Wednesday, September 24, 2008

I believe my Mound of Venus has been RIPPED OFF


I have just confirmed two things. That I am not into S&M. And… if you are going to experience pain, tis’ best to take that shot of JD beforehand. Yes. Have that shot or two of self-medication. Skip the cola. That little bit of sugar won’t do anything to prevent the onslaught of FIRE that occurs when you choose to have hair ripped out of your nether region. Hair. RIPPED OUT.

You see, I went to get my usual done. My upper leg wax that I get every 6-8 weeks. It's a bit painful, but bearable for the result. Dreamy smooth skin. I hadn’t had a bikini wax in years and thought ..why not treat myself? Treat. Yeah…I DID just say that. So, I go to my usual gal and say that I want a little bit more taken off this time. Note my use of those three words… A. Little. Bit. I pointed to the area. She nodded. We communicated. Or, so I thought. Apparently, a little bit means something very different to me than it does to my anesthesiologist. Oh yeah, I mean aesthetician. I SO could have used an anesthesiologist, though... Oh, my…YES. I could have. It would have been so lovely to sleep through THE PAIN.

Is there not something additionally horrific about a nice woman talking in a quiet voice, the two of you sharing stories of your lives, and every mmmm... 30 seconds or so she causes you PAIN? There you are chatting nicely back and forth. She lays the warm wax on your skin, which feels kind of soothing…lulling you into a false state of relaxation and then…RIPPPPPP. Silent Scream. Pain. PAIN. That was PAIN. And then she does it again and AGAIN- yet checking in with me every once in a while to make sure I'm O.K.?

O.K.?

Yeah…sure. But, what THE HELL just happened? I believe my Mound of Venus has been RIPPED OFF. And maybe my Vagina, too. Is it still there? I look. I think it is. Still there. Gulp. Gulp. Trying not to cry… I smile back at her through clenched teeth. Can she tell I’m faking the smile? Would another woman NOT EXPECTING this much PAIN have BITCH SLAPPED her? But, I can’t do that.... Damn! I'm a nice middle-aged suburban woman. I’m a mother for God’s sake! I stay SILENT. We talk of other things. Anything. Best NOT to focus on the PAIN. Or… to look down. I flip over onto my stomach. Dear God. Let my ass be hairless. It seems the worst is over. Phwwwooooo...We finish. Amazingly my panties still seem to be on. I thought they had been shredded. No blood? No evidence of the carnage? I'm shocked.

I thank her. I get dressed. I pay her. I feel lighter. So MUCH lighter. I walk out. Am I taller? I believe I AM taller. Did my body unravel into a stretching yoga pose whilst I was on the madwoman's table? Oh, no…it is just that I’m walking higher. My feet aren’t really touching the ground because my entire VA JAY JAY is on FIRE. And I’m...well, I'm ...hop walking. Kind of like a cowboy who has been in the saddle all day with burrs in his britches. Except not.

I get home and drop trou. Panties next. And what greets my eyes? Oh…NOOOO. Oh, no, no, nooooo. My VA JAY JAY looks like it is a VA HEY HEY for air traffic controllers. The hair (what’s left of it) resembles a…a… a landing strip. Yes. A. Landing. Strip. IT IS HIDEOUS. Hideous, I tell you. Some fucking feminist I am.

There IS a silver lining in all this. Isn't there? There is! Tonight, once I can walk again, I’ll have a new signal system for my husband. No more WINK WINK NOD NOD.

Hey, honey! Lookie lookie! Just in case you didn’t know where to put the engine down, here’s your very own landing strip!

..................................Now, you know sweetie…staring is RUDE.
................Come on DOWN...BIG BOY!


What would Mae West say?

Are ya gonna be a LOOKIE LOO or a WINNAH, Big Boy?

On second thought…I think I’ll have the lights out and have him fumble around for the goodies. But, that's later. Right now? I’m going to lie down and put ice on my mons pubis. And in my next life…I’m going to come back as a hairless Norwegian.


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38 comments:

Kalynne Pudner said...

Goodness. My. Now, I thought I'd once read you were blogging as a kind of virtual verbal scrapbook for BOY and GIRL...I can only imagine their reaction to this one!

But thanks for the tip on pre-wax JD consumption. I rather think I'd need the whole bottle.

Angie @ KEEP BELIEVING said...

Lights out? Brian would SO be turning on the lights and having a sexy time looking at the newly exposed goods. WHAT IS IT ABOUT THAT FOR GUYS???

KEEP BELIEVING

Fiesty Charlie said...

Two lesbians in Austin are sitting here laughing right along with you... you are laughing by now right?

Oh, two married lesbians.... LOL

Cheri @ Blog This Mom! said...

"Just in case you didn’t know where to put the engine down, here’s your very own landing strip!"

Genius.

calicobebop said...

Normally I try not to laugh at other people's pain, but this is too hilarious. Walking taller because your Va Jay Jay is on fire? Priceless!!

merlotmom said...

I can totally picture you walking like a cowboy! You're cracking me up. For the record, a razor works (at least for me) just fine.

barbra said...

Well, you have sufficiently scared me! You've saved me from possibly trying it, so that's good!

Kate said...

All I can say is "OUCH"!!!

Denise said...

I'm a veteran. Give it a chance. The first time is the worst!!

Angeline said...

OMG!!! this post itself took every possible emotions out of me.
I was first going hmmm... then *ouch*... then OMG!!!... then *huge laugh*.... then *oh poor thing*... then Oh my! its all mixed up now! *laugh*

Professor J said...

Well, darlin. I hope you and your landing strip feel better soon.

Mrs. G. said...

Uh uh. No way. I can only imagine an eyebrow wax times 10,000.

Memarie Lane said...

It's actually called a "mound of Venus." Located just above your Delta of Venus. :P <----- Big Anais Nin fan, can you tell?

Ginaagain said...

Oh no! I can't even stand waxing my upper lip. I am such a wimp... a fuzzy wimp.

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

Never. Ever. Ever.

That's what I thought before and you have certainly reinforced my decision.

liv said...

I thought it was required reading to google my "waxing wednesday" before going in for that procedure. enjoy keeping your kitty clean! xoxo

Tootsie Farklepants said...

I'm only laughing because I can sympathize. My first Brazilian and all the redness and the swelling...it looked like someone slapped the crap out of my vagina.

Wait...

That sounds so wrong.

Jen said...

There were so many hilarious lines in this post! I even laughed at the label "blatant idiocy perpetrated upon myself". This reminded me of the time I convinced my husband to try some "miracle wax" system on his back hair and his entire body lifted about one foot off the bed when I pulled that strip off!

happygeek said...

Yikes.

JCK said...

Ladies, the fire is gone this morning, but it is now fall and the area looks like it needs a sweater.

Memarie Lane, thanks for pointing out my typo. I changed it to mound. Being an Anais Nin fan myself, I should have had that memorized! Mound does make more sense. Although in this PARTICULAR post about my new landing strip...mount worked, too. ;)

I'm thrilled that my patootie going up in flames can elicit so many funny comments!

phd in yogurtry said...

Aw, poor baby. That sounds like pure torture. Have never done any waxing, hope never to.

On a slightly different note, I bet your landing strip is sexier than the fu-man-chu I was left with when I was shaved for my c-section.

Stacie said...

all this pain talk is it odd that I want to experience this? It has to be better than ingrown hairs from shaving right? no? oh.

Heather of the EO said...

I rarely laugh out loud when reading posts, but this one got me a few times. OW OW OW...

Lisa@verybusymomwith4 said...

Ouch. Ouch.

I was in pain reading that first part but laughing during the rest!

Jennifer H said...

I've always wanted to try that. Or I did. Okay, so I still do, but I want to be really drunk first.

You make me laugh!

painted maypole said...

OUCH!!! I had a (very minimal) bikini wax once, and OUCH!this story will likely keep me from ever having one again.

Reluctant Blogger said...

haha hilarious. I thought all you American women had a full wax down there. Just goes to show how little I know about such things.

But yeah, it gets easier each time if you can face going back.

I think too much hair in certain regions is not terribly appealing. Well, it does not rock my boat anyway - or land my jet or whatever would be more appropriate.

Hope you had a lovely weekend away and that you managed to calm down and chill out. I know that Hamster Wheel feeling all too well.

g said...

AAAcccck!! Poor you!

Landing strip! Snerk!!!

Nora Bee said...

Ha ha ha ha ha! I went through a "phase" of this kind of waxing. I really don't know what I was thinking.

stephanie (bad mom) said...

JesusMaryandJoseph, bless you going before us to report back.

I will opt out of this procedure, thanks to your very vivid recount.

be well

Wes said...

I couldn't stop laughing through the whole thing.

(Sorry for your pain though.)

:D

Jason said...

I'm so glad I'm not a woman.

Andrea Frazer said...

I am laughing so hard. I must link this from Good Housekeeping and BabyCenter. Less work for me and you can get rich on ad clicks. Hilarious. Is it okay to link???

Janet said...

Good lord. Ouch. Ouch! OUCH!
Yeah, definitely Not. Trying. This. Ever.
Thank God the Mountain Man doesn't object to au naturel.

Mrs. Jacqueline said...

I needed that, thank you! I laughed so hard I cried :) And I also peed a little, you can blame that phenomenon on my big-headed baby.

Lorraine Devon Wilke said...

Effing HILARIOUS! I laughed out loud at your pain, Jennifer, but I wasn't laughing AT you, I was laughing WITH you, honest! :)

But now that the swelling has gone down I have to ask, was it worth it?

A bigger question seems to be: what is it about this day and age (there's a hackneyed term) that seems to suggest or even require hairlessness? I'm so old that I can squint through the gauze of time to when men actually got hot at the sight of a pretty girl's hirsute armpit or considered unshaven legs to be a sign of a woman spiritually attached to Mother Earth. Now it seems an errant hairline in the pubis region is cause for all manner of male revulsion and the demand for appropriate landscaping.

I say, "bah!"

Maybe I'm too lazy or pain-adverse, or maybe it's because my own husband is old enough to remember those hairier days with warm nostalgia (he once asked me to grow out my armpit and leg hair for his pleasure...which I did for EVER so brief a moment, later explaining that there were limits to my attachment to Mother Earth!). Maybe it's because there's so little left that a woman can present naturally in this era of botox, silicone and liposuction and STILL be considered beautiful or lovely or attractive, much less hot. I dunno.

But when the amount of pubic hair we possess becomes an arbiter of our desirability, I truly say "bah." Men, man up and accept that hair - long, beautiful hair - is just another part of the geography of the person you love. And, my fellow-women, consider that we girls are afflicted with enough involuntary gender-specific pain (periods, childbirth, menopause, mammograms, PTA) that the self-inflicted variety seems redundant.

But Jennifer, enjoy your landing strip while it lasts...who knows the joyful flights that will ensue with its loving guidance! :))

carcar said...

Can you believe we actually PAY people to do this?

slamet riyadi said...

he he he ... funny. occasional laugh over the suffering of others may be tolerated??

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