Thursday, October 30, 2008

It was then that JCK saw that the ship was going down...

Things were not going too well for JCK. BOY & GIRL had decided that they wanted a variety of jack-o-lanterns: 1 sad, 1 happy and 1 scary. Yet, BOY was quite content to watch JCK flex her muscles and hack away at the pumpkin. GIRL was not content to watch. She MUST participate. And so she did. She helped JCK greatly by scraping large spoonfuls of interior pumpkin goo, and with artfully fine motor skills sent pumpkin seeds shooting hither and yon. JCK believes in her soul that they will be scraping dried pumpkin off walls and furniture for years to come. Not to be brought down by pumpkin innards, JCK, BOY & GIRL produced 1 Sad Jack-o-lantern with tears coming down his face, and a Happy Jack-o-lantern. By this time JCK's back muscles and arms were burning, and she was wondering what the fuck was so quality timeISH about pumpkin carving anyway. The 3rd pumpkin would have to wait until tomorrow. Candles were found and placed strategically inside, and the jack-o-lanterns were perched on chairs looking out the living room window.

It was then, that JCK, BOY & GIRL decided to get some fresh air. Within a few minutes, an older neighbor stopped by and things were looking rather Norman RockwellISH. JCK felt herself puff up a bit when the neighbor expressed her appreciation that they had real jack-o-lanterns. And... that JCK had done them herself. And... that they were not artificial ones with light bulbs. All were content to chat and play innocently in the front yard.

Suddenly GIRL's friend from across the street called out, "Miss J! Miss J! Can I come over!!?" JCK was delighted to walk across the street and accompany the Young Miss safely back to Martha Stewart's JCK's house. Whilst crossing the street, JCK noticed that BOY appeared to be perched on the roof of the minivan. Upon closer inspection, it proved to be true.


Apparently he was channeling Leonardo.


Apparently she was channeling Kate.

It was then that JCK saw that the ship was going down...

Once JCK succeeded in getting BOY down from the roof of the minivan, she walked with GIRL a few yards to the front door where they could show Young Miss the brilliance of Sad Jack and Happy Jack. Whilst there, BOY managed to mount the minivan and scramble up to the top yet again...

After getting BOY down to earth once more, JCK ordered BOY inside the house to wash his hands that were now blackened with minivan that never gets washed residue.

At this point, Young Miss's mom, JCK's friend, walked across the street with young Baby Sir snuggled in sling. Before the conversation betwixt two mothers desperate for adult conversation could begin, Young Miss walked up to show her mother & JCK her newest wound. It was evident that she would need a band aid or ... life would just not be the same.

JCK offered to go inside and obtain the band aid. As JCK approached the bathroom she heard the sound of what appeared to be... and was, RUNNING WATER. Apparently whilst BOY was inside washing his hands, he had decided to dam up the sink with the stopper, add soap, turn the faucets on full throttle and leave the premises. At the moment in which JCK walked into the bathroom, the sink was overflowing at such a rate as to envision Niagara Falls - a sight JCK had never witnessed before this day either in nature or nurture.

You may think at this point that JCK would now commence Jack'OClock, yet...she must be a good host and return to the front yard with what she had gone to get..a band aid. So, JCK quickly mopped the area with a large towel, said: FUCK IT! to herself, sucked it up and walked briskly outside.

Upon reaching the front door, it was apparent that GIRL had already obtained a band aid for Young Miss in another location, and they had moved on. Such is life.

Suddenly there were SHRIEKS of: NO, BOY, NOOOO! issuing forth from GIRL. As JCK rounded the house, GIRL was seen struggling with BOY as he tried to get his muscle trike out of the backyard gate and drive it into the front yard. Not to be deterred, BOY opened the gate and flew out. And just what GIRL had tried to prevent then happened...the dog, the still frisky one, bolted OUT. As still frisky one flew by in doggy track team style, the other dog, the frisky-less one, ambled out into the front yard and walked over to the cat, who shot back into the house looking as if Halloween had begun.

JCK did feel blessed that her friend, the mother of Young Miss, looked at her in recognition and uttered "This is the life of a stay-at-home mom, utter chaos." Yes, it was a version of Stay-at-home Mom HELL and JCK had a witness.

Perfectly timed, it was at this moment that JCK's husband E drove up the street. And the homey homecoming in which JCK envisioned her husband would partake in...just didn't happen. There was no calmness about the house, dinner cooking on the stove, jack-o-lanterns aglow and children waiting whilst JCK freshened up her lipstick. Noooooo... there was not to be the scene in which E walks in the door and thanks his lucky stars that he has such a domestic goddess for a wife and cherubic children.

No, he arrived to a scene of so much ....abundance that it would have been quite...unBELIEVABLE, if not witnessed first hand. E managed to navigate himself into the kitchen and prepare a snack, whilst JCK corralled the still frisky dog, bid adieu to her friend and Young Miss, and rounded up her own two children.

Having no choice other than insanity, JCK sent BOY and GIRL into the living room to watch something on Noggin. Then staggering into the kitchen, JCK decided it was damn well past time for JackO'Clock and poured herself a stiff one - treating herself to Gentleman Jack. Yes...JCK believes Gentleman Jack puts the "W" in whiissskkky. E had received this handsome bottle from a friend last month. JCK has been receiving it ever since. JCK likes her some gentleman like this. They have a relationship...this gentleman and she. An understanding. There is an acknowledgement between this gentleman and lady JCK.

And, it is this...

On some days...there is nothing better than stating the obvious....bottoms up!

It's JackO'Clock!!

***Gentleman Jack image courtesy of Google

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  1. Woah! It was a roller coaster ride, wasn't it?!!

    the boy was truly way BEYOND one would say, "nah, he's just active, that's ok..." did you feed him lots of sweet stuff just before the mini-van issue? He was so energized! *laugh* you must be exhausted... hope your kitchen cleans up real nice without orange stains here and there... *wink*

    Happy Halloween!

  2. I think it's E's own fault he missed the Martha Stewart & Cherubs scene. He should'a gotten home earlier.

  3. Oh.
    Yes, Gentleman Jack is a fine man indeed.
    DeBoy just came running into the room and hydroplaned on a bunch of flash cards he left on the floor. I may be needing some Jack'o'clock myself.
    By noon.
    Hope today goes better!

  4. he he he

    in my house I am the only one brave enough to stick my hand insdie the pumpkin, so the scooping and scraping is solely my job. even the hubby looks on.

  5. Lordy! Talk about several good reasons for Jacko'clock! Hope the Gentleman treats you well!

  6. Whoa! that's more going on in one afternoon than my entire day!! You deserve some Jack, my friend.

  7. After an afternoon like that you need two jacks or may three.

  8. I would have started right after the flying pumpkin seeds...
    We are in "All Saints" overdrive here in my house...I'm thinking a large glass of wine tonight should might need to be VERY LARGE. Pax, EJT

  9. Oh my--thank goodness the gentleman was in the house--I might have been running into traffic screaming in this situation ;)

  10. Love the writing although it's not funny if you are the one to do all these. But life is like this and I really enjoyed the sense of humor you brought to us. Feel like watching a "gentle" version of Desperate Housewife:)

    Happy Hollaween!

    Jennifer S (John's Mom)

  11. Why is it that the crazy days are the funniest? I completely enjoyed the retelling.
    Happy Halloween!

  12. Wait until you're teaching Boy to drive.

  13. When my boy was that age we lived in South Dakota and it wasn't unusual for us to be stuck in the house while the snow raged outside and the preschooler raged within. I must admit there were days when my coffee was liberally spiked with something much stronger than coffeemate long before noon.

  14. now that is some craziness girl. really i think you are wonderful.

    i carved pumpkins yesterday and wondered where the hell the quality time was as well...... stinking stupid pumpkins.

  15. I love the days where Noggin (and thank you peeps who extended it to 24 hours) is the one thing keeping us from running down the street naked with a butcher knife. I know Jack O'Clock quite well.


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