July 8, 2001
It's been a month and I feel a little less battered. It seems that there are happy pregnant women everywhere and some of them are my friends. I hate the fact that I can't be 100% joyful for them. It's not that I don't feel happy for them, but each encounter, each baby shower seems to break my heart into yet another piece. And who can I talk about it with? Would that be fair to dampen their joy? To turn it around to be about me? No, it would not.
It's not that people don't care. They just have no idea what to say. My step-mother told me that I could create a life with children in other ways, that she had not had a child, but had found satisfaction in working with children. But, that is not MY path!!! - I wanted to scream. Her comment made me angry and it felt insensitive. But, that is what she knows and I think she was trying, in her way, to help me.
So, I feel very alone with it all. It is complicated. It is unbelievable that my heart can still keep breaking, but it can. And it is so hard not to wallow in a self-pity party. I feel isolated right now, as I don't know anyone else going through this. The wonderful women I met on Babycenter 2 years ago, our "Club Meds Group," all 12 of them are now pregnant or have become mothers. Except for one other woman and myself. 10/12 succeeded. They've been amazing, yet they don't know what to say.
I never though that I would go as far as IVF. You start out with a small pill called Clomid, that turns you into a lunatic and before you know it your husband is jabbing you in the ass with needles. You find yourself taking bigger and bigger steps until suddenly you are there. And then when it all falls apart, when all of the shots, and the monitoring, and the driving an hour each way to the clinic, and the praying doesn't end up with a pregnancy - you wonder how you ever got here. We told ourselves that it was worth spending all the money - just to have a precious baby in our arms. Now we have the debt, yet the debt in our hearts is much greater. Was it worth it?
As I come up for air, I am feeling just the slightest tickle of hope. It feels good not to be going through treatment. It feels good to make love just for that reason, although we gave up on getting pregnant on our own long ago. I am beginning to feel human again. Sad, but human. And with the little bit of hope is the feeling that I will find some peace with all of this.
E and I have agreed to take an official break for six months on discussing where we go from here. We are giving ourselves time to feel things out. Do we pursue adoption? Do we remain child-free, but make peace with that and have a fabulous life together without children? Time will give us the answer. But, since I am a woman and he is a man...our reference for time is quite different. So, while he continues to put the mourning behind him and live life now, I am going to start gathering information on adoption and read a book that was recommended to me on choosing to be child-free after infertility. I'm not sure which path we'll choose, but hopefully that will show itself to us. Meanwhile, I'm trying to just take it one day at a time.
To be continued....