Friday, January 8, 2010

Alone! Clutching her Tarjay gift certificate close to her bosom

Imagine if you will, JCK sauntering into Tarjay. It is a rare morning in which she can arrive at Tarjay before 8:20am. The parking is plentiful. She is full of good will toward men, most of whom are not in the building.

It is just JCK. Alone! Clutching her Tarjay gift certificate close to her bosom. All seems well with the world. Especially when she picks a cart, and HARK! the wheels move like well oiled machines. Instead of one of those carts that starts acting up about 100 yards into the store. You know that cart. n'est-ce pas?Moving close to the speed of light, because you have 1 hour to get in and out of the store, and pick up your child from preschool, when suddenly, out of nowhere, the cart STOPS on a dime, and the handle slams into your midsection. OOF! And, the blow is so powerful, that you can only squeak out a muted FUCK!!! You then lurch about like a drunken sailor, red of face, and gasping for breath...and by the time you return to the cart area, and choose another cart, you are too tired to shop. But, JCK digresses....

Let it be said that JCK is not a natural shopper. But, she feels unnaturally comfortable at Tarjay. Sadly. It is home away from home. JCK's life with two children aged 6 and 5 is almost all about practicality. Tarjay is practical, and occasionally, if JCK gets lucky, even ...dare she say it? Hip! JCK does have very strong Scottish roots. Mmmmm...perhaps that is why she is partial to a muscular rump under cotton, strong calves, and that Scottish brogue that makes JCK feel like she is lying naked on velvet...waiting.

At Christmas, JCK was lucky enough to get this cherished gift certificate, which she holds so close to her bosom, from her husband E. It was painful for him. E. To buy her a gift certificate at Tarjay. You see, E is more of a Lordstrom's kind of guy. Now, JCK has nothing against Lordstrom's. She has adored previous gifts that E bought her there. However, JCK really, really needs a few essentials, and she would rather buy 8 items at Tarjay than 1.5 items at Lordstrom's. Scottish.

Good fortune appears to continue for JCK on this beauteous day. Indeed, she is no sooner in the women's section than she begins to thrust clothing items into her cart. Blouses, jeans, je ne sais quois.... JCK believes it is vital to fill one's cart, make your way to the dressing room, and get it over with. Ahhh...yes, the dressing room. Where one changes. Harsh lighting, mirrors everywhere, it IS like waiting in the stirrups for the OB/GYN to enter. However, it must be done. Every single pair of JCK's jeans have holes. Large ones. JCK's knees play peek-a-BOOM. She has no jeans. And, JCK without jeans is akin to well... a Scotsman without his kilt. Not that there is anything wrong with that.

JCK has in hand 5 pairs of jeans. E, bless him, has been mentioning that he believes that JCK would look good in low rise, bell bottoms. JCK believes that this particular style of jeans is not for her. JCK is fully into her womanhood, and feels confident in her own ability to choose her jeans. However, just for kicks, she tries on a few pairs of low rider, bell bottom young woman's jeans. Although JCK is on the smaller side, and can fit into these young woman's jeans, the look is ...totally unacceptable. The rear not only flattens JCK's already descending derriere, but there is a poofy, pouch effect in back at the waist. Almost as if JCK is a Kangaroo in reverse. And, if JCK sits down, the back slides down so low as to reveal her....full bodied underwear. No, it will not do! So, JCK moves on. Quickly. Some shuddering is involved.

She tries on womanly jeans. Fit solutions. Slimming style. Stretch denim. No-Gap Waistband. Mid Rise. Boot Cut. They are delicious. Comfortable. Flattering. JCK gets 3. She tosses a few blouses into the shopping cart, and she is done. She soars over to the check-out, still clutching her Tarjay gift certificate to her heaving bosom. Success! She swaggers out. With change in her pocket. All is right with JCK's world. For today...

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  1. I forever wanted a pair of "Seven For All Man Kind" Jeans. I waited until I could somewhat afford them. Which happened to be after my husband decided to knock me up 3 times in 3 years. Low rise jeans are not for the flabby bellied. No matter how thin you are. Momma's got have something to suck you in.
    Glad you found a treasure!

  2. Oh, those damned carts. Controlling one is sometimes harder than maneuvering an M-60 tank.

    And new blue jeans? The most thrilling fashion purchase of all. Get those suckers and you know you're gonna get lots of use out of them. I have a tough time finding jeans that give me enough leg room, however, so I'm rarely in a celebratory mood after the fitting room aerobics. Levi's 540's used to be my standby. Haven't seen those in awhile, though.

  3. Jealous. I am jealous. Glad you had a good day!

  4. Oh how I love Tarjay. And this post. perfect

  5. Funny post! I feel this way at Tarjay too sometimes.

    And the good news for you and all women around the world is that....EVERYONE looks horrible in those kind of young woman's jeans.

    And I am now officially old.

  6. Thanks for reminding me I have a valuable Ralph's gift card, Jen!!

  7. Jeans, jeans jeans. I admit I am wearing a pair with some kind of fancy "tummy tuck" stitching in the front. I don't think it really does anything, but even knowing it's there is depressing.

    I don't have a big butt, but I have a thick waist.

    I used to be a 501s wearer....I wonder if it's worth a try again.

  8. oh a totally unrelated note, I love the word "bosom"

  9. I heart Target with a white hot passion. Where else can you one-stop-shop a kids' video, personal lubricant, and winter boots?

    (I remain bitter that low rise jeans came into such fashion after my own abs were decidedly out of fashion.)

  10. *hooray*
    You are gonna take a shot of your slim legs in those jeans ain't you? Say you will! Must be really flattering....

  11. Congratulations & Happy New Year!
    My DH used to buy me things at that famous "angelic" undie store...too much money for stuff that falls apart too quickly...give me Tarjay any day!
    Have to admit, Lovey got me a wonderful selection of art materials this year...let's see if I also get a few minutes to use them! New baby like to be held or nursed ALL THE TIME! LOL


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