Saturday, March 7, 2009

I find myself sinking

I sit again with myself on a winter's night. Cool air pooling around my ankles. So many books surround me. Someone else's dreams coming to fruition on my shelves. The evidence is here staring me in the face.

I yearn for that feeling after an orgasm, more than the orgasm itself. When hot fire creeps up through your toes and finishes just that tender spot at the nape of your neck...rapture. I want to feel the after. A high not reached by drowning in chocolate or sipping whiskey. Tea? Hell, no! Too sobering and serene. It is not serenity I want now, in this moment.

Do you ever feel like your timing is off? You show up to the show, but everyone has left the building? You missed it. The event of a lifetime! "Impossible to describe," they say. The way your life could have gone. For one night ONLY. Missed.

And now the oddest things make you cry. Reading to your children. The words to the story choking you, so that you have to pause and take a breath. Because they describe a life you'd like to have.

Then you hate yourself for wanting anything else.

I find myself sinking. The lure of quick sand sucking me down to that place of darkness. Always temporary. Yet, while here it seeps into my soul, and betrays my light. You, there! Self-Absorption! I see YOU gloating...

*****Painting titled: "Last Ride" by Chuck Gumpert.

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  1. Self absorption! I see YOU gloating!

    Those words alone are a poem.

  2. Writing like this is surely your life jacket. Keep those arms moving and those fingers typing.

  3. Even in your despair you realize you want what you have--and that means everything.

  4. Jenn nailed it. ^ Stay afloat; we're here.

  5. I read your blog regularly and must say you really speak to women. I was an at-home mom for 10 yrs, with 4 little ones at home. What you have expressed here, I distinctly remember feeling - once, twice, many times. Like you seem to sense, I knew that it was just a season, and as they say "this too shall pass", at some point it did.

    My kids are grown (youngest will graduate high school) and I have a "career", besides that of mom, but I cherish the time I had with them. And now it seems like it was so short.

    Thank you for your writings.

  6. Can I say I completely understand?! Completely.
    And the last three sentences--perfect!

  7. You've expressed yourself so well; I feel it come through. Not a nice place to be for sure.

    Writing about what we feel does help in some magical way. Eventually.

  8. oof. i've had those days. recently, in fact.

  9. I know... I know... Hang in there!

  10. Go here immediately:

    and read Kyran's post from Thursday March 5th, "Playground Friends", it's your future calling you.

  11. It's the shadows calling again. They're over here too. Hold them at bay.

    Life is what happens when you're busy making other plans. - John Lennon

  12. well expressed....I hate the shadow people.

  13. I feel like this so often, too often.

    Keep doing what you do so, or in a book draft, wherever you want it to take root. I'm cheering you on, J.

  14. I so get this. I SO get this.

    And you have expressed it beautifully.

  15. Motherscribe,

    I don't have children but I yearn for them. I feel like motherhood would complete my life and fill the gulf I have inside me, fill up my shadowy spaces. I guess that maybe it wouldn't reading that you still feel like you're missing out on life even though you have children, perhaps we always yearn for what we don't have. I can't see any better mark to leave on the world than to bring up the future generation though!

    I've come to the conclusion in my life that it's not what we have and what we've done, but who we are and how we enjoy life that matters. There is a quote which I can't remember about laughing often. It's true laughter is good medicine (I've posted a story about the healing power of laughter on my blog) but what I've found also is how wonderful it is to be able to blog my true feelings and my observations on life, plus the amazing feelings when I post a poem and people seem to like it. I've tackled some harsh subjects - see my blog to get some idea maybe?? (if not, fair enough - I'm not a hopeless marketeer, just I know what it's like to be working through issues and you'll see evidence of this on my blog that's all)

    Take care, and like the others say - hang in there!

    Your writing style is beautiful and lyrical and you paint some striking images, plus you picked a good picture!

  16. you're totally cool. i loved the orgasm and rapture part. oh, if only...

  17. "Then you hate yourself for wanting anything else."



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