The rhythm of my days are stretched taut like an overwrought violin. I have bitten off more than I can chew this time. The moments of calm within the cacophony of "Must Do's" are scarce, but tantalizing. Sometimes I don't recognize myself cloaked in stress overdrive. When the world stops spinning -by snuffling my nose into my 7 year old daughter's round cheek of bliss, or, threading my fingers through my son's golden hair, I am reminded to breathe - and to be here, in the here and now. These two, these sweet children deserve better than my frazzled mom-who-is-trying-to-do-too-much can deliver.
What is it about me that finds life such a struggle?
This time will pass and my children will no longer be 7 and 8. Their limbs lengthening, their longing for mommy will move on to other longings. To have space and carved out time for themselves. The days of lullabies and good-night kisses, full body hugs and tickles...will be replaced by other, more evolving needs.
So, here I sit -not as a task of self-flagellation, for I can do that. But, to recognize that it is the here and now that is calling to me. Work is work. But, life is LIFE. In all it's splendid glory, screeching tantrums to inescapable snuggles. Secrets held until lights out and slipped into the darkness like little gems. Mommy, remember when.... Mommy, one more song.... Mama, can we play together tomorrow...
There are tomorrows and then there are...tomorrows. It is important to grab them, hold them tight, but with a looseness that bodes joy and delight for all...
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Be strong. You can do it.
ReplyDeleteI adore you and we need to meet again soon. To be in the moment and laugh. But your kids come before crazy Me!
ReplyDeleteThanks for this reminder. You are so, so right.
ReplyDeleteIn the moment--it's the place to be!
ReplyDeleteGlad I'm not the only one who feels the struggle. I have my light days and my heavy days and no, this is not a feminine hygiene commercial. Always a breath away from overwhelm. I agree, the answer is to focus on the sweetness of now. My kids are teens so I am everyday aware they won't be needing me this much for too much longer. Trying to focus more on the together moments and less on all that shit I can't seem to get done.
ReplyDeleteBeautiful writing, by the way.
ReplyDeleteI'm just reading this post, Jennifer, and it is so poetic, so achingly evocative, and one we mothers can all relate to. Just today I was in my soon-to-be 20 year old son's empty bedroom, preparing for his return for summer break, and I looked around at the things on the shelves - his first Teddy, his bottle of quarters, his skateboard pictures of 12, his sailboat model from a long ago trip - and just about burst into tears. How on effing earth had we gotten to the point that this was his NOSTALGIA, not his life, and that little boy who once couldn't get enough of me was now tall and capable and filled with "other longings" as you so aptly describe? We got there by living our lives in the time that never stops.
ReplyDeleteOnly thing we can do is acknowledge the emotions and move along, because life keeps moving along regardless. You ARE finding the balance, whether you feel that way every day or not. You will look back and be so happy you did, I promise.
Beautiful piece.
This is painfully lovely, Jennifer. It's so hard to treasure the present when it overwhelms you with its demands.
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