NaBloPoMo - Day 4 - ramblings on a winter's eve

January 5, 2002

It has been more than six months, yet we don't have any concrete answers. I have imagined myself living child-free. But, it is like a shoe that doesn't fit. It rubs and chafes and gives me blisters.

Today is the first afternoon in a very long time that I've enjoyed. I'm pretty relaxed considering the ping ball machine I call my emotions over the last year. Now I sit outside on the patio, inhaling the scent of the freshly mown grass - the last few minutes of daylight lingering here. I wish it could last longer - yet nothing lasts. Except the yearning for a child. When I am in the throes of this - when I am not incapacitated by a migraine, when I actually can think in a clear, concise way - I can imagine that this too shall pass, or shift or change. I am tired - look in the mirror and shrink from my reflection in the glass. Could this be me? Fine lines caress my face and the silver in my hair ravages across my scalp.

So, I sit here and try to cling to the surety that I have a place in this chaotic world in which to take up space. That I can sip my glass of red wine - Beringer, Vintners Reserve? 1999 - No, Founders Reserve - whatever the hell that means. Our dogs, sit here with me. All of us savoring the last dregs of daylight - before the onslaught of darkness and cold. It is winter, yet a heat wave has descended over the last few days. Life feels calm in this moment, except for occasional background sounds - a cacophony, love that word - of barks from the dogs next door.

I need to start exploring who I am now. Not who I could have been or who I could be if only this were to happen... but, who. I. am. now. ... And so my thoughts ramble on .... I get dizzy with my own yearnings and dreams. What is it that I want? Truly I want to quit my job - to be able to make a home and write and paint... and be a mother. Somehow. Part of me is very frightened at the thought of my becoming a mother. Will I be able to handle it? Will I do it well? Do I really know what I am getting into? I am sure not. Does anyone know what they are getting into? This is life - a journey, full of twists and turns and shocking surprises - some good, some bad.

People who always want more are never the happy ones. They're always looking ahead - for something better to come along. The truly happy people, satisfied people, blessed people are the ones who look around and love what they have. They laugh a lot, without holding back. They dance - they rejoice in the moment. The moment is now. Grab life with both hands! Hold on honey, the ride is gonna be bumpy. The moment is here if you see it. But, you have to see it and you have to act upon it. Facile words, yet I continue to muddle through.

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