April 2003
It's been 3 months since my stepmother died. I like to think that wherever she is now, she's looking down on us and is sending hopeful, positive energy. The Dear Birthmother letter is almost done. Almost. We're on our 3rd draft, but it feels close. It has to fit on the front and back of one sheet of paper (no shorter, no longer) and pictures have to be in there, too. I'm actually having fun with the layout. I like that kind of thing. And then there's...drum roll please...THE COUPLE PHOTO. The couple photo that jumps out at you. That says, we would be the best parents ever. Choose us! But, it has to say it in a way that doesn't appear desperate. Get a couple who have tried to have a family for years and years without success, and well... they may be just shy of desperate. Who wouldn't be? But, no one is supposed to know that. You must appear happy, but not desperate. Appealing, but not desperate. Intriguing, but not desperate. Look like you are in love, but not desperate. We did one set of pictures at the beach. Great setting, but the sunlight was too harsh and bright and we were squinting. I guess birthmothers don't like squinting. Even if you look like you are having fun at the beach in CALIFORNIA. Go figure.
That has been one of the hardest parts for us, going with what the counselor recommends. Some of it seems just... wrong. But, we have to believe that she knows what she is doing. God knows, we don't. Sometimes it feels like we are stepping over land mines. Anything could just blow up in our faces. My sister-n-law is taking pictures of us this weekend at a local park. The roses are in full bloom and the trees are blossoming, so hopefully we can get some good, natural shots. See the happy couple sitting in nature. Here's hoping it works. Meanwhile I'm working on my list of projects, things to do while we wait, and wait... The agency told us to expect the wait to be 6 months to a year and a half. So, I'm thinking 1 year. That is what I have planted in my consciousness. I can live with that. There is an end in sight. And our baby will be there.
To be continued...
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I love this story of your life. Everyone has a story, don't they? Some sort of story. Yours is often heartbreaking and filled with fear and stress and yet there is always hope. It is like the perfect movie (at least for me) - the drama that has the hope of ending just the way I want it it. I'm sorry if I haven't been leaving comments on every post - but I have read your story and I love it - as hard as it is to sometimes read. It is a beautiful story and you are a gifted story teller. Take care.
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