhile GIRL is on a quest to learn and write down every letter of the alphabet. The self-motivation and inner drive of my GIRL continues to astonish me. She loves asking me how to spell words and then she writes them down. She has been writing letters to people. I was sick for a couple of days this week, and she made this for me. It is a picture of GIRL and myself in the lovely grass with a flower. I believe once that letter was in hand, I was well on my way to recovery. After I mopped up some tears.

GIRL is growing in confidence with her physical body. She is taking more risks to stretch and pull and push herself. The soft rounded limbs are getting more muscular. I revel in her belief that she is physically strong. Because she is.

Yesterday they put together a band, just BOY & GIRL. The band consisted of Tinkertoy sticks and attachments. They clacked their way around the back yard, while I watched. Then I joined in with a sand pail filled with leftover empty plastic Easter eggs. I just rattled and shook myself along behind them.

And then there was BOY's obstacle course. Thrown together with pure creativity, and requiring props and equipment found in the back yard.
The Course: Hop over 2 sand pails, crawl under the ballet bar (usually referred to as their LIMBO bar), somersault down the gym mat, lift two bouncy balls high in the air as if you are Anton the great weightlifter from Russia, jump on the high end of the see saw and crash to the ground, whack the miniature soccer ball off the T-ball stake with a bat, kick the soccer ball, jump off the chair, chuck the soft baseball as far as you can, then throw the Nerf football up into the tree, and then...you're home. Our back yard is still scarce on grass, much to E's chagrin. But, BOY & GIRL? They're diggin it. And apparently it's good for kids to eat dirt from time to time, so we've got that covered. Oh...about 3 years ago. But, it's not the dirt that I'm worried about. OH, NO. This time of year I start getting anxious because I know that E starts looking at the back yard as if it has a NEON sign blinking POTENTIAL PLACE FOR GRASS TO GROW. And if you don't remember what can happen when E sees potential in our back yard, then let me just leave you with this...the grass is not always greener...


Happy Sunday!


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Friday, April 24, 2009

The Motherscribe Interview Series: the 23rd interview...


My 23rd interview is with Kizz who is 40 years old. She lives in New York City and is single. She has a blog called 117 Hudson.


What does the word feminist mean to you? Has the meaning changed over time? It calls to mind a bygone era, honestly. It’s about Gloria Steinham and Betty Friedan and women in the 70s protesting. While I see other types of people as feminist now the picture in my mind when I hear the word remains the same.

Do you consider yourself a feminist? No

Would others consider you a feminist? Some of them, sure.

If you are a feminist, do you feel comfortable owning that title in your everyday life? No, I feel as though I’m too traditionalist for the feminists and too feminist for the traditionalists.

What are some images that come to mind when you think of the women’s movement? Gloria Steinham, Betty Friedan, marches on Washington, very standard fare.

What was the greatest gift of the women’s movement? Women are being heard. (I’ve read this response over a few times and I kind of hate it but can’t seem to phrase it more to my liking so I’m going to let it lie. Maybe someone else’s interview or comment will help me rework it.)

What was the greatest failure of the women’s movement? I think that the radical stances that were probably required to make some of the great strides have made some women with less radical viewpoints feel separated from the movement.

Did your mother work outside the home? Sometimes. She taught, she worked in a factory and in an office but she also took care of kids in the home a lot of my growing up.

How did that affect you growing up? As an only child having the other kids around was probably good for me. Also on the only child front, when she was away I wasn’t too bothered since I like being by myself, I liked the freedom. I wasn’t a terrible kid, I had a pretty good self-regulating mechanism.

What impression did that leave with you about women working outside the home? I can’t think of any woman I knew as a kid who didn’t work outside the home for some portion of her day. I just thought it was something women did. I have a very utilitarian view of working to pay the bills. You do your job. You don’t necessarily do something you love but when the math demands it you take what you can get. Working, at something, was just something people did, gender wasn’t so much an issue.

Was your mother a homemaker? My mom has a lot of skills in the homemaking department but I wouldn’t call her a homemaker, even when she was home full time.

How did that affect you growing up? Not at all. My mom has this extensive knowledge of etiquette and society and a really lax attitude about having any use for either thing. So I almost always had the tools to deal with situations and was rarely embarrassed by not knowing how to deal with something but I also never had a bug for any of those conventions. I don’t think that was clear. She taught me how people expected things to be done but that didn’t mean she had a Martha Stewartesque need to do them.

Did your father respect your mother?

Did your mother respect your father? These two I have to answer together. I’m still learning, both from my parents and from my memory, a lot about what went on between them when I was a kid and wow, I’m damned if I know. I’m pretty sure my parents were in the process of getting divorced from the time I was a very young kid. Maybe they didn’t know it but it seems likely. On a basic human level they respected each other but not on a higher, I don’t know, love kind of level, the kind you hope to have when you think about being partnered. All that being said they allowed each other to make their own choices and, in most cases, supported those choices fully but I think that might have been out of some kind of general human respect rather than a specific respect for the other person.

Who were your earliest female role models other than your mother? My Auntie Blanche, an adopted grandmother to me and a lot of my friends. She was a music teacher, and an only child who never married. I had 2 grandmothers, 2 great grandmothers, the mothers of most of my friends and a few fabulous teachers as well as younger women that my parents taught and mentored.

Was getting married/partnered a conscious goal or focus early on in your adulthood? I wanted to be partnered, sure, but I never had that every-girl-plans-her-wedding-from-the-time-she’s-5 thing. As a matter of fact I never even had a picture of myself married in my head until I was probably in my 30s. Still doesn’t seem very likely or desirable. Partnered still does, though.

Is there an event(s) that affected you in childhood/adolescence that impacted your identity in a positive or negative way? I hate to have this be the answer but it’s the only one that feels right so I have to lay it out here. The single biggest event in my childhood that shaped my approach to life had to be my parents separation and eventual divorce. The clear signs of departure began when I was about 10 and they were officially divorced 3 years ago, when I was 37. It was the sort of thing that would come to a head and then you’d think you’d have it handled just about the time the next phase would ambush you. As much as I’d like to have built a life separate from what I learned on that 27 year journey I’d have to have been some sort of alien to have accomplished that. I suspect some of the impact was positive and I know that much of it was negative but the part I really still hate about it is that I’m not done dealing with it yet. I’ll have to work on/with this “event” at least as long as my parents live and probably longer.

Have you ever dieted? I’m doing it right now. I didn’t eat much as a teenager, more of a control issue than a weight issue. A couple of years ago, having put on a lot of weight since high school, I felt I didn’t recognize myself. I lost about 30 lbs with Weight Watchers. I was maintaining pretty well then had a little gain so I’ve made a pact with a neighbor to work the program again while I get back to where I feel comfortable and she does a relatively major redesign.

Are you happy and/or comfortable with your weight? I am now, yeah, I’m in a place where when I look at a photo I know who’s looking back. There are still things I might like to see change but I’m not uncomfortable about what people see of me now.

Would you describe yourself as someone with “body issues?” If so, when do you remember this starting? What do you attribute it to? Sure. I think you’d be hard pressed to find someone who doesn’t. The issues I have with my body aren’t steering my life, though, so I think it’s OK.

What do you wish your mother had told you about marriage, life, anything…that you didn’t hear from her? My mom has always been pretty open. Most of the time I wish she’d tell me less. I can’t think of anything I wish she’d told me.

What role did your father play in your childhood? I don’t know that I know how to separate that from the next question. He was a pretty hands on dad. As an only child I was brought along on most outings no matter what they were so I hung out with my parents a lot. My dad took me to work with him from the time I was a baby.

What was your relationship like with your father? My photograph is in the Urban Dictionary to serve as definition for “Daddy’s Girl.” It’s a much harder thing to be as a grown up but it’s glorious as a kid.

How do you feel about aging? My people live a long-ass time. On both sides of my family if you don’t make it to 85 you’re clearly a slacker or should have used a crosswalk so I’ve seen a lot of people age over a long period of time. I’m afraid of being really old, of being dependent and unhappy and not being able to let go. I’m unsure of how I stand right now. I look pretty young and, as I said, I’m feeling pretty good about my body but it’s much different than the low maintenance, easily pleased body of just a few years ago. I have a big scar in the center of my forehead from a basal cell carcinoma removal, my feet keep getting bigger, my digestive system can’t decide what to do. I get really frustrated when things go wrong with my body because I’m used to it just going and doing and now it requires 50,000 mile maintenance. I resent having to spend time and money on that sort of thing and I don’t do it well. Plus there’s the whole wish to be partnered, not to mention the yearning for sex, and honestly I don’t know if this body (or this mind) is going to get me that. Wow, that sounds truly shallow but I can’t think of a better way to phrase it.

How do you feel about plastic surgery? I’m scared of surgery, all kinds. I don’t think I would have voluntary surgery. For other people I just worry about the self-perpetuating nature of it.

Did your mother or another caretaker talk to you about sex and what to expect? Oh god yes. My mother. I had the Where Did I Come From books and my mom was all about the talking about it. Some days you couldn’t shut her up.

How was your first sexual experience? Not fantastic. I did it because it seemed like such a big honking deal and I just needed it out of the way so I could deal with the rest of sex. So that first time was fine but not great. The next partner however was fucking amazing and I wouldn’t have had that with him if I hadn’t, you’ll pardon the expression, gotten over the hump with the uncomfortable experience.

Is marriage liberating or inhibiting sexually? I lived with a guy for many years and I found it limiting. I am alternately worried and excited to live with someone else to see if it was the fact of partnership that hindered us or our partnership specifically.

What makes you feel sexy? Someone laughing at my jokes. An intense discussion. A good pair of shoes. Chocolate. Champagne.

Do you have the energy/desire for sex at the end of the day? Some days. Orgasm often makes me sleepy.

What turns you on? A hand on the back of my neck. A deep chuckle or low growl. Kisses, lots of kisses. Erotic stories, photos, video.

What would make your sex life better? Having it include someone else’s participation.

How do you feel about the sexualizing of young women in our society? I think it’s setting them up for failure on so many levels. But then I also think that making a huge deal out of it for them when they might not see it that way can be just as harmful. Right now we’ve reached a point where they’re being sexualized by the media and advertising at the same age that kids dress up for harmless fun. It confuses the issue a thousand fold. I don’t like that girls get pushed toward wearing skimpy clothing and tailoring their bodies to specific ideals but I also think that forbidding them the opportunity to try on different looks and personalities may not counter the sexualization as much as highlight it.

What do you do for a living? I work as an administrative assistant for relatively rich semi-retired people.

Do you enjoy being single? Yeah, there’s a lot to like.

Would you like to get married at some point? No, not really, but I’d like to have a partner of some kind. I’d also like to find a better word than partner.

What are you looking for in a mate? Someone who I work well with. Someone who, when paired with me, can help me feel safe enough to take more chances. Somebody with a sense of humor. Someone who will take out the garbage. I hate to take out the garbage.

Do you feel that if you were married your life would be complete? Aw hell no. As I said above I lived with a guy for 5 years, we were together for 7. It’s possible that during that period I was less complete. While I want to do better than that next time I’m not expecting the mere fact of a partnership to be some miracle cure.

Are you afraid of having children and that changing you/your life? I’m not afraid of it, no. I do think that if I had children it would change my life in huge leaps and bounds.

Would you like children? Why? I don’t have any interest in being pregnant. For one I’m just not on board with using my body that way, it has correlations for me to the plastic surgery question. Secondly there are plenty of kids in the world already who need families. If I were to have kid(s) I’m pretty sure I’d adopt. That being said, if I found myself accidentally pregnant I think I would (good lord what is the PC phrase here? I feel like I’ve just backed into a corner with a lit stick of dynamite) continue the pregnancy. (How’s that?)

Would you like to be child-free? Why? I’m OK with being child-free. There are a lot of kids in my life and plenty of ways in which I could add more (tutoring, mentoring, teaching, spending more time with different friends and their families). I love other people’s kids and I take the role of non-parent adult pretty seriously. I was helped and formed and loved so much by adults in my life who weren’t (aren’t) my parents and I like to think I’m paying that forward.

How do you combat stress? Sometimes I just need a day where nothing is scheduled and nothing has to happen (besides walking the dog & feeding the pets). If I go too long without having a day quietly at home, even when there are things to be accomplished there, I feel myself fraying. I turn inward to recharge, reading in bed, watching TV & movies, and a lot of sleep help me.

Do you get out regularly with friends? Absolutely. I’m lucky to live in a neighborhood with good friends close by. Sometimes we’ll just get together to walk dogs to the park or have a meal or go out for a drink. I also have a group that gets together once a month for brunch. We go to a different place every month, there’s no pressure for people to RSVP or to come every time. We’ve been doing it for something like 5 years now and it’s one of my favorite traditions. I also have a mostly regular standing movie date with a friend/old boss I recently reconnected with. I feel as though I should probably go out more. I live in a big city with lots to do and I think I let a lot of it pass me by but I also know that my temperament (and my wallet) can’t stand being out and “on” all the time. I have 2 things planned for this coming week and I’m already starting to panic a little about being away from home “so much.” I have come so far in an inward direction from the busy twenty-something who left her house at 8am and returned at midnight 6 days a week at minimum.

Are you happy and/or fulfilled with your life? Why? I’m getting there. I work a job that isn’t my calling and it allows me to do things I like to do (eat, own my apartment, feed my pets) and the things I’m called to do (act, write, take photos) but it also sucks a lot of the life out of me and keeps me from doing those things. Or I use it as an excuse to keep from doing those things.

What did you dream of being when you were a child? Writer, actress, princess, secretary. (I’m a secretary now, let’s all just file that in the Careful What You Wish For category, shall we?)

What do you yearn for? Jeez, what don’t I yearn for. Sex, making my living doing what I love, being back on the stage, delicious kisses, a feeling of safety & peace. Did I mention the sex?


Thank you, Kizz


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The Motherscribe Interviews are closed to comments. For more about Kizz, please find her on 117 Hudson.


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Thursday, April 23, 2009

The Motherscribe Interview Series: the 22nd interview...

My 22nd interview is with Kate from Washington State. She is 54 years old, married with two children. She works outside the home. She has a blog called Ahead of the Wave.


What does the word feminist mean to you? Has the meaning changed over time? Feminism to me means equal pay for equal work, equal opportunities for men and women, and freedom from domination by men in any aspect of life.

Do you consider yourself a feminist? Yes

Would others consider you a feminist? Likely

If you are a feminist, do you feel comfortable owning that title in your everyday life? Yes, I do.

What was the greatest gift of the women’s movement? Equal pay for equal work although this is still not universal.

Did your mother work outside the home? Yes.

How did that affect you growing up? Mom was a teacher and well respected by students and families. I felt proud of her accomplishments.

What impression did that leave with you about women working outside the home? I felt that women could follow their passions.

Was your mother a homemaker? No.

Did your father respect your mother? Yes.

Did your mother respect your father? Yes.

Who were your earliest female role models other than your mother? Teachers, especially when I left home at age 15 to attend a boarding school in Texas.

What did you dream of being when you were a child? Someone glamorous and rich….(sorry, but it’s true)

Was getting married/partnered a conscious goal or focus early on in your adulthood? No.

Is there an event(s) that affected you in childhood/adolescence that impacted your identity in a positive or negative way? Absolutely. I was a victim of sexual molestation as a teenager and that experience left an indelible mark on my person; a real “before” and “after” event. Keeping this a “secret” for over 30 years and blaming myself is finally coming to an end. A negative can turn into a positive with time and a commitment to truth telling.

Have you ever dieted? Not seriously.

Are you happy and/or comfortable with your weight? Actually, yes.

Would you describe yourself as someone with “body issues?” If so, when do you remember this starting? What do you attribute it to? Very few body issues; some as a teen but less important as I’ve added years to my life.

What do you wish your mother had told you about marriage, life, anything…that you didn’t hear from her? Not really; I probably wouldn’t have listened anyway.

What role did your father play in your childhood? He wasn’t around much; he was busy with work and when not, was taking care of his own need for “down time”. He was supportive but not too involved in day to day living.

What was your relationship like with your father? We’ve become much closer as time has gone by; I always felt loved even when he was “distant”. His love was always there.

How do you feel about aging? I love what it does to my brain (smarter) but I don’t care for what it does to my body (stamina, especially).

How do you feel about plastic surgery? Not interested.

Did your mother or another caretaker talk to you about sex and what to expect? Not as much as I would have liked.

How was your first sexual experience? I can’t remember; it was all “wrong” and I’ve blocked it out.

Is marriage liberating or inhibiting sexually? Neither.

What makes you feel sexy? Hmmmm….not sure.

Do you have the energy/desire for sex at the end of the day? No.

What turns you on? Someone who’s turned on by me.

What would make your sex life better? Turning back the clock 15 years.

How do you feel about the sexualizing of young women in our society? Very sad; it’s a societal problem created by both men and women unfortunately.

What is your work/career? Physician

What are the challenges of being a working mom? The guilt over letting others take care of your children.

If you had a choice to be at home with your children, would you? No. Do you see evidence of “The Mommy Wars” in your everyday life? No. Most of my women friends worked outside the home and most had children. They were like me in most respects.

Was the decision an economic one (e.g., your family requires two incomes)? No.

Do you beat yourself up for not spending enough time with your kids? No. When I wasn’t working I spent almost every moment with them when they were young. They had a lot of Mom (and Dad) time.

Do you feel supported by your partner? Absolutely.

Do you feel supported by other women? Yes.

Do you feel valued in your workplace? Absolutely.

Do you feel valued at home? Not as much as in the workplace.

Do you believe a happy, fulfilled mom is a better mom whether her choice is to work outside the home or to stay at home with her children? Yes, I do.

Can women do it all? I don’t think so; a partner/spouse who is willing to pitch in 50:50 or 70:30 or 20:80 and go with the flow and be sensitive to the needs of the entire family is essential. I was lucky.

How old are your children? 21 and 23 (yeah!)

What do you want to do differently with your children than what you received from your parents? I hope I’ve prepared them better for the unexpected twists in life but I suspect they’ll meet up with challenges that I never had and will therefore be forging ahead without the benefit of preparation. That’s life.

What would you like to carry on that your parents established with you? A respect and love for traditions.

How has having children changed the relationship with your partner? We are closer for having raised these two children. This was our hardest work together and we “did it”.

Do you have dates with your partner? Yes.

Do you have personal “ME” time scheduled every week/every day? Yes.

Has it been challenging to retain a separate sense of self from your role as mother & wife? Not really.

What do you do to facilitate that? Does your partner help make that happen? My career keeps me grounded in a role other than wife/mother and is totally separate. My husband has always respected my need to work outside the home.

How do you combat stress? I talk it out with whoever will listen.

Do you get out regularly with girlfriends? No, but wish I could. Women are a wonderful resource for other women.

Do you help create personal space for your partner? Absolutely. I sometimes muse that he has his physical space in the house and I have mine; we meet up of course but privacy and personal time alone is something we both need and have gifted each other.

Does your partner share in household tasks? Yes. He is the cook. And he cleans too.

How did you think your life would be when you got married? How do you feel now? I never looked beyond about 5 years when I got married; I just couldn’t “see” that far ahead. The first 5 years were pretty much spot on. I then looked at the next 5 and so on. Now I look back on a 30 year marriage and see all the hills and valleys in our relationship, the good times and the awful times. I still can only see about 5 years ahead.

What do you love about being a working mom? If I hadn’t had a career while raising my young ones, I would have gone nuts. I needed the balance of career and motherhood to make sense out of both.

Are you happy and/or fulfilled with your life? Why? I’ll be honest; no I am not happy or fulfilled in my life. Why? Because I still struggle to accept that joy comes from within.

What do you yearn for? Relief from worry, acceptance, and joy.



Thank you, Kate


****************************************
The Motherscribe Interviews are closed to comments. For more about Kate, please find her on Ahead of the Wave.


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Wednesday, April 22, 2009

The Motherscribe Interview Series: the 21st interview...

My 21st interview is with Mary from Minnesota. She is 46 years old, married with 3 children. She works outside the home. She has a blog called Minnesota Matron.


What does the word feminist mean to you? Has the meaning changed over time? A feminist stands and strives for gender equity. This meaning has changed for me. Initially, I would’ve argued that feminism is about gender equality. But a fabulous article by Katherine McKinnon (I think) changed my thinking in this regard. Life experience solidified that shift.

Do you consider yourself a feminist? Yes! I have a PhD in English with a minor in Feminist Studies from what was then the Center for Advanced Feminist Studies at the University of Minnesota. So not only do I consider myself a feminist, I am credentialed.

Would others consider you a feminist? Oh yes.

If you are a feminist, do you feel comfortable owning that title in your everyday life? Absolutely.

What are some images that come to mind when you think of the women’s movement? The image that just popped into my head was a big mob of women with signs in front of the White House. The second image is an African-American girl who grew up to be Secretary of State – or CEO or CFO or accomplished attorney.

What was the greatest gift of the women’s movement? The gender equity scales are much more balanced!

What was the greatest failure of the women’s movement? The women’s movement didn’t revolutionize the culture as much as it allowed women more equity in a male-dominated, defined world. Why couldn’t we have challenged assumptions that structure and fuel (quick and obvious examples) war, work and politics. For example, Hillary Clinton morphed and grooved to fit into a politician as closely related to that of her male counterparts rather than rejecting those standards and creating something new, like, maybe Cher? Imagine that!

Are you happy and/or fulfilled with your life? Why? Aristotle wrote, “If happiness is activity in accordance with excellence, if is reasonable that it should be in accordance with the highest excellence.” This type of happiness is echoed in our constitution: the ability to adequately respond to a calling or vocation makes life meaningful and therefore, makes one happy. I feel like I’m operating with excellence in much of my life – I’m doing my best as a parent, a teacher and a community member. However, I’m not happy or satisfied with my work as a writer. For better or worse, I’ll always feel that I haven’t arrived or that my life doesn’t hold the full value it should, unless I publish a book or become otherwise (wildly) successful. I’ve had writing success in many ways, but the book deal continues to elude me.

Did your mother work outside the home? Yes!

How did that affect you growing up? My mother was left with three children under the age of five when she and my father split. This was in 1967. She was a deeply conservative person, Catholic. Imagine being 26 years old during that culturally transformative time and instead of smoking pot, demonstrating or listening to music, you’re trying to figure out how to survive—with three small children and the conviction that the Pope knows best. Not all youth were groovy or part of the counterculture. She went back to school when I was 9, earned a teaching degree and worked full time after that. Indeed, she often had two jobs: teaching and an evening stint in a liquor store. This is how her days looked one summer: canning factory job, teaching, liquor store.

My mother and I had minimal interpersonal interaction. However, this probably had as much to do with her personality as it did with her work situation. Let me give an example of this.

When I was a young mother, I was diagnosed with two autoimmune disorders and required some help with my children. I called my mother to tell her about the diseases, their treatment and my current needs.

After I finished, she said this:

“I see a black squirrel in the back yard. If I leave peanut butter, they stay. But if I don’t they go away. Did you know that Marlene Sterling moved back to town?”

I grew up in a household in which I presented myself and said: “I am here. I need this.” And my mother replied: “Is there enough ketchup in the fridge?”

Now that I have boatloads of friends who are social workers, doctors, therapists and psychiatrists –who have all met my mother—I have a consensus that my mother has some kind of dissociative disorder. When I was first in therapy at 18, the psychologist told me that my mother suffered from some kind of ‘serious mental illness’ and wasn’t able to participate in family therapy. So it’s hard to sort out the economics, work, and ideology from the mental illness, which shaped so much more.

Back to work, my mother’s employment was never about success, fulfillment or desire. It was about need and the underlying message was that you could never, ever work enough and there was never enough money.

What impression did that leave with you about women working outside the home? Truly, I had no other model. I viewed friends’ mothers who stayed home as mini-miracles, anomalies in a world structured by crisis and worry.

Was your mother a homemaker? Uh, no. Let’s just say that in addition to working her many jobs, my mother did not feel that cleaning, cooking, or caring for her children were part of the daily menu.

How did that affect you growing up? I largely felt neglected and ignored – a stance I noticed and tried very hard to change for a long time.

Did your father respect your mother? Yes.

Did your mother respect your father? No. When he died, she thanked God “the bastard was dead.” In front of me, and I loved him.

Who were your earliest female role models other than your mother? Mrs. Davidson – my fourth grade teacher, who sat me down one day and told me I was smarter than the pack! She refused to accept my math aversion and told me that I needed to be better than the best because I had the gift of the “really fine brain.” Imagine being a fourth-grade girl and hearing this! I loved her! Other than that, I wanted to be Judy in Lost in Space.

Was getting married/partnered a conscious goal or focus early on in your adulthood? No – I was relationship averse.

Is there an event(s) that affected you in childhood/adolescence that impacted your identity in a positive or negative way? Honey, I wrote a book about this so there’s no single paragraph answer. Trust me, there were plenty in both directions but the negative had the larger sway.

Have you ever dieted? At one grim point, I weighed 76 lbs, which also explains the therapist at age 18.

Are you happy and/or comfortable with your weight? Now, yes.

Would you describe yourself as someone with “body issues?” If so, when do you remember this starting? What do you attribute it to? Okay, I wrote a novel based on my childhood and a dissertation on my eating disorder. The dissertation is called The Anorexic’s Story and it tells my story and the larger culture’s. It’s a fine piece of writing that I’ve toyed with trying to publish. In sum? I think the category ‘anorexia’ lets us off the hook. When we draw the general psychological/social attention to one group of women as ‘disordered’ that somehow implies that everyone else is ‘normal.’ Indeed, I think that the majority of women have a turbulent, or at least complex, relationship with their bodies –and therefore, with food.

How do you feel about the sexualizing of young women in our society? Horrific.

What do you wish your mother had told you about marriage, life, anything…that you didn’t hear from her? Oh my. Let me just share how my mother handled talking about sex and I think this will sum it up. When I was 9 or 10, my mother saw that I was reading Are You There God, It’s Me, Margaret. Her response was to hand me Gone with the Wind. She said: “Read this. It will tell you everything you need to know about sex.”

And that was that.

What role did your father play in your childhood? Even though I only actually saw him 4 or 5 times from age 5 to 18, his presence in my life was huge. Our family operated around various narratives of doom and his influence –genetically or theoretically – was all pervasive and formative. Evil Incarnate, in this form, was a danger we were constantly fighting, within ourselves and with the possibility that he might show up again.

What was your relationship like with your father? As an adult, I forged a loving and steadfast relationship with him. He turned out to be deeply flawed but also kind, giving and generous.

How do you feel about aging? I have yet to find my silver lining. I keep looking at my peers and thinking: “OMIGOD they look so OLD.” Really. I feel great and people tell me I look great. But I see aging as the march toward death. Remember the child who grew up waiting for the other boot to fall? For disaster? She’s the one facing aging and death.

How do you feel about plastic surgery? Neutral. I think a little eye tuck here or liposuction there isn’t a mortal offense. The plasticized, pulled faces are ridiculous.

Did your mother or another caretaker talk to you about sex and what to expect? Not once.

How was your first sexual experience? Perfect! I had a kind, loving and patient boyfriend. I was a freshman in college and he was a senior. I wasn’t ready for most of the entire academic year, but felt I was near the end. That young man exercised minimal, if any, pressure and sent me two dozen roses the day after the slow, thoughtful and sober occasion.

Is marriage liberating or inhibiting sexually? I’d say neutral. We have a very satisfying, if pedestrian, sex life: every few days, a little loving. Usually nothing new.

What makes you feel sexy? Feeling good about my body, feeling love toward my husband, feeling on top of my game, generally.

Do you have the energy/desire for sex at the end of the day? Not as often as I have sex. Some days are a gift for the guy.

What turns you on? A clean house that he cleaned!

What would make your sex life better? More mopped floors and folded laundry.


What do you love about being a working mom? Thinking! I get paid to read and write, to use my brain. I adore this part of my life. Remember that ‘are you happy’ question that started the interview? Working makes me happier—more fulfilled in the sense of vocation and intellect – than parenting.

What are the challenges of being a working mom? Keeping up with the cleaning, the extended family, the children – there are too many demands on me.

If you had a choice to be at home with your children, would you? It’s hard to say. I’m largely home with them now and getting a decent paycheck, so the trade off isn’t so clear.

Was the decision an economic one (e.g., your family requires two incomes)? Yes.

Do you beat yourself up for not spending enough time with your kids? No. I work largely from home so I’m with them plenty. The harder part is squeezing in the full-time tenure track job.

Do you feel supported by your partner? Oh yes!

Do you feel supported by other women? Yes.

Do you feel valued in your workplace? Yes.

Do you feel valued at home? Yes. If I wasn’t feeling pressed for time, I’d answer the stay at home mother questions too. In sum, having a job is more fulfilling for me but it’s harder. It’s easier to stay at home. Yes, the work is more tedious, but there is no question that life – on a day to day, task to task basis—is much harder for me now that I’m working full time. This is my first year back, full-time, and it’s entirely because of the economy. Oddly, I wish I had worked more earlier because I enjoy it so much, but the working mother life is still harder. There’s less of me to give, especially to myself.

Do you believe a happy, fulfilled mom is a better mom whether her choice is to work outside the home or to stay at home with her children? Yes!

Can women do it all? Kevin Bacon has two children, a band, and an acting career. Why can’t we all have families and professional success? Hilary Clinton seems pretty happy these days. It might take a superior person to ‘do it all,’ but I think it’s possible.

How old are your children? 12, 10 and 6

What do you want to do differently with your children than what you received from your parents? Listen, listen, listen. Oh my. My six year old is sitting on a chair waiting for me to notice him as I type. .. .the ironies abound!

What would you like to carry on that your parents established with you? A left-leaning political sensibility.

How has having children changed the relationship with your partner? It’s a lot more about leading the team than pleasing the lover. John and I frequently refer to ourselves as The Team.

Do you have dates with your partner? Yes!

Do you have personal “ME” time scheduled every week/every day? Well, I run four miles every morning and if anyone asks if I’m interested in a running partner, I pretty much start throwing punches. No! Alone!

How do you combat stress? See answer directly above. Toss in yoga, books, and wine.

Do you get out regularly with girlfriends? Yes. I love women.

Has it been challenging to retain a separate sense of self from your role as mother & wife? No. I’ve run political campaigns and headed large environmental movements before working full-time. I’ve always had a sense of myself as an agent, a presence in the world.

What do you do to facilitate that? Does your partner help make that happen? John thinks I’m amazing and tells me that nearly every single day! He has bigger dreams for me than I do.

Do you help create personal space for your partner? Yes!

Does your partner share in household tasks? Yes! As I type, he’s ending a 2.5 hour stint of cooking, eating and cleaning in the kitchen. Our cleaning division isn’t equal, but he does as much as he notices and then asks for lists. Can’t beat that. He also puts our youngest to bed every single night – for the past three years.

How did you think your life would be when you got married? How do you feel now? I think that because I can’t ever remember seeing a marriage from the inside as a child, I had no real vision of married life. So I had no expectations other than that relationship and world I created with John during the four years we lived together before getting married.

Do you see evidence of “The Mommy Wars” in your everyday life? Sort of. There’s no outright antagonism or hostility, but I will admit that I am sometimes jealous of my friends who don’t have to work. One friend in particular is constantly giving small gifts, remembering other people’s special occasions, hitting all the right notes. One working mama said about her: “SO and So is SO kind!” And I’m like – if I had that much time and money at my disposal, I’d be that kind too. So would we all. But I don’t begrudge her that life of greater ease, just wish I had some more wiggle room of my own. And I know that I’m probably letting her down now that I’m unavailable for the phone conversations and lunches that formerly sustained our friendship.

What did you dream of being when you were a child? A writer, reporter or attorney.

What do you yearn for? Readers – I write for readers, not myself, whether that’s in the two unsold novels (agent nearly did it, but then it all crumpled), the blog or other gigs. I adore adulation and response. Hmmmm. . . . let’s put on that Freudian cap, shall we? Remember that childhood in which I felt largely ignored and neglected? Of course I want someone to notice me! Sigh. Still chugging neurotic after all these years.


Thank you, Mary


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The Motherscribe Interviews are closed to comments. For more about Mary, please find her on Minnesota Matron.


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Monday, April 20, 2009

Blogging to help women with postpartum depression; and what you can do to help today!

It is estimated that postpartum depression (PPD) affects from 10 to 20 percent of new mothers. In the United States, there may be as many as 800,000 new cases of postpartum conditions each year. The cause of PPD isn’t known but changes in hormone levels, a difficult pregnancy or birth, and a family history of depression are considered possible factors.

Postpartum depression. It is something that is spoken about, if at all, in hushed tones. Who could possibly be depressed after going through the miracle of birth and holding a precious baby in your arms? Well, plenty apparently. It is a reality for thousands of women every year. That is someone you know. Or it could even be YOU.

A Father's Story of Losing my Daughter to Postpartum Depression


The Best Meal of My Life

I experienced the best meal of my life the other day. That’s saying a lot from a man who is just shy of 60, and has spent his entire life in the restaurant business. Since my 6th birthday, when my parents opened up La Bella’s, a little mom and pop Italian restaurant, I have had the opportunity to travel and enjoy delicious meals prepared by some the world’s finest chefs.

Even after my wife left, and I was faced the prospect of raising two energetic children on peanut butter & jelly sandwiches and Hamburger Helper, I never lost my appetite for fine dining.

In the early 90’s I met my current wife Mary, a beautiful single mom of two. Her parents had passed, so I asked her eldest teenage daughter, Crystal, for permission to take her mom to dinner. It’s funny - looking back now, I can’t tell you what Mary was wearing, but the restaurant was a perfect combination of cozy atmosphere and scrumptious food.

As 2000 rolled around, our kids now grown, Mary and I discovered cruise ships. We realized, if we carefully picked our departure dates, we could cruise for about $200.00 a day with the all important, MEALS INCLUDED!

On a cruise ship, nothing surpasses the experience of a savory dinner of two hours, your meal prepared by top chefs, while enjoying an unhurried conversation with your spouse. A brochure on one of our cruises informed us that, for an extra $25.00, we could have the “Ultimate Dining Experience”. We could not believe our meals could get any tastier but we gave it a try. Words cannot explain the evening. The service was impeccable and the food was to die for. Gazing at Mary across the table with the moon rising behind her made my diner all the more unforgettable.

We have been on about ten cruises now and I never thought we could top those culinary delights, until the other day, when I experienced the best meal of my life.

Crystal, the oldest of our four children, was always the more serious. She was the one to whom we entrusted our most important papers and house keys when we left town. Crystal gave birth to Hannah in 2003 and baby Max in 2007. When Max was born, things just seemed to bother Crystal more. She seemed to worry about everything. We tried to reassure her, but that was Crystal, the worrier.

On Feb 25, 2008, we got together with her and her husband, Chris, for lunch. Everything seemed fine. On Feb 27, 2008 at 11:45 AM, Mary received a call from the police concerning a family emergency at Crystal’s house. As we raced the few blocks to her house, I feared the worse. Did baby Max, not yet four months old, die from Sudden Infant Death Syndrome? I begged: God please let Max be OK!

As we rounded the corner and their house came into view, there were police cars in the streets and driveway. A detective who was polite, but uninformative, stopped Mary and I from entering the house. As I turned back to the street, I noticed Chris holding baby Max. Knowing that Hannah was in school, I asked him what was going on. With a dazed look in his eyes he told us that Crystal had shot and killed herself.

She had seemed unusually worried the past few days, always fussing about Max, unable to get a good night’s sleep. Attempting to breast feed as long as possible, she was concerned that her milk was drying up. We didn’t notice the symptoms of what we later learned was, Postpartum Depression. We just thought that was Crystal, always worrying.

Over a year has now passed. We have all pulled together and gotten into the routine of helping Chris raise Hannah, his precocious first grade daughter, and Max, a handsome boy of sixteen months. I have volunteered to give Max his 06:00 AM feeding five days a week. This occupied my time and kept my mind off of Crystal. Mary would come over at 07:15 and get Hannah ready for school. In the morning commotion, Chris would wolf down some cereal, and if the kids were up, give them a kiss, and out the door he’d go, grateful for us being there.

It is amazing how we live assumptive lives. Every day, we assume our family will always be there. It’s not that we have taken them for granted it is just that no one ever expects to outlive their own child. I now appreciate the little things in life more. I love Max’s happy giggle every morning as I sing to him while changing his diaper. The joy experienced viewing Hannah’s beautiful sleepy face, when she rolls out of bed is unexplainable.

Mary and I took all four grand kids to a matinee the other day. After the movie, we stopped at Target to get them a snack. “We want the Kids $2.00 Hot Dog & Soda Special,” they yelled. Mary and I sat at a table across from them. As we ate, we enjoyed the view of our grandkids just being kids. I savored every second of hearing them laugh and watching them play as I finished my salad and hot dog. It was the best meal of my life.

Joseph A. Raso


Joseph and his family ask that you support The Melanie Blocker Stokes MOTHERS Act.

So, what can we do to help women combat Postpartum Depression? We can actually take action and do something. Today. Let's do it! We know how powerful the power of the blogging community is, so let's rise up and help. Let's take action.

Please see press release below, and then links where you can go to help this very worthy cause for women.

Menendez, Author of Legislation to Combat Postpartum Depression, Applauds Grassroots Show of Force on Blog Day
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE April 20, 2009

CONTACTS: Menendez Press Office 202-224-4744

Melanie Blocker Stokes MOTHERS Act has broad support in Congress, needs public pressure to overcome procedural obstacles

WASHINGTON – As bloggers around the country today advocate for passage of federal legislation to combat postpartum depression, U.S. Senator Robert Menendez (D-NJ), the Senate sponsor of the Melanie Blocker Stokes MOTHERS Act, applauded the effort as necessary to enact the bill into law.

The legislation has broad support in Congress and was able to pass the House of Representatives earlier this year, but has been stalled in the Senate because of objections by Sen. Tom Coburn (R-OK). Senator Coburn commonly uses senatorial “holds” to stall disease-specific legislation, and indications are that he would do so with the MOTHERS Act.

“Postpartum depression is a condition that is not only more widespread than most realize but also more debilitating than most realize,” said Menendez. “We need to make sure these mothers are fully supported and informed, rather than scared and alone. Working together with a nationwide community of mothers, we are so close to enacting this important legislation into law. What we need is an intense dose of public pressure. This Blog Day helps reinforce the type of grassroots movement that will create the pressure that is needed, and I commend the participants.

I invite mothers, fathers and anyone else who believes we need to better support those with postpartum depression to contact their Senators and urge them to vocally support S.324”

The legislation would increase federal efforts to combat postpartum depression by:

Encouraging Health and Human Services (HHS) to coordinate and continue research to expand the understanding of the causes of, and find treatments for, postpartum conditions.

Encouraging a National Public Awareness Campaign, to be administered by HHS, to increase awareness and knowledge of postpartum depression and psychosis.

Requiring the Secretary of HHS to conduct a study on the benefits of screening for postpartum depression and postpartum psychosis.

Creating a grant program to public or nonprofit private entities to deliver or enhance outpatient, inpatient and home-based health and support services, including case management and comprehensive treatment services for individuals with or at risk for postpartum conditions.

Activities may also include providing education about postpartum conditions to new mothers and their families, including symptoms, methods of coping with the illness, and treatment resources, in order to promote earlier diagnosis and treatment.

What YOU can do to help!!

1. Contact your senator today and call or email with your request for their support for S 324, The Melanie Blocker Stokes MOTHERS Act.

2. Email susanstonelcsw@aol.com to give your permission to be listed in the state by state constituent petition which will be presented to U.S. Senators the week of MOTHERS Day. See the listings here.

Thank you to Senator Robert Menendez for his steadfast advocacy on behalf of America’s current and future mothers, infants and families!! We will do everything we can to support you and show Congress how critical it is that the bill pass THIS YEAR!!


Thank you for your help.


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Sunday, April 19, 2009

KEEP BELIEVING!

I could say a great deal about Angie. And I've never met her. She is full of grace, and has the courageous spirit of a warrior woman.

She has a blog called Keep Believing. There she has chronicled her life with her husband, Brian, and her two boys, Gavin & Grant.

Today, Angie should be celebrating her 12th wedding anniversary with her husband, Brian. But, she can't do that. Because Brian lost his long battle with cancer last month on March 17th. He was diagnosed with a serious brain tumor one month after their wedding in 1997.

Angie started her blog to write about her journey having a husband with terminal cancer. Today she is writing about what it is like with him gone. She writes letters to Brian.

In a recent post she writes:

"Dear Brian,

The boys and I are still so curious about heaven. Can you see us? Can you hear us? We hypothesize about it and share our theories. Gavin insists it is full of sand and ponds and houses because he saw a picture in a children's Bible one time. Grant wonders if there is pizza in heaven. I just wonder at the amazing unknown of it all.

The memory of the last week of your life is fading from me. I think I am grateful for that. At the same time, it scares me a bit about how everything else may fade. I look through pictures frequently to keep your smile embedded in my mind. I recap events for the boys of things they did with you and things we did long before they were born in order to keep alive the memories that I know will be nearly impossible for their young minds to retain until their own adult life."


Take a moment today to look around you. To breathe in the sky. To hug someone. And to tell them that you love them. Most of all, say a prayer for Angie and her boys, Gavin & Grant. Better yet, go visit her at Keep Believing and leave her a message of support.


Brian Edward O'Neill
November 2, 1972 - March 17, 2009





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Thursday, April 16, 2009

The feel of bark under splayed, barefoot toes

They have learned to climb their first tree. One foot at a time, hand over hand, pulling their lithe bodies up. Going higher and yet...higher. The feel of bark under splayed, barefoot toes. Finally fitting snugly into the nest of branches. It is a New World View from above. A rush of pleasure not felt before... Different for them who are always looking up, to look down. A vantage point from which to take it all in, exulting in the freedom of muscle accomplishment and risk.

When I was a child, I spent many an hour in a tree. Sometimes with a friend, but often alone. Frequently I would carry a notebook with me. Whether it was a Harriet the Spy phase or the creation of a play, the notebook was all the company that I needed. From my perch I could look out upon the world and dream of dreams only a child can have. But, it was enough. Enough to dream and write, and stretch my body in many directions in order to get there. To that branch, hidden from view by numerous limbs and thick foliage.

It is vital to have that time to sit with oneself. To be still and wait for the myriad, tangled and unwoven thoughts to speak in quieter tones. I crave that time. And I crave that feeling of stretching my limbs and risking a fall.

As I watch my children climb the tree, I feel blessed that I can give them this time. For exploration, invention and daring. To witness their first tree climb. They, knowing that I am close by, yet not hovering. It is through this freedom in which their creativity blossoms. Discovering in nature the lessons that provide the foundation for their growing lives...


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Wednesday, April 15, 2009

The Motherscribe Interview Series: the 20th interview...

My 20th interview is with Julia who lives in Illinois. She is 37 years old, married, with 3 children. She is a stay-at-home mom and has a blog called Midwest Moms.


What does the word feminist mean to you? Has the meaning changed over time? I grew up in the seventies and eighties, so I was surrounded with images of strong women in the media. Later, when I was in my early teens, women were more prominent in business and politics. So, I was raised with a background assumption that I could be or do anything. I guess that’s how I defined feminism.

As I grew into full womanhood, though, I have come to understand that nothing comes without trade-offs or sacrifice. The media myth of ‘having it all’ or ‘being anything’ didn’t hold in reality. So right now, feminism means freedom to make my own choices about my path, not necessarily being a woman who “has it all.”


Do you consider yourself a feminist? I consider myself a strong woman who makes her own choices.

Would others consider you a feminist? I’m not sure whether they would or not. That’s really not my first concern.

If you are a feminist, do you feel comfortable owning that title in your everyday life? As long as it is realistically defined, I do.

What are some images that come to mind when you think of the women’s movement? I think of movie actresses of the 30s and 40s smartly dressed in menswear. I think of images of feminine strength of my childhood, like Martina Navratilova or (believe it or not) Margaret Thatcher. Somewhere in the back of my memory there are the history lesson images of suffragettes and Cady-Stanton, but I was always more impressed with real life amazing women doing amazing things. Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O’Connor is a good example of what I’m talking about.

What was the greatest gift of the women’s movement? Expansion of the life choices available for women and recognition of their ability to make them.

What was the greatest failure of the women’s movement? Propagation of the false idea that increasing options obligate all women to reach for all things. Devaluation, intentional or unintentional, of the work of the home & family.

Who were your earliest female role models other than your mother? Teachers, I would say. I also looked up to female athletes a great deal.

Was getting married/partnered a conscious goal or focus early on in your adulthood? Although I wouldn’t have admitted it at the time, it probably was. I always knew I wanted to be married and have children; I felt called to it.

Did your mother work outside the home? She did not; she was a registered nurse before she had children and briefly went back to work after her first was born. But after her second child was born, she decided to stay home. She had six of us in all. When she was done bearing children, she started an in-home daycare to bring money in. I guess that made her an original WAHM.

How did that affect you growing up? I remember recognizing that she was working to help our family finances. Still, I periodically resented that she took care of other people’s children when I really needed my own bond with her. Now that I’m a mother, I understand the fine line she walked and know that she did her best.

Did your father respect your mother? He did.

Did your mother respect your father? Unquestionably.

What do you wish your mother had told you about marriage, life, anything…that you didn’t hear from her? That it is okay not to have the answers or to feel overwhelmed. She always stressed communication but didn’t really speak from her own experience. There have been many times when I’ve craved a more real exchange with her.

What role did your father play in your childhood? What was your relationship like with your father? He worked hard to support us. He was a coach for my oldest brother and sister, but not for me. I always identified with my Dad and had a much healthier, full relationship with him than with my mother. We shared a love of sports, so that was one area where it was easy to communicate. But there were others. He and I were so temperamentally alike that I really felt he understood me. I have always been grateful for his ability to listen without trying to “solve” me.

How do you feel about aging? I’m getting used to it. It’s tough sometimes to realize that there are some things I won’t be able to do the same way or that my looks will change. But I am happy with the path that has brought me to this particular place, right now. I would not change that path for anything.

How do you feel about plastic surgery? Great for burn victims; a stupid risk if one is motivated by vanity.

Have you ever dieted? Yes

Are you happy and/or comfortable with your weight? On and off. As I have had children and as I age, my body is changing. It takes some adjustment to get used to that.

Would you describe yourself as someone with “body issues?” If so, when do you remember this starting? What do you attribute it to? I would say I had body issues for a while after I entered college. It was the first time I was fully in charge of my own decision-making on many fronts. Looking back, I would say that my upbringing had not fully prepared me for the responsibility of that. My insecurity regarding life choices was manifested in a changed body image.

How do you feel about the sexualizing of young women in our society? I think it’s shameful and disturbing. There is no more appreciation of innocent beauty anymore. It makes me feel like we’ve lost something as a society, and I wonder how it will affect my daughter’s own self-image.

Did your mother or another caretaker talk to you about sex and what to expect? My mother did. She was a nurse, so everything was handled clinically. The first time I asked a question that wasn’t anatomical and was met with shock, I stopped asking questions.

How was your first sexual experience? Desperate fumbling and a little fear. Like jumping off a cliff.

Is marriage liberating or inhibiting sexually? Liberating.

What makes you feel sexy? Looking pretty, getting myself cleaned up and beautiful before I go out with my husband. Seeing in his eyes that he thinks I’m beautiful.

What turns you on? Truly? When my husband pitches in to help with the children. But also when we have an unexpected quiet moment together. It feels like we’re getting away with something, and that’s a thrill.

Do you have the energy/desire for sex at the end of the day? I do, but making time for it in the afternoon or morning is great, too. When you’re a mom, you’ve got to be an opportunist.

Why did you decide to be a stay-at-home mom? When my husband and I married, we wanted one parent to be the full time caregiver for the children, so we made plans accordingly. We drove older cars and bought a smaller home, we did without so that we would be able to live on a single income. When my first was born, my bond with him was instantaneous. I knew I wanted to be the one to raise him.

Do you consider it a job? Do you feel that you are valued? That is a tough question. On the one hand, I know it is. On the other, I am conscious of the fact that I don’t earn a paycheck – that I am dependent on my spouse’s earnings. That undercuts some of the value that is intrinsic to what I do. But in our home, I know my raising the children is valued. I am giving them the best start in life, and that feels good.

Do you feel supported by your partner? I do.

Do you feel supported by other women? I do.

What do you love about being a SAHM? That my children want to talk to me about every aspect of their life, the victories and the challenges. I love adoring them and teaching them and seeing them grow.

Is there a dark side of being a SAHM? I think every at-home mother has highs and lows, but having worked for many years before marrying and having children, I can say that’s no different than any profession. The only reason slumps in motherhood would even be labeled “dark” is that there can be an unrealistic expectation that life for a SAHM should resemble a 1950’s sitcom. Every Mom is a human being, and every family has good times and struggles. So Moms should know that frustration and anger and sadness are just part of living. Hopefully, laughter and joy and learning and forgiveness are, too.

What was your career before you had children? I was an historian and then went into non-profit work.

Has it been hard to let go of that identity? Or you still identify with that role? I do identify with it, because my career path was a reflection of my desire to make a difference in causes I care about. I still work as a development volunteer for important causes – it’s a great way to keep my skills and professional network fresh for the time when I’m no longer raising my children.

If you had a choice to return to work, would you? No one can do what I am doing for my children right now. But, I know that someday I will go back to work. I look forward to that day, but I’m not impatient for it. As my children age, their need for guidance won’t diminish. I want to be a ready resource for them and a friend to them as they enter teenage. So, maybe I will work part-time outside the home, but motherhood is my calling.

Do you believe a happy, fulfilled mom is a better mom whether her choice is to work outside the home or to stay at home with her children? Absolutely. The important word in that question is “choice”. It must be each individual Mom’s choice.

Can women do it all? I honestly don’t believe any human being can “have it all”. We have to set priorities or we’ll lose our minds and never feel satisfied. There just aren’t enough hours in the day or enough resources of personal, spiritual energy for a human being to be the best at all things. Life doesn’t work that way.

How old are your children? I have two boys, ages 6 and 8, and a little girl, age 3.

What do you want to do differently with your children than what you received from your parents? I was raised in a regimented, orderly home. Virtually all decisions were made for me, so I had trouble moving from childhood into adulthood. It was a painful transition. With my own children, I try to empower them to make their own decisions, to think things through, and to be resilient when all doesn’t proceed according to plan. I’m trying to give them skills I wasn’t taught.

What would you like to carry on that your parents established with you? Our faith life, connection to and understanding of our connection to the divine. A strong bond of trust, love, and honesty between family members. A strong sense of inner worth, a good moral compass.

Do you have dates with your partner? Yes. We go out about once a month.

Do you have personal “ME” time scheduled every week/every day? Yes. I take time out of every day for quiet. It might be my writing time or time in my garden. It keeps me whole.

How do you combat stress? I talk about things that are bothering me, instead of holding them inside. I get proper rest and try to make healthy choices. I find ways to laugh. Laughter is the best stress-fighter there is. I also get involved in causes I care about outside our home. Sometimes that can renew my perspective.

Do you get out regularly with girlfriends? I used to, but not so much in the past year. I have a core group of women who read my blog, and whose blogs I read, that have become like friends I “talk” to every day.

Do you help create personal space for your partner? I do. We are both athletic and I encourage him to stay involved in his sports. That is his time for renewal.

Does your partner share in household tasks? We are fixing up a 90-year-old house, so he has a lot on his plate. He helps where he can, but I like to think helping to shoulder each other’s burdens is more important than who unloads the dishwasher.

How did you think your life would be when you got married? How do you feel now? Honestly, I had no idea. But I like where we are as a family – where I am as a Mom.

Are you happy and/or fulfilled with your life? Why? In general, I would say that I am. Of course, there are always specific areas of life I would like to change or improve. But I’m happy about the path that has brought me to this place.

How has having children changed the relationship with your partner? It has opened our hearts to more love than we ever thought possible. It has softened our rough edges and made us truly rely on one another. It has helped us to laugh more – every day.

Do you see evidence of “The Mommy Wars” in your everyday life? Not so much. I teach my children not to compare themselves to others, not to judge their own worth by someone else’s yardstick. It’s an easy lesson to teach because I live it. I don’t allow other mother’s choices to make me question my own. By the same token, I try to react to other mothers’ struggles with compassion and understanding. On my blog, I have written about the Sisterhood of Moms, about my sense that we’re all team-mates in one of life’s grandest adventures. I never knew that having children would bring me into a club like this one. But it has. Being a mom has changed me and made me a better person, and there are a whole bunch of women who have helped to guide me along my road. The least I can do is be that guidepost for the next Mom.

Has it been challenging to retain a separate sense of self from your role as mother & wife? At first, it was. But as I have grown into Motherhood more, I have started to understand that keeping myself whole helps me to do the job of mothering better. There is something liberating about putting a bad day or a childhood phase in perspective, reminding myself that failing at something one day doesn’t make me a failure. I’m just a human being.



Thank you, Julia


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The Motherscribe Interviews are closed for comments. If you'd like to learn more about Julia, please find her on Midwest Moms.


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Tuesday, April 14, 2009

The Motherscribe Interview Series: the 19th interview...

My 19th interview is with Jennifer from Utah. She is 41 years old, married, with two children. She works outside the home and has a blog called Welcome to Schaererville.


What does the word feminist mean to you? Has the meaning changed over time? Virginia Slims cigarettes…tagline “You’ve come a long way, baby.” Back then it felt like a demand for accommodating the gender differences between men and women. Now I think it’s about recognizing that women can achieve just about anything they want to in life without special accommodation.

Do you consider yourself a feminist? Not really. Maybe an equalist.

Would others consider you a feminist? I’ll have to ask a few people and get back to you. My gut says no.

What are some images that come to mind when you think of the women’s movement? The ERA rallies, protests and bra burning from the early 70s. Recently, the shift from articles about “Top 10 Women in…” to women being included on “Top 10 People in…” articles in magazines.

What was the greatest gift of the women’s movement? If you count the early 20th century, then I’d have to say the right to vote. In the past decade, the availability of family-friendly business opportunities for women – from working at home to corporations with flex scheduling, on-site daycare and paid maternity leave.

What was the greatest failure of the women’s movement? Thinking that equality had to be legislated (ERA).

Did your mother work outside the home? No.

How did that affect you growing up? I probably didn’t respect her very much for being a SAHM. I remember being very driven and motivated to have a career as early as 7th grade.

What impression did that leave with you about women working outside the home? That it was an available choice.

Was your mother a homemaker? No. She spent time on activities for herself (sports like golf & softball, social groups, volunteer groups) and not much on the domestic front. We rarely had a family dinner together, and our house was never neat and tidy.

How did that affect you growing up? I didn’t prioritize being a homemaker, I guess. Knowing how to cook, sew, and run an efficient household were things I taught myself as I needed to learn them.

Did your father respect your mother? Nope. He was frustrated that she didn’t have a very strong intellect, which is a trait he’s always respected. He had an affair with another attorney mid-way through their marriage, but didn’t file for divorce until they’d been married 29 years.

Did your mother respect your father? No. She thought he had too much stake in being the provider and a workaholic and not enough in being a father and husband. She also had an affair mid-way through their marriage, with a family friend.

Who were your earliest female role models other than your mother? My maternal grandmother (kind, thoughtful, a communicator and the glue in our family) and a neighbor (career woman, married mother of a son who was my classmate, simple but beautifully decorated home, strong personality).

What did you dream of being when you were a child? I wanted to be in the Air Force, like my dad.

Was getting married/partnered a conscious goal or focus early on in your adulthood? Yes. I always wanted to have a special someone.

Is there an event(s) that affected you in childhood/adolescence that impacted your identity in a positive or negative way? When I was in 5th grade, the small town elementary school I attended had a practice of “borrowing” a mature student from class to tend the school office on Fridays. I was chosen to do that frequently, and I think that’s when I started to see myself in a working environment.

Have you ever dieted? Yes. Now I call it adjusting my eating habits.

Are you happy and/or comfortable with your weight? I tend to gain 15-20 pounds and then *ahem* adjust my eating habits. I’m in an adjustment period right now.

Would you describe yourself as someone with “body issues?” If so, when do you remember this starting? What do you attribute it to? I have perception flaws…my thighs are heavy, my chest is flat, my feet are big, I have ugly cellulite on my butt, and my nose is, um, roman. My dad’s side of the family has no boundary with teasing, and I remember being called Thunder Thighs and Sasquatch in my early adolescent years. I also distinctly remember my aunt telling me that I didn’t get the Miller Mammaries (big) but did get the Miller Nose (also big).

How do you feel about the sexualizing of young women in our society? Ugh. A topic du jour in Schaererville these days as my 6-year-old daughter begs for anything BRATZ. I’m not a prude, but if I see anymore teenage cleavage (top or bottom), 12-year-olds wearing Tammy Faye make-up, or French maid Halloween costumes in size 6X, I will incite the revolution.

What do you wish your mother had told you about marriage, life, anything…that you didn’t hear from her? Nothing really. She was sheltered and didn’t have strength of conviction in any area of her life.

What role did your father play in your childhood? He was a workaholic, so I figured out pretty early on that if I wanted to spend time with him, I should somehow wedge myself into his career. Aside from the Air Force, he was also an attorney and hobbyist radio broadcaster (that workaholic thing). I spent many summer vacation trips at the Air Force Academy with him, watching the cadets he had recruited graduate. I spent every hour I could with him in his law office from the time I was very young. I also teamed up with him when I was in high school to do some live broadcast coverage of high school sporting events (he did play by play, I did color commentary and live ads). I still pick a pretty mean March Madness bracket and know lots more about football than most people would guess just looking at me.

What was your relationship like with your father? He mentored me, admired me, probably set me free to my own devices a bit too soon. It was very hard for me to realize, about 15 years ago, that he is not everything I had built him up to be in my heart and mind.

How do you feel about aging? Bring it on! 40 is the new 20!

How do you feel about plastic surgery? Elective? Not for me. I’d like to remain 100% biodegradable.

Did your mother or another caretaker talk to you about sex and what to expect? The day I asked The Question (which was in 5th grade), my mom handed me a set of books to read. End of story. Nothing about the morals, just about the tactics. I learned everything on my own, trial and error.

How was your first sexual experience? Meh. Fumbling. Teenage.

Is marriage liberating or inhibiting sexually? Liberating – except my deathly fear of an unplanned third child because he’s deathly afraid of The Snip.

What makes you feel sexy? Eye contact. Intellectual banter.

Do you have the energy/desire for sex at the end of the day? Not usually.

What turns you on? Knowing that my husband knows all the right things to do for me.

What would make your sex life better? Having no fear of unplanned pregnancy.

What is your job/career? I’m currently a magazine editor. Before that I spent 15 years in product marketing, and I was a journalist and technical writer at the start of my career.

What do you love about being a working mom? Genuinely looking forward to seeing my kids at the end of my work day…fully appreciating the time we spend together.

What are the challenges of being a working mom? I struggle to be organized with their clothing choices, remembering supplies needed for school, and getting them fed and out of the house on schedule in the mornings. My husband (he does the pick-up routine for the kids) travels once or twice a month, so those days are definitely more challenging. I highly respect single working parents who have to do it all themselves every single day.

If you had a choice to be at home with your children, would you? If we were living the life of The Pioneer Woman, absolutely. But I really don’t trust myself to be their sole educator. Even if I were at home with them, they would be in some type of structured group learning environment for a good portion of each day during the week.

Was the decision an economic one (e.g., your family requires two incomes)? Not originally. I wanted to work outside the home after my daughter was born, and then we got ourselves into a retail business (which failed miserably) so now we need the dual income to dig out of the hole.

Do you beat yourself up for not spending enough time with your kids? No. I make it about quality.

Do you feel supported by your partner? Most days.

Do you feel supported by other women? Yes.

Do you feel valued in your workplace? Immensely.

Do you see evidence of “The Mommy Wars” in your everyday life? No.

Do you feel valued at home? By my kids? Yes. My husband? Most days.

How old are your children? My daughter is 6 and my son is 3.

What do you want to do differently with your children than what you received from your parents? Be in their space. Really care what they think and feel and want to do. And to help them appreciate the wonders of nature (vacations and other adventures don’t always involve hotels or commercial destinations).

What would you like to carry on that your parents established with you? Giving our kids the freedom to make their own choices and learn from making bad ones.

How has having children changed the relationship with your partner? Having kids is a good test of the theories and values you discuss as pillow talk before they arrive in your life. Our theories and values have been confirmed in a good way, and we do a pretty good job raising our kids as a team.

Do you have dates with your partner? Not often enough.

Do you have personal “ME” time scheduled every week/every day? Not scheduled. But supported when I ask for it.

How do you combat stress? Take action – manically clean the house, organize my files, write something. Seek out a girlfriend and drink a glass or three of wine.

Do you get out regularly with girlfriends? About once or twice a month.

Has it been challenging to retain a separate sense of self from your role as mother & wife? I’ve never really understood this concept. My “self” is the same authentic person who is integrated into my roles as a mother and wife. I have a career, so maybe that is a separate sense of self. Even that is integrated with being a mother, though, because my daughter comes to my office with me at least once a month and loves it (so do I). I do take time to write and play in my paper crafting space, and that is something that isn’t necessarily part of being a mother and wife.

What do you do to facilitate that? Does your partner help make that happen? My husband offers to let me get away from it all, and if we could afford it I’d love to take off and spend a long weekend just writing and hanging out in a beautiful natural environment. For now he respects my hobbies and wrangles the kids when I want to work on something at home.

Do you help create personal space for your partner? If you mean so he can get away, I learned early on that this is critical for his mental health and our marriage so I set him free whenever he needs it. If you mean personal space in my life for just him, then I don’t think I do that well at all.

Does your partner share in household tasks? Yeah, I tell people that I married very well. He does most of the cooking, grocery shopping, laundry and cleaning. I straighten, organize, manage finances and handle paperwork issues. I’m also the social director.

How did you think your life would be when you got married? How do you feel now? This is my second marriage. The first time I was young and married a man 17 years older than me. We had a very privileged and adventurous lifestyle with no kids or desire to have them. It ended after 9 years when he had his third affair and I decided not to put up with it anymore (I was 29). I spent the next 3 years being myself, on my own with no long-term relationships. My husband and I met on a mountain bike trail and were inseparable from that moment on. I knew when we got married that it was for the long haul, and I see us together in our golden years. I never saw into the future with my first husband.

Can women do it all? As long as “all” is self-defined.

Are you happy and/or fulfilled with your life? Why? Yes. The things that may be missing are only that – things…material…dispensable and disposable.

What do you yearn for? Simplicity. Being free of financial obligation so my family and I can live where we want to and travel where we want to. A big piece of property somewhere beautiful and away from civilization.

Do you believe a happy, fulfilled mom is a better mom whether her choice is to work outside the home or to stay at home with her children? Yes. This will be on my headstone when I die.


Thank you, Jennifer


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The Motherscribe Interviews are closed to comments. For more about Jennifer, please find her on Welcome to Schaererville.


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