JCK finds that parenting is a lot like life. Some days are golden. And some days? Are just bloody hard. She's depleted. Out of patience. Out of coping skills. Out of even finding the vocabulary for her own thoughts. Her footing is precarious.
She wonders if the universe is conspiring against her? Because it feels personal.
She can't control anything, and she thinks she can. It's laughable, really. Yet, a battle she just isn't going to win. The irrepressible feelings, the highs and lows, the failures - all of it, hers.
Yesterday was a day when communicating with her son was like picking gum off her shoe. Or being in that dream. You know the one. The nightmare where everyone is talking in slow motion and you can't move away... your limbs stuck in space.
Today her boy kept getting hurt. First a very hard wallop of a tire swing in motion to his cheek, then a bent finger, and at dinner he thought he was choking -was panicked, hysterical.
The journey with BOY is one that is meant for JCK. No doubt about it. Yet, having a child with challenges sometimes feels brutal. There are days when JCK is winging it. Doing the best she can. That's all she knows what to do.
Sometimes, JCK wishes she could crawl into bed, hide, and pull the covers over her head. The fatigue has done a tattoo march down her spine. But, she can't... because her family depends on her. And, they need her now most of all. So, she WILL rise to the occasion. She will be a grown-up. Or, give it her best shot. No matter how flawed. But, secretly she wishes...she could sleep through the tough parts. Yes, she does...
Painting "Between Darkness & Wonder" by Chuck Gumpert.