Friday, May 30, 2008

Fishnets or cash?

Time for a Free wheelin' Friday. Not to be confused with free willies. I may live in California, but I keep my free willies to myself. BOY on the other hand...well, we're working on his "feeling free in the outdoors" nature. My lovely stepbrother, by marriage, Sir J, just informed me by email this morning that although très quaint, my post on our most recent trip north did not include BOY's sudden need to whip down his trousers and pee in front of all and sundry, during the family photo shoot to celebrate my mother's 70th birthday. [Uh, thanks Sir J, I was trying to forget...] Not to be making any excuses, but BOY did aim for the flower garden, so at least it wasn't on E's remarkably, still white shoes. There's something.

My stepbrother, Sir J, writes:

Thanks for the blog updates from this past weekend! I had a good time reading… I wanted to add the following:

BOY going tinkle outside during the photo shots… it was absolutely priceless, you weren’t there, but it was awesome and something we’ll share with him as he’s older for some great laughs!
[Sir J, please take that on as I'm sure BOY will not be speaking to me someday when I venture to bring up said subject of embarassment in front of his future dates.]

But, WAIT!! Sir J continues:

I also enjoyed Big E’s shoes…
those were nice, and new, I have a similar pair! [Uh...Sir J, I wouldn't be braggin' about having OH, SO WHITE shoes like E's. Just sayin...]

*********************
And so on to Free Wheelin' Friday, otherwise known as...

Things you didn't know and NOW wish you still didn't know...about Casa de Motherscribe:

There are fewer evenings of JackO'Clock than one would wish for. Sometimes I just have to drink a stiff cup of tea to power through, as the whiskey makes me sleepy... [Tis' true...I am a lightweight.]

E, myself, BOY and GIRL all tend to be intense. We have to import our humor at times.

I believe dirt is healthy. Dirty hands adds MUCHO flavor to meals. Didn't cha know?

GIRL likes to fold laundry. Yes. She. Does. [Must be that recessive gene.]

BOY looks at the world a little differently than most. It took him a long time to put the "right shoe" on the right foot. He often would have his shoes reversed. They didn't correct him at school. They just wanted him to have his shoes on. I liked that. He rides his Monster, All Terrain Vehicle Trike with the handlebars backwards. He knows it is backwards. This is the way he prefers to ride it. I shall miss that once the tricycle moves on. [Note the cute little baby bird that tweets dangling from the handlebar. He added this for his "horn."]

I like my husband's ass. Really I do. [I'd put a picture here, but I know where my bread is buttered. And he'd kick my FLAT ass.]


Our cat, Dillon, who will be 16 in August, eats ground turkey meat. I cook it for him every few days. He has had food allergies for years and can no longer tolerate even hypoallergenic cat food. [We found out he had allergies when he continually threw up and then developed sores all over his head. A little clue like THAT.] He prefers to sleep on a black garbage bag [filled with paperwork to be shredded...] in the office. Even though he has severe pet food allergies, in past years he has been known to wolf down half of a pizza left out overnight ...with no visible signs of allergic response. He also likes popcorn.

Our dog, Soul Man, is 13. He is old and tired. And very fat. His joints are so tired that he can barely lift himself up and walk around. We are now giving him giant pills of Glucosamine Chondroitin stuffed into meatballs. [Hey, he's old, he deserves a treat or two.] We've only been doing this for about 10 days. We started with pills wrapped in Pastrami. I don't think he likes sushi. If the GC appears to help his joints, I may try it. It's getting harder and harder to lift my ass out of the computer chair.

We have a toilet that keeps running, a broken spring on the kitchen door, walls that have had holes patched, but not repainted. My husband is handy. He beautifies other people's homes. They RAVE about him. They pay him. I may have to pay him. ......................


Fishnets... or cash? Fishnets or cash?

I was reading someone's blog the other day. They were taking themselves to task for not being a good house cleaner. They only vacuumed and took a quick mop to the floors once a week. Oh...the SHAME! Can you IMAGINE? Mopping once a FRIGGIN' week?! Honey, my husband would be ORGASMIC if the floors were whisked once a week. Orgasmic I tell you. Over the moon. I have good intentions. Yes, I do. I LOVE clean. I love a neat house. But, vacuuming, scrubbing...just aren't high on my priority list. However, I will say that I have an amazing talent of ...turning into the white tornado.

It's a good thing, because this... awaits my tornadoesque talents.Oh, and this festival of O's dancing under the table... And of course the ubiquitous ... laundry ...[this actually looks doable-- not toppling over today.]OK, let's see how long it takes JCK to white tornado the house? How long..............................??????




mmmmmmmm.........


Let's just check in on poor JCK, who has been forced by blogosphere peer pressure to clean her house. Where the HELL is SHE?....................


Oh, here she is: PUT THE FISHNETS DOWN, JCK!! Your special treat comes later...much later.She just ADORES her duster. It is SO boa like...................... We're SO glad she maintains the nostril hairs. Skin not bad for 46, no? Screw that dermatologist.

Let's go into the bathroom: My GOD what is that, that stench? Are we in a ZOO? I'm sorry JCK's sensibilities are just too delicate for this task.

Let's move on.................


OH, for the LOVE of GOD, JCK, you are SO fuckin ORAL. Come ON! Get a grip! Pour yourself a whiskey, lady. And the fishnets go on THE LEGS.
............................It has now been....45 minutes. 20 minutes of cleaning and 25 minutes of taking these exquisite photos of a middleaged woman FAUX cleaning. I can hear AARP VICTORIA magazine calling.


But, look....it's done!

Time to kick back. Light some candles in the fireplace.

And get REAL sexy....
JCK just CAN'T think of her duster as anything BUT a BOA!


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23 comments:

Jennifer H said...

This was hilarious! You crazy lady (the good kind of crazy!). I have a feeling you don't actually need to import the humor at your house. And I know for certain that I totally want to hang out with you sometime!

Just as long as we don't have to clean or anything.

If I cleaned the floors once a week, my husband would walk outside and check the numbers on the house to make sure he had the right one.

Memarie Lane said...

I think I'm going to steal your candles in the fireplace thing. I vacuum every other day or so, but sweeping and mopping maybe once a month. My house does stay pretty clean though, even with little kids running around. It must be the restraints.

Ginaagain said...

You know, I think you could sell duster boas on etsy if you used yourself as a model. You make housekeeping look downright glamorous. Move over June Cleaver... who needs heels when we have JCK's high fashion Ombre Duster Boas.

HRH said...

MWAH. I am in love. In love that you took pictures of yourself INSTEAD of cleaning. Yeah. (Although you did seem to get something done too which is just overachieving.)

My hubby has a nice ass too but won't let me take a picture either...what is up with those men?

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

And if I had a boa I'd think of it as a duster. I think the whole thing is genetically programmed.

That's some pretty good faux cleaning you did there--and looking good while doing it.

Jen said...

Where was E while this was going on, because someone needed to be there in person to witness this hilarity! You're a nut. I guess that's why we get along.

Kalynne Pudner said...

Are you SURE whiskey makes you sleepy? As opposed to, oh, taking pictures of yourself cleaning with fishnets on your hands?

Mrs. G. said...

Will you come over and help me clean and put on a burlesque show? I think we could take our show on the road.

Lisa said...

I'm thinking you had lots of fun doing this post :)
from outdoor peeing to sexy cleaning--you have covered it all--well done!

g said...

This is exactly what happens whenever I try to start cleaning my house. Which is why I never do.

Susanne said...

This post really made my day. My husband would be very, very thankful if I vaccuumed at all. Since abandoning my serious flylady-phase he has, again, been the one wielding the vaccuum cleaner, poor thing. My duster is prettier than yours though, but then I don't own fishnets so it probably all evens out.

(Never comment after your second beer...)

flutter said...

maybe you could pay him in Vacuuming? :p

painted maypole said...

mopping once a week? um... not around here?

you are a hoot!

phd in yogurtry said...

any man would be proud as hell that his wife put a picture of his NICE ass on her blog! come on, GO FOR IT!

Kellan said...

That was hysterical and I loved seeing the pictures of you!!! I also love the phrase "faux cleaning" - HA!

Hope are having a nice relaxing weekend - NO CLEANING!!

SEe you - Kellan

Angeline said...

Wow! Finally saw your face!

You definitely made my day! Simply hilarious!

All Adither said...

Awww, you have old animals too. Thanks for your nice comment on my blog.

Shamelessly Sassy said...

Why is this my first time stopping by here? Fabulous blog!

Elizabeth said...

Great Post!
My step mother is a "certifiable" clean freak. (advantage: she taught me how to clean well, Disadvantage: I still didn't-and don't- always live up to her standards)
I overheard her conversation with my sister: she said "well, I do a quick run through TWICE A WEEK and a GOOD heavy duty cleaning ONCE a week...."
My parents live in a small three bedroom 2 1/2 bath house in Cape May, NJ. Dad is 75, mom is 65. Can't imagine spending that much time cleaning! Oh, and they have a white velour couch and white carpet in the living room....and RARELY use it.I've only been on that carpet 2 or 3 times in the 20 years they have lived there!
Sorry this is so long!
BTW: I KNEW YOU would like the "Very Short Fairy Tale"!!!
Pax, EJT

Suzanne said...

My cleaning is generally limited to making my bed every morning....I can't leave the house until I've done it.

Sometimes the floors do mopped twice a week, but that is only because I have two yorkies who sometimes forget the difference between indoors and outdoors (note to self: buy puppy diapers).

But back to you: I loved this post, it was adorable and hilarious and your husband is one lucky man to have a wife who is not only beautiful, but has a terrific appreciation for fishnet!

-suz

Mighty Morphin' Mama said...

Thanks for the laughs lady! You are looking pretty hot with that boa...
You do have beautiful skin by the way, just lovely.
I clean the same way (well, minus the fishnets) I too am a human tornado. Or at least I was before my pregnant belly got in the way. Now I am more like a light breeze that keeps dying off.

Manic Mommy said...

LMAO and needing to sleep. Wondering if you were in the same mindset while writing this.

I love that boy rides his trike with the handlebars backwards. I think I have his soulmate: http://shesjustanothermanicmommy.blogspot.com/2007/11/clown-of-different-color.html

Janet said...

I swear we're twins separated at birth. With a couple of exceptions (the Mountain Man has never had shoes that white, or that clean) I could have written this post (just the facts, not the style). Mop once a week? Once a year more like. Although I do the bathroom floors a bit more often. Like once a month. Maybe. Old puky cats? Check. Old dog with bad knees? Check. I stand up at the computer because I would never make it out of the chair. DeBoy distinguished himself at the Lewis Botanical Gardens in Virginia by peeing, not in some of the dense shrubbery, but right out by the lake within plain view of two weddings, the conservatory and the restaurant.

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