I became part of the maelstrom and...

We all have our breaking point. And I had mine today. With my daughter. Who has been testing me ever since I got home on Sunday night. My precious daughter, whom I adore. My willful daughter who can suddenly turn into a wild child, an obstinate, belligerent, angry little girl. And I got sucked up into the maelstrom today. No, that's not true. I became part of the maelstrom and...I spanked her. For the first time in her life.

It was as if I was watching from above. I was so detached on one hand, yet so bloody angry on the other. E and I have an agreement that we will raise our children without spanking them. After I spanked her, she flung herself on her bed and I left the room, stunned. My hand stinging and my body vibrating with anger and shock. And then there was a silence, punctuated only by her angry wails.

E came home a short time later, and I told him that I had lost it and spanked her. I asked if he could go in and talk with her. I wasn't ready yet, and I don't think she was ready for me...either.

After E came out, a few minutes passed, and I went in to see her. To talk to her. At first, before I said anything, she threw the covers over her head shutting me out. I patted her gently through her blanket and asked if I could talk with her. There was no response. And so, I did what I had come in to do. I apologized. I told her how very sorry I was, that I had lost my temper, and that I had been wrong in spanking her. That. I. Was. Wrong.

And then it was as if the sun came out. My precious girl threw her arms around my neck and climbed into my lap. She said she loved me. I buried my nose in her neck and told her how much I loved her. And again, how sorry I was. And I am. So very sorry.

There is something incredibly powerful about apologizing to your child.

I know that some parents believe in spanking. I am not making a judgement here. But, for me, it is as my mother told me. The few times she spanked us, while we were growing up, were about HER losing control. The spanking was about her anger. And she regrets it. Today the spanking of GIRL was about my anger. And I should have walked away...

I am human. This is true. I believe I am a very good mother. Often. But, I have years to go before I am done. Learning how to be a good mother. Years to go...


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Painting titled: No Outward Sign by Chuck Gumpert.

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