It is not obvious, and is not easily detected or revealed. You would never know it if you met me on the street. Or at a cocktail party. Or on the playground. It occasionally comes up in conversation. Not often. And until now has not weighed on me.
It didn't affect my earlier life as an actress, a massage therapist, or an Executive Assistant. My daughter has not asked about it yet, but I feel the time approaching. Fast. And I don't yet know how I will explain it. I have not been overly conscious of feeling ashamed. Yet, for the first time this week, I did feel something resembling...shame.
I overheard my daughter and my husband talking together during the Super Bowl.
I want the Pittsburgh Steelers to win.
Because that's where Daddy went to college.
Just words. Ordinary words. Yet...I am not a college graduate, and now it bothers me. Because I will have to explain why to my daughter when she asks. And my reasons? Years ago...solidified by youthful ego and blindness. The reasons now sound weak...so very weak.
At some point, I might want to go back to complete a degree. But, it wouldn't be for the usual reasons: furthering a career trajectory, or even the satisfaction of finishing something that I started. No. It would be because... I want my daughter to know that I value a college education. I'm not sure why I'm focused on my daughter knowing this, rather than both of my children. But, it feels important for her to know this about me. And, that's all I know...
*****Note: Well! What wonderful thoughtful comments. Thank you. I've commented on a few things below. Thanks for the discussion!