Friday, January 29, 2010

How to get the WAND in 30 minutes or less... a tutorial

What is the WAND?
A hint...there is nothing twinkly about this wand. It doesn't light up or glow with happiest place on earth cheer. Although it might be made in China... Still unsure? Bibbity-Bobbity-Boo? No. How about ... I'll get you my pretty, and your Big Girl Va Jay Jay, too!

If you are still clueless about the WAND, JCK would like to educate you. Having left WAND virginity long ago, in a land far, far away, JCK has been WANDED more times than the average gal.

The WAND is a tool. A long, unbending object that aims to go where you would rather it didn't. Lest one be wary of contracting an anti-social disease, a condom is used. There is nothing life-like about this WAND. It is made of hard, solid, plastic, and is attached to a machine by a dangling wire. Can JCK hear an...**ooohhh****ooohhh?

Why would one get the wand?
Aside from "just for kicks," the WAND can be used during infertility treatments to gauge the growth and size of follicles (containing eggs) that occur after a rather large amount of hormones. This use of the WAND would be in the category of hope and excitement. As JCK knows well, if a miracle baby is at the other end, it is worth the WANDING. However, the WAND can also be used for other purposes. Say....for detecting fibroids or cysts. Fun stuff like that.

JCK believes in spreading the good news. So, JCK will take you through her experience. It is a story that is up close and personal. Otherwise known as getting the WAND.

The Dress Code:
Oh, golly, gee...what to wear? Of course it is up to you, but JCK prefers jeans over dresses for this type of experience. By the time you leave, you'll have had enough of a Wow Nelly! breeze across your buttocks, and won't feel like being free and easy below the waist. Running shoes are best for a quick exit when done.

The Prep:
You will be given instructions. Undress from the waist down, and put the "robe" on with the opening in the front. Open. In. The. Front. They do not exaggerate. The robe in question is still open in the front, after you tie the strings. In fact, it cannot attract more wind gusts than if your robe were... a sail. Indeed.
And, inevitably there is always that friendly sailor just outside the dressing room, so smile.

The Wanding:
You will be ushered into an understated room in shades of gray and pale gray. You will be asked to climb up on a cot with wheels, otherwise known as a stretcher. After the technician places a small sheet across your upright knees for modesty, otherwise known as WHY BOTHER?, you will be asked to lift your fanny to the sky so that she can place a rolled towel underneath your hips. This enables your nether regions to better salute the ceiling.

The Incorrect Way:
It is after you are in this comfortable position that you must pay attention, for the wand descends between your legs and halts at the entrance. It is most important to note that the WAND be at the correct entry point, for a lubricated WAND can go into a myriad of dark, happy homes. Yes. It. Can.

Excuse Me! You are entering my bottom!.... is a possible scenario.

Er...OOPs... So sorry... says the technician with 10 years of work experience wielding the WAND.

Hahahaha...Nervous laughter ensues.

Hark! Do not miss this opportunity for a mutual chuckle over the wandering, wayward WAND.

The Correct Way:
Once the WAND has the correct entrée, your technician will say, "Now, you will feel a little pressure.

It's not too bad, you convince yourself.

The word RAMROD comes to mind.

It is good to keep breathing. Perhaps you can reflect on what an amazing thing the vaginal canal is... So accommodating to a variety of ...WANDS.

Then, if you are lucky, the technician brings you back by saying, O.K. we're done. You will feel a little pressure as I take this out.

Again with the pressure! Oy!

Always ready to help, you will show off all of your hard work practicing your Kegel exercises. Finally they have a purpose! So, you help eject the WAND by the force of your own vagina.

The After:
All is well. It is over! You can shuffle to the bathroom, where you will discover that the WAND's lubricant has been applied with, perhaps...a spatula? Indeed, you wonder how much lubricant was utilized. You contribute to the downfall of the planet, by believing more is better when it comes to toilet tissue. Twenty minutes later you emerge. Somewhat drier.

You collect your clothes from the locker. You dress, throwing your clothes back on with careless abandon. You walk out through the waiting room, hoping it is just you who hears a SQUOOSH, SQUOOSH sound every time your legs separate to take a step. You make it to the elevator, sharing a ride with a variety of characters. All of whom do not look happy. Perhaps not a good time to shout:

How can they call it a WAND?!! Where's the magic? The glitter dust?

It is not a shared moment. Vacant stares. A quick exit to the street.

Aftercare Instructions:
You will go home and put a sign around your waist for your husband's benefit.

All openings have been filled. No WANDS need apply.



JCK hopes that this tutorial has been helpful.






******

It is to be noted that JCK is fine. There are no burgeoning eggs, nor things to worry about. All is well.


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13 comments:

Suzanne said...

OMG, I really wasn't sure what you were talking about until half-way through....or should I say I thought you were talking about a different kind of 'wand'.....

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

And after you do all of this they tell you it is really an imperfect screening method for ovarian cancer--which is why I had mine. Not a pleasant experience at all.

LN said...

Hilarious and accurate. You are David Sedaris for moms! (PS. It's me, Ellen C)

Manic Mommy said...

I've missed you! I'm laughing so hard.

I've never experienced the joys of The Wand. Merely those associated with The Speculum - and what truly does feel like an entire tube of KY Jelly. Ah the glamour of womanhood...

Glad all is well.

Liv said...

I was wanting to tell you that some wands are cordless these days, but then realized that wasn't the wand of which you speak. Am so happy to report that at this point, my erstwhile follicle is really quite mature and a WAND is no longer necessary for scoping it out. The wand has seen many a thing--cervical dysplasia, eggs, placenta, ovaries and yet, I don't really ever recall feeling satisfied by the experience. I do think there should be parting gifts for the WAND's friends. I mean, we should get something in exchange for the kick the WAND certainly gets, right?

Jen said...

I wish I could say that I laughed at this, but apparently I'm still not at the point of being able to laugh about it. I will say that it made me want to go hug my kid, and hug him, and hug him, and hug him some more.

Texasholly said...

I prefer my wands to be sparkly, magical and spread pixie dust...well, not down there. That would just be weird.

Kalynne Pudner said...

Between wanding and Brazilian waxing, I do declare -- what would my feminine education be without my California friends!

g said...

"Now, you will feel a little pressure.

They ALWAYS say this, don't they???

Arrrrggggh!

phd in yogurtry said...

Ah, the never ending joys of feminine accoutrements. Have not heard of, let alone experienced, the magic of this wand. Is this something I will inevitably experience? Or only if particular symptoms develop?

Mighty Morphin' Mama said...

Oh great. I did not realize there would be more opportunities for wanding in my future, the only wanding I have had to date was to confirm that my unborn child had no heartbeat. ugh.

Thanks for finding the smiles in such an uncomfortable situation!

painted maypole said...

well, at least you managed to make that horrific sounding experience funny

ruth pennebaker said...

This is so funny, Jennifer. I've been spared this experience, but your account made me laugh *and* tear up.

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