Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Forgive me, children...

There are those days in which you wish you had dreamt it. The gnashing of teeth and brooding brow. The roiling stomach and pounding head. Yet, the realization occurs to you that this emotion is a choice and a path you have wandered down...

Today was such a day. From work obligations and tasks to constant interruptions, so that even the most simple of goals was broken into many layers. I wish I had the insight earlier. To know that this will pass, it is a phase, and only a moment in time. The minutia of a much bigger life not at odds.

It was not my finest hour. To pull over onto a side street and step out of the car. Telling my children I needed 2 minutes in which to breathe and not lose my temper. But, I already had. Perhaps I saved us all from some screaming. But, the power of the wrathful mother falls heavily upon small people. How I remember... I hope they don't.

I got back in the car. Driving to an activity that was not mine. Again. On another day, meaning nothing. Today...meaning the bitterness of someone whose needs were not met.

Parenting can be so bloody hard. I am good at it most days. But, there are some I wish had never seen the light of day. And, I'm sure my children feel the same...

Our night ended with soft, whispered stories and cuddles on the couch. It is that which I am left with, the earlier debacle... wisps of black smoke. Sometimes the quiet and moment to moment with my children is all that is needed to turn it around. A breathing space and memories shared. Forgive me, children...

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  1. Kids need to see us yell, and lose our patience, and get mad, and act ridiculous. They also need to see us make mistakes. Because how we fix the mistakes are some of the best lessons we can teach.
    It always amazes me that I can go from filled with rage, to overwhelming love in such a short amount of time with my little guy. Motherhood is crazy.

  2. I often think it would have been better if I had only had dogs.

  3. A parent who doesn't yell is a parent who doesn't feel. Or a parent who has nanny on call 24/7. Beautiful writing and sentiments I relate to perfectly. I do feel the life is sucked right out of me sometimes and then restored but sometimes not quick enough.

  4. I just love what Jen said. It's so very true.

  5. I had the very same type of day on Tuesday. Thank you for sharing yours; it is nice to know I am not alone.


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