Will they wonder why we didn't stop the make-overs at 5...

What IS IT to be female today?

What does it mean? For all of us...


And where does it start?

What will it be like for women 70 years from now, looking back, seeing the images of us? What will they think? Will they wonder why we didn't stop the make-overs at 5... (Ad for Club Libby Lu: Would you like to have your hair done up, put makeup on, and look like you're ready for a big party? But you can't because you're "only a kid?" Don't worry any more---now you CAN get your hair done---and you MUST be a kid!)

7 year old Birthday PartyJust harmless fun, right?
Will they question our focus on teenage sexuality?

Tshirt from Abercrombie & Fitch: Who needs brains when you have these? (T-shirts were pulled & the company released this statement:"We recognize that the shirts in question, while meant to be humorous, might be troubling to some." )

Might be troubling to some?

The T-shirts were pulled because a group of approximately 2 dozen girls staged a protest. They were successful.



And it isn't just about girls....




What will they say? ..................GIRLS GONE WILD?

Are these our daughters?
Do these images reflect... us? Is this what we want?

Where did we draw the line in the sand?


What will they say years from now? About US...

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The Motherscribe Interview Series: the 12th interview...

My 12th interview is with Kalynne who lives in Alabama. She is 47, married with 9 children. She works outside the home. She has a blog called The Philosopher Mom.

What does the word feminist mean to you? Has the meaning changed over time? It has changed. When I first encountered it, growing up in the 70s, the connotation was radical, bitter, combative, deliberately ugly. But in grad school ten years later, my dissertation topic led me into feminist philosophy. There I discovered a tremendous spectrum: some of it radical, bitter, etc., but some of it thoughtful and reflective, some of it clean and sharp. Now when I think “feminist,” I think of the best of what I found in my research: women and men placing incommensurate value on the particular genius of women, as genius OF WOMEN. People like Nell Noddings, Martha Nussbaum, and (to my mind, the grande dame of feminism) Elizabeth Fox-Genovese. To anyone interested in the question of feminism and its relevance, I can’t recommend her book FEMINISM IS NOT THE STORY OF MY LIFE strongly enough…keeping in mind it was written by the founder of Emory University’s Women’s Studies program.

Do you consider yourself a feminist? Yes, as specified above.

Would others consider you a feminist? Depends on whom you mean by “others.” The high-profile, public, politically-oriented feminists would perish the thought, I’m sure.

If you are a feminist, do you feel comfortable owning that title in your everyday life? On the academic side, yes. On the social side, not without explanation.

What are some images that come to mind when you think of the women’s movement? “Ms.” magazine, bra burnings, angry women yelling and waving those distorted “NOW” signs with the big O in the middle. Unlike academic feminism, generally (there are exceptions), the “women’s movement” strikes me as parochial to the point of fascism – “If you don’t agree with us, you’re misogynist.”

What was the greatest gift of the women’s movement? It’s pretty well established that the dominant – though largely implicit – conception of women throughout western history was as objects for the convenience and gratification of men. Especially in its efforts to shatter the glass employment ceiling, the women’s movement helped to replace this conception with one of women as autonomous human beings, as intrinsically valuable as men.

What was the greatest failure of the women’s movement? Pushing the conception change too far. It wasn’t enough for women to be as intrinsically valuable as men; what I think of as “the women’s movement” insists on women being virtually indistinguishable from men…especially in terms of sexual freedom. Paradoxically – and tragically – the effect of this has been to return women to the status of objects for the gratification of men. Fox-Genovese (among others) has demonstrated that widespread access to contraception and abortion didn’t really liberate women from the “burden” of childbearing so much as it liberated MEN from having to accept responsibility for their sexual activity. They were free to use women as inflatable dolls, with pregnancy on the level of a “manufacturer’s defect” – after all, with contraception and abortion so easy to get, it was the woman’s own fault if she got pregnant, and so she could be left alone to deal with it.

I think this view of sexual freedom is more divisive among women than the stay-at-home/work-outside-the-home dichotomy. Women who reject the notion that sexual freedom is good for women make protesting objectification harder for those who embrace it. I also think that this goes a long way toward explaining why some feminists – Diana Tietjen Meyers is a prime example -- deny that women ever freely choose to be wives and mothers (they argue it’s the product of societal brainwashing).

How old are your children? 20, 18, 17, 15, 14, 12, 10, 10 and 6.

What do you want to do differently with your children than what you received from your parents? I want them to know – and see, every day – how much they are loved by both of us. I want them to have a firm moral and religious foundation; they are free, and in fact, encouraged to question and investigate, but this can’t be done productively without a point of departure. Most of all, I want them to be raised in a joyful home.

What would you like to carry on that your parents established with you? Regular, sacrosanct time for each other. My parents had this when Dad got home from work: they would go into their bedroom for 15-20 minutes to reconnect with each other before calling the kids to dinner.

Did your mother work outside the home? She did, after I got to high school (when my youngest brothers were in 3rd or 4th grade).

How did that affect you growing up? It made it easier for me to cut school, being able to return to an empty house. It didn’t have any noticeable effect on our relationship with our mother, but that was probably because we didn’t perceive her as being particularly interested or involved in our lives when she was home all day, either.

What impression did that leave with you about women working outside the home? I thought it was something women might do if they were bored. In our suburban neighborhood, most of the moms stayed home until the kids were well into school, then they worked, usually part-time, more as a social outlet than from necessity.

Was your mother a homemaker? For 14 or 15 years.

How did that affect you growing up? I could not begin to fathom what she did with her day. All I knew of it was that she watched General Hospital religiously, and that there would more often than not be a basket or two of clean clothes waiting for us to put them away when we got home.

Did your father respect your mother? Yes.

Did your mother respect your father? In her own way, I’m sure she did…but this was not as much as we kids thought she should.

Who were your earliest female role models other than your mother? While I remember being jealous of some of my friends’ mothers – the ones who threw elaborate birthday parties, served as Girl Scout leaders or Room Mothers, who did their daughters’ hair and took them shopping – I didn’t think of them as role models. My role models came from books: Amelia Earhart, Clara Barton, Jacqueline Bouvier Kennedy (from the “Childhood of Famous Americans” series – I read all of them, women first); Anne of Green Gables, Caddie Woodlawn, Jo March, Scarlett O’Hara, Nancy Drew….

What did you dream of being when you were a child? A professional baseball player; an actress and a writer. When I was young, I assumed I’d be married with children (lots of them, after I read the Galbraith original CHEAPER BY THE DOZEN). But by the time I hit adolescence, I had settled on a career in classical music, and the family assumption just sort of faded out.

What do you yearn for? Sisters!! I was the only girl, the oldest of four children. I wanted a big sister. I wanted a little sister. I also wanted a piano.

Was getting married/partnered a conscious goal or focus early on in your adulthood? Not in the slightest.

Is there an event(s) that affected you in childhood/adolescence that impacted your identity in a positive or negative way? I adored my paternal grandmother and identified closely with her. My dad’s parents were from Georgia, and though growing up I’d never lived further south than Chicago, I considered myself a Southerner like my grandparents (I even refused to sing “Battle Hymn of the Republic” in chorus, as a matter of principle). One summer when Grandma was visiting (I was maybe 10 or 11), my mother started yelling at her for some reason, which made Grandma cry and ask my dad to take her to the train station. I don’t remember being particularly close to my mother before then, but this incident provoked a deliberate dissociation.

What do you wish your mother had told you about marriage, life, anything…that you didn’t hear from her? I wish she’d told me it brought her some joy.

What role did your father play in your childhood? He was as close to perfect as a flesh-and-blood dad could be. Not only did he do things with us (and with evident enjoyment), but he taught us many crucial things by example – to admit the possibility of being wrong, to apologize, to forgive, to think before speaking, to be considerate of others’ feelings, to laugh at oneself. As I grew into mature adulthood, I’ve come to recognize his example of marital commitment, also.

What was your relationship like with your father? With the exception of the Snark Years (ages 12-16), I think it’s always been good.

Have you ever dieted? The keener question is whether I’ve ever NOT been dieting.

Are you happy and/or comfortable with your weight? Not now. I have been, though, in the not-too-distant past.

Would you describe yourself as someone with “body issues?” If so, when do you remember this starting? What do you attribute it to? I wouldn’t, because to me it seems normal, right? It started with puberty, I think; I didn’t develop early, but I once I started, I developed (shall we say?) fully. I didn’t appreciate this one bit – I didn’t like the attention it drew from the boys, I didn’t like the way it made me look fat, and I didn’t like the way it upset my balance. I wanted to dance ballet, and big boobs were a disqualification.

How do you feel about aging? It’s annoying! Reading glasses, blunted hearing, creaky joints – ugh. Menopause, on the other hand, has its advantages.

How do you feel about plastic surgery? I admit disapproving of it being done for vanity’s sake – especially breast augmentation. But this may be a product of my own background experiences. I do recognize there can be justifiable reasons: for example, abdomoplasty to remove the overhang of loose skin after losing large amounts of weight -- I could see myself doing this.

How do you feel about the sexualizing of young women in our society? It’s ineffably deplorable. Tragic. Not only are the young women being cheated, but they’re being conditioned not to recognize it. Young men are being cheated also, prevented from seeing young women for the precious beings they are, instead of objects to be consumed. A giant kudos to corporations acting to counteract this sexualization, such as Dove’s “Campaign for Real Beauty.”

Why did you decide to be a stay-at-home mom? (This is from my recollection of 16 years’ of SAHM-hood). Wanting to give my children the best nurturing environment I could. This isn’t to say it’s always the mom, but in my case I thought it was. And because I wanted to be with them. Finally, because there were so many of them, it wouldn’t have been economically or logistically feasible to arrange child care.

Do you consider it a job? Do you feel that you are valued? Absolutely, and I did feel valued.

Do you feel supported by your partner? Yes.

Do you feel supported by other women? Yes.

What do you love about being a SAHM? Not having “gaps” in my connection with my children’s lives, and having that quantity of quality time for them.

Is there a dark side of being a SAHM? There were times that I was frustrated not being able to do philosophy...it’s an intellectual drive as strong as any physical one. I also needed space with greater frequency; I’m an introvert, in that my emotional batteries recharge by being alone. Fortunately, my husband recognizes this, and he’s always tried to arrange for me to have regular breaks. I think there can also be a tendency to identify too much with one’s children, to live their lives as though they were one’s own. I recognize a stretch of my own SAHM-hood that was regrettably devoted to controlling the details of my eldest daughter’s soccer career…and she was only 11.

What was your career before you had children? I was a graduate student in philosophy. I finished my masters and doctorate over eight years, while having and homeschooling with my children.

Has it been hard to let go of that identity? Or you still identify with that role? As I wrote in the acknowledgements of my doctoral dissertation, “One of the magnificent things about philosophy is its ability to operate on whatever is placed in front of it. In my case, this is the everyday life and long-term plans of a wife and mother of many.” Once I got my Ph.D., I did make sure to put the nomenclature behind my signature whenever it was conceivably excusable. So I guess I’d have to answer this question, “yes.”

If you had a choice to return to work, would you? I did – miraculously, given the job market in collegiate liberal arts! – and I did (though the decision required a gentle nudge – and strenuous situational management – from my husband).

What do you do for a living? I teach philosophy at a major research-extensive university in the SoutheastCollege.

What do you love about being a working mom? The chance to develop my particular talents and use them to make a contribution to the world. I also love watching the reactions of people who know me professionally to learning that I have nine children.

What are the challenges of being a working mom? Because I’m a “tunnel-visionary,” I tend to be consumed by whatever is in front of me at the moment – home, family or work (or blog) – to the detriment of the others. In particular, it’s very difficult not to get sucked into the mindset of an academic professional: publish or perish, race the tenure clock, etc. I just can’t go there; I did, unwittingly, this past fall, and I found myself resenting my family and regretting the decision I made to have one during/after grad school. Thank God I came to my senses shortly thereafter.

If you had a choice to be at home with your children, would you? I have made that choice. I was home with them (in fact, homeschooling them) for 16 years; since returning to work, I’ve tried to arrange my schedule to be home most of the time they are. In fact, I just recently requested to shift to a part-time teaching schedule so I could be home all of the time they are, plus three extra days for taking care of errands, appointments, etc. There are days I’d like to quit and just stay home again, believe me! But I would miss being part of the academic world.

Was the decision an economic one (e.g., your family requires two incomes)? No.

Do you beat yourself up for not spending enough time with your kids? Not at the moment. But last semester, I taught a 175% load (seven sections of classes, where four constitutes full-time for non-tenure track)…and several of my kids had issues of varying kinds and degrees. I do think at least some of these could have been avoided or lessened had I not been working so much.

Do you feel supported by your partner? Most definitely.

Do you feel supported by other women? By my SAHM and working mom friends, yes. By other professional women, not so much. (I should specify: I feel supported by the administrative staff, but not by the other faculty, either men or women – though there are individual exceptions, of course.) A couple of years ago, I attended a panel discussion by my university’s Women’s Initiative Center on the difficulty women faculty have combining career and family. The focus was exclusively on faculty women who THEN want to go on to add a family to their lives. When I asked about support for women with families who THEN try to jump-start a faculty career, I got blank stares from one end of the table to the other before one of the panelists changed the subject.

Do you see evidence of “The Mommy Wars” in your everyday life? I do not, though I’m aware of them. My friend Charmaine Crouse Yoest wrote a very good book on the subject, MOTHER IN THE MIDDLE, with a fabulously ingenious solution called “radical motherhood.” Y’all should check it out!

Do you feel valued in your workplace? A year ago, I would have said yes unequivocally. But last semester was brutally enlightening, so I can’t now. I will say I feel valued by my students.

Do you feel valued at home? By my husband and the younger kids, yes. The teens? Rarely. But I think that’s an unfortunately typical feature of the teenaged psychological landscape.

Do you believe a happy, fulfilled mom is a better mom whether her choice is to work outside the home or to stay at home with her children? Of course, but I’d take this statement in moderation. I worry that there’s a natural tendency to justify selfishness on grounds like this, when moms and children are better served by learning to find happiness and fulfillment in making life more pleasant for the others, even if that means subordinating one’s own preferences.

Did your mother or another caretaker talk to you about sex and what to expect? I got logistical instruction from my mother, after she discovered I’d found and begun reading EVERYTHING YOU ALWAYS WANTED TO KNOW ABOUT SEX BUT WERE AFRAID TO ASK. (I’ve since wondered whether the book was in the house precisely to serve as this kind of conversation starter.)

How was your first sexual experience? It was not only unpleasant, but it is one of my most profound regrets…which is really quite remarkable: I’d never been told to wait (being raised in an agnostic, liberated moral environment), so I was entirely unprepared for the overwhelmingly miserable guilt that followed immediately. I kept looking in the mirror, expecting to see horns, or boils, or some physical manifestation of the wrongness. Even now, 30 years later, I’m struck by how acute and intense was this feeling of wrongness, which could not be attributed to anything I’d been taught or conditioned to believe.

Is marriage liberating or inhibiting sexually? It is absolutely -- and uniquely -- liberating. I believe sex is body language for free, total, mutual self-gift, which just is the essence of marriage. That’s why I’m so strongly opposed to sex outside of marriage – and why I think I intuitively recoiled from it that first time: fundamentally, it’s a lie.

What makes you feel sexy? My unreserved and irrevocable love for my husband, and his for me.

What would make your sex life better? More sleep. And getting the teenagers out of the house.

How has having children changed the relationship with your partner? We have to strategize instead of flying by the seat of our pants.

Do you have dates with your partner? Yes! These are indispensable. Even if it’s just a matter of walking around the block or running to McDonalds to share a milkshake (as it often was, in the early and financially strained years of our marriage), this is quite possibly the most important piece of advice we give to young marrieds.

Do you have personal “ME” time scheduled every week/every day?Yes, though I prefer to frame it as “me and God” time, to prevent it from hardening into polished, “entitled” self-absorption.

How do you combat stress? Pray, run or swim, call a good friend, sleep.

Do you get out regularly with girlfriends? Not so much as I’d like. Three houses ago, we had a group of moms who went away for an annual January weekend at Rehobeth beach (one of the gals’ in-laws had a summer house). It is one of my most cherished memories.

Has it been challenging to retain a separate sense of self from your role as mother & wife? Oh, I could write several pages on this topic, given that “self” is a highly charged philosophical concept that I’ve been working with for a couple of years. The short answer is no…because my self is in fact inseparable from these (and other) roles. I mean, think about it: what is the role of mother, or of wife, if not a particular self in relation to particular husband and particular children? No one is ever “just” a wife or mother, as if it’s a generic. And no one is “just” a self, as though it’s a paper doll in her skivvies waiting for roles to be added onto it.

What do you do to facilitate that? Does your partner help make that happen? I think about self-hood, consciously and deliberately, on a regular basis. And I don’t think you need to have a graduate degree in philosophy to do this. (In fact, it might be easier if you don’t!)

Do you help create personal space for your partner? Yes.

Does your partner share in household tasks? Yes.

Are you happy and/or fulfilled with your life? Why? Absolutely! In my case, fulfillment is a direct result of my faith, knowing that God has a plan for me in particular, and knowing that no plan could be better. All I have to do is cooperate (which is easier intended than done, I’ll have to admit, but the effort is worth its weight in peace of mind).

How did you think your life would be when you got married? How do you feel now? I thought I’d have much more control over it! I’ve learned some really difficult but life-preserving lessons about what I can and can’t do for my family. For example, I can teach my kids about right and wrong, but I can’t make their choices for them. And I can’t preserve my furniture from scratches and stains.

Can women do it all? Honey, NOBODY but God can do it all.


Thank you, Kalynne.


******************************

The Motherscribe Interviews are closed for comments. For more about Kalynne, please find her at The Philosopher Mom.

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The Motherscribe Interview Series: the 11th interview...

My 11th interview is with Anne who lives in Illinois. She is 40 years old, married with 3 children, and works outside the home. She has a blog called More Mindless Rambling.



What does the word feminist mean to you? Has the meaning changed over time? To me, a feminist is someone who believes in, and actively works to forward the cause of, equal footings for women and men. I think the meaning of the word hasn’t changed, but the cause itself takes on a new shape with each milestone that is reached.

Do you consider yourself a feminist? I do consider myself a feminist.

Would others consider you a feminist? I think they would, particularly once they get to know me.

If you are a feminist, do you feel comfortable owning that title in your everyday life? The older I get, the more comfortable I am with owning everything in my life and feminism is no different. I tend to speak my mind even when that’s not wise, or my mind is full of opinions that aren’t particularly popular.

What are some images that come to mind when you think of the women’s movement? Flaming bras and women fighting for the right to vote.

What was the greatest gift of the women’s movement? The right to vote.

What was the greatest failure of the women’s movement? I don’t know that I would use the word failure, but active feminists often overlook a woman’s right to choose a more traditional role and seem to devalue it. I think we fought for the right to choose, not the right to conform to a different ideal.

Did your mother work outside the home? Yes.

How did that affect you growing up? It kept me fed and put a roof over my head.

What impression did that leave with you about women working outside the home? I never found it unusual, I guess I believed it was expected that women would work outside of the home. I didn’t have that many friends whose mother’s stayed home and I never really considered the choice until I was an adult.

Who were your earliest female role models other than your mother? I had a teacher that I absolutely adored, and I still keep in touch with her today.

What did you dream of being when you were a child? I dreamed of becoming a writer.

Was getting married/partnered a conscious goal or focus early on in your adulthood? No. I actually planned to stay single and completely unattached.

Is there an event(s) that affected you in childhood/adolescence that impacted your identity in a positive or negative way? Absolutely… and in a very negative way. Word has it that I may be able to turn it into a positive thing, so I’m working with that idea but it remains to be seen.

Have you ever dieted? Yes, but not until I was about 35.

Are you happy and/or comfortable with your weight? I’m okay. I wouldn’t mind losing 10 lbs, but if I don’t ever do that, I won’t worry about it too much.

Would you describe yourself as someone with “body issues?” No, not really.

How do you feel about the sexualizing of young women in our society? I hate it. Our society sexualizes children well before they have the capacity to understand and it creates unrealistic expectations/views of relationships.

What do you wish your mother had told you about marriage, life, anything…that you didn’t hear from her? I think I would have liked her to be honest with me about any of those things. She didn’t offer information freely, and she resisted answering any direct questions.

What role did your father play in your childhood? None. I did not know my father.

How do you feel about aging? I’m not terribly affected by it. The older I get, the more confident a person I become, so a few lines and some gray in my hair aren’t that big of a deal to me. I get a color touch-up, throw on a little moisturizer, and try not to squint.

How do you feel about plastic surgery? If it’s purely cosmetic, it’s not for me but I think people should do what they really want to do. That being said, there are a lot of people who have plastic surgery for reasons I do not understand at all. I think you have to look within and really determine if you’re doing it for you because it makes you happy.

Did your mother or another caretaker talk to you about sex and what to expect? No.

How was your first sexual experience? Traumatic.

Is marriage liberating or inhibiting sexually? It’s liberating!

What makes you feel sexy? Feeling good about myself – and wearing pretty underwear.

Do you have the energy/desire for sex at the end of the day? Usually, but why wait until the end?

What turns you on? Spontaneity – stolen moments that only we share.

What would make your sex life better? My husband and I have different sleep schedules. He prefers to go to bed early, I go to bed late. He gets up early, and I prefer to never get up. Hence, stolen moments at strange times of day are critical, but more time spent together horizontally couldn’t hurt.

What do you do for a living? I am the Senior Vice-President and Cashier of a community bank.

What do you love about being a working mom? I love working and I love being a mom. I would love to be a mom who works a little less, but I believe I will always be the kind of person who needs to have a career. It gives me a sense of accomplishment and a place to create relationships with people that are not centered around my kids.

What are the challenges of being a working mom? I feel like a circus act sometimes; particularly the one with the guy trying to keep 20 plates spinning on poles. And there’s the guilt. Of course, there is the guilt. I do not make it to EVERY sporting event and I am not running the PTA. Sometimes I think I should be doing that.

If you had a choice to be at home with your children, would you? I would be home more, but not full-time.

Was the decision an economic one (e.g., your family requires two incomes)? It didn’t start out that way, but it would be a factor now if I wanted to quit working.

Do you see evidence of “The Mommy Wars” in your everyday life? Yes, but not that often.

Do you beat yourself up for not spending enough time with your kids? Sure, sometimes. However, I think questioning it is a sign that I am conscious of maintaining a balance and I think I do a pretty decent job of it most of the time.

Do you feel supported by your partner? Yes I do.

Do you feel supported by other women? Absolutely.

Do you feel valued in your workplace? Most of the time.

Do you feel valued at home? Yes.

Do you believe a happy, fulfilled mom is a better mom whether her choice is to work outside the home or to stay at home with her children? I believe that with all of my heart.

Can women do it all? I think some of us believe we must, which just means that we need to give ourselves a break and learn to ask for help.

How old are your children? 16, 15, and 9

What do you want to do differently with your children than what you received from your parents? I want to be honest with my kids in an age-appropriate way and I want to listen to them. I want to give them a sense of security and a decent amount of self-esteem. Most of all, I want them to know they are loved and that they can come to me with anything.

What would you like to carry on that your parents established with you? I actually feel guilty that I can’t think of an answer to this question, and a little sad because there isn’t anything.

How has having children changed the relationship with your partner? It has solidified it. We have these people that we’re both responsible for and we work together as partners in raising them. Before the kids, I think we were both a little selfish and we didn’t really work together on things.

Do you have dates with your partner? Yes. We try to go out without any kids at least once each month.

Do you have personal “ME” time scheduled every week/every day? No, not really.

How do you combat stress? I have a tendency to let stress kick my butt.

Do you get out regularly with girlfriends? Not regularly, no.

Has it been challenging to retain a separate sense of self from your role as mother & wife? It has been challenging at times. If I were asked to define myself, mother and wife would be my first 2 answers in either order, and then I would inevitably stop and think for awhile to come up with more words.

What do you do to facilitate that? I’m not consciously doing anything to facilitate that.

Do you help create personal space for your partner? I guess I’d better ask him, because I don’t think so.

Does your partner share in household tasks? He does most of the cooking, all of the grocery shopping, and a lot of the outside stuff, too.

How did you think your life would be when you got married? How do you feel now? I didn’t think marriage would require so much effort. I love being married and I am married to my best friend, but it is work to function as a team rather than as two individuals.

Are you happy and/or fulfilled with your life? Why? I am very happy with my life. I have a wonderful family, my marriage is stronger than ever, and I’m where I want to be in my career. I can’t complain (much). Over the years, there have been a number of times when I stopped to ask myself if I was where I was supposed to be, and if I was doing what I was supposed to be doing. I tweaked things along the way according to those answers. Strangely enough, the questions usually come up when I know deep down that I need a good tweaking.

What do you yearn for? Peace. Not with the world, but with myself. Some days are better than others.


Thank you, Anne.


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Comments are closed for The Motherscribe Interviews. For more about Anne, please find her on More Mindless Rambling.

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The Motherscribe Interview Series: the 10th interview...

My 10th interview is with Karen. She is 50 years old and lives in Texas. She is a single working woman. She has a blog called Professor J's Place.


What does the word feminist mean to you? Has the meaning changed over time? The simplest definition is that a feminist believes that women hold up half of the sky: women are as important as men. Therefore, women are deserving of equal respect, equal rights, and equal pay.

For me, I think being a feminist also means that I have made a decision to support women whenever I have the opportunity. If I can choose a woman doctor, lawyer, grocer, whatever, I do so.

Do you consider yourself a feminist? Yes. Unashamedly.

Would others consider you a feminist? Yes.

If you are a feminist, do you feel comfortable owning that title in your everyday life? Yes.

What are some images that come to mind when you think of the women’s movement? I remember an early (perhaps the first) cover of Ms. Magazine. “The Hand that Cradles the Rock.” I remember when Billie Jean King won the tennis match with Bobby Riggs.

What was the greatest gift of the women’s movement? Consciousness raising. The idea that women and men should know themselves and their personal power. The idea that no person should feel inferior to another—for any reason.

What was the greatest failure of the women’s movement? Public Relations.

People tend to think of feminists as angry. We often were, and for good reason. Why should we not be angry? I remember when my mother was working full time, taking in extra work on the evenings and weekends, and trying to raise three girls by herself. She went to court to force my father to pay child support. The judge simply lowered the amount my father should pay from three hundred dollars a month to two-fifty. There was no effort to force my father to pay (he never did). Should my mother and the countless other women in her position be angry? Yes. Should the women who made 64 cents for every dollar a man made be angry? Yes. Should the women who were beaten or raped for being lesbians be angry? Yes.

There is less reason to be angry these days; in large part because of the women’s movement. But for some reason, the anger of some feminists has become a public relations nightmare. Even women hate feminists.

Did your mother work outside the home? yes

How did that affect you growing up? I am sure I missed having Mom around. I always respected her and knew she was doing it all for us.

What impression did that leave with you about women working outside the home? I respect them. I also respect women who are able to choose to stay home.

Who were your earliest female role models other than your mother? Eleanor Roosevelt and Judy Garland (I was a confused young girl.)

Is there an event(s) that affected you in childhood/adolescence that impacted your identity in a positive or negative way? I was sexually abused for several months when I was nine years old.

What do you do for a living? I teach.

Do you enjoy being single? I enjoy some things about it very much.

What are you looking for in a mate? I do date a lovely woman and am happy to continue to discover the nature of our relationship—so I’m single but not. The qualities I was looking for? Intelligence, great sense of humor, sensitivity, an artistic bent, a feminist, a liberal.

Do you get out regularly with friends? No, not enough. Most of my friends live far away. My friends in town are busy with their lives.

Have you ever dieted? Oh yes.

Are you happy and/or comfortable with your weight? No.

Would you describe yourself as someone with “body issues?” If so, when do you remember this starting? What do you attribute it to? I gained weight with puberty and was considered fat throughout my teen years. I didn’t really become fat until much later. I realized the resulting weight brought with it less sexual attention—I think I hold on to the weight because I believe it makes me safe.

How do you feel about aging? I don’t really like feeling sore and stiff, and I’m not at all sure about this mortality thing, but otherwise I rather like being a crone.

How do you feel about plastic surgery? I hate my droopy eyelids. But I do worry about people who want to change much about their bodies / faces.

How do you feel about the sexualizing of young women in our society? I worry about their safety and their self esteem.

Was getting married/partnered a conscious goal or focus early on in your adulthood? yes

What did you dream of being when you were a child? I dreamed of having a large house with a courtyard. My mother lived with me, as did my many children. I don’t think I had a job or a husband.

Did your mother or another caretaker talk to you about sex and what to expect? Mamma gave me a book.

What makes you feel sexy? A partner who thinks I’m sexy. A full-throated laugh. A warm hand touching me.

What turns you on? Joy. And the sure knowledge that my partner desires me.

How do you combat stress? Writing, playing with dogs, walking in the woods, talking to people, eating.

What do you yearn for? Peace. Love. Acceptance.

Are you happy with your life? Yes. Most of the time I am very happy.



Thank you, Karen.


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The Motherscribe Interviews are closed to comments. For more about Karen, please find her at Professor J's Place.

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The Motherscribe Interview Series: the 9th interview...

My 9th interview is with Margaret. She is a 44 year old working woman who lives in California. She is married with two children. She has a blog called Finnegan Begin Again.

What does the word feminist mean to you? Has the meaning changed over time? To me, a feminist is a person who recognizes that certain historical, social, political, and economic constructs limit the opportunities for women to develop themselves to their full potential.

Do you consider yourself a feminist? Absolutely.

Would others consider you a feminist? I hope so.

If you are a feminist, do you feel comfortable owning that title in your everyday life? Absolutely.

What are some images that come to mind when you think of the women’s movement? Elizabeth Cady Stanton, Susan B. Anthony, Carrie Chapman Catt, Eleanor Roosevelt, Betty Friedan, Gloria Steinham. I think of generations of women who have raised important questions about what it means to be female.

What was the greatest gift of the women’s movement? Continuity. The woman’s movement has had ebbs and flows, but it has existed since the early 1800s. The consciousness of those ebbs and flows is a welcome reminder that the search for justice doesn’t end.

What was the greatest failure of the women’s movement? To over-identify with male values – the assumption that women will be equal when women can act like and have the privileges of men, instead of questioning some of those values in the first place.

Did your mother work outside the home? She began working when I was about eight.

How did that affect you growing up? I would have preferred having my mom at home, but she had to earn money and I did not hold that against her.

What impression did that leave with you about women working outside the home? It taught me that I would probably have to work and, that being the case, I better find something that I liked.

Was your mother a homemaker? At first.

How did that affect you growing up? I did like having my mom home with me.

Did your father respect your mother? I don’t think so.

Did your mother respect your father? I don’t know. I think she feared him.

Who were your earliest female role models other than your mother? Probably other moms and women in pretty traditional roles like nurses and teachers.

Is there an event(s) that affected you in childhood/adolescence that impacted your identity in a positive or negative way? My parent’s divorce was positive in that my father was abusive, but it also thrust us into a life of near poverty for a long time.

Have you ever dieted? I stopped dieting when I was 18 and realized that whenever I dieted I began to obsess about food.

Are you happy and/or comfortable with your weight? Yes.

Would you describe yourself as someone with “body issues?” If so, when do you remember this starting? What do you attribute it to? I don’t have body issues. And I was a fat kid. I think I early on realized that if I defined my self by appearances I would be pretty miserable, so I cultivated other talents.

What do you wish your mother had told you about marriage, life, anything…that you didn’t hear from her? I learned everything I needed to know by seeing a bad marriage in action. I always knew I would choose my spouse carefully.

What role did your father play in your childhood? He was the cop. The authority figure.

What was your relationship like with your father? He was the general, I was the private.

How do you feel about aging? For the most part, ok. I like to think I’m getting a little wiser.

How do you feel about plastic surgery? I would never have plastic surgery, and I feel sorry for celebrities that don’t even look like themselves anymore.

How do you feel about the sexualizing of young women in our society? I think it is very sad and disturbing.

Did your mother or another caretaker talk to you about sex and what to expect? No.

How was your first sexual experience? Positive.

Is marriage liberating or inhibiting sexually? I really love my husband, so for me marriage is good.

What makes you feel sexy? A good hair day.

Do you have the energy/desire for sex at the end of the day? It varies.

What turns you on? Someone else cooking.

What would make your sex life better? Less life stress.

What do you love about being a working mom? I’m in a special situation because I work part time. I love the authority and respect I experience as a professional. In class, I get to talk and people listen. I get to be the expert – and no one questions my expertise. I also like having an interest that is not about me or my children.

What are the challenges of being a working mom? Again, my situation is unique. My challenges are more professional. I’m not tenure track, which is my choice, but it means I get paid less, I’m sort of an outsider in the academy, and I have fewer options to grow my career.

If you had a choice to be at home with your children, would you? I’m glad that I don’t have to make that choice. I really like what I do.

Was the decision an economic one (e.g., your family requires two incomes)? The money is great, but the decision was more personal. I’d been home for five years, and I was really beginning to drown. I found it easy to become self- and family- absorbed when I wasn’t working. It really wasn’t healthy for me.

Do you beat yourself up for not spending enough time with your kids? No. I’m home when they’re home.

Do you feel supported by your partner? Yes.

Do you feel supported by other women? Yes.

Do you see evidence of “The Mommy Wars” in your everyday life? No.

Do you feel valued in your workplace? I do in my department, but I’m very lucky and I might not feel that way everywhere.

Do you feel valued at home? I think I am valued, but I don’t always feel valued. I often feel like the Sherpa.

Do you believe a happy, fulfilled mom is a better mom whether her choice is to work outside the home or to stay at home with her children? Yes.

Can women do it all? It will not be easy, but I think you have to try otherwise you will shrivel up and die. I think education is the key for a lot of women because in my experience the more education you have the more choices you make. There are not a lot of people with PhDs, so I can work in a great job part time. I know attorneys who’ve found the same balance.

How old are your children? 11 and 13.

What do you want to do differently with your children than what you received from your parents? Well I was physically abused by my father, and I decided when I was ten that I would never hit my children. And I never have.

What would you like to carry on that your parents established with you? I feel that my mother tried very hard to be there for us, and hope that my children will be able to say that about me.

How has having children changed the relationship with your partner? I appreciate him more. In a crisis, I’m the chicken with its head cut off type, but my husband stays very calm and focused.

Do you have dates with your partner? Not very often. I wish we had more.

Do you have personal “ME” time scheduled every week/every day? It is not scheduled per se, but I try and meditate most days, even if only for 15 minutes.

How do you combat stress? I’ve been taking a great meditation class for a year, and I love it. I also exercise.

Do you get out regularly with girlfriends? I try to have lunch with a friend most weeks, and I often walk with friends. It’s very important to me because I think I have hermit tendencies.

Has it been challenging to retain a separate sense of self from your role as mother & wife? No. It’s all integrated, and not in a bad way.

What do you do to facilitate that? Does your partner help make that happen? My work facilitates that, and so does my writing, especially my blog, where I try not to talk about my family very much.

Do you help create personal space for your partner? I try.

Does your partner share in household tasks? Not as much as he used to because he works really long hours. But he helps when he’s around.

Are you happy and/or fulfilled with your life? Why? Generally, yes. I have a great husband, wonderful kids, and I love my work. I work part time at CSULA and I write, and I feel incredibly privileged to do things I like.

What did you dream of being when you were a child? A mom.

Was getting married/partnered a conscious goal or focus early on in your adulthood? Probably. We played house a lot.

What do you yearn for? A life without fear.

How did you think your life would be when you got married? How do you feel now? I don’t know. I don’t think marriage it that hard because, in the end, I did choose well. I think parenting is that hard, and I don’t think I expected that.





Thank you, Margaret.

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The Motherscribe Interviews are closed for comments. For more about Margaret, please find her on Finnegan Begin Again.

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She remembers wanting and needing the attention of boys from the beginning

It is only now, because she has a daughter of her own, that she sees her life with the benefit of some distance. She can pull out the volumes cached in her heart, opening them up with tenderness for her own little girl lost. As is always the case, having a child reflects back that which is most difficult to acknowledge. And own.

She remembers wanting and needing the attention of boys from the beginning. Perhaps starting at age 4. Life was full of other things, yet the obsession...and it was an obsession, started early. Her diaries describe her life in highs and lows, all related to a particular boy. And then another boy. And another. Not much else lives in those small books bound by lock and tiny key. As if her life did not exist between loves.

Her first full-out crush was on an older boy. He was 18 and she was 8. She fell for him when she was cast in the show "Carnival." He was the male lead. She, a small gypsy child.

During the run her passion for him grew. He was kind to her, and seemed not to notice her blushes, and enraptured eyes, ever larger whenever he approached. She nearly swooned every night when he lifted her up in his strong arms and placed her on the well, his rich baritone filling the auditorium. When the show ended, she got up all of her courage and asked him for his autograph. Later, at home, she framed it with Popsicle sticks and hung it in her room. She doesn't remember whether it was her idea, or her mother's, but she wrote him a letter declaring her feelings of admiration and left it in his mailbox. He never replied.

Wherever she went there was always a boy. Once when her family was staying at a hotel in Nairobi, she met a boy her age from Australia. She's not sure whether it was his accent, or the way he looked at her, but she does remember the titillation of chaste kisses deep in the bushes behind the hotel. Her diary speaks of love found. She was 9 years old. She wrote to him... once.

She was never THE IT GIRL, but she fit in well, made friends and continued her life of knowing that a boy's attention was glorious. And filling. Except when it was a boy whom she didn't like. Like that. But...those boys always seemed to find her. Perhaps it was because she was a nice girl. They mistook friendliness for interest. And somehow, she always paid for it. Once walking home from school the boy pelted her with oranges. Hard. Again and again. She remembers how salty her tears felt, slipping into her mouth. And the stickiness of the orange pulp soaking through her shirt. At home, when she changed, she noticed her back covered with red welts. She didn't say anything. She was 11.

It was in her 13th year that she was truly beautiful - caught between childhood and womanhood. Her Barbie dolls lovingly put away, to make way for other things. It was a beauty that men recognized and noticed, and caused her discomfort. Because she was aware that something had changed...yet, she was the same on the inside. There was innocence there behind her saucer eyes, and body still on the verge. Sometimes they stared and made smacking sounds in the air - calling out to her...HEY, BABY!

But, it was powerful when boys her age became aware of her. Suddenly she was a candidate for being the IT GIRL! Elevated to a higher rank within the walls of Junior High. She remembers the first day of school in that September of her 9th grade year. She had a new dress. It was red with white polka dots, short, with a scooped neck. A full skirt, cinched at the waist. Two boys from her grade, sat and watched her walk across the length of the courtyard. It may have been her first entrance.

WOW, get a load of her!

She's really changed this summer!

And so, she felt validated. It was to be just a few years later in which the line between being in life and being on stage were to become blurred.

********Painting titled: The Artist's Studio by Zoe Hadley.

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Motherscribe is looking for the male perspective...ladies, questions you'd like to ask?

If we are to understand the full complexity of what feminism and gender roles mean to our culture at large, it is important to get the male perspective. Perhaps delve into what it means to be a man. Here. Today. What the objectification of girls and women is doing to the males in our lives. And does our society encourage men to be both violent and predatory?

Motherscribe is looking for the male perspective. If you're male and interested in being interviewed, please leave a message in the comments.

Ahem....this does not mean that women cannot comment, too. Ladies? Thoughts on the male perspective? Questions you'd like to ask?

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And what is our culture doing to our precious boys?

It is important to recognize that objectifying girls and women affects boys. And what is our culture doing to our precious boys? They are just as fragile and malleable as our girls. Perhaps the biggest action we can take, is not to ONLY focus on our girls. Because we recognize the problem with our girls. It's everywhere. You can't make a trip to the grocery store without being assaulted with visual images - whether on billboards, magazines and in the way girls are dressing.

So, how can we raise our boys to respect their sisters, their mothers, their friends? I think that is where we have to start. Not just with our girls, but with our boys. Not only do we have to be their filters, but we have to have age appropriate discussions with them, and start the conversation. And we have to shake ourselves awake - out of our inertia, brush off our laziness or reluctance to address this, and go after the media where we can. Our children's self esteem is on the line here. And if things are going to change it has to start with us.

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The Motherscribe Interview Series: the 8th interview...

My 8th interview is with Gina. She is 44 and lives in Washington State. She is married, has 4 children, and is a stay-at-home mom. She has a blog called GINAAGAIN, AND AGAIN, AND AGAIN.


What does the word feminist mean to you? Has the meaning changed over time? The word feminist brings to mind my Great Grandmother. She was a woman ahead of her times and my first impression of what it means to be a feminist. She was a divorced single mother, a union organizer, and a shop foreman in a Chicago factory. Unfortunately she was also a hard drinking, self absorbed woman who sent her daughter to live with any relative or friend who would take her and often forgot to visit. Paired with this personal example are the memories of young feminists from my childhood. Bra burning, angry marches, strident declarations of men as the enemy… did I mention I lived on a college campus from 1966 to 1971? Feminists scared me.

Do you consider yourself a feminist? No, because to me a feminist is someone who is fighting to make women’s rights the most important issue. I believe that people’s rights are diminished when one group fights for the spotlight.

Would others consider you a feminist? I have been called a feminist by people who know that I am not afraid to speak my mind but those who don’t know me well see a pretty traditional stay at home mother.

What was the greatest gift of the women’s movement? Freedom to seek equal education and employment opportunities was the greatest gift.

What was the greatest failure of the women’s movement? Society has devalued the women who chose not to take advantage of those opportunities. Additionally our society has devalued the importance of taking care of children, the sick, and the elderly.

Did your mother work outside the home? Yes, but quite unwillingly. She would have chosen a completely different life for herself.

How did that affect you growing up? It affected so many aspects of my childhood that it has taken me years to sort through it. My Mother had no education and no formal training when she was suddenly a single parent with three little children. She had never planned on being anything other than a Mother but she quickly rose to a position of authority.

What impression did that leave with you about women working outside the home? My mother was good at her job but she wasn’t able to “do it all” so someone had to pick up the slack. I was the eldest and it became my job to do a good portion of the homemaker’s duties. I cooked and cleaned (rather poorly I should add) and supervised my brothers before and after school. That responsibility weighed heavily on me. My impression was that there needed to be an adult in the home and if it wasn’t a parent it would have to be one of the kids.

Did your father respect your mother? No. Not only did he not respect her but he criticized any of my character traits that reminded him of her.

Did your mother respect your father? No, but she tried to stay quiet about it until I was an adult.

Who were your earliest female role models other than your mother?My Grandmother and my Aunts.

What did you dream of being when you were a child? I don’t remember dreaming of being anything other than grown up and on my own.

What do you yearn for? Greater self-confidence.

Was getting married/partnered a conscious goal or focus early on in your adulthood? No, it really wasn’t. I was surprised by my sudden and complete attachment to Bob.

Is there an event(s) that affected you in childhood/adolescence that impacted your identity in a positive or negative way? All sorts of things affected how I grew up but there was one major event that shunted me off of the path that life had put me on and changed my outlook in a major way. I grew up trying to get my fathers attention, and failing. It’s no surprise that as I matured I gravitated toward relationships that weren’t healthy. However, when I was 17 it was discovered that I had a few large ovarian cysts (football sized to be exact) and I needed surgery to remove them. During my recovery from that surgery I was pressured by my boyfriend to resume some activities that I had been told not to engage in. I had a talk with my gynecologist about this and, rather than just giving me information about when those activities could resume, he sat down and really talked to me about what was going on. We talked about relationships and choices and self-worth and he told me I didn’t have to settle for a guy who didn’t care enough to give me time to heal. When I told my boyfriend that he would have to wait six more weeks, because the doctor said so, he broke up with me. I didn’t go out with another guy for over a year and I spent a lot of that year thinking about who I wanted to be. When I started dating again I was a different person.

A few years ago I wrote that doctor, who I hadn’t seen since I was eighteen, and thanked him. He wrote back saying that he remembered me and was pleased to know that he had done the right thing.

Have you ever dieted? Yes, but not obsessively.

Are you happy and/or comfortable with your weight? I am not comfortable with my weight because I know that I’m too heavy to be healthy and I want to be healthy. However, although I would love to weigh a lot less, I don’t hate my body. It’s dependable and strong. I don’t have the aches and pains that seem to afflict so many women my age.

Would you describe yourself as someone with “body issues?” I think I am lucky to have this body even if it isn’t perfect.

How do you feel about the sexualizing of young women in our society? Sexualizing of children, because it’s not just young women anymore, makes me angry. Attracting sexual attention is easy... even earthworms can do it. The societal pressure to be sexy before little bodies are physically ready for sex is wrong and interferes with a natural progression of attachment that would eventually lead to healthy partnerships. Childhood is for figuring out how to get along, who to trust, and learning to form strong friendships. If children are led to believe that sexual attention is the most important thing to focus on they won’t build a sound foundation for adult relationships.

What do you wish your mother had told you about marriage, life, anything…that you didn’t hear from her? What I needed to hear was not something she could have told me… I wish I had known that some people are truly dependable and it’s ok to depend on them. I feel that I have wasted a huge portion of my life hiding in a suit of armor making safe choices rather than trusting those around me.

What role did your father play in your childhood? My Father was pretty uninvolved but I idolized him. He was a full time student and spent most of his time at school or in the lab in the years that he lived with us. To me he was a larger than life character… smarter, younger and handsomer than my friends Fathers.

What was your relationship like with your father? When I was young I was desperate for his attention, as a teen I hated him for denying me that attention, as an adult I have finally come to understand that he is incapable of giving me what I need.

How do you feel about aging? I’m mostly ok with it. I joke a lot about being an old lady but I am not afraid of it. So far the weirdest thing about aging is what I call the Fiddler on the Roof syndrome… every time I turn around one of my kids has grown up.

How do you feel about plastic surgery? I think I’m a little slow in matters of vanity… like 30 years behind. I’m still trying to get into the habit of wearing make-up regularly. I’ll probably get around to thinking about plastic surgery in my 70’s. I would like to have a breast reduction but that has more to do with comfort than vanity.

Did your mother or another caretaker talk to you about sex and what to expect? Nope. Mostly I learned about sex while suffering from insomnia during visits to my Father’s house. His study doubled as my bedroom and he had a variety of illuminating medical texts (because he was in medical school). My mother’s sex talk was “I expect you to be a virgin when you get married.” and she made sure I had very few opportunities to break her rules. Her warning came a little late though.

How was your first sexual experience? Hmm… difficult question. There were actually many experiences, some awful and some enjoyable, prior to my first experience of full intercourse… but that first time was painful and frightening. Looking back I can see that I really wasn’t ready and gave in to pressure.

Is marriage liberating or inhibiting sexually? Finding the right partner liberated me. I didn’t know sex was more than a physical experience until I met Bob. Marrying him just meant that I didn’t have to hide from my mother anymore.

What makes you feel sexy? I feel sexy after spending time doing something physical like gardening or working out.

Do you have the energy/desire for sex at the end of the day? Desire, absolutely. Energy, not always.

What turns you on? Time alone, music, a warm day, snuggling, a nap... I’m actually pretty easy.

What would make your sex life better? More free time.

Why did you decide to be a stay-at-home mom? Our oldest son had behavioral issues from birth. By the time he was two we had been asked to remove him from several daycares. We decided that we had to find a way to be home with him so Bob took a job in South Dakota that allowed him to work from home part of the time. I was able to stop working and stay home full time because the cost of living in South Dakota was so much less than where we were living in California. It was a radical change.

Do you see evidence of “The Mommy Wars” in your everyday life? I don’t see women attacking each other for choosing to work or stay home although I’m sure it exists. I have seen many incidences of women being snobbish about people who choose to do things differently than they do. My current best example is the gymnastics “team moms” at my daughter’s gym. They are very involved in the sport and look down on the parents whose children are not competitive gymnasts. Conversely, those who aren’t “team moms” can get pretty snarky about the over emphasis of competition. Honestly, I think it’s very common for women to gossip and snub one another. It’s a character flaw that I am trying to overcome.

Do you consider it a job? Do you feel that you are valued? I don’t consider it a job. You can take vacations from jobs, you can leave your work and go home at night, you can quit a job that isn’t fulfilling your needs, you can even curse out an abusive boss and storm out of a job without any warning, and they will find someone else to do your job. Motherhood is not a job. It is lifestyle choice, and you never, ever, get to shrug it off and trust that you are replaceable.

Do you feel supported by your partner? Completely. He supports the stay at home Mom and the Woman who occasionally surfaces and stomps around demanding that there must be more from life than cooking, cleaning and taking care of other people. He helps me to dream and then encourages me to reach for those dreams.

Do you feel supported by other women? The problem with having a difficult child is that other women often sit in judgment of you. I think this is often because they are so afraid that their child might end up like yours. Since there are ten years between my oldest and youngest children I had a unique opportunity to see the mommy social scene as two completely different people. (Playgroups, preschool and kindergym aren’t just for the tots after all.) The first time I was the parent with the difficult child and I was very lonely. While the other mommies chatted I was the frazzled woman with finger paint in her hair. I can’t blame them for not warming up to me… my attention was completely focused on keeping my child from painting their children. Ten years later I had three kids in school and number four was a social butterfly who missed her siblings. So, reluctantly, I did the playgroup/ kindergym thing again. But what a different experience it was. I actually made friends, teachers praised my child, and other women asked for my advice. It was profoundly disorienting for awhile. I hadn’t realized how much nicer being a SAHM is when you have the support of other women.

What do you love about being a SAHM? Being here when one of the kids needs a sounding board, a shoulder to cry on, a hug, or someone to growl at who won’t growl back. I also love all the messy art projects.

Is there a dark side of being a SAHM? It is very easy to get your self-worth tangled up with your children’s success. As my children sprint toward adulthood I am working on discovering myself.

What was your career before you had children? I was a purchasing agent for an electronics manufacturer.

Has it been hard to let go of that identity? Or you still identify with that role? I don’t think I really identified with that role even when I was working. It was a job. I did it well. But I wanted to write.

If you had a choice to return to work, would you? I did return to work a year ago and it was an interesting experience. I didn’t have any trouble transitioning and I found there were things I really enjoyed about working but I missed my kids, I missed having free time, and I missed having the freedom to sit down and write when the urge hit me.

Do you believe a happy, fulfilled mom is a better mom whether her choice is to work outside the home or to stay at home with her children? Absolutely! We are individuals and there isn’t a single choice that is best for everyone.

Can women do it all? Why doesn’t anyone ever ask if men can do it all? The answer should be the same regardless of gender. I think the definition of “it all” changes with the situation. There are a lot of things that could be done that we can choose to ignore because we are busy. For instance, when I was working I still managed to get the laundry, grocery shopping, and housecleaning done, but if I wanted to write I had to choose to let something slide or go without sleep. It was definitely possible but not much fun. Sometime in that year of working I began to understand that I would rather have fun than have it all.

How old are your children? 19, 15, 13 and 10

What do you want to do differently with your children than what you received from your parents? I want my children to know that I don’t have preset ideas of who they should be. I want them to follow their own dreams and know that I love them for who they are not what they are.

What would you like to carry on that your parents established with you? My Mother loved to surprise us with silliness. She would come home from work on a Friday night and declare that we were having a party and give us ice cream for dinner. She sang crazy songs and dressed up for Halloween. Once she and my Uncle dressed as old people and went to the airport to pick up my Aunt just to make her laugh. She could be so much fun. Although I’m different from my Mom I want my kids to have some silly memories of me too. They love to make fun of my dorky dancing so I’m guessing my grandkids will hear stories of that.

How has having children changed the relationship with your partner? Having children taught me that I could trust him to be there and still trying to make me laugh through the worst times. As the children get older I have learned to appreciate the role of a Father in my daughter’s lives. I am so proud of what a great Dad he is… even when they roll their eyes and act like he’s an idiot.

Do you have dates with your partner? Not really. We are boring homebodies. Our version of date night is kicking the kids out of the family room so we can watch an R rated movie.

Do you have personal “ME” time scheduled every week/every day? I don’t have “me” time scheduled but I do seem to have plenty of it. Since Bob works from home, I feel a little spoiled if I do something just for me during the day but when he travels I goof off a lot.

How do you combat stress? I write, I read, and lately I’ve been doing a lot of craft projects. However, if I’m really stressed I clean things. My middle son calls it “Mom’s stress OCD” and says that he gets nervous if he comes home and the house is super clean because he knows that means I’m upset.

Do you get out regularly with girlfriends? I will occasionally have lunch with a friend but it’s not a regular thing. This is partly because we have moved so often that I don’t have a large social group.

Has it been challenging to retain a separate sense of self from your role as mother & wife? Actually it hasn’t been challenging at all for me to hold on to who I am. The challenging part has been finding time away from being a wife and mother but it’s getting easier as the kids get older.

What do you do to facilitate that? Does your partner help make that happen? If I am absorbed in something my family knows to leave me alone. I don’t usually get grumpy I just sort of check out. They know that I’m not really there and they give up on getting through to me. Bob certainly helps… he doesn’t really have a choice because I may as well be on another planet.

Do you help create personal space for your partner? I try to make sure he is able to do his own thing. He has the advantage of having an office with a door and he will go in there and close the door if he needs to. Also… I have fully supported his right as the Dad to fall asleep while watching a hockey game and know that no one will sneak in and turn on cartoons. (This may seem silly but it’s important to him.)

Does your partner share in household tasks? He has always done his part around the house. He was injured in a car accident last fall and hasn’t been able to cook or clean for the last six months… I really miss his help.

Are you happy and/or fulfilled with your life? Why? I am satisfied and content with most aspects of my life. There is a certain amount of unhappiness and areas that still need attention before I can say I’m fulfilled… but those are primarily problems that I could resolve with some motivation.

How did you think your life would be when you got married? How do you feel now? I had no idea what to expect. I just wanted to live with my best friend and I still feel that way. I don’t know what the future will be but I like who I’m spending it with.


Thank you, Gina.


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The Motherscribe Interviews are closed for comments. For more about Gina, please visit her at Ginaagain, and again, and again.

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The Motherscribe Interview Series: the 7th interview...

My 7th interview is with Christine. She is 34 years old and lives in Arizona. She is in a committed relationship. She has a blog called Flutter.


What does the word feminist mean to you? Has the meaning changed over time? Feminist to me, in a lot of ways means angry. The iconic visual of a feminist is a braless, hairy arm pitted woman yelling about the superiority of women. I know that people who consider themselves feminist don’t see themselves this way.

Do you consider yourself a feminist? No, I am humanist. I don’t care if you have a vagina or a penis, I want you to have the freedom and the support to live up to your potential.

Would others consider you a feminist? I don’t think so.

What are some images that come to mind when you think of the women’s movement? Sufferage was so crucial. I think, for me, I get irritated with the notion that there are women’s issues and men’s issues. I think of things in broader terms. We are all part of this experience.

What was the greatest gift of the women’s movement? The voice of women, as people and not as things.

What was the greatest failure of the women’s movement? The anger. Militant movements have never appealed to me.

Did your mother work outside the home? Yes.

How did that affect you growing up? I never had it any other way, I am not sure.

What impression did that leave with you about women working outside the home? I have always assumed that parents work. Mom or Dad.

Was your mother a homemaker? She worked, but she most assuredly made our home.

Did your father respect your mother? My father didn’t and doesn’t respect anyone.

Did your mother respect your father? Yes.

Who were your earliest female role models other than your mother? My sister and my grandmother.

Was getting married/partnered a conscious goal or focus early on in your adulthood? Yes, absolutely.

Is there an event(s) that affected you in childhood/adolescence that impacted your identity in a positive or negative way? I was brutally raped when I was 17. It changed everything about me.

Have you ever dieted? More times than I can count.

Are you happy and/or comfortable with your weight? No.

Would you describe yourself as someone with “body issues?” If so, when do you remember this starting? What do you attribute it to? I have always struggled with my body, but more so after I was raped. I have been striving to hide in my body ever since.

What do you wish your mother had told you about marriage, life, anything…that you didn’t hear from her? I wish she would have instilled the importance of love in marriage. To marry for love, not for any other reason.

What role did your father play in your childhood? Does asshole count? :P He was to be feared and respected.

What was your relationship like with your father? He was abusive and we as his family, were annoyances.

How do you feel about aging? It’s natural.

How do you feel about plastic surgery? If I had cash, I would have some procedures done. I am not adverse to people changing what they are not happy with.

How do you feel about the sexualizing of young women in our society? I believe we do the same thing to men. I don’t find prostitution, or stripping, or porn to be degrading to women. There are more insidious things in our daily lives that degrade women and people pay zero attention.

What do you do for a living? I am a massage therapist.

How do you combat stress? I write and eat wayyyyy too much.

Do you get out regularly with friends? No.

Did your mother or another caretaker talk to you about sex and what to expect? No, I learned about sex in school. Sex was a very taboo subject.

How was your first sexual experience? I was raped at 17. After that, I waited to have sex until I was 21. He was kind to me, but we didn’t last long.

Is marriage liberating or inhibiting sexually? Liberating, I think. The nervousness is long abated.

What makes you feel sexy? When he wakes me in the middle of the night, tells me I am beautiful.

Do you have the energy/desire for sex at the end of the day? Most of the time, no. But I do even if I don’t because I think sex is important to a relationship.

What turns you on? Kissing. Passion filled, slow, sexy kissing is beyond hot.

What would make your sex life better? Less predictability.


Do you enjoy being single? I am only single in the respect that I am not married. I am in a relationship.

Would you like to get married at some point? Absolutely.

What are you looking for in a mate? Emotional support, humor, kindness, intelligence. Someone who understands that I am a nut.

Do you feel that if you were married your life would be complete? No, completion comes from within.

Would you like children? Why? Yes. I would love to care for and to nurture a little life.

Are you afraid of having children and that changing you/your life? I am not at all afraid of children, I would love to have some.

What did you dream of being when you were a child? A writer and a singer.

Are you happy and/or fulfilled with your life? Why? No, I don’t feel like I have made enough progress to be happy just yet and I am not entirely sure I am living up to my potential enough to feel fulfilled.

What do you yearn for? The confidence to be bold and to chase my potential.


Thank you, Christine.


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Comments are closed for The Motherscribe Interviews. For more about Christine, please visit her on her blog Flutter.

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