her own deshabille of horrific unkempt display

JCK would like to say here and now, in THIS moment, that going back to work full-time has kicked her ass. There is no "proverbial ass" here, people, - as in going back to work has kicked JCK's proverbial ass. No, the ass kicking is real and stands alone. Going. back. to. work. has. kicked. JCK's. ass. Having kids less than 10 months apart, a husband, school committees, work responsibilities, family work, and such and such has left JCK hyperventilating on the side of the road.

A friend asked her recently if it is getting any easier to manage the work/family/life balance. JCK was so ready to shout YES!!! But, that word refused to leave her lips and linger in the twilight air. NO, JCK said. Not yet... (JCK believes that the use of the word "yet" is hopeful.)

JCK is 6 months in, and she is still stretching and reaching for that..."OK, I think I've got this down now. We've got a pretty good rhythm here."

There have been some BUMPY patches in the family work responsibilities, and JCK and her husband have struggled. To be fair, JCK's husband was hit with a lot of CHANGE. JCK is grateful that E.K. is giving JCK that bit of sanity that she clings to, and they are in it together. Methinks, JCK should grasp that little golden nugget drop of honeysuckle, and mark it as PROGRESS.

However, there are things happening in the Motherscribe household and outside the home that JCK is ashamed to admit. Things that would never happen "normally." JCK is still struggling to find that "normal."

What kinds of things you may ask? JCK knows that you are wanting her to fess up. Let's take just one example.... On school mornings, JCK is so focused on getting her children dressed, fed and out the door, that some mornings she has been just throwing on her clothes, a hat and sunglasses and driving them to school, with little thought for her own deshabille of horrific unkempt display.

JCK wonders at the scariness! of this on multiple levels:

1. That she doesn't care enough
2. That if anyone recognizes her, she will have to suck it up or pretend she doesn't know them
3. Worse - that everyone DOES recognize her
   
4. If she gets in a horrible car accident and her pants have to be peeled off her body...oh the shame of full pastures...
   

And, that's not all! JCK's dreams wont even leave her alone. Her unconscious is having a field day! Amazingly neurotic dreams abound! :

1. JCK drives to the store and picks up laundry detergent - there's one! Except that later that day she really thinks she DID pick up laundry detergent...but it was only a dream.
   
   
2. And, she doesn't show up for her daughter's activity - forgetting about her daughter! So, JCK wakes up and can't get back to sleep for fear that she WILL do that. Even when her common sense is saying she will NOT.
   

Isn't this GROOVY to be in the messed-up mind of JCK?! She is so glad that she can make you feel better about your own life. heh.

JCK is now going to repair to another room, where she's going to try something new. Breathing...

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Reflections on New Year's Eve 2011

Midnight is closing in, as I sit here in the quiet- all of my loved ones asleep. My house is full of the scents of our Southern New Year - collards, bacon, corn bread... Though we are Californians now, the tradition remains to pass along. I am replete with both anticipation for our annual open house tomorrow and thoughts on riding out the year of 2011.

It seems a good time to reflect on all that has changed this year. I wrote less, but branched out more. I do miss the days of early blogging, when I rushed to the keyboard, adrenaline pumping... Those days are gone, but my passion for writing is still here. The fire is banked, the coals needing a bit of a fresh breeze to stir them. I'm hopeful that 2012 will bring more frequency of words upon the page.

I am conscious of the many blessings in my life - my husband and children, our health, and being gainfully employed.

There have been many changes this year for my family. In the fall I started working full-time, which has brought many good things. I am happy to be earning a real pay check again, and to be a financial partner to my husband. The shift hasn't been easy- it never is. We struggle to find our way, like all couples do, when the family work needs two shoulders leaning into it - to get it done.

It's been a long time since I've made any kind of New Year's Resolutions. This year I find myself wanting those intentions - to be kinder to my husband, to have more patience with my children, to schedule writing and exercise time for myself. My whole being is starved for regular movement, and for eating well. My children are young, and I am not. I want to be here for them, for a long time... It's time to place the health of myself at the top of the list.

I want more face time with my friends. Real time. Dinner parties and meeting for tea, and taking hikes under both blue skies and days that threaten rain.

It was a simple Christmas this year, and I loved it. I envision more of the same with the freedom of less stuff.

This night I dream of new challenges ahead, and good times, better times for all. I am conscious of how much I have and how so many are going without.

Happy 2012! May all of our dreams and resolutions shine through the New Year...and help fuel a world with more love and intention for all.

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How do you split up the family work in your home?

Men are contributing more than ever before to family work. Yet, why do women feel like they are doing everything? Perhaps there is truth in both viewpoints, and a middle ground somewhere in between. How do you split up the family work in your home? I'm blogging about that over on the Huffington Post today. Come read. And, share your thoughts.

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Our children help shape us

I came to parenthood on the late side. Our son came to us through the blessing of adoption, and our daughter arrived 9 months and 27 days later through an apparent miracle of conception that was said to be impossible. We thought so. Surprise!!!

All the parenting books in the world could not have prepared me for the long, lonely nights of bouncing a colicky baby on a yoga ball, the darkness punctuated by the sounds of my own desperate breathing, as I struggled to stay awake, arms numb from holding my beloved babe against my breast. Or, that I would be mistaken for an over sized wipe, due to occasional vomit and pee, and oh yes...projectile poop explosions.

There are the mundane tasks: the meal planning, the laundry, the multiple driving destinations, and the endless picking up after small people. Sometimes, we are so caught up in the doing that we can miss the being.

Yet, out of the mundane and ordinary spark those little jewels. The moments when you are slayed by what your children say and do. Our children help shape us. Hopefully we become better people, because we are forced to look into our own childhoods to see what worked and what didn't.

To respect who they truly are is not always an easy task. Too often we get caught up in our own stuff. Our own projections of who we think they are, or who they should be. Or worse, what other people might think of our children.

I no longer have a baby snuggling into my neck who smells of yeasty milk, or a toddler reaching up to a table loaded with possible dangers. My daughter no longer cries when I leave her with her peers. She wants to be a participant without me. My son checks in with me more often, asking if he can have another cookie, or have computer time. We have conversations. On good days, they share what they did at school. They've memorized our phone numbers. They sing songs. They have full little lives. Sometimes with me and sometimes not... It is only when I step into their room at night, enveloped in darkness, that it feels the same as when they were babies. I stand and listen to their soft breathing in the dark, kiss their velvety cheeks, and weep...

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Looking for ghost crabs...

Evenings at the beach...

Looking for ghost crabs...

Warm water...


A net...

These are the good times...

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Paid Work. It's the new self-esteem

I've written a lot here about how powerless I have felt not earning money as a stay-at-home mom. The work that a stay-at-home mom does is incredibly valuable to society, yet there is no monetary value placed on the work. It makes many of us feel that our work is invisible, and undervalued. Yet, what can be more valuable than caring for the next generation, most especially our own children?

So, I can now shout from the rooftops! There is nothing like.... the Power of the Paycheck. I received my first paycheck last week. It was not large, having only worked a small number of hours during the pay period. Yet...it was incredibly rewarding to see my name on a pay stub, with a monetary amount in the paid column. It didn't matter how much it was. Just that it was...money paid for good work.

I feel incredibly blessed with my new job. I have searched and searched for a job that I could do from home for the last two years. I have interviewed for jobs that would have been in an office 40 hours a week. Jobs that I was offered, and turned down for various reasons. It feels like a gift every day or night, depending on when I log in my hours, to perform this job from home. It's a great company to work for, and I feel appreciated.

It isn't that I am not appreciated at home for the family work that I do. Yet, somehow it all gets jumbled together and much of the work is done without someone else seeing it. It's complicated - this stay-at-home mom business.

It is really energizing to work for very young people who have a vision. They have so much energy, and they think outside the box. I love that! I wish more companies realized what value they would have in hiring moms part-time. We get things done! We don't flake, and we have little mouths to feed. Lots of internal motivation.

Paid Work. It's the new self-esteem.

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