The Motherscribe Interview Series: feminism, aging, parenting, identity and sex...

(NOTE: THIS INTERVIEW SERIES WAS ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED IN 2009. There were more than 25 interviews with women.)

My first interview is with Stephanie, who lives in Washington State. She is 40 years old, married, with two children. She is a teacher. She has a blog called Bad Mom.

What does the word feminist mean to you? Has the meaning changed over time? To me, it means believing women are capable of doing whatever enters their imaginations and should be allowed to pursue their dreams. The meaning hasn’t changed to me.

Do you consider yourself a feminist? I do.

Would others consider you a feminist? I hope so.

If you are a feminist, do you feel comfortable owning that title in your everyday life? Sure.

What are some images that come to mind when you think of the women’s movement? I think of women who picketed for the vote, went to work in factories, and burned their bras.

What was the greatest gift of the women’s movement? I think it was a gift that the federal government recognized equal rights for women as a significant issue.

What was the greatest failure of the women’s movement? I consider it a failure that some women discount the opinions and choices of those who choose a domestic role.

Did your mother work outside the home? Yes.

How did that affect you growing up? I was a latchkey kid and often cared for myself & little sister until dinnertime; it made me feel capable and trustworthy and strong.

What impression did that leave with you about women working outside the home? I didn’t know anyone whose mother didn’t work outside the home, so it seemed a normal part of life. I felt like it made sense for the family’s well-being, and it required all of us to have more of a role in housekeeping.

Did your father respect your mother? Absolutely.

Did your mother respect your father? Definitely.

Who were your earliest female role models other than your mother? My maternal grandmother, teachers, older cousins.

What did you dream of being when you were a child? A teacher.

What do you yearn for? I would love to be able to travel more – around my state, the country, the world.

Was getting married/partnered a conscious goal or focus early on in your adulthood? Not early, necessarily.

Is there an event(s) that affected you in childhood/adolescence that impacted your identity in a positive or negative way? Living next door to my maternal grandparents most of my childhood positively linked my identity with that side of my family.

Have you ever dieted? In high school, briefly.

Are you happy and/or comfortable with your weight? Yes

Would you describe yourself as someone with “body issues?” If so, when do you remember this starting? What do you attribute it to? I would not describe myself as having body issues; I’ve always felt sad for people who constantly worry about their bodies.

How do you feel about the sexualizing of young women in our society? Sexualizing girls & young women is distressing to me – I feel the same about sexualizing boys & young men, too. They should enjoy innocent pleasures of childhood much longer.

What do you wish your mother had told you about marriage, life, anything…that you didn’t hear from her? I wish my mom would have talked about her first marriage, to my birth father – I have no idea how they met, what he was like, how he left.

What role did your father play in your childhood? My birth father was gone after I turned 4 – he wrote a couple of times when I was a teenager but I’ve not seen him since; the dad I grew up with married my mom just before my 6th birthday and immediately adopted me.

What was your relationship like with your father? Close – though he was strict, I knew he always had my best interests at heart and became increasingly easier to talk with as I got older.

How do you feel about aging? I got a little panicky as I approached 40, and still feel wistful about each passing year, but generally I’m cool with it; there is no sense in worrying – it happens if I want to be alive.

How do you feel about plastic surgery? Ugh. For me, I’m not interested for vanity’s sake.

Did your mother or another caretaker talk to you about sex and what to expect? Not really; I was directed to a set of books and told to ask questions if I needed to.

How was your first sexual experience? Quick and without much discussion; not horrible but not as deeply romantic as I had hoped.

Is marriage liberating or inhibiting sexually? Oh liberating.

What makes you feel sexy? Fancy underwear, listening to certain music, sumptuous food & drink, the way someone looks at me.

Do you have the energy/desire for sex at the end of the day? Usually.

What turns you on? Music, food & drink, my man working, Edward Norton/Mark Wahlberg…

What would make your sex life better? I can’t imagine.

Why did you decide to be a stay-at-home mom? Before my oldest child was born, I decided to stay home until my kids were established in school because I wanted to get to know them well; I wanted to be their first teacher and expose them to as much culture as I could.

Do you consider it a job? Do you feel that you are valued? I definitely considered being a SAHM a job. I felt valued by my family & close friends; I ran into some people who thought I was “wasting” my potential.

Do you feel supported by your partner? Definitely.

Do you feel supported by other women? Most of the time.

What do you love about being a SAHM? I thoroughly loved watching my kids living & learning; I also loved creating my own schedule everyday.

Is there a dark side of being a SAHM? Sure – wanting/needing time alone in the middle of the day.

What was your career before you had children? Teacher .

Has it been hard to let go of that identity? Or you still identify with that role? It was hard to let go of my identity as a professional teacher, but I could still see myself as a teacher for my own kids.

If you had a choice to return to work, would you? I did.

What do you love about being a working mom? I love my job – I feel I do it well and make a difference in the lives of other people’s children; I think I’m a positive example to my own children in this role.

What are the challenges of being a working mom? Definitely balancing work time & family time – trying to take care of my job responsibilities and still have time to be with my husband & kids and do the things we want to do together.

If you had a choice to be at home with your children, would you? I do have a choice – I was home with them for 7 years.

Was the decision an economic one (e.g., your family requires two incomes)? No.

Do you beat yourself up for not spending enough time with your kids? I feel slightly stressed when I’m still in my classroom as my kids are getting home from school, but I don’t beat myself up.

Do you feel supported by your partner? Yes.

Do you feel supported by other women? Yes.

Do you feel valued in your workplace? Definitely.

Do you feel valued at home? Absolutely.

Do you believe a happy, fulfilled mom is a better mom whether her choice is to work outside the home or to stay at home with her children? Yes, certainly – happy & fulfilled makes for a better mom, and a better example to her children.

How old are your children? 10 & 8

What do you want to do differently with your children than what you received from your parents? I want to be more open with our conversations, and I want to let them make more choices on their own – even the consequences are painful (though not harmful).

What would you like to carry on that your parents established with you? The importance of staying in touch with family.

How has having children changed the relationship with your partner? We had not realized some key differences we had in child-rearing philosophies, but that has made us better communicators.

Do you have dates with your partner? Oh yes.

Do you have personal “ME” time scheduled every week/every day? Definitely.

How do you combat stress? Writing, reading alone in my room, taking a bath.

Do you get out regularly with girlfriends? Yes.

Has it been challenging to retain a separate sense of self from your role as mother & wife? Challenging, yes.

What do you do to facilitate that? Does your partner help make that happen? I usually need to be a mother in certain places and a wife in others – essentially, no hanky panky in places where the children are/have been/might be (hanky panky does not include PG kissing & groping). My man helps, yes.

Do you help create personal space for your partner? Yes.

Does your partner share in household tasks? Yes.

How did you think your life would be when you got married? How do you feel now? I thought our house would be neater and mealtimes would be easier and neither of those things is true, but I feel like what we have is just right.

Do you see evidence of “The Mommy Wars” in your everyday life? Not really – occasionally at my kids’ school or a PTA function, I’ll run into SAHMs who clearly think I’m foolish for working outside the home.

Are you happy and/or fulfilled with your life? Why? I am happy and feel generally fulfilled (I would like to travel more). I am surrounded by family, friends, & coworkers who are loving and supportive; I am comfortable with my lifestyle and love my job.

Can women do it all? They can, but it might make them miserable or resentful. I hope we choose to seek – and accept – help & support.

Thank you, Stephanie.

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Comments are closed for The Motherscribe Interviews. For more about Stephanie, please find her on Bad Mom.

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The Motherscribe Interview Series: the 25th interview...

My 25th interview is with Painted Maypole. She is 34 and lives in Louisiana. She is married, with one child, and is a stay-at-home mom. She has a blog called Painted Maypole.


What does the word feminist mean to you? Has the meaning changed over time? The word has so many meanings assigned to it by society, so I do think my understanding of its meaning has changed over time. Right now it means to me someone who believes in equal and fair treatment of women and girls. (but oh… “equal” and “fair” are such difficult words)

Do you consider yourself a feminist? Yes

Would others consider you a feminist? Probably

If you are a feminist, do you feel comfortable owning that title in your everyday life? It’s not a word I use on a regular basis, but I’m not uncomfortable with it.

What was the greatest failure of the women’s movement? The feeling that staying home with your kids was not good enough.

Did your mother work outside the home? She did a little bit of teaching when I was younger, although was mostly home. I was probably a preteen before she started working full time in a school environment.

How did that affect you growing up? My mom was home when I came home from school, even for most of the years that she worked. And when she was home she was with our family… not doing other things for work, etc. Her presence was very important. As an adult my mom has talked with me about the whole quantity vs quality thing, and helped me to understand that presence is really important. As she puts it, most days when I came home from school I threw my bag in the corner and ran out to play and she didn’t see me again until dinner. But on the days when I needed to talk or needed to celebrate or needed someone just to be with me, she was there. She would have missed that if she hadn’t been there.

What impression did that leave with you about women working outside the home? I don’t think I thought much about it when I was a kid, but as an adult I understand the value of being home because of that. Also the understanding that you can work outside the home and still be very present when you are at home.

Was your mother a homemaker? Our house was always a HOME. Unquestionably. I think having a HOME is very important, and I’m learning to embrace the title “homemaker.” I don’t think that only parents who stay home are homemakers.

Did your father respect your mother? Yes!

Did your mother respect your father? Yes! My parents love for each other was always obvious, not only in their respect for each other, but in their displays of affections. Friends always conveyed their surprise when seeing my parents kiss or hold hands. But I’ve always remembered them doing that. They do disagree sometimes, as well.

What did you dream of being when you were a child? A marine biologist. And a mommy.

What do you yearn for? It depends on the day! Mostly I yearn for close friendships. Connection. Community. And artistic challenge and fulfillment.

Was getting married/partnered a conscious goal or focus early on in your adulthood? No. As a child I expected to get married, but I didn’t date much in high school or my first 2 years at college, and I began imagining my life as an actor who went wherever the work was until settling down sometime in the distant future. Then I met my husband, and as it turns out I got married 3 weeks after graduating from college.

Have you ever dieted? Not seriously.

Are you happy and/or comfortable with your weight? It has been creeping upwards the past few years, and I would like to creep it back down and then keep it there. I’m not overweight, but I would like to be a little leaner.

Would you describe yourself as someone with “body issues?” If so, when do you remember this starting? What do you attribute it to? I am sometimes uncomfortable with my height (5’10”), which I attribute to being taller than all the boys in school. I think that intimidated the boys, which in turn made me feel like the odd duck out.

What do you wish your mother had told you about marriage, life, anything…that you didn’t hear from her? I wish I could talk more with my mother about the hardships of day to day marriage, but the strained relationship between my husband and her precludes that, because to talk to her about it would feel like a betrayal to him. I feel that loss, because I feel that she would have a lot to offer.

What role did your father play in your childhood? He was very active, even taking time to volunteer in the classroom and go on field trips. He was the only dad that did that, and I knew it. I always knew I was loved and cared for.

How do you feel about plastic surgery? I don’t think I’ll ever have it, but never say never, I suppose. I wish that we were allowed to age gracefully. I’m conflicted about the fact that I dye my hair to hide the grey.

Did your mother or another caretaker talk to you about sex and what to expect? I knew a lot about the actual mechanics of it, and about birth control, but I don’t think I knew much of “what to expect” on a more personal level.

What makes you feel sexy? Dancing.

What would make your sex life better? If my husband would dance. It sounds so silly, but I really think it would. I cannot talk him into it.

How do you feel about the sexualizing of young women in our society? Hate, hate, hate it. It scares me, and I think we have to put our collective foot down and not allow our daughters to become easy victims to what media and fashion would have them be.

Why did you decide to be a stay-at-home mom? To be with my daughter. To raise her within my family. It’s as simple as that. (I am not strictly a SAHM as I do work about 15 hours a week, but that job is mostly done while my daughter is in school. I also do theatre (sometimes paying, sometimes not) that takes me away in the evenings and occasional weekends. My husband is usually home then, but not always. We do sometimes rely on sitters and friends)

Do you consider it a job? Do you feel that you are valued? I consider it a vocation. Most days I feel valued.

Do you feel supported by your partner? Usually.

Do you feel supported by other women? Yes.

What do you love about being a SAHM? Being able to be flexible. Being there for the teaching moments… I love that when my daughter wants to read, I can read with her. When she wants to play or paint or whatever we can usually make it happen. Her life is not lived by a day planner. Her life is just lived.

Is there a dark side of being a SAHM? Loneliness. The lack of financial security.

What was your career before you had children? As an actress I did all sorts of odd things, but nothing outside acting that amounted to a career, and not enough of acting to really call it that.

Has it been hard to let go of that identity? Or you still identify with that role? I have had to adjust how much theatre I do, but am getting back into it more and more. It is hard to not have that be as central in my life, but I know I have the rest of my life to be on stage. I have only this childhood with my daughter.

If you had a choice to return to work, would you? If I could get paid a decent wage for good, consistent work acting in the theatre, I would probably do it. However, I have resisted the opportunity to apply for a full time theatre teacher job. I don’t want to give up being home for that. I would if I had to, financially. I know I would enjoy that job, but I think the other things I would lose would not make up for it.

Can women do it all? No. No one can. But women CAN work and be good parents.

How old are your children? One daughter, 6 years old.

What would you like to carry on that your parents established with you? Never a doubt that I was loved. Encouragement for the many different things I did.

Do you have dates with your partner? Not regularly, my theater schedule makes that too difficult.

Do you have personal “ME” time scheduled every week/every day? No. My time in the theatre is sort of “me” time, but it doesn’t always fill that need.

How do you combat stress? Wine ;)

Do you get out regularly with girlfriends? No. I don’t have close girlfriends who live here, and that saddens me.

Has it been challenging to retain a separate sense of self from your role as mother & wife? My work as an actress is actually quite separate, so much so that sometimes I have a hard time combining the two.

Do you help create personal space for your partner? Not very well. When I know he is stressed (like now) I try to create a good environment for him to come home to, but I feel like I could do this better.

Does your partner share in household tasks? He does the laundry. I do just about everything else.

How did you think your life would be when you got married? How do you feel now? I don’t feel as connected, as “this is life with my best friend” as I thought it would be. Sometimes I feel like partners, and sometimes I feel like we are just two adults living in the same house. Mostly, though, I feel committed, so that no matter how distant I feel I know that I am in this for the long haul, and so I work to close the gap and keep it together. I wish there was more honesty about that work of marriage in the media and within families and friends. I think sometimes we are afraid to not only talk about the struggles in our own marriages, but we are afraid to hear about the struggles in others. Because my husband is a pastor in our church, I feel this acutely, because it is particularly inappropriate to talk about personal issues involving a friend’s pastor.

Are you happy and/or fulfilled with your life? Why? Yes and no. I’m happy with a lot of things, but want a lot of other things to be better. I’m OK with that, though, as I think it’s important to have things to strive for. I am working to, as Paul says, “rejoice in all things.” (I do not think that joy and happiness are strictly the same, and I’m working on figuring that out as well.)

Do you believe a happy, fulfilled mom is a better mom whether her choice is to work outside the home or to stay at home with her children? I think a happy mom is essential to a happy home, however, I think our society has put too much emphasis on the lie that we can have it all, and it has led to much dissatisfaction in many areas of our lives because we feel like somehow we have missed the boat. Living our lives requires choices and compromises, and it seems that people are unwilling to do that, or are miserable when they do because they expected life to be a fairytale.



Thank you, Painted Maypole


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The Motherscribe Interviews are closed to comments. For more about Painted Maypole, please find her on Painted Maypole.

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The Motherscribe Interview Series: the 24th interview...

My 24th interview is with Phd in Yogurtry who lives in Texas. She is in her mid-to-late-40s. She is married with 3 children and works outside the home. She has a blog called CoffeeYogurt.


What does the word feminist mean to you? Has the meaning changed over time? It means that women have equal opportunity as men, that women are treated equally under the law, and that considerations be allowed for biological differences, such as pregnancy.

Do you consider yourself a feminist? Yes.

Would others consider you a feminist? Yes. There may be a few people living under a rock who don’t know. No, I don’t broadcast in every situation. But in conversation, I do advocate the feminist viewpoint and I try to be subtle if I suspect someone would recoil from a strident view.

If you are a feminist, do you feel comfortable owning that title in your everyday life? Yes. But I’m not overbearing. I believe mostly in starting with my own life, first.

What are some images that come to mind when you think of the women’s movement? Bra burning. Fish bicycle quotes. Harsh judgements made by misogynists who don’t understand feminism or are threatened by it. The feminists I know well are great at self-advocacy and taking control of their bodies which also includes insisting on quality sex which usually translates into more sex for the men in their lives. Hello? Pay attention! But I also think about moms and dads sharing roles and living more fulfilled lives.

What was the greatest gift of the women’s movement? Children getting to know their dads better, having more quality and quantity relationships with their fathers.

What was the greatest failure of the women’s movement? Neglecting to promote mommy issues: child care and flex time for example. I dropped my NOW membership when the president sent out a letter instructing members to vote for ANY woman that ran for office. Um, no.

How do you feel about the sexualizing of young women in our society? Worried. Frightened for my daughters. Sad. It’s a trend that doesn’t empower women so much as influence boys / men to see them as playthings born to satisfy their own desire, rather than a trend that encourages men to appreciate the complexity of women as a human beings with minds, and their own preferences and needs. It’s reductionistic and that doesn’t promote healthy understanding, healthy sex, healthy appreciation of the sexiness of women who don’t have 20 inch waists and 38 inch bust lines.

Did your mother work outside the home? No.

Was your mother a homemaker? Yes.

How did that affect you growing up? She was always there, she ran a dependable household, healthy meals always.. But she was also too dependent on my dad. She abdicated so much of herself. She didn’t understand my assumption, in college, that I would work after I had children, and we argued about that and it started a rift that we haven’t fully put behind us.

Did your father respect your mother? Yes and no. Yes in that he demanded we kids respect her and most of the time he treated her with respect. But he often badgered her and insisted on having it his way, was emotionally overbearing and talked to her in a way that was disrespectful.

Did your mother respect your father? Yes.

Who were your earliest female role models other than your mother? Teachers. I mostly remember a nun who taught me Science and Religion classes. She dared to move a little beyond what the priests would have preferred being taught. She was this subtle rogue nun who taught “God is Love” and preached a slightly hippie message. I admired her willingness to answer my sticky questions in a way that allowed me to doubt.

What did you dream of being when you were a child? For a short period, a nun. A librarian. A grocery store checker. I loved the click, click, click of fingers on cash register keys. I did eventually work a cash register, so at least I achieved ONE dream.

What do you yearn for? A vacation getaway with my husband. We don’t have family close by who are willing to step in for a week. And travel in general. I yearn to be a world traveler.

Was getting married/partnered a conscious goal or focus early on in your adulthood? I always knew I wanted to be married someday and to have kids. I was in two long term relationships where I assumed we would marry, but held off. I didn’t focus on it until I was dumped at age 28 and suddenly worried that I might miss out on marriage and kids. Even then I was the reluctant bride. I had a fear of that looming negative forecast (the 50% divorce rate). So I think the answer is no. Marriage wasn’t something I consciously and stridently focused on.

Is there an event(s) that affected you in childhood/adolescence that impacted your identity in a positive or negative way? My father’s angry rages. I think he stifled my adolescent development.

Have you ever dieted? Is the Pope Catholic?

Are you happy and/or comfortable with your weight? Mostly no. I’ve never been skinny. Since 8th grade I’ve been trying to shed 10 pounds and now I want to shed 30 lbs. So no, never very comfortable with my weight. I did diet before my wedding and was at a weight I felt comfortable with, but I was also in that dieting state of feeling deprived, so I wasn’t comfortable with that, either.

Would you describe yourself as someone with “body issues?” If so, when do you remember this starting? What do you attribute it to? I remember having issues with the ugliness of my feet when I was an adolescent. Then came the thunder thighs. Or, what came first were magazines glamorizing skinny thighs and thereafter I felt horribly unattractive. I remember sitting in movie theatres in my teen and college years feeling inadequate and un-sexy by comparison to those skinny-thigh movie stars. It was inhibiting sexually for a long time. Now that I’ve gotten regular with my orgasms, I chase away those thoughts and let myself feel sexually attractive when it counts.

What do you wish your mother had told you about marriage, life, anything…that you didn’t hear from her? I wish she had embraced my early feminist thoughts. I wish she had listened more openly and without negative judgments to my relationship complaints. I wish she had talked about her fears about my being sexually active instead of seeming so angry. I wish she had explained more about the politics of boys and how they view sex differently then girls.

What role did your father play in your childhood? He worked. He was a constant provider. He sacrificed for us kids. He attended so many of our athletic events. But he was also the scary-mad guy who I didn’t want to be around at all.

What was your relationship like with your father? Antagonistic. He supported my athletic and academic achievements but his anger was overwhelming and abusive at times. So I was afraid of him, mad at him, resented him, hated how he badgered my mother, and so I hated him a lot of the time.

How do you feel about aging? It beats the alternative. I do love acquiring experience and expertise. I very much dread being a lonely widow one day.

How do you feel about plastic surgery? It’s very undemocratic. Another example of the rich having access to the goods and the advantages that ordinary folks can’t access. But it also leads to looking ridiculous and monstrous, so THERE.

Did your mother or another caretaker talk to you about sex and what to expect? My mom made a good faith effort. For someone coming from a house where sex was never discussed, she did a good job. She sat me and my brother down and had “the talk” but most of my information came from “the book” she gave us. I pretty much skipped to the Q&A section. I recall “Do you mean the man actually puts his penis inside a woman’s vagina?” and thinking the world would open up and I’d fall in. But the book was a good source of accurate information.

How was your first sexual experience? In these instances I think of the first time I had sexual intercourse. It was nice but no fireworks, of course. I was with a steady boyfriend who had been pestering me for a long time. It was in my bedroom, late afternoon. My parents weren’t home. I felt loved, excited, thrilled to be in the “club” who “knew” but scared at the same time, of getting pregnant. It was the first time for both of us and we were very much in love, so it was a shared joy. I remember it tenderly. I consider myself fortunate for this and hope my kids will be able to say the same.

Is marriage liberating or inhibiting sexually? Mostly liberating. The reality for me is that my husband is the best lover after a line of mediocre to lousy ones. So my marriage has been sexually liberating in the extreme. But there is an inhibiting force of long term partnering. The newness and passion wears off. The seductress in me has gone into hibernation, replaced by a sometimes lazy, too-self-conscious lover. I used to be more adventurous. I recall a relationship where we weren’t public. We just had secretive, exciting sex. And I do miss that side of myself. But not often. I am mostly thrilled that I finally experienced orgasm, and multiple orgasms, and I am a happy woman for that.

What makes you feel sexy? Having an orgasm. Knowing my husband is pleased with our sex, despite my fear he is bored or tired of me. But “sexy” isn’t a feeling I often have outside of the bedroom. I’ve too long been focused on my weight, my larger than average thighs, whatever cellulite might be showing.

Do you have the energy/desire for sex at the end of the day? Often, no. A typical scenario with me: I get a glimpse of my husband where I am turned on (usually he has a manly power tool in his hand) and I think, “yeah, tonight.” But then by the time we get into bed, the tired or edgy feeling crushes out the sexy feeling. Our sex happens often when the kids aren’t home or are at school. The best part about self-employment, making hours convenient for sex.

What turns you on? A man with a toilet brush in his hand. A man who asks, “what else can I do to help, honey?” A man who asks, “Are you OK? Talk to me.” I am more realistically turned on by intelligence, humor, irony, sexual innuendo, a man who is determined to make a woman come, a man who listens, who tries to understand his woman (because that’s about as good as it gets, right? Trying?)

What would make your sex life better? A pill or wave of a magic wand that takes away my self consciousness. Oh, wait. Something realistic? I hate to sound like a shrink, but communicating better. Telling my husband exactly what I’d like at the moment. Or talking about it later, “more of this, less of that, add a taste of this to see if I like it as much as I think I would.” Going away alone together to the Caribbean. Now THAT would make it fabulous.

What do you love about being a working mom? The adult interaction, developing a professional identity, the pride I feel in my work, the appreciation I get from those I am helping, getting out of the house, using my brain to solve complex problems. (Yes, I know parenting involves complex problems, but I get to solve those plus varied and different challenges that don’t involve cleaning up so many kids messes). I love earning a paycheck, contributing toward our financial security and MY financial security should something happen to him. This point is important to me. Also, the absence of guilt associated with splurging on myself (my splurges are laughably small most of the time).

What are the challenges of being a working mom? Oh, the worry about a sick child. Fortunately my husband has a lot of flexibility and my kids are almost never sick. Very lucky. Keeping up with something that resembles a fashionable wardrobe. Doing my taxes. Keeping up with filing. Ordinary tedium associated with work chores. Not working out as much as I should (and did more of when I was a SAHM).

Do you see evidence of “The Mommy Wars” in your everyday life? Not so much. I feel it around PTA moms occasionally. I occasionally hear the “I would never .. blah blah blah” judgements made about child care and decisions working moms make. I sometimes hear SAHMs phrase their decision in such a way that is sounds judgemental of working moms. “I wanted to be the one to raise my child” is a common one. As if working parents aren’t raising their own kids, setting the moral standards, teaching the important things we parents teach. It can be phrased, “I wanted to spend more time with my kids” and that works without casting a nod of disapproval to those of us who choose to work.

If you had a choice to be at home with your children, would you? No. I work three-quarters time, sometimes less than that, so I’m very very lucky to have work that allows me (or husband) to meet the kids’ school bus everyday. If I couldn’t be home this dependably and had to work a 40-hour week and didn’t have such satisfying work I would be tempted to SAH. If my husband earned a lot more, or if I won the lottery, or got a fat inheritance check, I would work less and do more self care for myself, preferably yoga classes, travel, art or photography classes.

Was the decision an economic one (e.g., your family requires two incomes)? There is an economic incentive, yes. To live in the house I’m in now? It’s a need. We could have lived off my husband’s income and stayed in our last house. But mostly, the incentive was about self-fulfillment, not economic. I worked very hard to achieve the degree and professional status I have obtained. I wanted very much to use it. I still do. I haven’t lost that drive.

Do you beat yourself up for not spending enough time with your kids? Sometimes. But then I talk myself out of heaping on guilt that stems from, in my opinion, a neurotic expectation that developed in the past 20 years as a result of too many experts trying to sell books. I believe in “good enough” parenting. I provide a safe home, three healthy meals (the occasional Count Chocula and hot dog nights, excepted) supervision, I check in when I see problems developing, I listen when they come to me, I am a highly present and available parent. I don’t need to hone in on every aspect of their lives. So I spend a lot of time giving myself the credit I deserve instead of worrying that I’m not more involved in their lives. I suppose I mostly believe I am adequately involved, I keep them safe, they know they are loved.

Do you feel supported by your partner? Yes. 99% of the time.

Do you feel supported by other women? Yes. Most of the women in my life share my values.

Do you feel valued in your workplace? Yes. Very much so, by my clients.

Do you feel valued at home? I often feel undervalued, under-appreciated. You know, the kids complain about not liking a meal. And I don’t feel they appreciate my time and efforts. But they are kids so that’s OK. Normal stuff. My husband doesn’t complain, ever, so I don’t know how he feels, but he doesn’t often show a lot of appreciation, either, so who knows what is going on in that brain of his? The eternal question. But to be sincere, I would like it if he said more appreciative things. When I sit down to a meal I’ve made where I tried to be creative and serve something a little different, I find myself asking, “so do you like it?” And he says, “um hmmm” but why do I have to ask? But he shows appreciation by doing things around the house, by helping out, by doing the lion’s share of some household chores when I’m busy and he’s not.

Do you believe a happy, fulfilled mom is a better mom whether her choice is to work outside the home or to stay at home with her children? Abso-fricking-lutely.

Can women do it all? No. Neither can men. Not a full time, ass-busting career and a healthy marriage and fully engaged parenting.

How old are your children? I have a teenage son and twin tween daughters.

What do you want to do differently with your children than what you received from your parents? I want my kids to be more free with their self expression. I don’t freak out when they disagree or show anger at me (well, sometimes I do, heh heh). I don’t take it personally, or try not to. I hope that if my kid votes differently than me one day, I won’t take it so hard, but that could prove to be a major challenge, because my way IS the right way, after all (wink).

What would you like to carry on that your parents established with you? My parents took an interest, they were there for me, they attended my extra-curricular activities, provided for me, showed me financial restraint, taught me frustration tolerance. I knew I could call them in a crisis and they would respond. They provided what was important and denied me over-indulgences. They also paid for my college. I am sacrificing now so that I can help my kids as much as I was helped.

How has having children changed the relationship with your partner? Um, no living room sex? No sex in front of the fireplace? Conversations that are interrupted constantly? But on the plus side, a deeper feeling of closeness. One of the things I hadn’t heard about or counted on was the thoroughly satisfying feeling of “this is my family.” MY family. I didn’t always have warm, comfortable feelings in my family of origin. I didn’t want to spend a lot of time with my parents. As a teen I made myself as scarce as possible. But THIS family? I absolutely love my little unit. And love that my husband is such a good dad. He’s an excellent, hands-on dad and it’s one of the things I so appreciate about him.

Do you have dates with your partner? When I initiate them, yes. (Do you get my drift?)

Do you have personal “ME” time scheduled every week/every day? Well, yes, in that I have scheduled tennis matches. That’s about as “scheduled” as my life ever seems to get.

How do you combat stress? Tennis. Walking. Blogging. Sex. Sitting on the back patio drinking cranberry vodka drinks with friends (wish you were here, Motherscribe!)

Do you get out regularly with girlfriends? Yes. Semi-regularly. I used to more than I do now. I get out as much as I want to. I’m getting more homebody-ish lately, slowing down I suppose, so it’s my choosing.

Do you help create personal space for your partner? No. I don’t need to. He does a good enough job himself (again with the drift?). But not unreasonably. He gardens and takes on projects of his choosing. I don’t feel the need to factor in his needs in this regard.

Does your partner share in household tasks? Yes. He makes the kids lunches every morning, for starters. I wish he would do more straightening and de-cluttering of the kids’ stuff. I often feel that gets left to me and I’m not very good at it.

How did you think your life would be when you got married? How do you feel now? As a kid I thought married life would mean sitting around the TV, watching the news with a cocktail in my hand. Instead it’s sitting around the TV, watching the Daily Show, with a cup of hot tea and computer in my lap. Maintaining a happy marriage, a functioning marriage, a marriage with healthy communication is hard. In my case, hard because he doesn’t initiate marital dialog. So I’m the one who feels like “the heavy.” I’m the one who brings up complaints. I often feel alienated and emotionally needy and sometimes lonely. I didn’t expect to feel lonely. But overall we have a healthy, loving, considerate, faithful, trusting marriage. This is what I had hoped for.

Has it been challenging to retain a separate sense of self from your role as mother & wife? Not really. I mean, sometimes I feel overwhelmed by the demands of being a mom. But I have friends who don’t know my husband. I do, however, have a slight dependent streak where I defer too much to him, where I am overly considerate of his feelings to the point where I ignore my own preferences and then sometimes resent it later. So yes, on that score, I feel that I am overly identified as a wife, rather than as an independent woman. But I think that comes with the territory to some extent.

What do you do to facilitate that? Does your partner help make that happen? My husband loves an independent, thinking, doing-for-herself woman. He is a low-control-needs kinda guy (a psychologist confirmed that long before he met me) and that means he lets me set the pace of so much of our lives. Which means my own life. He also knows I’m easier to live with when I get out and work, exercise, and spend time with my girlfriends. What I do? I plan things, give myself permission to spend time with friends, to play tennis, and let go of guilt. But it is a struggle sometimes. I have to keep working at it.

Are you happy and/or fulfilled with your life? Why? Wow. Jump right in! Yes, I’d say overall I am very happy and fulfilled. I have a good marriage, three wonderful, bright, happy, and healthy kids, plus a very cute little dog. At times I feel unfulfilled. At times I want more out of my life. I want to travel more, for example. But overall I think I’ve got a great life and keep it in perspective.

Thanks for taking the time to get to know me and allowing me to get to know other women.

Thank you, Phd in Yogurtry


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The Motherscribe Interviews are closed to comments. For more about Phd in Yogurtry, please find her on CoffeeYogurt.

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The Motherscribe Interview Series: the 23rd interview...

My 23rd interview is with Kizz who is 40 years old. She lives in New York City and is single. She has a blog called 117 Hudson.


What does the word feminist mean to you? Has the meaning changed over time? It calls to mind a bygone era, honestly. It’s about Gloria Steinham and Betty Friedan and women in the 70s protesting. While I see other types of people as feminist now the picture in my mind when I hear the word remains the same.

Do you consider yourself a feminist? No

Would others consider you a feminist? Some of them, sure.

If you are a feminist, do you feel comfortable owning that title in your everyday life? No, I feel as though I’m too traditionalist for the feminists and too feminist for the traditionalists.

What are some images that come to mind when you think of the women’s movement? Gloria Steinham, Betty Friedan, marches on Washington, very standard fare.

What was the greatest gift of the women’s movement? Women are being heard. (I’ve read this response over a few times and I kind of hate it but can’t seem to phrase it more to my liking so I’m going to let it lie. Maybe someone else’s interview or comment will help me rework it.)

What was the greatest failure of the women’s movement? I think that the radical stances that were probably required to make some of the great strides have made some women with less radical viewpoints feel separated from the movement.

Did your mother work outside the home? Sometimes. She taught, she worked in a factory and in an office but she also took care of kids in the home a lot of my growing up.

How did that affect you growing up? As an only child having the other kids around was probably good for me. Also on the only child front, when she was away I wasn’t too bothered since I like being by myself, I liked the freedom. I wasn’t a terrible kid, I had a pretty good self-regulating mechanism.

What impression did that leave with you about women working outside the home? I can’t think of any woman I knew as a kid who didn’t work outside the home for some portion of her day. I just thought it was something women did. I have a very utilitarian view of working to pay the bills. You do your job. You don’t necessarily do something you love but when the math demands it you take what you can get. Working, at something, was just something people did, gender wasn’t so much an issue.

Was your mother a homemaker? My mom has a lot of skills in the homemaking department but I wouldn’t call her a homemaker, even when she was home full time.

How did that affect you growing up? Not at all. My mom has this extensive knowledge of etiquette and society and a really lax attitude about having any use for either thing. So I almost always had the tools to deal with situations and was rarely embarrassed by not knowing how to deal with something but I also never had a bug for any of those conventions. I don’t think that was clear. She taught me how people expected things to be done but that didn’t mean she had a Martha Stewartesque need to do them.

Did your father respect your mother?

Did your mother respect your father? These two I have to answer together. I’m still learning, both from my parents and from my memory, a lot about what went on between them when I was a kid and wow, I’m damned if I know. I’m pretty sure my parents were in the process of getting divorced from the time I was a very young kid. Maybe they didn’t know it but it seems likely. On a basic human level they respected each other but not on a higher, I don’t know, love kind of level, the kind you hope to have when you think about being partnered. All that being said they allowed each other to make their own choices and, in most cases, supported those choices fully but I think that might have been out of some kind of general human respect rather than a specific respect for the other person.

Who were your earliest female role models other than your mother? My Auntie Blanche, an adopted grandmother to me and a lot of my friends. She was a music teacher, and an only child who never married. I had 2 grandmothers, 2 great grandmothers, the mothers of most of my friends and a few fabulous teachers as well as younger women that my parents taught and mentored.

Was getting married/partnered a conscious goal or focus early on in your adulthood? I wanted to be partnered, sure, but I never had that every-girl-plans-her-wedding-from-the-time-she’s-5 thing. As a matter of fact I never even had a picture of myself married in my head until I was probably in my 30s. Still doesn’t seem very likely or desirable. Partnered still does, though.

Is there an event(s) that affected you in childhood/adolescence that impacted your identity in a positive or negative way? I hate to have this be the answer but it’s the only one that feels right so I have to lay it out here. The single biggest event in my childhood that shaped my approach to life had to be my parents separation and eventual divorce. The clear signs of departure began when I was about 10 and they were officially divorced 3 years ago, when I was 37. It was the sort of thing that would come to a head and then you’d think you’d have it handled just about the time the next phase would ambush you. As much as I’d like to have built a life separate from what I learned on that 27 year journey I’d have to have been some sort of alien to have accomplished that. I suspect some of the impact was positive and I know that much of it was negative but the part I really still hate about it is that I’m not done dealing with it yet. I’ll have to work on/with this “event” at least as long as my parents live and probably longer.

Have you ever dieted? I’m doing it right now. I didn’t eat much as a teenager, more of a control issue than a weight issue. A couple of years ago, having put on a lot of weight since high school, I felt I didn’t recognize myself. I lost about 30 lbs with Weight Watchers. I was maintaining pretty well then had a little gain so I’ve made a pact with a neighbor to work the program again while I get back to where I feel comfortable and she does a relatively major redesign.

Are you happy and/or comfortable with your weight? I am now, yeah, I’m in a place where when I look at a photo I know who’s looking back. There are still things I might like to see change but I’m not uncomfortable about what people see of me now.

Would you describe yourself as someone with “body issues?” If so, when do you remember this starting? What do you attribute it to? Sure. I think you’d be hard pressed to find someone who doesn’t. The issues I have with my body aren’t steering my life, though, so I think it’s OK.

What do you wish your mother had told you about marriage, life, anything…that you didn’t hear from her? My mom has always been pretty open. Most of the time I wish she’d tell me less. I can’t think of anything I wish she’d told me.

What role did your father play in your childhood? I don’t know that I know how to separate that from the next question. He was a pretty hands on dad. As an only child I was brought along on most outings no matter what they were so I hung out with my parents a lot. My dad took me to work with him from the time I was a baby.

What was your relationship like with your father? My photograph is in the Urban Dictionary to serve as definition for “Daddy’s Girl.” It’s a much harder thing to be as a grown up but it’s glorious as a kid.

How do you feel about aging? My people live a long-ass time. On both sides of my family if you don’t make it to 85 you’re clearly a slacker or should have used a crosswalk so I’ve seen a lot of people age over a long period of time. I’m afraid of being really old, of being dependent and unhappy and not being able to let go. I’m unsure of how I stand right now. I look pretty young and, as I said, I’m feeling pretty good about my body but it’s much different than the low maintenance, easily pleased body of just a few years ago. I have a big scar in the center of my forehead from a basal cell carcinoma removal, my feet keep getting bigger, my digestive system can’t decide what to do. I get really frustrated when things go wrong with my body because I’m used to it just going and doing and now it requires 50,000 mile maintenance. I resent having to spend time and money on that sort of thing and I don’t do it well. Plus there’s the whole wish to be partnered, not to mention the yearning for sex, and honestly I don’t know if this body (or this mind) is going to get me that. Wow, that sounds truly shallow but I can’t think of a better way to phrase it.

How do you feel about plastic surgery? I’m scared of surgery, all kinds. I don’t think I would have voluntary surgery. For other people I just worry about the self-perpetuating nature of it.

Did your mother or another caretaker talk to you about sex and what to expect? Oh god yes. My mother. I had the Where Did I Come From books and my mom was all about the talking about it. Some days you couldn’t shut her up.

How was your first sexual experience? Not fantastic. I did it because it seemed like such a big honking deal and I just needed it out of the way so I could deal with the rest of sex. So that first time was fine but not great. The next partner however was fucking amazing and I wouldn’t have had that with him if I hadn’t, you’ll pardon the expression, gotten over the hump with the uncomfortable experience.

Is marriage liberating or inhibiting sexually? I lived with a guy for many years and I found it limiting. I am alternately worried and excited to live with someone else to see if it was the fact of partnership that hindered us or our partnership specifically.

What makes you feel sexy? Someone laughing at my jokes. An intense discussion. A good pair of shoes. Chocolate. Champagne.

Do you have the energy/desire for sex at the end of the day? Some days. Orgasm often makes me sleepy.

What turns you on? A hand on the back of my neck. A deep chuckle or low growl. Kisses, lots of kisses. Erotic stories, photos, video.

What would make your sex life better? Having it include someone else’s participation.

How do you feel about the sexualizing of young women in our society? I think it’s setting them up for failure on so many levels. But then I also think that making a huge deal out of it for them when they might not see it that way can be just as harmful. Right now we’ve reached a point where they’re being sexualized by the media and advertising at the same age that kids dress up for harmless fun. It confuses the issue a thousand fold. I don’t like that girls get pushed toward wearing skimpy clothing and tailoring their bodies to specific ideals but I also think that forbidding them the opportunity to try on different looks and personalities may not counter the sexualization as much as highlight it.

What do you do for a living? I work as an administrative assistant for relatively rich semi-retired people.

Do you enjoy being single? Yeah, there’s a lot to like.

Would you like to get married at some point? No, not really, but I’d like to have a partner of some kind. I’d also like to find a better word than partner.

What are you looking for in a mate? Someone who I work well with. Someone who, when paired with me, can help me feel safe enough to take more chances. Somebody with a sense of humor. Someone who will take out the garbage. I hate to take out the garbage.

Do you feel that if you were married your life would be complete? Aw hell no. As I said above I lived with a guy for 5 years, we were together for 7. It’s possible that during that period I was less complete. While I want to do better than that next time I’m not expecting the mere fact of a partnership to be some miracle cure.

Are you afraid of having children and that changing you/your life? I’m not afraid of it, no. I do think that if I had children it would change my life in huge leaps and bounds.

Would you like children? Why? I don’t have any interest in being pregnant. For one I’m just not on board with using my body that way, it has correlations for me to the plastic surgery question. Secondly there are plenty of kids in the world already who need families. If I were to have kid(s) I’m pretty sure I’d adopt. That being said, if I found myself accidentally pregnant I think I would (good lord what is the PC phrase here? I feel like I’ve just backed into a corner with a lit stick of dynamite) continue the pregnancy. (How’s that?)

Would you like to be child-free? Why? I’m OK with being child-free. There are a lot of kids in my life and plenty of ways in which I could add more (tutoring, mentoring, teaching, spending more time with different friends and their families). I love other people’s kids and I take the role of non-parent adult pretty seriously. I was helped and formed and loved so much by adults in my life who weren’t (aren’t) my parents and I like to think I’m paying that forward.

How do you combat stress? Sometimes I just need a day where nothing is scheduled and nothing has to happen (besides walking the dog & feeding the pets). If I go too long without having a day quietly at home, even when there are things to be accomplished there, I feel myself fraying. I turn inward to recharge, reading in bed, watching TV & movies, and a lot of sleep help me.

Do you get out regularly with friends? Absolutely. I’m lucky to live in a neighborhood with good friends close by. Sometimes we’ll just get together to walk dogs to the park or have a meal or go out for a drink. I also have a group that gets together once a month for brunch. We go to a different place every month, there’s no pressure for people to RSVP or to come every time. We’ve been doing it for something like 5 years now and it’s one of my favorite traditions. I also have a mostly regular standing movie date with a friend/old boss I recently reconnected with. I feel as though I should probably go out more. I live in a big city with lots to do and I think I let a lot of it pass me by but I also know that my temperament (and my wallet) can’t stand being out and “on” all the time. I have 2 things planned for this coming week and I’m already starting to panic a little about being away from home “so much.” I have come so far in an inward direction from the busy twenty-something who left her house at 8am and returned at midnight 6 days a week at minimum.

Are you happy and/or fulfilled with your life? Why? I’m getting there. I work a job that isn’t my calling and it allows me to do things I like to do (eat, own my apartment, feed my pets) and the things I’m called to do (act, write, take photos) but it also sucks a lot of the life out of me and keeps me from doing those things. Or I use it as an excuse to keep from doing those things.

What did you dream of being when you were a child? Writer, actress, princess, secretary. (I’m a secretary now, let’s all just file that in the Careful What You Wish For category, shall we?)

What do you yearn for? Jeez, what don’t I yearn for. Sex, making my living doing what I love, being back on the stage, delicious kisses, a feeling of safety & peace. Did I mention the sex?


Thank you, Kizz


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The Motherscribe Interviews are closed to comments. For more about Kizz, please find her on 117 Hudson.

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The Motherscribe Interview Series: the 22nd interview...

My 22nd interview is with Kate from Washington State. She is 54 years old, married with two children. She works outside the home. She has a blog called Ahead of the Wave.


What does the word feminist mean to you? Has the meaning changed over time? Feminism to me means equal pay for equal work, equal opportunities for men and women, and freedom from domination by men in any aspect of life.

Do you consider yourself a feminist? Yes

Would others consider you a feminist? Likely

If you are a feminist, do you feel comfortable owning that title in your everyday life? Yes, I do.

What was the greatest gift of the women’s movement? Equal pay for equal work although this is still not universal.

Did your mother work outside the home? Yes.

How did that affect you growing up? Mom was a teacher and well respected by students and families. I felt proud of her accomplishments.

What impression did that leave with you about women working outside the home? I felt that women could follow their passions.

Was your mother a homemaker? No.

Did your father respect your mother? Yes.

Did your mother respect your father? Yes.

Who were your earliest female role models other than your mother? Teachers, especially when I left home at age 15 to attend a boarding school in Texas.

What did you dream of being when you were a child? Someone glamorous and rich….(sorry, but it’s true)

Was getting married/partnered a conscious goal or focus early on in your adulthood? No.

Is there an event(s) that affected you in childhood/adolescence that impacted your identity in a positive or negative way? Absolutely. I was a victim of sexual molestation as a teenager and that experience left an indelible mark on my person; a real “before” and “after” event. Keeping this a “secret” for over 30 years and blaming myself is finally coming to an end. A negative can turn into a positive with time and a commitment to truth telling.

Have you ever dieted? Not seriously.

Are you happy and/or comfortable with your weight? Actually, yes.

Would you describe yourself as someone with “body issues?” If so, when do you remember this starting? What do you attribute it to? Very few body issues; some as a teen but less important as I’ve added years to my life.

What do you wish your mother had told you about marriage, life, anything…that you didn’t hear from her? Not really; I probably wouldn’t have listened anyway.

What role did your father play in your childhood? He wasn’t around much; he was busy with work and when not, was taking care of his own need for “down time”. He was supportive but not too involved in day to day living.

What was your relationship like with your father? We’ve become much closer as time has gone by; I always felt loved even when he was “distant”. His love was always there.

How do you feel about aging? I love what it does to my brain (smarter) but I don’t care for what it does to my body (stamina, especially).

How do you feel about plastic surgery? Not interested.

Did your mother or another caretaker talk to you about sex and what to expect? Not as much as I would have liked.

How was your first sexual experience? I can’t remember; it was all “wrong” and I’ve blocked it out.

Is marriage liberating or inhibiting sexually? Neither.

What makes you feel sexy? Hmmmm….not sure.

Do you have the energy/desire for sex at the end of the day? No.

What turns you on? Someone who’s turned on by me.

What would make your sex life better? Turning back the clock 15 years.

How do you feel about the sexualizing of young women in our society? Very sad; it’s a societal problem created by both men and women unfortunately.

What is your work/career? Physician

What are the challenges of being a working mom? The guilt over letting others take care of your children.

If you had a choice to be at home with your children, would you? No. Do you see evidence of “The Mommy Wars” in your everyday life? No. Most of my women friends worked outside the home and most had children. They were like me in most respects.

Was the decision an economic one (e.g., your family requires two incomes)? No.

Do you beat yourself up for not spending enough time with your kids? No. When I wasn’t working I spent almost every moment with them when they were young. They had a lot of Mom (and Dad) time.

Do you feel supported by your partner? Absolutely.

Do you feel supported by other women? Yes.

Do you feel valued in your workplace? Absolutely.

Do you feel valued at home? Not as much as in the workplace.

Do you believe a happy, fulfilled mom is a better mom whether her choice is to work outside the home or to stay at home with her children? Yes, I do.

Can women do it all? I don’t think so; a partner/spouse who is willing to pitch in 50:50 or 70:30 or 20:80 and go with the flow and be sensitive to the needs of the entire family is essential. I was lucky.

How old are your children? 21 and 23 (yeah!)

What do you want to do differently with your children than what you received from your parents? I hope I’ve prepared them better for the unexpected twists in life but I suspect they’ll meet up with challenges that I never had and will therefore be forging ahead without the benefit of preparation. That’s life.

What would you like to carry on that your parents established with you? A respect and love for traditions.

How has having children changed the relationship with your partner? We are closer for having raised these two children. This was our hardest work together and we “did it”.

Do you have dates with your partner? Yes.

Do you have personal “ME” time scheduled every week/every day? Yes.

Has it been challenging to retain a separate sense of self from your role as mother & wife? Not really.

What do you do to facilitate that? Does your partner help make that happen? My career keeps me grounded in a role other than wife/mother and is totally separate. My husband has always respected my need to work outside the home.

How do you combat stress? I talk it out with whoever will listen.

Do you get out regularly with girlfriends? No, but wish I could. Women are a wonderful resource for other women.

Do you help create personal space for your partner? Absolutely. I sometimes muse that he has his physical space in the house and I have mine; we meet up of course but privacy and personal time alone is something we both need and have gifted each other.

Does your partner share in household tasks? Yes. He is the cook. And he cleans too.

How did you think your life would be when you got married? How do you feel now? I never looked beyond about 5 years when I got married; I just couldn’t “see” that far ahead. The first 5 years were pretty much spot on. I then looked at the next 5 and so on. Now I look back on a 30 year marriage and see all the hills and valleys in our relationship, the good times and the awful times. I still can only see about 5 years ahead.

What do you love about being a working mom? If I hadn’t had a career while raising my young ones, I would have gone nuts. I needed the balance of career and motherhood to make sense out of both.

Are you happy and/or fulfilled with your life? Why? I’ll be honest; no I am not happy or fulfilled in my life. Why? Because I still struggle to accept that joy comes from within.

What do you yearn for? Relief from worry, acceptance, and joy.



Thank you, Kate


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The Motherscribe Interviews are closed to comments. For more about Kate, please find her on Ahead of the Wave.

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The Motherscribe Interview Series: the 21st interview...

My 21st interview is with Mary from Minnesota. She is 46 years old, married with 3 children. She works outside the home. She has a blog called Minnesota Matron.


What does the word feminist mean to you? Has the meaning changed over time? A feminist stands and strives for gender equity. This meaning has changed for me. Initially, I would’ve argued that feminism is about gender equality. But a fabulous article by Katherine McKinnon (I think) changed my thinking in this regard. Life experience solidified that shift.

Do you consider yourself a feminist? Yes! I have a PhD in English with a minor in Feminist Studies from what was then the Center for Advanced Feminist Studies at the University of Minnesota. So not only do I consider myself a feminist, I am credentialed.

Would others consider you a feminist? Oh yes.

If you are a feminist, do you feel comfortable owning that title in your everyday life? Absolutely.

What are some images that come to mind when you think of the women’s movement? The image that just popped into my head was a big mob of women with signs in front of the White House. The second image is an African-American girl who grew up to be Secretary of State – or CEO or CFO or accomplished attorney.

What was the greatest gift of the women’s movement? The gender equity scales are much more balanced!

What was the greatest failure of the women’s movement? The women’s movement didn’t revolutionize the culture as much as it allowed women more equity in a male-dominated, defined world. Why couldn’t we have challenged assumptions that structure and fuel (quick and obvious examples) war, work and politics. For example, Hillary Clinton morphed and grooved to fit into a politician as closely related to that of her male counterparts rather than rejecting those standards and creating something new, like, maybe Cher? Imagine that!

Are you happy and/or fulfilled with your life? Why? Aristotle wrote, “If happiness is activity in accordance with excellence, if is reasonable that it should be in accordance with the highest excellence.” This type of happiness is echoed in our constitution: the ability to adequately respond to a calling or vocation makes life meaningful and therefore, makes one happy. I feel like I’m operating with excellence in much of my life – I’m doing my best as a parent, a teacher and a community member. However, I’m not happy or satisfied with my work as a writer. For better or worse, I’ll always feel that I haven’t arrived or that my life doesn’t hold the full value it should, unless I publish a book or become otherwise (wildly) successful. I’ve had writing success in many ways, but the book deal continues to elude me.

Did your mother work outside the home? Yes!

How did that affect you growing up? My mother was left with three children under the age of five when she and my father split. This was in 1967. She was a deeply conservative person, Catholic. Imagine being 26 years old during that culturally transformative time and instead of smoking pot, demonstrating or listening to music, you’re trying to figure out how to survive—with three small children and the conviction that the Pope knows best. Not all youth were groovy or part of the counterculture. She went back to school when I was 9, earned a teaching degree and worked full time after that. Indeed, she often had two jobs: teaching and an evening stint in a liquor store. This is how her days looked one summer: canning factory job, teaching, liquor store.

My mother and I had minimal interpersonal interaction. However, this probably had as much to do with her personality as it did with her work situation. Let me give an example of this.

When I was a young mother, I was diagnosed with two autoimmune disorders and required some help with my children. I called my mother to tell her about the diseases, their treatment and my current needs.

After I finished, she said this:

“I see a black squirrel in the back yard. If I leave peanut butter, they stay. But if I don’t they go away. Did you know that Marlene Sterling moved back to town?”

I grew up in a household in which I presented myself and said: “I am here. I need this.” And my mother replied: “Is there enough ketchup in the fridge?”

Now that I have boatloads of friends who are social workers, doctors, therapists and psychiatrists –who have all met my mother—I have a consensus that my mother has some kind of dissociative disorder. When I was first in therapy at 18, the psychologist told me that my mother suffered from some kind of ‘serious mental illness’ and wasn’t able to participate in family therapy. So it’s hard to sort out the economics, work, and ideology from the mental illness, which shaped so much more.

Back to work, my mother’s employment was never about success, fulfillment or desire. It was about need and the underlying message was that you could never, ever work enough and there was never enough money.

What impression did that leave with you about women working outside the home? Truly, I had no other model. I viewed friends’ mothers who stayed home as mini-miracles, anomalies in a world structured by crisis and worry.

Was your mother a homemaker? Uh, no. Let’s just say that in addition to working her many jobs, my mother did not feel that cleaning, cooking, or caring for her children were part of the daily menu.

How did that affect you growing up? I largely felt neglected and ignored – a stance I noticed and tried very hard to change for a long time.

Did your father respect your mother? Yes.

Did your mother respect your father? No. When he died, she thanked God “the bastard was dead.” In front of me, and I loved him.

Who were your earliest female role models other than your mother? Mrs. Davidson – my fourth grade teacher, who sat me down one day and told me I was smarter than the pack! She refused to accept my math aversion and told me that I needed to be better than the best because I had the gift of the “really fine brain.” Imagine being a fourth-grade girl and hearing this! I loved her! Other than that, I wanted to be Judy in Lost in Space.

Was getting married/partnered a conscious goal or focus early on in your adulthood? No – I was relationship averse.

Is there an event(s) that affected you in childhood/adolescence that impacted your identity in a positive or negative way? Honey, I wrote a book about this so there’s no single paragraph answer. Trust me, there were plenty in both directions but the negative had the larger sway.

Have you ever dieted? At one grim point, I weighed 76 lbs, which also explains the therapist at age 18.

Are you happy and/or comfortable with your weight? Now, yes.

Would you describe yourself as someone with “body issues?” If so, when do you remember this starting? What do you attribute it to? Okay, I wrote a novel based on my childhood and a dissertation on my eating disorder. The dissertation is called The Anorexic’s Story and it tells my story and the larger culture’s. It’s a fine piece of writing that I’ve toyed with trying to publish. In sum? I think the category ‘anorexia’ lets us off the hook. When we draw the general psychological/social attention to one group of women as ‘disordered’ that somehow implies that everyone else is ‘normal.’ Indeed, I think that the majority of women have a turbulent, or at least complex, relationship with their bodies –and therefore, with food.

How do you feel about the sexualizing of young women in our society? Horrific.

What do you wish your mother had told you about marriage, life, anything…that you didn’t hear from her? Oh my. Let me just share how my mother handled talking about sex and I think this will sum it up. When I was 9 or 10, my mother saw that I was reading Are You There God, It’s Me, Margaret. Her response was to hand me Gone with the Wind. She said: “Read this. It will tell you everything you need to know about sex.”

And that was that.

What role did your father play in your childhood? Even though I only actually saw him 4 or 5 times from age 5 to 18, his presence in my life was huge. Our family operated around various narratives of doom and his influence –genetically or theoretically – was all pervasive and formative. Evil Incarnate, in this form, was a danger we were constantly fighting, within ourselves and with the possibility that he might show up again.

What was your relationship like with your father? As an adult, I forged a loving and steadfast relationship with him. He turned out to be deeply flawed but also kind, giving and generous.

How do you feel about aging? I have yet to find my silver lining. I keep looking at my peers and thinking: “OMIGOD they look so OLD.” Really. I feel great and people tell me I look great. But I see aging as the march toward death. Remember the child who grew up waiting for the other boot to fall? For disaster? She’s the one facing aging and death.

How do you feel about plastic surgery? Neutral. I think a little eye tuck here or liposuction there isn’t a mortal offense. The plasticized, pulled faces are ridiculous.

Did your mother or another caretaker talk to you about sex and what to expect? Not once.

How was your first sexual experience? Perfect! I had a kind, loving and patient boyfriend. I was a freshman in college and he was a senior. I wasn’t ready for most of the entire academic year, but felt I was near the end. That young man exercised minimal, if any, pressure and sent me two dozen roses the day after the slow, thoughtful and sober occasion.

Is marriage liberating or inhibiting sexually? I’d say neutral. We have a very satisfying, if pedestrian, sex life: every few days, a little loving. Usually nothing new.

What makes you feel sexy? Feeling good about my body, feeling love toward my husband, feeling on top of my game, generally.

Do you have the energy/desire for sex at the end of the day? Not as often as I have sex. Some days are a gift for the guy.

What turns you on? A clean house that he cleaned!

What would make your sex life better? More mopped floors and folded laundry.


What do you love about being a working mom? Thinking! I get paid to read and write, to use my brain. I adore this part of my life. Remember that ‘are you happy’ question that started the interview? Working makes me happier—more fulfilled in the sense of vocation and intellect – than parenting.

What are the challenges of being a working mom? Keeping up with the cleaning, the extended family, the children – there are too many demands on me.

If you had a choice to be at home with your children, would you? It’s hard to say. I’m largely home with them now and getting a decent paycheck, so the trade off isn’t so clear.

Was the decision an economic one (e.g., your family requires two incomes)? Yes.

Do you beat yourself up for not spending enough time with your kids? No. I work largely from home so I’m with them plenty. The harder part is squeezing in the full-time tenure track job.

Do you feel supported by your partner? Oh yes!

Do you feel supported by other women? Yes.

Do you feel valued in your workplace? Yes.

Do you feel valued at home? Yes. If I wasn’t feeling pressed for time, I’d answer the stay at home mother questions too. In sum, having a job is more fulfilling for me but it’s harder. It’s easier to stay at home. Yes, the work is more tedious, but there is no question that life – on a day to day, task to task basis—is much harder for me now that I’m working full time. This is my first year back, full-time, and it’s entirely because of the economy. Oddly, I wish I had worked more earlier because I enjoy it so much, but the working mother life is still harder. There’s less of me to give, especially to myself.

Do you believe a happy, fulfilled mom is a better mom whether her choice is to work outside the home or to stay at home with her children? Yes!

Can women do it all? Kevin Bacon has two children, a band, and an acting career. Why can’t we all have families and professional success? Hilary Clinton seems pretty happy these days. It might take a superior person to ‘do it all,’ but I think it’s possible.

How old are your children? 12, 10 and 6

What do you want to do differently with your children than what you received from your parents? Listen, listen, listen. Oh my. My six year old is sitting on a chair waiting for me to notice him as I type. .. .the ironies abound!

What would you like to carry on that your parents established with you? A left-leaning political sensibility.

How has having children changed the relationship with your partner? It’s a lot more about leading the team than pleasing the lover. John and I frequently refer to ourselves as The Team.

Do you have dates with your partner? Yes!

Do you have personal “ME” time scheduled every week/every day? Well, I run four miles every morning and if anyone asks if I’m interested in a running partner, I pretty much start throwing punches. No! Alone!

How do you combat stress? See answer directly above. Toss in yoga, books, and wine.

Do you get out regularly with girlfriends? Yes. I love women.

Has it been challenging to retain a separate sense of self from your role as mother & wife? No. I’ve run political campaigns and headed large environmental movements before working full-time. I’ve always had a sense of myself as an agent, a presence in the world.

What do you do to facilitate that? Does your partner help make that happen? John thinks I’m amazing and tells me that nearly every single day! He has bigger dreams for me than I do.

Do you help create personal space for your partner? Yes!

Does your partner share in household tasks? Yes! As I type, he’s ending a 2.5 hour stint of cooking, eating and cleaning in the kitchen. Our cleaning division isn’t equal, but he does as much as he notices and then asks for lists. Can’t beat that. He also puts our youngest to bed every single night – for the past three years.

How did you think your life would be when you got married? How do you feel now? I think that because I can’t ever remember seeing a marriage from the inside as a child, I had no real vision of married life. So I had no expectations other than that relationship and world I created with John during the four years we lived together before getting married.

Do you see evidence of “The Mommy Wars” in your everyday life? Sort of. There’s no outright antagonism or hostility, but I will admit that I am sometimes jealous of my friends who don’t have to work. One friend in particular is constantly giving small gifts, remembering other people’s special occasions, hitting all the right notes. One working mama said about her: “SO and So is SO kind!” And I’m like – if I had that much time and money at my disposal, I’d be that kind too. So would we all. But I don’t begrudge her that life of greater ease, just wish I had some more wiggle room of my own. And I know that I’m probably letting her down now that I’m unavailable for the phone conversations and lunches that formerly sustained our friendship.

What did you dream of being when you were a child? A writer, reporter or attorney.

What do you yearn for? Readers – I write for readers, not myself, whether that’s in the two unsold novels (agent nearly did it, but then it all crumpled), the blog or other gigs. I adore adulation and response. Hmmmm. . . . let’s put on that Freudian cap, shall we? Remember that childhood in which I felt largely ignored and neglected? Of course I want someone to notice me! Sigh. Still chugging neurotic after all these years.


Thank you, Mary


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The Motherscribe Interviews are closed to comments. For more about Mary, please find her on Minnesota Matron.

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The Motherscribe Interview Series: the 20th interview...

My 20th interview is with Julia who lives in Illinois. She is 37 years old, married, with 3 children. She is a stay-at-home mom and has a blog called Midwest Moms.


What does the word feminist mean to you? Has the meaning changed over time? I grew up in the seventies and eighties, so I was surrounded with images of strong women in the media. Later, when I was in my early teens, women were more prominent in business and politics. So, I was raised with a background assumption that I could be or do anything. I guess that’s how I defined feminism.

As I grew into full womanhood, though, I have come to understand that nothing comes without trade-offs or sacrifice. The media myth of ‘having it all’ or ‘being anything’ didn’t hold in reality. So right now, feminism means freedom to make my own choices about my path, not necessarily being a woman who “has it all.”

Do you consider yourself a feminist? I consider myself a strong woman who makes her own choices.

Would others consider you a feminist? I’m not sure whether they would or not. That’s really not my first concern.

If you are a feminist, do you feel comfortable owning that title in your everyday life? As long as it is realistically defined, I do.

What are some images that come to mind when you think of the women’s movement? I think of movie actresses of the 30s and 40s smartly dressed in menswear. I think of images of feminine strength of my childhood, like Martina Navratilova or (believe it or not) Margaret Thatcher. Somewhere in the back of my memory there are the history lesson images of suffragettes and Cady-Stanton, but I was always more impressed with real life amazing women doing amazing things. Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O’Connor is a good example of what I’m talking about.

What was the greatest gift of the women’s movement? Expansion of the life choices available for women and recognition of their ability to make them.

What was the greatest failure of the women’s movement? Propagation of the false idea that increasing options obligate all women to reach for all things. Devaluation, intentional or unintentional, of the work of the home & family.

Who were your earliest female role models other than your mother? Teachers, I would say. I also looked up to female athletes a great deal.

Was getting married/partnered a conscious goal or focus early on in your adulthood? Although I wouldn’t have admitted it at the time, it probably was. I always knew I wanted to be married and have children; I felt called to it.

Did your mother work outside the home? She did not; she was a registered nurse before she had children and briefly went back to work after her first was born. But after her second child was born, she decided to stay home. She had six of us in all. When she was done bearing children, she started an in-home daycare to bring money in. I guess that made her an original WAHM.

How did that affect you growing up? I remember recognizing that she was working to help our family finances. Still, I periodically resented that she took care of other people’s children when I really needed my own bond with her. Now that I’m a mother, I understand the fine line she walked and know that she did her best.

Did your father respect your mother? He did.

Did your mother respect your father? Unquestionably.

What do you wish your mother had told you about marriage, life, anything…that you didn’t hear from her? That it is okay not to have the answers or to feel overwhelmed. She always stressed communication but didn’t really speak from her own experience. There have been many times when I’ve craved a more real exchange with her.

What role did your father play in your childhood? What was your relationship like with your father? He worked hard to support us. He was a coach for my oldest brother and sister, but not for me. I always identified with my Dad and had a much healthier, full relationship with him than with my mother. We shared a love of sports, so that was one area where it was easy to communicate. But there were others. He and I were so temperamentally alike that I really felt he understood me. I have always been grateful for his ability to listen without trying to “solve” me.

How do you feel about aging? I’m getting used to it. It’s tough sometimes to realize that there are some things I won’t be able to do the same way or that my looks will change. But I am happy with the path that has brought me to this particular place, right now. I would not change that path for anything.

How do you feel about plastic surgery? Great for burn victims; a stupid risk if one is motivated by vanity.

Have you ever dieted? Yes

Are you happy and/or comfortable with your weight? On and off. As I have had children and as I age, my body is changing. It takes some adjustment to get used to that.

Would you describe yourself as someone with “body issues?” If so, when do you remember this starting? What do you attribute it to? I would say I had body issues for a while after I entered college. It was the first time I was fully in charge of my own decision-making on many fronts. Looking back, I would say that my upbringing had not fully prepared me for the responsibility of that. My insecurity regarding life choices was manifested in a changed body image.

How do you feel about the sexualizing of young women in our society? I think it’s shameful and disturbing. There is no more appreciation of innocent beauty anymore. It makes me feel like we’ve lost something as a society, and I wonder how it will affect my daughter’s own self-image.

Did your mother or another caretaker talk to you about sex and what to expect? My mother did. She was a nurse, so everything was handled clinically. The first time I asked a question that wasn’t anatomical and was met with shock, I stopped asking questions.

How was your first sexual experience? Desperate fumbling and a little fear. Like jumping off a cliff.

Is marriage liberating or inhibiting sexually? Liberating.

What makes you feel sexy? Looking pretty, getting myself cleaned up and beautiful before I go out with my husband. Seeing in his eyes that he thinks I’m beautiful.

What turns you on? Truly? When my husband pitches in to help with the children. But also when we have an unexpected quiet moment together. It feels like we’re getting away with something, and that’s a thrill.

Do you have the energy/desire for sex at the end of the day? I do, but making time for it in the afternoon or morning is great, too. When you’re a mom, you’ve got to be an opportunist.

Why did you decide to be a stay-at-home mom? When my husband and I married, we wanted one parent to be the full time caregiver for the children, so we made plans accordingly. We drove older cars and bought a smaller home, we did without so that we would be able to live on a single income. When my first was born, my bond with him was instantaneous. I knew I wanted to be the one to raise him.

Do you consider it a job? Do you feel that you are valued? That is a tough question. On the one hand, I know it is. On the other, I am conscious of the fact that I don’t earn a paycheck – that I am dependent on my spouse’s earnings. That undercuts some of the value that is intrinsic to what I do. But in our home, I know my raising the children is valued. I am giving them the best start in life, and that feels good.

Do you feel supported by your partner? I do.

Do you feel supported by other women? I do.

What do you love about being a SAHM? That my children want to talk to me about every aspect of their life, the victories and the challenges. I love adoring them and teaching them and seeing them grow.

Is there a dark side of being a SAHM? I think every at-home mother has highs and lows, but having worked for many years before marrying and having children, I can say that’s no different than any profession. The only reason slumps in motherhood would even be labeled “dark” is that there can be an unrealistic expectation that life for a SAHM should resemble a 1950’s sitcom. Every Mom is a human being, and every family has good times and struggles. So Moms should know that frustration and anger and sadness are just part of living. Hopefully, laughter and joy and learning and forgiveness are, too.

What was your career before you had children? I was an historian and then went into non-profit work.

Has it been hard to let go of that identity? Or you still identify with that role? I do identify with it, because my career path was a reflection of my desire to make a difference in causes I care about. I still work as a development volunteer for important causes – it’s a great way to keep my skills and professional network fresh for the time when I’m no longer raising my children.

If you had a choice to return to work, would you? No one can do what I am doing for my children right now. But, I know that someday I will go back to work. I look forward to that day, but I’m not impatient for it. As my children age, their need for guidance won’t diminish. I want to be a ready resource for them and a friend to them as they enter teenage. So, maybe I will work part-time outside the home, but motherhood is my calling.

Do you believe a happy, fulfilled mom is a better mom whether her choice is to work outside the home or to stay at home with her children? Absolutely. The important word in that question is “choice”. It must be each individual Mom’s choice.

Can women do it all? I honestly don’t believe any human being can “have it all”. We have to set priorities or we’ll lose our minds and never feel satisfied. There just aren’t enough hours in the day or enough resources of personal, spiritual energy for a human being to be the best at all things. Life doesn’t work that way.

How old are your children? I have two boys, ages 6 and 8, and a little girl, age 3.

What do you want to do differently with your children than what you received from your parents? I was raised in a regimented, orderly home. Virtually all decisions were made for me, so I had trouble moving from childhood into adulthood. It was a painful transition. With my own children, I try to empower them to make their own decisions, to think things through, and to be resilient when all doesn’t proceed according to plan. I’m trying to give them skills I wasn’t taught.

What would you like to carry on that your parents established with you? Our faith life, connection to and understanding of our connection to the divine. A strong bond of trust, love, and honesty between family members. A strong sense of inner worth, a good moral compass.

Do you have dates with your partner? Yes. We go out about once a month.

Do you have personal “ME” time scheduled every week/every day? Yes. I take time out of every day for quiet. It might be my writing time or time in my garden. It keeps me whole.

How do you combat stress? I talk about things that are bothering me, instead of holding them inside. I get proper rest and try to make healthy choices. I find ways to laugh. Laughter is the best stress-fighter there is. I also get involved in causes I care about outside our home. Sometimes that can renew my perspective.

Do you get out regularly with girlfriends? I used to, but not so much in the past year. I have a core group of women who read my blog, and whose blogs I read, that have become like friends I “talk” to every day.

Do you help create personal space for your partner? I do. We are both athletic and I encourage him to stay involved in his sports. That is his time for renewal.

Does your partner share in household tasks? We are fixing up a 90-year-old house, so he has a lot on his plate. He helps where he can, but I like to think helping to shoulder each other’s burdens is more important than who unloads the dishwasher.

How did you think your life would be when you got married? How do you feel now? Honestly, I had no idea. But I like where we are as a family – where I am as a Mom.

Are you happy and/or fulfilled with your life? Why? In general, I would say that I am. Of course, there are always specific areas of life I would like to change or improve. But I’m happy about the path that has brought me to this place.

How has having children changed the relationship with your partner? It has opened our hearts to more love than we ever thought possible. It has softened our rough edges and made us truly rely on one another. It has helped us to laugh more – every day.

Do you see evidence of “The Mommy Wars” in your everyday life? Not so much. I teach my children not to compare themselves to others, not to judge their own worth by someone else’s yardstick. It’s an easy lesson to teach because I live it. I don’t allow other mother’s choices to make me question my own. By the same token, I try to react to other mothers’ struggles with compassion and understanding. On my blog, I have written about the Sisterhood of Moms, about my sense that we’re all team-mates in one of life’s grandest adventures. I never knew that having children would bring me into a club like this one. But it has. Being a mom has changed me and made me a better person, and there are a whole bunch of women who have helped to guide me along my road. The least I can do is be that guidepost for the next Mom.

Has it been challenging to retain a separate sense of self from your role as mother & wife? At first, it was. But as I have grown into Motherhood more, I have started to understand that keeping myself whole helps me to do the job of mothering better. There is something liberating about putting a bad day or a childhood phase in perspective, reminding myself that failing at something one day doesn’t make me a failure. I’m just a human being.



Thank you, Julia


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The Motherscribe Interviews are closed for comments. If you'd like to learn more about Julia, please find her on Midwest Moms.

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