To My Darling BOY & GIRL,
If there is one thing that I could leave with you, it is this... I treasure you beyond all reasoning. Beyond anything that I could have ever imagined. You teach me so much every day. How to be a better listener, how to play in the moment, how to look at the world in a variety of colors. And how to truly love. It is with you that I feel I am growing fastest.
Someday, when and if you choose to read my writings, there is something that I wish you to know. When I write of feeling empty, and challenged, and beleaguered, and appear self-involved? I am. Yes, I have been all of those things. But, these feelings have nothing to do with you. It is my personal journey. My own spiritual growth that is at stake in my moments of dissatisfaction and darkness. And, they are only moments. This existed before you, and I suspect I will fight it all my life.
It is not all bad, this personal quest for balance, grace and authenticity. I feel that not only being a better mother for you, but a better human being, is a gift that I can proudly give you. I hope so.
One rarely speaks of the darkness of motherhood. As if the acknowledgement betrays The Mother Race. So, I will continue to speak of it, writing down the words that are difficult to utter. But, I am very clear that I will not offer you up as sacrificial lambs here, thrown under the keyboard for that "must tell" story.
Someday, when and if you choose to read my writings, there is something that I wish you to know. When I write of feeling empty, and challenged, and beleaguered, and appear self-involved? I am. Yes, I have been all of those things. But, these feelings have nothing to do with you. It is my personal journey. My own spiritual growth that is at stake in my moments of dissatisfaction and darkness. And, they are only moments. This existed before you, and I suspect I will fight it all my life.
It is not all bad, this personal quest for balance, grace and authenticity. I feel that not only being a better mother for you, but a better human being, is a gift that I can proudly give you. I hope so.
One rarely speaks of the darkness of motherhood. As if the acknowledgement betrays The Mother Race. So, I will continue to speak of it, writing down the words that are difficult to utter. But, I am very clear that I will not offer you up as sacrificial lambs here, thrown under the keyboard for that "must tell" story.
You are my forever little Chugga Chugga Choo Choo BOY, and my Little Girly Snooks. Forever my delicious pumpernickels....
Your adoring....Mommy
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In this world, people accommodate each other, touched each other, the world would be a better place.
ReplyDeleteHealth is the Greatest Happiness
The World at The Present
If we never spent time in the dark we wouldn't know how precious the light is.
ReplyDeleteI honestly don't think the feeling of "is this all there is" is something only women or mothers feel. I think men feel it too. They just don't express it.
ReplyDeleteYour kids will know how much you love them when they read these posts. It shines through even in the dark posts.
You will be giving them a gift by letting them know that if/when they have these feelings they are okay.
ReplyDeleteI'm beginning to think those feelings of yearning and searching are just part of the human condition . . .
ReplyDeleteIt's such a dichotomy to want to be a better mother because you feel unworthy of these perfect creatures that are yours.
ReplyDeleteThat was lovely.
This is so perfect that I can't possibly add anything of value here, all I can do is say thanks for putting it into words.
ReplyDeletepumpernickles?
ReplyDeletewhat a lovely lovely image!
You know they will read your writings one day, hungrily. You are lovely mother.
ReplyDeleteI wish my students' moms had given them such love, insight, and permission to feel dark yet safe.
ReplyDeleteLovely.
this is so lovely :)
ReplyDeleteThis post is wonderful. I also love your interview series. I know I have said this before, but I really do admire the quality of your blog!
ReplyDeleteExcellent. Acknowledging the reality that all is not lollipops and sunbeams, but treasuring your children.
ReplyDeleteI like you.
Can I just copy this one over to my kids, changing the nicknames of course? It's perfect.
ReplyDelete