Yes. I admit it. I am guilty. Of trying to do too much. So? Inevitably, what always happens is this... I've lost my balls. Perhaps not my sense of humor. Entirely. But, it has been close. And, when you are a juggler, losing your balls is...not too good. Once again, I have been feeling as if... I am running in a hamster wheel of my own design.
So, as I begin to say NO to things, after I already said YES... Now, that's always a delightful dance to wiggle through. You've said YES, YES. And, you go back...and say, but NO. Yes, Yes! it IS a slippery slope, of being a disapointment to someone. Anyone? When much of your existence, dammit!, is based on being a people pleaser. But, come ON, JCK! Tis' time to throw off the mantle of pleasing, and embrace what comes with age. The wisdom and freedom of saying NO. And, being O.K. with it. Ahem... Still working on that later piece...
Yet, I must. I must say NO. I must put up the boundaries to my own life, and refocus on what is truly doable. And, important. Why? Because I am not good to anyone when I don't do that. And saying YES to more than I can ACTUALLY DO is a disservice to everyone involved, and not the role modeling I wish to show my children. Most especially my daughter.
Because... I think we as women say YES far too much. Out of guilt. Out of fear of disapointing... And really, out of an illogical, perhaps overly smug, conceited sense of what we can handle. Because we can handle A LOT. After all, we are the ultimate Multi-Taskers, right? Yes. We are brilliant at multi-tasking! Look, look at me GOOOO.... See how much I CAN DOOOO..... True, life would be impossible without that skill. However, there is multi-tasking and there is...being blind to what is truly possible to achieve, with one's health intact. Yes! Health not limited to the body, but the mind and spirit. All intersect. Here.
I am sorting through right now. Because, that is what works best. For me. The sorting. Taking a small task, and accomplishing what I set out to do. Crossing things off lists. And, most of all, spending time with my children.
Tonight, once more transported on the imagination of Mary Pope Osborne, I read "Haunted Castle on All Hallows Eve," ,from the Magic Tree House series, to BOY & GIRL. Chapter after chapter, until the end, and I had been reading for an hour and ten minutes. All of us, captured by the tale. I lost track of time. But, my time was SO well spent. And I will go to bed, and sleep better. I think. No... I KNOW this.
Yes, there is STILL a list of all there is left yet for me to do. Yes, some things will have to wait. And, some things will not be done. Period. But, hopefully, hopefully I will not be awake at 3am again, unable to sleep, wrestling with my psyche. Berating myself for all that is out of my control. Because life is too short. And I'm in my second half of it. And I want to experience it fully. So, tonight, and on into tomorrow I will be saying NO. And breathing easier...