JCK would like to say here and now, in THIS moment, that going back to work full-time has kicked her ass. There is no "proverbial ass" here, people, - as in going back to work has kicked JCK's proverbial ass. No, the ass kicking is real and stands alone. Going. back. to. work. has. kicked. JCK's. ass. Having kids less than 10 months apart, a husband, school committees, work responsibilities, family work, and such and such has left JCK hyperventilating on the side of the road.
A friend asked her recently if it is getting any easier to manage the work/family/life balance. JCK was so ready to shout YES!!! But, that word refused to leave her lips and linger in the twilight air. NO, JCK said. Not yet... (JCK believes that the use of the word "yet" is hopeful.)
JCK is 6 months in, and she is still stretching and reaching for that..."OK, I think I've got this down now. We've got a pretty good rhythm here."
There have been some BUMPY patches in the family work responsibilities, and JCK and her husband have struggled. To be fair, JCK's husband was hit with a lot of CHANGE. JCK is grateful that E.K. is giving JCK that bit of sanity that she clings to, and they are in it together. Methinks, JCK should grasp that little golden nugget drop of honeysuckle, and mark it as PROGRESS.
However, there are things happening in the Motherscribe household and outside the home that JCK is ashamed to admit. Things that would never happen "normally." JCK is still struggling to find that "normal."
What kinds of things you may ask? JCK knows that you are wanting her to fess up. Let's take just one example.... On school mornings, JCK is so focused on getting her children dressed, fed and out the door, that some mornings she has been just throwing on her clothes, a hat and sunglasses and driving them to school, with little thought for her own deshabille of horrific unkempt display.
JCK wonders at the scariness! of this on multiple levels:
- That she doesn't care enough
- That if anyone recognizes her, she will have to suck it up or pretend she doesn't know them
- Worse - that everyone DOES recognize her
- If she gets in a horrible car accident and her pants have to be peeled off her body...oh the shame of full pastures...
And, that's not all! JCK's dreams wont even leave her alone. Her unconscious is having a field day! Amazingly neurotic dreams abound! :
- JCK drives to the store and picks up laundry detergent - there's one! Except that later that day she really thinks she DID pick up laundry detergent...but it was only a dream.
- And, she doesn't show up for her daughter's activity - forgetting about her daughter! So, JCK wakes up and can't get back to sleep for fear that she WILL do that. Even when her common sense is saying she will NOT.
Isn't this GROOVY to be in the messed-up mind of JCK?! She is so glad that she can make you feel better about your own life. heh.
JCK is now going to repair to another room, where she's going to try something new. Breathing...
| Tweet |
|
|||
But you say you throw on clothes. That's a WIN right there. I have seen parents in pajamas in the drop off line.
ReplyDeleteI was a SAHM who actually DID forgot the "student of the month" presentation for my daughter (I was gardening). She survived!
ReplyDeleteIt's rough, hang in there.
It doesn't make me feel better about my life, it makes me think "Oh thank God, I'm not the only one going through this".
ReplyDeleteThose days are behind me, but believe me - I was there in the car behind you, the mom with the inside-out sweatpants on, with the coffee stain on her shirt.
ReplyDeletehang in there, JCK - you'll be OK.
Oh, the shame of full pastures...
ReplyDelete*Snort*
I think I know what you mean about all of this. Although full pastures for me don't quite have all of the same implications.
Hang in there!
Jennifer:
ReplyDeleteI'm just now getting to this (how did I miss this post??) and wanted to say, conclusively, how glad I am that you are still, simply, BREATHING. You've got a lot of plates to spin and as a woman who knows from the multiple plate-spinning drill, it's a tough magical act to keep afloat. Because it does become about staying afloat.
No responsibility to do everything perfect - or even right - no demand to be the perfect worker/wife/mother/grocery shopper, no expectation of infallibility in dealing with schools, activities or even writing. Because there's LIFE. And we ALL, really ALL of us, understand the ebbs and flows and twists and turns. It's a movable feast, isn't it?
And you're doing a stellar job. Simply because you're at the table taking care of your many plates with the aplomb that is you. Take the pressure off yourself. This, too, shall pass (says the mom whose son is now almost 20!) and it will seem like it flew by. Try to enjoy it as best you can and be as kind to yourself as you are to everyone else in your life. No one deserves it more than you!
We're all out here rooting for you. I don't care what your pants look like! :)
xxoo LDW