Yes. I admit it. I am guilty. Of trying to do too much. So? Inevitably, what always happens is this... I've lost my balls. Perhaps not my sense of humor. Entirely. But, it has been close. And, when you are a juggler, losing your balls is...not too good. Once again, I have been feeling as if... I am running in a hamster wheel of my own design.
So, as I begin to say NO to things, after I already said YES... Now, that's always a delightful dance to wiggle through. You've said YES, YES. And, you go back...and say, but NO. Yes, Yes! it IS a slippery slope, of being a disapointment to someone. Anyone? When much of your existence, dammit!, is based on being a people pleaser. But, come ON, JCK! Tis' time to throw off the mantle of pleasing, and embrace what comes with age. The wisdom and freedom of saying NO. And, being O.K. with it. Ahem... Still working on that later piece...
Yet, I must. I must say NO. I must put up the boundaries to my own life, and refocus on what is truly doable. And, important. Why? Because I am not good to anyone when I don't do that. And saying YES to more than I can ACTUALLY DO is a disservice to everyone involved, and not the role modeling I wish to show my children. Most especially my daughter.
Because... I think we as women say YES far too much. Out of guilt. Out of fear of disapointing... And really, out of an illogical, perhaps overly smug, conceited sense of what we can handle. Because we can handle A LOT. After all, we are the ultimate Multi-Taskers, right? Yes. We are brilliant at multi-tasking! Look, look at me GOOOO.... See how much I CAN DOOOO..... True, life would be impossible without that skill. However, there is multi-tasking and there is...being blind to what is truly possible to achieve, with one's health intact. Yes! Health not limited to the body, but the mind and spirit. All intersect. Here.
I am sorting through right now. Because, that is what works best. For me. The sorting. Taking a small task, and accomplishing what I set out to do. Crossing things off lists. And, most of all, spending time with my children.
Tonight, once more transported on the imagination of Mary Pope Osborne, I read "Haunted Castle on All Hallows Eve," ,from the Magic Tree House series, to BOY & GIRL. Chapter after chapter, until the end, and I had been reading for an hour and ten minutes. All of us, captured by the tale. I lost track of time. But, my time was SO well spent. And I will go to bed, and sleep better. I think. No... I KNOW this.
Yes, there is STILL a list of all there is left yet for me to do. Yes, some things will have to wait. And, some things will not be done. Period. But, hopefully, hopefully I will not be awake at 3am again, unable to sleep, wrestling with my psyche. Berating myself for all that is out of my control. Because life is too short. And I'm in my second half of it. And I want to experience it fully. So, tonight, and on into tomorrow I will be saying NO. And breathing easier...
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"No" is a very valuable word.
ReplyDeleteTo Do Lists, doing this or that: You're a True American!
ReplyDeleteThere's nothing wrong with revisiting your schedule and realizing, oh no, I've over committed and am unable to follow through on my promise to help out. People understand. They will be disappointed, but it's okay to let them handle their disappointment.
ReplyDeleteBut I know this dilemma well. I know the people pleaser impulse. I mostly have it cornered and caged, these days, where school demands are concerned. I've figured out that ignoring emails and not showing up at PTA meetings helps a lot. Not so good at limiting my work sessions.
I agree with Jenn--no is an extremely valuable word.
ReplyDeleteI so needed to read this tonight. Though I did spend most of the weekend doing only things I loved doing...Maybe I'm learning?
ReplyDeleteYes to more No :D
God, I do this all the time. Thank you for turning a mirror on me
ReplyDeleteMy dear... never too late... I just learned the wonders and BENEFITS of saying "No" just 3 years ago, when you get the hang of it...its not that hard anymore... 'cos going with what the heart wants SHOULD never be a difficult task. *wink*
ReplyDeletePlease let me know if you master this skill (or at least own a little teensy piece of it).
ReplyDeleteGood for you for recognizing it.
You have to be able to say "no" sometimes for your own sanity. I don't know how to say "no." Ever. I'm always getting myself in over my head with too much to do. And who suffers? Everyone -- like you said.
ReplyDeleteIt is a woman thing, I think. We're too nice. We need to be a bitch more often and tell people we just can't do it and let the chips fall where they may!
I say yes too readily, also -- so often try to stall on an answer. Then I usually come to my senses and recover my spine.
ReplyDeleteApparently I'm a bitch (as Lisa said) because I don't have a problem saying "No" to people, other than my parents, husband, and son. Life is short, and I want to fill it doing the stuff that makes me feel joyful... like reading a book to my kid. Glad you were able to spend quality time reading with your kids. What could be better than that? Or more important?
ReplyDeletethis is pretty much exactly what I'm dealing with these days, and today I DID make a list, and I'm crossing things off of it with huge sighs of relief. I made the list SO THAT I could cross things off of it and feel a bit more in control of my life that seems insane right now.
ReplyDeletedeep breath.
I don't say no often enough. In fact, think I just said it twice in the past month for the first two times in my life. It felt good.
ReplyDelete