Friday, June 5, 2009

Pay desired: anything will do, since current pay is in gold pirate coins and playdoh


FOR HIRE:

SAHM seeks employment either inside or outside the home. Outside the home would be preferable, but she is willing to barricade herself in home office with ear plugs if necessary.

Current Skill Set Includes, but Not Limited To:

shrieking NOOOO!!!!!!! at the top of her lungs

Eye for detail: picking up: toys, dishes, old band-aids, balled up pieces of paper, men's underwear, wet towels, cat's vomit, day old pee filled pull-ups, really anything... she isn't picky

Film editor: rerunning a cartoon over and over in her head that says: FUCK ME!

wine taster

damn good cookie maker

damn good cookie eater

ability to use her clothes as a human food shield

storyteller

policewoman

Ability to answer: Why? What? Why? What? Why? What? more times than thought humanly possible

laundress

Creative chef/nutritionist: making dinner out of a loaf of bread, eggs and sugar followed up with a milk shooter to achieve Vitamin D nutrients

mediator

negotiator

driver

garbage collector

Flexible: ability to stuff body into what have become small pants

hugger

Hair stylist: why a haircut when pulling out hair by the handfuls will suffice?

typist

list maker

social calendar keeper

Ability to live in denial: if one wears clothes smeared with peanut butter (because one is too tired to care) out into the world and pretends it isn't there, is it there?

teacher

life guard

accountant

butt wiper

advocate

nurse

Pay desired: anything will do, since current pay is in gold pirate coins and playdoh.

Contact Information: SAHM can be found at home curled up into a fetal position chewing on fishnets due to overindulgence of caffeine when whiskey and chocolate have been depleted. Perhaps best to leave a message. Ability to talk coherently may be compromised...




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11 comments:

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

Well Mrs. G. did get an invitation to submit a spec off her blog--maybe you will too~!

painted maypole said...

you might have to fight me for any job that fits that description

Andrea Frazer - Pass the Zoloft said...

You WILL get work. Tell yourself every day that you will.

Meanwhile, more whiskey is due!

Nora said...

I'd hire you!

Margaret said...

Oh my goodness, I've been there, my sister. Un-curl from time to time and count that as exercise.

Janet said...

It's not peanut butter; it's embellishment.

All Adither said...

Hired!

Lisa Wheeler Milton said...

But your current pay is so high...

What a fun post.

Manic Mommy said...

Rumor has it SAHM INC is going public and we're all going to make a killing off our options...

Jason, as himself said...

You are HIRED! I will be drinking Jack and Coke while you do all of this with my children.

Cheri @ Blog This Mom! said...

But the benefits package at your current job is the best in town.

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