June 2, 2001
I'm so sorry, said Dr. B. So very sorry. Small words carrying heavy weight. We can try again, when you are ready, he said. Ready? If that was all it took, I would have been pregnant months and months ago. After I hung up the phone I sat still, unable to move. Then I got up and looked in the extra bedroom. The extra bedroom, perfect for a nursery, in the house we had bought to have a family in. It stood empty, mocking me. As if an automaton, I picked up the phone and called E. And sobbed. No baby once again. After 5 IUIs, 3 fresh cycle IVFs and 2 frozen, it was over. Although I had told E that I wasn't sure I could stop, now I knew that I could. That I had to find some peace. That I couldn't continue to put myself through a procedure that in the end, made me feel like a guinea pig and as far from being a mother as I could possibly feel. Time to regroup. Time to just stop thinking and breathing and living wanting to get pregnant. Like every single one of our precious, fragile embryos I was fragmented, cracked, and my hope had withered. Gone.
We both needed time to heal. I knew that E was in pain and I couldn't comfort him. There was nothing in me left. It was time to start living again. To rejoice in what we had. Yet, all I could focus on was what we didn't have.
To be continued...
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When I read the first post I skipped over the 2001 date and I thought you were talking about your life now. Then I read yesterday's entry and realized you are sharing from your past. I was just about to try and write some kind of consoling comment. Boy, would I have looked dumb. I hope to be able to check back and see how this thing "came to past."
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I am crying as I can only imagine the pain you felt, and the longing. I can't wait to hear more!
ReplyDeleteI am looking forward to hearing "the rest of the story."
ReplyDeleteSince the age of 5 I knew I wanted babies. I was confident that I wanted to be a mother. And I have always gotten pregnant easily. Perhaps a little too easily at one time. In any case, I still feel a let down and a sadness when I get my period each month and say goodbye to the opportunity that was missed or passed by. That said, I cannot even begin to imagine the sadness and frustration that a woman - and a couple - feels when she wants a baby and for one reason or another (or several) is not able to conceive. I think your story is already so special. And the way you write makes it easier for me to wrap my head around something so tender to us women. Thanks for sharing, JCK! I look forward to more!
ReplyDeleteWhat a sad time - what a sad story. I never went through anything like this conceiving my children and so I don't truly comprehend the pain - but I feel your pain through your writing and your words. I am sorry. I am sad that this so often happens and is so common and it just isn't fair. I hope the story gets better - I will be back to find out. Have a good weekend.
ReplyDeleteJust dropped by from BlogHer - I see your story has a happy ending :-)
ReplyDeleteI was in the 'the chances you'll EVER have a baby are less than 10%' group & I'm now (16 years later) expecting my 6th...
lump. in. throat.
ReplyDeleteWow. I so know what you mean (again). I remember thinking it would be easy to stop if it didn't work the first time. Boy was I wrong. Another beautiful segment JCK.
Rick, too funny! Thanks for stopping by.
ReplyDeleteHappyGeek - thank you.
Heather, thanks for stopping by and reading the story.
Thank you sweet, Johanna. I miss you! Hope you are well.
Kellan, thanks for all of your comments along the way!
Rachel, 6 children! That is awesome. And you are a warrior woman. 6, yikes!
Worksformom - can't say no to chances of a baby, can we??
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