I wish your hair was brown, Mommy.
Why do you like your hair like that, Mommy?
I love Miss J's hair.
Miss J, GIRL's preschool teacher, has brown hair. Like GIRL's. Like mine used to be. My daughter is in mourning for the loss of my once brown hair. She's never known me to have hair other than Silver. I don't like the word gray. It speaks of dinge and drab.
In GIRL's 4 year old world, she wants an even playing field. Where everything is similar. And comfort is measured in sameness. Moms are blonde or brunette. Not ...gray. The very thing she is wanting is what I fight against. Blending in. Being ...the same.
I really like my hair on most days. I love that it is easy. No scrambling to the hairdresser when the silver roots are showing. But, the ultimate truth is that I like it, because...it is different. It is something I've embraced for most of my adult life. Being different. Being other. Perhaps because I felt that way inside, and being visibly different on the outside is like a natural boundary. It speaks. It says...I am not one of many. Yet, of course, I am...
I could go back to the dye. I could. Yet, part of me would feel false. Because usually? The Silver feels like me. On good days, I like to think I look rather smashing and dare I say it...dramatic, with my hair. On bad days...it is pure, unadulterated, drab. And, the truth is, GIRL gets to see me on bad days. Often.
My paternal grandmother was gray/silver/white by the time she was in her early 40's. If not before. My father never remembers her without gray hair. There is nothing weighted in his words. It is just a fact. He doesn't remember.
Sometimes...in brief moments, I wonder if my decision is fair to my children. Fair in the sense that I am an older parent, anyway, and then I add silver hair into the mix. Kind of like taking out a big banner that says: OLDER MAMA LOCATED HERE.
I think I'll keep it for now. There is always time to change. GIRL will love it or hate it. Or not think about it much. Probably the latter. Or...maybe when I'm 50, I'll dye it purple...
For more about my journey to becoming Silver, you can read and see the pictorial here.