This week my son was a spool of thread ...unraveling

Some days I wish I wrote about food. Splitting open a crisp red tomato, its lushness spilling across the cutting board. Chopping cucumbers in neat, concise, perfect circles. Crumbling blue cheese over pasta al dente. These...all offered up with a smile and a bon appetit.

Instead my son slips from my grasp like loose spaghetti, and I keep trying to pick up the noodles with my toes. Forgetting that I can still use my fingers.

Please don't slip away, BOY! This is what my fear cries. Because he is still here. Of course he is. But, there is an undercurrent now of crisis, and my heart beats to a discordant rhythm. This week my son was a spool of thread ...unraveling.

He...couldn't focus, up and down, disruptive, noise outbursts, inappropriate...

And I've been there to see it. It is like stepping on tacks without flinching.

Yet today after school there was a calm. A focus. He has a mission. Before his snack he must complete his Reflection form that came home. Because he gave his teacher a pinky promise. He dashed for a pencil and put the words down. One right after another. It was a little flag of HOPE. Waving. I'll be O.K., Mommy. I will.

Tonight he plays Monopoly with my husband and GIRL. Pink cheeked, her eyes shine on her brother. All of them huddled together over their money and property. Hoots and drama.

My BOY is dressed in Scooby Doo pjs and a winter cap with dangling tassles. He is my son and he is precious.

We will wend our way through this new phase. We always do. And it will be alright. But, like cutting into an onion, it is multi layered and brings tears...

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Sometimes, it is exhausting to have a child who has more than the usual challenges...

This last week has been challenging for me emotionally. I feel drained and spent, and have avoided writing. So, I've been immersing myself in books, with a little chocolate thrown in, content to live in someone else's story for a while.

We had BOY's annual IEP last Tuesday, and although we see much growth in him, he continues to struggle in school. Socially he is, and always has, done well. It is the impulse control, (keeping his body to himself), and staying on task without being distracted that are the biggest hurdles.

He has so many strengths. He has been reading for a while, and he gets to read to his peers in school. His creativity and ability to think outside the box are surely gifts.

Yet, often he is unable to produce any work without 1 on 1 support. He is capable of doing the work. An important distinction. But, he struggles to do any kind of work on his own.

At home we battle with the same issues.

I do think that the school IS the right fit for now. And that is huge. The teachers are amazing, and truly care for BOY. We love the community of parents, and BOY is happy there. But, whether it will ultimately be the right fit, or whether he will eventually need a school with more support for learning difficulties, is still on the table.

What I was hoping he would grow out of continues to persist, and it feels as if I am in mourning. I am trying to accept it. Because I know we have a tough road ahead. I will be up for it. I will. He is my son, and I love him beyond measure. But... Sometimes, it is exhausting to have a child who has more than the usual challenges...

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