Wednesday, May 14, 2008

I look like the Pillsbury Dough Boy gone BAD!

At the end of last summer my slenderizer hot pink one piece bathing suit from the LE catalogue had to be tossed. It was beginning to shred. You know how bathing suits do that after awhile. I had ordered it the summer before, so it got two summers of beach and pool before disintegrating in front of my very eyes. Luckily no one else's. Anyway, I thought since I had had such good luck with this certain LE catalogue before that I would try it again. Since I am always one for a good deal and don't easily fork over $80 for a bathing suit, I decided to check out their clearance section. Fantastic! Cool looking bathing suit in a small flowered pattern, color chocolate to match my new beach hat [Targay $12.] They have 2 sizes left. One is my size! I order it. I hesitate briefly as I couldn't remember if I had ordered the short torso last time, and I am definitely a short torso, but I decide - just order the regular size. I do.


Today, the LE package was waiting on our doorstep when BOY and I arrived home from Costco. He was just as eager to tear open the box as I was. He's into using his scissors. Since they are the "safe scissors," well...except around hair, I let him unseal one side. I pull the bathing suit out of the box. It looks kind of interesting.... I'll go try it on.

OH, IT IS....SO WRONG!! SO WRONG!!

I look like a MATRON OF HELL! The stomach section, which is supposed to be slenderizing is...well just kind of there. In fact everything seems to focus on "the there" rather than shifting the focus "upwards." And the upwards...well, it just looks like NOTHING. Shapeless. Hideous. The ONLY thing worse than this, this...suit would be a swim skirt.

The cover of the LE catalogue that arrived with the bathing suit says:

"Inside: an ocean of flattering solutions."

LIAR, LIAR, FUCKING PANTS ON FIRE!! It's an OCEAN of UNFLATTERING dissolutions!!

"Swimsuits guaranteed to cover, support & slim."

It's covering all right. Covering up everything to look like one big NOTHING. I look like the Pillsbury Dough Boy gone BAD!

"We have suitable solutions for every anxiety zone."

HONEY, you haven't MET an anxiety ZONE. Come OVAH HEAH and let me SHOW you MY anxiety zone ON FIRE!


***********
So, we go to the Y for BOY's swim lesson and after he's done he plays in the childcare and I go sit on a life cycle and pedal for 25 minutes. I burn 111 calories and go 9 miles. In a stationary position. I have never been so FRIGGIN' bored in my life. But, I do feel better afterwards. Legs all tingly and such. Slimmer. Covered. Supported. Feeling Inside like: "an ocean of flattering solutions."

SOLUTION: Tomorrow, return the LE swimsuit to SEARS. Get refund. Order new, short torso, hot BROWN [to match new beach hat from Targay] slenderizer bathing suit that looks good. "...one that flatters, fits and inspires confidence." Worth $80 to not look like Dough Boy on parade.

"But, if the suit doesn't flatter, you might as well stay in the cabana."

NATCH.


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24 comments:

Tootsie Farklepants said...

If there is a cabana boy I might be willing to risk the offensive swim skirt just to hang out in the cabana.

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

I find an assortment of colorful wraps to be a necessity!

Ginaagain said...

Oh how I hate buying swimsuits! My LE tankini is begging to be replaced but I think I'm going to force it to live through one more summer.

Angeline said...

Hmmm...totally agree on that last statement!!!

SuburbanCorrespondent said...

Often, the clearance suits are the ones left over for a reason.

And, personally, I thank God every single day for skirted swimsuit bottoms from Land's End.

Kellan said...

HAHAHAHAHA! I'm sorry to laugh at your swimsuit problems - but it was a funny post! Good luck on the reorder.

Have a good day - Kellan

g said...

Whoo! I bought a swimsuit a couple weeks ago. Fortunately it was at a mom & pop sporting goods store, and the only people in the store were "pop" and a teenage boy clerk and they were both watching baseball on TV.

I got the classic "over 50" model -tank suit with racer back. The only color they had in my size was sort of deep purple, so now I'm Moby Grape.

Madge said...

unless LE is putting a plastic surgeon in with my slenderizing suit they are not actually slenderizing. OK? i need a suit that removes cellulite from my legs, fat from my arms, removes this size 14 nasty tummy and puts the girls back up where they belong, not somewhere down in the region of my belly button. i'm just sayin'.

Kalynne Pudner said...

Oooh, let me tell you what I found this weekend! It's called "Longitude" (there was some comment regarding "latitude" on the tag, but I ignored it), and it looks like a tennis dress! Which I have, in the past, tried to wear as a bathing suit but have always been caught by the size 2 teenage lifeguard and sent unceremoniously away to change into some bathing suit that makes people gag when they see it on me.

Why, yes, it was $80. But a negligible sacrifice, relative to the gagging sounds emitting from the throats of my fellow bathers.

Jennifer H said...

I'm with Madge on this one.

This was hilarious, and I feel your pain (oh, do I).

Love the quote at the end.

You can find me in the cabana.

Lisa said...

Does it have to be swimsuit season--ugh?! I need a cabana.
$80 to look good in a swimsuit is worth every single penny :)

painted maypole said...

i have been working out like crazy for the last week, and plan to keep doing so, because that middle section... WAY too doughy! ;)

flutter said...

swim- suit? Yeah, sorry never heard of it ;p

Elizabeth said...

I firmly believe that there are parts of me that no one...other than my husband...even wants to see. This is a neet company:
www.swimmodest.com. My kids wear "wet-suit" like swimwear since they are 99% sunscreen and we are a "very fair" family.
I like the tennis dress type suits too, course if the skirt is too short, well, lets just say the dough boy looks GOOD next to me.
Good luck with the re-order.
Blessings, EJT

Domestically Challenged said...

Brilliant mental picture!

Domestically Challenged said...

PS,
This is just for you -

http://domestic-hiss.blogspot.com/2008/05/costume-dramain-tent.html

Madge said...

unless LE is putting a little plastic surgeon in the bag they can get over their "slenderizing"

seriously, unless a suit is removing cellulite and putting the girls back up where they belong (instead of near my belly button) it's not "slenderizing"

MamaGeek said...

Hellza yeah - LIARS is right. I'm thinking a tent cover might be in order!

And if YOU'RE the doughboy, I'm a size 0!

Mighty Morphin' Mama said...

Good suit is so worth the money!

Mary Alice said...

I am very sorry. I ordered one that made me look like very much like a sausage, if that's any comfort to a Pillsbury dough girl!

Jason said...

I say there's NOTHING wrong with a swim skirt.

HRH said...

Why can't we all just go to the beach in the dark?

jlo said...

Found you through The Jason Show. You are hysterical! I freakin' hate bathing suit season too. Just thinking about it makes me sweat. UGH!!

Janet said...

I'll believe all their claims about slenderizing "flaw-minimizing" suits as soon as their models look like they actually need such features.

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