Wednesday, July 27, 2011

JCK gets Jiggy with the DMV

When JCK awoke yesterday to another crystal clear blue sky, the first thing she thought was...What a perfect day to go to the DMV! She was more excited than a High School Pep Rally. She bounced out of bed, showered and even put make-up on. Wow, who is this dark eyed woman? She did a little dance in the mirror, happy to get Jiggy With It before heading over to the DMV.

Just a few days past, JCK had suddenly discovered that her driver's license was missing. She had searched high and low, low and high, and high again. No luck. She then spent a couple of fruitful hours madly tweeting essential news bulletins, and wishing that Sawyer would arrive on her doorstep so he could swear for her. JCK believes there is nothing as good as watching Sawyer say SON of a BITCH.

Then one of those amazing things happened! JCK knows that you will never guess. That very afternoon, JCK received a very personal letter from the DMV - a birthday card! The letter invited her to come to the DMV for her very own birthday delight! A renewal license needed to be done in person. JCK thought...why not? She loved her last visit to the DMV. She was sure it hadn't changed in 8 years. So, she made her appointment! All of this was meant to be. It appeared to be a message from GOD.

In her rush to get there, JCK was running a little late in her camp drop-off routine. She walked her children through the camp gates, topped their heads with kisses, hugged them and then flew back to her minivan. Kind of like Wonder Woman, but without the bountiful boobs and cape.

As JCK raced through the neighborhoods, careful to avoid pets and children, she marveled at the luck of hitting almost every green light. She winked at herself in the rear view mirror. Life was good. Damn good. And, what a treat to get to spend her morning meeting new people at the DMV.

The entrance to the Pasadena DMV appeared unencumbered. Just as she pulled into the small parking lot, a wonderful citizen screaming epithets screeched out of a parking space. JCK waved to the fuming, fun loving man, and took his vacated spot. This was a very good sign!

Once inside the building, JCK only had to ask 3 different people where to find the line for people with appointments. Everyone seemed to know where to direct her. So, she took a lovely detour here and there, finally landing in a short line. There was a panoply of aromas. Coffee, perfume, eau du perspiration - a.k.a, that darling skunk Pepe le Pew. JCK was overwhelmed with affection for her fellow man.

And, then! She was next! She walked up to the window in her comfortable flats, nodding at people who were looking at her warmly from the line labeled "No Appointments." JCK spoke through the bullet proof glass to the DMV employee. And, the lady spoke to her. Everything the lady said sounded so musical and clear...blah, blah, blah, the lady said. JCK smiled and asked her to repeat herself. BLAH, BLAH, BLAH. JCK liked the lady's voice sooooo...much, that she asked her if she could repeat it one more time, and JCK tried to stick her ear in the letter slot to ensure better listening pleasure. Eureka! JCK was given instructions to fill out her form and go wait for her number to be called!

JCK went to a counter and fumbled in her purse for a pen. She took her time filling out the form, as the DMV was such a big, happy party that she just knew there would be plenty of time before they called her number. JCK filled in all the blanks, pausing over "hair color." She knew in her gut that she should put Silver or White. Who in their right mind would use the word, Gray? Soooo pedestrian. Yet, JCK remembered that the DMV might not be right brained thinkers, so she wrote GRAY. And, wiped a couple of tears off of her dewy cheeks. Upper, not lower.

JCK then went and asked two different people where the line was for waiting for your number to be called. She was redirected back to where the first person had told her NO. JCK sat down next to the stylish woman, and thought it was only right to tell her that she had been WRONG to direct JCK adrift. Pffft! JCK doesn't hold grudges.

JCK then looked up at the screen where a large sign said "LISTEN FOR YOUR NUMBER TO BE CALLED!!!!" JCK always appreciates exclaiming with exclamation marks!!! After a few minutes JCK noticed that there was no audio, and that this was a visual screen. You had to use your eyes only. Who knew! What a helpful sign. JCK then saw that the numbers were strangely higher than hers! So, she waited patiently for another five minutes, and then decided that she should interrupt someone else at window #12 to ask if her number had been passed.

The man at window #12 had a booming voice, so it was very easy for JCK to hear...YOUR NUMBER HAS BEEN CALLED, MA'AM. YOU NEED TO GO TO WINDOW #16. Oh, what lovely news! JCK then proceeded to Window #16, and was told she would have to wait. Then, the lady at the Appointments Only window waved JCK over. She recognized her! Her, JCK! From just 20 minutes previous. JCK felt special.

JCK was told to wait at the window and the woman vanished for a few minutes. Then she reappeared and told JCK to go to Window #10. JCK hated to bother this nice lady, but had to ask where Window #10 was. It was on the same side of the building! What luck. JCK then went to Window #10. The woman was talking to a man with her words and hands. And, she wasn't saying BLAH, BLAH, BLAH. She was using actual words.

Then it was JCK's turn. JCK thrust her paperwork through the slot, paid her $31 and was told her license would be mailed in 3 weeks. But, JCK mustn't, mustn't, leave without getting her photo taken. After all , getting your picture taken is all the fun! So, JCK was directed to the photo line.

JCK had no problems finding the photo line. It was easy to spot, and extended outside the building. JCK noticed the lack of signage. Perhaps they had forgotten to post it? This is the photo line. It is for people who have all the time in the world. JCK wasn't worried. What better things could she be doing with her time? Her children were at camp, and she DID have all the time in the world.

While standing in line, JCK realized she had a birds-eye view of the latest fashions. Why look over there! A woman with purple spandex tights with glitter. Under a green dress. And, there! A woman with black lace stockings and a white t-shirt. JCK marveled at the boldness of color, the attention to detail. But, JCK didn't want to be rude and STARE.

It occurred to JCK that her brother, who is single, had obviously been meeting women in the wrong places. Why, what better place to meet single women than the DMV. A virtual dating mecca. JCK texted her brother. He was busy on vacation in Florida. On some island, with sugar white beaches and water the color of aqua. Boring. JCK told him what he was missing. He appeared sad.

Suddenly JCK was almost at the photo booth. The time had zoomed by, because she was having so much fun! She noticed a man staring at her. At her, JCK! This man had warm, angry eyes. They seemed to enter JCK's body like bullets. She knew she looked good in her Target T-shirt, but really...didn't he notice the girl in front of her - with tattoos that said Delicious. Apparently, not. Admittedly, sometimes JCK's silver locks make men want to kill. Just ask JCK's husband.

And then she was there! The final destination. JCK was charmed by the woman just ahead of her getting her photo taken. Blushing, like a school girl. She looked like a coed from Bryn Mawr. Ah...youth. Finally it was JCK's turn. She handed her paper marked PHOTO ONLY to the happy man behind the PHOTO window. He was a jolly little elf. He told JCK to smile pretty. JCK gave her cheeks, (above, not below), a quick pinch for color and smiled BIG. The man said, OH, it's a GOOD one. JCK smiled demurely. The man winked. At, JCK!

JCK put on her sunglasses and walked out into the parking lot. Her heart heavy, she realized she would not be back for 8 more years. She tried valiantly to hold it together, stumbling through the oil soaked concrete in her flip flops to her car. Fumbling for her keys, she waved to the man patiently waiting in his car for her spot. He blasted his horn. He was ready to PAARTY at the DMV. How could JCK be so selfish? She pulled out, dabbing Kleenex on tear stained cheeks, (upper, not lower), giving up her precious parking space. The adventure was over, and she'd have to live with it. Her life would never be the same...

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  1. This is beyond brilliant! And to think, I get to go to the DMV every four years!! I never knew how lucky I was.

  2. Imagine the story you could have told if you'd gone to the DMV on the day of a statewide computer crash--alas, that is MY story to tell.

  3. Hmm... the DMV and Walmart seem to have a lot in common? They really should serve alcohol at the DMV... or put pictures of Sawyer on the wall for us to stare at while we wait.

  4. Oh and I just love the sonofabitch vid. Perfect!

  5. And to think I was happy to have dodged a visit to the DMV by finding *my* lost license. Shoot. If I'd only known what was waiting for me. Guess I'll have to wait now til my license actually expires in a year and a half. *sigh* GrEAT story. Stick to it!


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