Wherever I turn these days, I run into another friend who is experiencing a rough patch in their marriage. Friction at best... talk of separation and hitting the skids...at worst. And sometimes that isn't the worst case. Some couples are just not meant to stay together. And some couples still love each other, but wonder what the hell happened to their partner. Is this the same person I fell in love with?! Who IS this person in my bed?
There comes a time when a couple has been married to each other for a while. A time full of life on the run with young children. And, kisses so fast in the morning you later wonder if your faces actually touched. Conversations started and stopped by the little engines that could, and can, interrupt you at every turn. Until, you stop trying. And you're depleted at the end of your days, so you each take to your corner of the world within the walls of the place you call home. Sometimes connecting in the dark, sometimes not.
The truth is that sustaining a marriage is hard work. And both partners have to be willing to come together and do the work. No one wants to admit that they've been contributing to the dirty laundry. But, you have to. You have to be a grown-up and be honest. With yourself most of all. And if you can do that, then you're more than half-way there...
****Painting titled: Gratefully Coerced by Charles Gumpert.
| Tweet |
|
|||
"Adding children to a marriage is more than doubling the work."
ReplyDeleteI'd like to see this blazing neon on bill boards all across high schools and work places across America.
You are so right. Sometimes marriage feels easy-breezy, lovey-dovey-all-the-time. So comfy and warm and content. Other times it's an alligator infested bayou and your canoe has a big hole in it. And so does your bail out bucket.
Nice painting choice, by the way.Just noticed the painting title. Gratefully Coerced. Uh huh. Have felt that before.
ReplyDeleteExcellent post. It IS work, but it's good work if you can get it.
ReplyDeleteIt is work, but the ones that survive the initial years tend to hang tough *if* both partners are willing to work on it. It's that willingness to work that seems to disappear for some couples.
ReplyDeleteWill Smith talks about this. The first thing you have to do for a successful marriage is take divorce off the table--then the only thing left to do is make it work.
ReplyDeleteSo true! It is very very hard but the rewards are so worth it :)
ReplyDeleteAll I have to say is, put Jenn's comment in neon and on the billboards. "Divorce is NOT AN OPTION" is what we would tell couples in marriage prep when we worked that gig in the 90s. If you think it is, you have no business getting married. Because there will be times (not "might," not "unless you're lucky" -- "WILL") when gritting your teeth and repeating that mantra is all that gets you through.
ReplyDeleteBut once through...ahh! Did someone ever say "marital bliss"?
I can't speak from experience, but as with anything worth hanging onto, you're right, it takes time. I think the idea of 'taking divorce off the table' sounds like a great place to start.
ReplyDeletethis post rocks and that painting is incredible
ReplyDeleteThis post rings with truth. It is hard and sometimes the hardest thing is admitting when we aren't working hard enough.
ReplyDeleteYou said a mouthful!
ReplyDeleteTrue, true, true.
ReplyDeleteAnd don't forget that while the coming of kids brings a change to a marriage, so too does the going away of kids. Another transition. Don't be surprised at how your relationship changes when the nest empties.
The work really does never stop.
Thanks, JCK. Your words today are the ones I needed to hear. We've been stuck in the "lightning fast" mode with 3 at home, and it's time we had a date.
ReplyDeleteWhenever my husband and I are too involved in the work of his job and my writing and the kids activities, we take a 'time out' just for us. It doesn't have to be long, but it does have to force us to connect again.
Every so often, I need a reminder. Today, it came from you.
Gotta go. I have a phone call to make.
- Julia at Midwest Moms
Yes, indeed. Marriage is hard.
ReplyDeleteI agree with g's comment about major transitions in life (having children and then, when they leave home...)creating more stress on the relationship. One would think that with kids out of the house (finally) that things would automatically improve. Not. It's like re-learning all over again how to be just two in the nest. Married 31 plus years, I finally understand, it will always be a challenge to stay together. But we keep working at it...
What a great post! Two of my closest friends are slipping further and further away from each other in their marriage, and I worry he may be having an affair.
ReplyDeleteIt IS so hard to have conversations when children are around. As women, we put so much of ourselves into our children, that we sometimes forget the importance of working on our marriage. There are days that I look at Jim, (sitting right across from me), and say, "I MISS YOU", and he knows exactly what I mean.
Amen, sister.
ReplyDeleteExcellent post. We avoided some problems, partly because we got married so late after dating 6 years, and because we had the kids right away, so we really never knew what marriage without kids was like. Of course, I have a failed marriage behind me, which while painful was also educational.
ReplyDeleteso very true. and I agree with Jen, divorce has to be off the table and then you just keep plugging away at it, riding the good times and reliving them in your mind to sustain you through the bad.
ReplyDeleteDivorce was mentioned once in our marriage about eight years ago. When we recovered from that episode, I took it off the table. I said it could never be an option, so it could never be mentioned again.
ReplyDeletetruer words never spoken (or blogged...)
ReplyDeleteso true girl, so true....
ReplyDeleteI have 4 friends who just got a divorce for all sorts of reasons and I'm more or less 'counseling' them for the past few weeks... this post came at the right time... I would say....
So true! And sometimes it's not even a dramatic "rough patch" that gets to you -- just the exhausting, boring day to day grind. But work it through!
ReplyDeleteA friend with whom I had lunch today said that the secret to his happy marriage is separate bathrooms.
ReplyDeleteI'm commenting again because I love all the other comments. Everyone is so wise! Everyone brings such great experience to the table.
ReplyDeleteA-men to that sister. BTW, I saw Revolutionary Road last weekend which certainly hits on this post - you were right, it was some powerful stuff indeed.
ReplyDelete