I try not to take my marriage for granted... but

If you are lucky, you will survive your marriage. Sometimes it's a matter of grabbing an uprooted tree and riding out the vicious current. When you wash ashore, you may or may not recognize your partner. You will both be a bit waterlogged, and probably ....depleted. Yet, stopping to lay down on the cool grass under the mid-day sun can revive you. You will lie together, yet apart, fingertips touching, eyes tilted upward at the wide open sky. Breathing. Just breathing...

No one ever said marriage was easy. However, no one really says just how difficult it can truly be. You have two individuals with different needs and wants, and after a few years, you have to rediscover the overlap. If it's there... Often you may not allow yourself or your partner to grow. Because it feels too.... threatening. Yet, growth is inevitable. And, without it you're deep in a murky bog, feeling burdened, paralyzed, and trapped. You have to slog through it, or sink.

Marriage by its very nature demands you to be the very best you can be, and asks you to think of the other person first. Perhaps that is the biggest test of all.

My marriage has had its share of challenges. My husband and I, both mercurial beings, trying to fend our way. We have worked hard. We sought help when we needed it. We have had breakthroughs, and tears, and yes...lovemaking. We've always had that. Oooh la la! Lucky us...

Throw children into the mix, add a big dollop of a child with special needs, financial ups and downs, and you've got a recipe for stress. Or, an opportunity to come together. So far we've managed to make it through, and be the stronger for it. I try not to take my marriage for granted... but, sometimes I do. Days can go by with our only connection centered around our children. Invariably, I am too bloody tired to truly connect.

There have been times when I have been tuned out. I have been angry. I have felt alone. Marriage can do that. But, then there is that possibility of renewal. The sun comes out, the world seems steady again, and I am not alone. A deeper love and need and want...that comes from a core steadiness that cannot be felt if you haven't gone to those low, tough places that pull you apart.

Today, I am grateful. So blessed to have my husband by my side. I love that he thinks that marriage with me is for keeps, no matter how flawed and messy the process. That he believes in us. He is a good man. And, I am lucky. When the tough times come, it's good to know that we remember how to paddle...


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"Keeping Focus" painting by Chuck Gumpert.

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The Sky Room

It was good.............

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he didn't marry me with an out clause

My husband and I differ when it comes to our wedding anniversary. Each year I check off the year as if in wonderment that we have arrived here. It is both with gleeful surprise and satisfaction that I can say that we've scaled another year together as husband and wife. I feel victorious. As if we entered an obstacle course race 14 years ago, and we continue to be in it, not giving up on the hurdles.

E looks at things differently. He assumes that we have gotten through another year, and he assumes that we will get through all the years that lay ahead. Why? Because, of course we will. As he says, he didn't marry me with an out clause. I love this about E. It is what I need. He is the solid oak that I can lean against. It helps during the challenging times. Even when I can't see straight, I know that he is not going to sneak out the back door.

Actually...we're not a back door couple. Ahem...We lean toward the dramatic, both being very passionate people. If there is a door to go out of, it will be the front door and the exit will not be quiet. Fortunately, we do not fight often. However, the challenge for both of us is to remember that we have two small children listening to every word we say, and...perhaps most importantly, to communicate to our children that grown-ups do argue, but it doesn't mean that we don't love each other or that we are headed for divorce.

These days, 14 years is no small feat. Especially when there is the continual journey of discovering who we are as individuals - which can redefine how we are in our relationship to each other. As I look around and see so many of my friends' marriages in crisis, I know that these issues - of balancing children, careers, financial stability, and mid-life awakenings, are all valid reasons for dividing couples. Or opportunities for growth, if you're lucky enough to be with the right person. But, growth is hard. And, messy. No one gets out clean.

My parents divorced after 17 years. I never remember them fighting. Suddenly our family exploded, and life was never the same. Perhaps there were signs, but as a young teen, I didn't see them. Now, as an adult, I can understand much more of what challenges my parents faced. I will always be sad that they divorced. Yet...I think it was the right decision for them. And the richness that my step-parents have brought to my life is full and deep.

Some marriages make it and some don't. I haven't quite gotten to the place where my husband is. That assumption that we will be together for the duration - soaring and plummeting as the cycle of marriage always does. But, I like to think that I'm closer to being a solid oak for him. Because, every marriage needs two oaks - growing separately, yet letting their branches intertwine and soar toward the sky...

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The truth is that sustaining a marriage is hard work

Wherever I turn these days, I run into another friend who is experiencing a rough patch in their marriage. Friction at best... talk of separation and hitting the skids...at worst. And sometimes that isn't the worst case. Some couples are just not meant to stay together. And some couples still love each other, but wonder what the hell happened to their partner. Is this the same person I fell in love with?! Who IS this person in my bed?

There comes a time when a couple has been married to each other for a while. A time full of life on the run with young children. And, kisses so fast in the morning you later wonder if your faces actually touched. Conversations started and stopped by the little engines that could, and can, interrupt you at every turn. Until, you stop trying. And you're depleted at the end of your days, so you each take to your corner of the world within the walls of the place you call home. Sometimes connecting in the dark, sometimes not.

Marriage is challenging. Adding children to a marriage is more than doubling the work. It is as if you are suddenly each speaking in another language, your commonality of words a foreign tongue that you are both just learning. Each feels alone with their logged tally of unseen, unheard wounds inflicted by the other. Or so it seems...

Yes, marriage can be like that. If you are lucky, and your partner believes in the long haul and no "easy outs," then you can grasp hold of that and ride in together on that perilous wave. Because, like all good things that last, there are dips and rocky shallows that one must wade through to get to the sandy beach. And the sand feels so....good, but then of course...it gets too hot.

The truth is that sustaining a marriage is hard work. And both partners have to be willing to come together and do the work. No one wants to admit that they've been contributing to the dirty laundry. But, you have to. You have to be a grown-up and be honest. With yourself most of all. And if you can do that, then you're more than half-way there...


****Painting titled: Gratefully Coerced by Charles Gumpert.

I am in love with this man's paintings!!

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And how he took 10 FRIGGIN' days to call!

When we last left our heroine, JCK, she was seen exiting the parking structure of an IBM building.

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JCK was feeling quite giddy. In fact, she had butterflies in her stomach and her loins appeared to be radiating heat. All caused from a delicious flirtation with an intriguing man named E. Titillation at an IBM sound stage. Who knew?

10 days went by... JCK was feeling a bit CONFUSED. Certainly this E fellow had appeared sincere in wanting to see her again. Hadn't he? He seemed so nice and had quite a cute ass. And tiny freckles on his nose. She had seen them. The freckles. She was saying almost all this, and more, on the phone to her friend SD from L.A. SD was patiently listening as JCK appeared to go on and on about this E character.

Suddenly the call waiting beeped in.

Hold on SD, I'll be right back.

Hello?

Is this J?

Yes.

It's E.K. We met on the IBM industrial shoot?

Oh...hello, JCK said throatily with warmth. Can you hold on just a moment, E? I've got someone on the other line.

Click back over to SD on call waiting.

SD!!!! IT'S HIM! IT'S HIM!!

Poor SD had to get off the line. For the personal safety of her ears.

JCK returned to E on the other line. They chitted and chatted. Perhaps for several minutes. A date was set for dinner. E asked what time JCK would like him to pick her up. JCK, being an independent sort of gal, stated that she would prefer to drive herself. It appeared to throw E off a bit, yet he went with it. They agreed to meet at his apartment, and then go together to the restaurant.

Date night arrived. The weather cooperated. No sleet, snow or rain. JCK wore something feminine. Fishnets were not involved. After all, this was a first date, not an affair.

JCK arrived Chez E. He lived in a quaint two story apartment building. JCK had barely grazed her knuckles across the door, when it was thrust open. E had been waiting. Not really, but this was 15 years ago and JCK's brain is a bit spotty after having children barely 10 months apart and all that.

What JCK does remember is this...

JCK was quite nervous. Imagine her delight when E welcomed her into his apartment, took her coat, and asked her if she'd like a glass of wine. Beautiful music was playing...and not just in her own mind. While he was pouring, JCK noticed that he had prepared a spread... just for her. On the table was a bountiful plate of brie, crackers and red grapes. JCK began to imagine what it would be like to feed E grapes, when she came back to earth and realized he had asked her a question.

Would you like the nickel tour?

Sure. JCK seemed to say that a lot. She was a bit tongue tied around E, but the wine was helping.

E showed her the small kitchen in front and then his bedroom in back. The first thing that JCK noticed, other than the shelves full of books and albums, was the fireplace.

My GOD, he had a bachelor LAIR!

That was where JCK's mind went. E, being the gentleman raised in the south as he was, led her right back out to the wine and cheese area. They nibbled a bit, finished their glass of wine, and left for the restaurant.

E took JCK to a lovely little bistro in an area of Atlanta called Virginia-Highlands. They drank wine, ate some food, and talked. And talked. About many things...politics, JCK's previous life in L.A. and NYC, E's life as an actor in Atlanta, his college years at Carnegie-Mellon, his six months spent living the gypsy actor's life in Europe, and JCK's childhood years in Africa and Beirut, Lebanon. There was a lot to talk about. It flowed quite easily and it wasn't just the wine.

Later, they walked a bit. Talked some more. And decided to get ice cream cones on the corner. All the adult chairs were taken, so E and JCK decided to sit in the small toddler chairs. Luckily for them, their buttocks were youthful and fit quite nicely. They continued to wax eloquently on ...and suddenly... it was quite late. Hours had gone by.

E drove JCK back to his house and walked her to her car. He told her he had had a lovely evening. She did the same. They said goodnight. JCK drove home. There was no carnal knowledge at this time.

That night, JCK had a strange thought. But, it kept pushing its way to the surface and calling to her...

I am going to marry this man.

And on a gloriously beautiful October day in 1995, they did marry.

JCK still likes to tell the story of how they met. And how he took 10 FRIGGIN' days to call!

E likes to tell the story of how he drove off from the IBM parking garage kicking himself because he had gotten the O.K. from JCK to call, yet did not have her telephone number. A minor detail. E did take the matter into his own hands and called her agent, whom he had known for quite some years, and talked him into divulging the much coveted telephone number of JCK.

As to why he took 10 FRIGGIN' days to call? E thought it had only been a few days. As any woman who has been married for several years will tell you ...men have a different sense of time.

This concludes the story of how JCK met E.

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This post is for Jason from The Jason Show who wanted more posts containing the words: Carnal Knowledge ...

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Note: It's NaBloPoMo, what would you like me to write about?

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I was going to be Auntie Mame!

I tend to paint life with a big brush. You may have noticed. It is who I am. On the outside I look like your average mom. On the inside resides a combination of...


Mae West and ....

Julie Andrews.

Oh.... how I would have loved to have performed in musical theater, but alas...it wasn't my forte. I wasn't a song and dance gal. I was always the wide-eyed ingenue.

If you'd asked me if I wanted children when I was in my 20's, I would have been unsure. In all my fantasies, the role of mom just didn't come up. I was going to be Auntie Mame! An apartment in Manhattan and a cottage in Connecticut. A life of my own making. Not having children of my own, I would swoop into town to visit nieces and nephews, bearing gifts and regaling them with stories from the TheAhhter. Oh, yes...I would be a raconteur full of verve and effervescence. A life lived on champagne and Alkaseltzer.

THAT didn't happen.

But, something else did. I met my husband at an audition for an IBM Industrial training film...of all the romantic places. Just a mere 15 1/2 years ago, when we met... Yes, we both got that job, and on Wednesday we celebrated our 13th wedding anniversary. We have two amazing children! How did that happen? It's a journey...

Happy Anniversary, E!


Is that a pistol in your pocket, big fella, or are ya just glad to see me?

The hills are ALIVE....with the SOUND of CHILDREN....


***Photos courtesy of Google Images

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