Thursday, November 1, 2007

NaBloPoMo - Day 1 - excerpts from an infertility journal

Today is the 1st day of NaBloPoMo. The challenge is to post every day for the month of November. I've been doing a lot of thinking about what I will do. Should I just do the same 'ol, same 'ol or should I attempt something a little different? I'm often asked how is it that we have children so close in age. I would like to tell the story of how we became a family. I hope you'll stay along for the ride. So, this is the story of how we ended up with a BOY & a GIRL 10 months apart.

Excerpts from an infertility journal

May 19, 2001
My darling, dearest 9 embryos. You are each so precious. I love you all. Please be little fighters. E and I welcome you with open arms. Fight embryos - fight to survive. Are you the precious little soul that has been wandering around looking for your parents? We welcome you. I am ready to put you in my womb. It is up to each of you to divide and progress as best you can. God, please help our little guys. Divide, divide, divide... Your little souls need not wander any longer. I welcome you to my side. 9 little embryos. My dear sweet little miracles. I treasure you. I am imagining you dividing beautifully. I imagine you 2 celled, then 4 celled, then 6, then 8, 10 and 12. I imagine you in your round perfect circles of cells. Each cell meeting each other. Each embryo growing into a precious one. I can imagine you, baby from my embryos. I snuggle you. I smell your baby smell. No obstructions, nothing to prevent you from growing into your glorious selves. 12 celled blastocysts circling in my womb - finding that special place. This is a new beginning. A time for change.

May 20, 2001
We have 6 fighters now. 6 sweet little embies. I imagine your fighting spirits, your little souls wanting to come into my uterus. Your father and I welcome you. Don't let the little fragmentation deter you - continue to divide. You six are meant to be inside of me. When Mitch called with the good news of all of you - I dropped to my knees and sobbed and thanked God for each and every one of you. I know that you are here because of our prayers - the prayers of all of our family and dear, dear friends. This is the time. It is meant to be. I imagine becoming a mother. I imagine you growing inside of me. Each of you is so cherished. Let the fragmentation stay on the outside. Let it not increase. I pray for each of you to be golden and beautiful. And your daddy and I want you so, so much. More than anything in this world. I long to be your mother. To be pregnant with you. My lining is ripe for your implantation. I imagine you nesting there.

May 21, 2001
Today is transfer day. Go embies! Go my little team! It only takes one. One special embryo. I am ready to become a mother. Are you ready to come into my life? Things went very well today. 5 of you raced in and 1 rebel decided to give it a second shot. So now I am honored to have six of you in my tummy. I will lie here and honor you and make myself a cozy haven for you. How I long to meet you. Dig in little guys. Dig in. I imagine your wonder. I will become pregnant this time. I am ready to receive this blessing.

May 23, 2001
I feel you all in my tummy. I love walking around knowing you are inside of me. I love you all so very, very much. Your dad does, too. We have wanted you so very long. Years and years and ... years. Today I can move around and do small things. I don't have to stay lying down. I feel you there making a difference this time. Right now I am pregnant. I am pregnant. I want to feel your little flutters. I want to see your little sac on the ultrasound screen. I want to see and hear your heartbeat.

May 24, 2001
Dear God. I am feeling so scared today. Somehow the reality of returning to work has me all in a tizzy - worrying about the outcome of this invitro. I don't want this to be an IVF attempt anymore! No, I want this to be it! To be an IVF success story. I am so very frightened. We have told virtually everyone this time - all family, friends. And this is not a bad thing. We need everyone's prayers. I need to focus on today, this morning. Take big breaths and feel the prayer circle around us. It is very strong and loving. I deserve to be a mommy. Is this what it is about - the doubts? Somehow I think that a miracle can't happen to me - to us. It can. It will. I am pregnant. I am pregnant. I am pregnant. Please God, show me the way to motherhood. I have never, ever wanted something so much - so precious.

May 28, 2001
I have been avoiding you these past two days. Feeling angry, already. Betrayed. I don't feel pregnant. I went and looked back from our old records from the 1st IVF. We transferred 7 embryos. 6 were 4 celled and 1 was 8 celled. All heavily fragmented. Last fall, our 2nd attempt, we transferred 6. Our fragmentation is less this time. 5-10% fragmentation. Today I said to E that I didn't know if I could stop IVF - if it doesn't work this time. If we are not pregnant, will I be able to say O.K., time to move on? I don't know. How do you stop when you want something more than your heart and soul? How do you decide that this is the last time? Then what? Adoption?

May 31, 2001
This waiting is killing me! It is so very hard! There are hours when I feel like YES, this is it. This is different and I am pregnant. I've had really strong cramping that actually hurts, very low - just above my pubic bone. Also my breasts are more tender than I remember. The progesterone - blast it- can cause these pregnancy-like symptoms. It just sucks. I am wearing an additional estrogen patch - so that could be causing me to have symptoms. See! I question and double-question everything. No wonder I feel completely whacked out.

June 1, 2001
Dear God. I'm counting on you! How is that for blatant begging, praying, down on my knees - anything that would help you to know, but you do know how much I want this baby - our baby. Please God. Let these things that I've been feeling be true. Tomorrow morning is the test date. By tomorrow afternoon I will know. E is working tomorrow, so I will be here waiting by myself. I have mixed feelings about that. Of course, I would love for him to be here - waiting with me. But, as of right now I feel O.K. to wait for the call by myself - although I am also petrified. It feels so good to have some hope. I never felt this hopeful. It is possible that I could be pregnant right now.

To be continued...

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  1. Wow, what a journal. This should be an interesting blog journey. Thanks for sharing.

  2. WOW, awesome awesome awesome. I am so glad I found you, I, too went through this very long, hard journey but am not brave enough to chronicle it or articulate it as well as you. I can't wait to read every single word of every single installment. You always know when someone mentions RE or blastocyst or ICSI or PIO - they've went thru it too. Wow, what a miracle. I'm happy for your result too. :)

  3. Oh ... this is such a story. And, it is such a privilege to be allowed to hear your thoughts and dreams. It is a gift - to me - to be there with you as you went through this truly difficult time. I am anxious for the story to continue - I am anxious! Thank you - really - for sharing this beautiful story. I have had several friends that went through similar situations trying to conceive and it is a true gift to hear it all first hand - as it was happening. I will be back ... to hear more. Take Care.

  4. Ladies, thank you for your comments from the bottom of my heart. This has been very painful to go back to these emotions, feelings. I feel as if I am reliving it and have to do a reality check. Luckily BOY & GIRL are good at that! LOL

  5. I look at this and realize how strong you must have been to journal in the first place. I remember digging into food and being a stress case during a similar time.

  6. I have a friend going through this and I appreciate hearing your journey. Thank you for sharing these entries with us.


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