You get beat up and you get chased by girls

I love the conversations I have with my son when I am tucking him in at night. It is a struggle to get to the tucking in part...to get him to stop building Legos, or stop reading, and head to bed. Then, of course, there is that last bathroom stop and..brushing of teeth. BOY manages to drag this out for another 5-10 minutes. Finally, he makes it to his room and flings himself upon the top bunk, and shares what is on his mind - in that moment.



BOY: OOOF!..It's tough being a boy.

JCK: Why is it tough being a boy?

BOY: You get beat up and you get chased by girls.

JCK: Wow, that does sound tough.

BOY: It is...the girls run after me and try to kiss...

JCK: What? They aren't supposed to be doing that.

BOY: Well, they run after me and hug me and squeeze me.

JCK: Who are these girls? What grade are they in?

BOY: Mom, I don't stick around to ask. I'm running for my life!

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Seeing his gifts

I watched him today
the Boy whose teacher said
had not made any progress
since September.

The Boy who found a friend
within seconds of
his socked feet hitting
the indoor playground.

The two becoming
engineers, innovative builders
with clear tubes, velcro
and a rolling ball.

The Boy asked questions
of the other one,
listening, head tilted up
lying on his stomach.

Climbing, bouncing
running, sliding
huddled intently
tuned in, present.

I watched him today
seeing his gifts
and knowing ...
that I will fight for them.

JCK

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Joy is plentiful atop the hill where sticks are swords...

Today a vision. BOY on a playdate with one of his best friends at a local park...

They run toward each other as if in slow motion...at the last second stopping short with a shuffling of feet, looking sideways with shy grins to see what the other does. Then they are off! Flying feet and wide open smiles rocketing to the playground. An hour of games with climbing towers and being Power Rangers. Then rounded up by moms and herded with smaller sisters to a spot under canopied trees, cradled by large boulders for a picnic lunch. Mothers and daughters focus on eating, boys up and down- quick bites for fuel. Chasing squirrels and the elusive sunshine on a cool day. Joy is plentiful atop the hill where sticks are swords, cheeks are flushed and the world is theirs. A dirt mound, a volcano... with hot lava and imagined perils. A few tumbles and falls, occasional hurt feelings, but most of all love. As only little boys can. On a hilltop covered with boulders, waving sticks and allowed to be boys.

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So let's get back to what's truly important...choo choo trains

When we met with the local preschool special education team last week to have BOY evaluated for a possible learning disorder, we were exposed to a lot of great information on the development of boys. Some of which I had heard before, some I hadn't. Even though they concluded that BOY didn't have any learning issues, and was developing "typically in all domains," the visit was certainly not a waste of time. I came away with two jewels: my instincts are good - always listen to them and it is always better to check, just to be sure. I would much rather have a preschool teacher who is aware of each child -both their strengths and weaknesses. And I am glad that BOY's teacher met with us and expressed her concerns. She is paying attention, and that is a gift.

Because the teacher had suggested we have BOY evaluated, we had the opportunity to meet with an entire team of child development professionals. And that enabled us to get reinforcement for our parenting skills, and also provided a chance to learn about our son. E and I left the evaluation team meeting feeling empowered. We have real tools and ideas that we can give to his lead teacher and information that can be shared with all the teachers in his class. Everyone benefits.

The most important thing to us is that BOY is loved and respected for who he is, not compared to other children in his class [because he isn't at their maturity level yet], and that he feels good about himself - just because he is BOY. We see the incredible progress he is making and we are focused on the fact that he is maturing at his own pace. He may be a little behind the other kids in some aspects, but the important thing is that he is moving forward. Comparisons will come later, and that is part of life, but life shouldn't be too intense at this point. Overall, I have been thrilled with his daycare preschool and have had very few issues. The teachers are amazingly gifted and creative. Best of all, they love the children. I feel confident that we can work with his teachers and that he will mature. He has another year and a half before Kindergarten. He has time to be a 4 year old boy. So, let's get back to what's truly important....choo choo trains.

In my recent reading, I came across this fascinating information about boys:

What About Those Boys?
By Dan Hodgins

Boy Statistics:
1) Last year, 34% of preschool children were expelled, 87% of them were boys
2) 81% of children “kicked out” of school last year were boys
3) Boys are 6 times more likely to be “misdiagnosed” with ADD or ADHD
4) Boys are 4 times more likely to be put in special education
5) Boys are 7 times more likely to be labeled with reading or language delays
6) Boys are more likely not to complete high school
7) Boys are 9 times more likely to be labeled with a behavior problem
8) Boys are 4 times more likely to commit suicide

Developmental/Structural Differences:
In most cases girls brains mature earlier (boys can be 12 - 18 months behind)
Girls acquire their complex verbal skills as much as 1 year earlier
The corpus collosum in females is up to 20% larger
Girls take in more sensory data
Boys have a thicker skull

Functional Differences:
The resting female brain is more active than the activated male brain
Male brains turn on (like a machine) to do a task, then goes in to pause state
The male brain is overwhelmed by stimulation more quickly
Boys respond better to loud noises
Six times more girls sing in tune
Males have better night vision
Girls have better long term memory

Language Differences:
Communication among boys is 55% facial expressions; 38% voice tone; 7% voice alone
On the average, females produce more words than males (by 5 years of age girls have 5,000 - 7,000 word vocabularies;
boys have 3,000 - 5,000)
Girls use words as they learn them
Boys tend to work silently
Boys work out codes among themselves
Boys relate language with action

Use of Space:
Boys tend to need more space when they learn
Girls usually stay within a confined space
In block play; boys build tall; girls build low and wide
Boys move more objects in space

Testosterone:
Preschool boys can have up to 5 testosterone spikes an hour
School age boys can have up to 7 spikes an hour
Adolescent boys can have up to 10 spikes an hour
Boys engage in more motor activity during a spike

Feelings and Emotion:
Boys process and release feelings in quick bursts of energy
Males are wired to have delayed reactions to problems
Male feelings are expressed more physically
Males can go into a “cave” state for protection
Boys do not talk about their feelings

Bonding and Attachment:
Bonding and attachment must occur before the age of five
Roughhousing is essential for bonding
Hugging, handshaking, back slapping, punching, pinching are modes of bonding
Gun play, sword fighting, kicking games are not violent initiators
Bossy kids are healthy kids
Give choices that are powerful

Learning:
98% of information we receive leaves within 5 minutes unless it is real, hooked to an emotion, relevant to the child
Movable objects are needed
Power play
Firm adults
Time to solve problems
Visual guidance


Mmmm...I wonder if this information will help me to better understand the BIG BOYS?

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Just a boy who is operating at his own speed

BOY's Pre-K teacher met with us a couple of weeks ago and expressed concern that he was not functioning as well as the other children in his age group. (There are both 4 and 5 year olds in his class. BOY is in the younger range, having just turned 4 in November. The plan is for BOY to get a bonus year by doing Pre-K again next year.)

Some of the examples she gave were:

• that he speaks out during circle time saying, "Are we done yet? & Is it over?"


• that he was not able to complete more than 2 step tasks.


• that sometimes when he was asked to do something he did something else.

Hello! Maybe we are describing a 4 year old here?!

She was open to them learning new ways to connect with him, but also wanted us to consider that he might have an auditory processing disorder.

My GOD, the boy is only 4! And all I see when I look at BOY is the phenomenal growth and maturation that he has had, especially over the last 8 months. When he first started going to daycare part-time, at a little over 2 years old, he couldn't even sit still for a circle time story. He had to sit in his teacher's lap. Then came the next step, which was to sit next to the teacher. Now, he can sit in his spot for the duration of a story, but sometimes has a problem staying for the whole story. At 2 1/2 he had a handful of words. Now, he not only has a huge vocabulary, but is creative in his expressive thoughts and choice of words.


After our meeting, when it had all sunk in, I wanted to say: Shouldn't we gauge his development by his progression, rather than holding him to a standard of comparison to the other children in his age group? And if so, shouldn't we acknowledge what he IS doing, rather than focusing on what he isn't doing? And don't you think that maybe, he could be picking up on these expectations?

Why should a child be judged on his development by his birthdate? Do all of us develop at the same rate? Does a timer go off at 3 or 4 years old and PING we're nailing everything that we're supposed to get? No, I don't think so. Why I should have doubted this, even for a moment, is sad to me. But, I am still taking tentative steps sometimes, with BOY being my first child. And avoiding these parenting pot holes is tough. As I learned almost a year ago, when BOY started potty training at 3 years and 2 months old... every child has to do it at his own pace. Everyone is unique. Potty training will definitely make you check your preconceptions at the door.

But, as a good parent, you certainly want to acknowledge a teacher's concerns. So, we met Monday with the preschool special education group from our local public school district. E, myself and BOY were there for about an hour and a half. The room was a playroom environment, with a conference table at one end where we could sit, and BOY was able to have a free-for-all, with brief periods of directed activity at a table. There was a team of people in the room: a School Psychologist, an Occupational Therapist, a Physical Therapist, and a Speech and Language Pathologist.

The evaluation consisted of: "an interview with the parents, language sample, file review of previous OT & speech/language reports, play-based observations, cognitive, pre-academic, social, emotional, communication, gross motor & fine motor."

Their findings were this: "BOY is developing typically in all domains at this time. Consideration of teacher's/classroom's high academic expectations, and BOY's developmental level."

My findings were this: They thought he was a perfectly normal boy in a school with high expectations. He is active, incredibly creative and imaginative in play. But, there is no mystery or needed diagnosis here. Just a boy who is operating at his own speed, who needs to be recognized for who he is and allowed to be ...himself.

Yesterday was one of those life altering days for me. I learned so much. And every single person on the evaluation team was helpful. I got book recommendations, resources for researching boys, and I now have a new passion... discovering how boys learn differently than girls. And how children assimilate individually, uniquely, as themselves. Most of all, I took away this ...my gut instinct is rarely wrong. I just need the confidence to trust my gut instinct as a mother.

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