Go AWAY, Old Self!

This last week has been a wave of peaks and valleys. All I can do is tell myself to take it one day at a time. Sometimes one hour at a time. AA in their 12-step program knew what they were talking about when developing this principle. It can be applied to all walks of life, really. When you're on the stress train, best to take a deep breath, cool your jets and remember ...baby steps, baby steps.

I can be somewhat impulsive emotionally, which is not always a good thing. Actually frequently a bad thing when raising children. Drama Queens are better on stage than in the home. However, it is my modis operandi and I am working on it. It's my stuff. I used to be plagued with not infrequent depressions. They would descend on me as if a horsehair blanket had been laid across my shoulders. Rather itchy and heavy to carry. Yet, now those depressions almost seem frivolous. And I don't mean to make light of depression, because I am very conscious of the fact that people have legitimate, debilitating depressions. And it is a serious illness. But, right now I am mocking myself a bit, because what exactly were these depressions about?

• I am still a waitress in a Honky Tonk and my life is going nowhere. {I should be on Broadway.}
  


• I feel fat today. I don't want to dress up like Fifi Le French Maid. {I wish I would meet someone...}
  


• My boyfriend of the moment is having moments with someone else. {My heart is broken... Fuck him!... NEXT!}
  


• My husband doesn't understand me and does he leave the toilet seat up ON PURPOSE? {Does he really hate me?}
  


• I HATE this office job. I should be doing something creative. When, oh when...will we have a baby? {If people here only knew I used to dress up in fishnets...}
  


• I have 2 babies under 1, who are not twins, and this was what I wanted wasn't it? {Of course it is, it is...IT IS...not exactly...BUT, no regrets...except occasionally when I identify with Sylvia Plath and that oven looks tempting.}
  


• Suddenly, I'm not the one being looked at anymore... {But that's OK, isn't it? Isn't it? It is who I am INSIDE that's important. I don't want my identity to be wrapped up in what I look like. I'm a feminist for GOD'S SAKE!}
  


• There is something missing and I don't know what it is... ...unfortunately, I still get that one occasionally - although, blogging has really blasted its way into my heart and soul and the fact that I'm writing almost everyday is just...cool. Even if it is blather on some days, I am taking the time and making the time to blather. It is the act of writing, dipping my quill in ink, that is powerful.
  

No, these days the fog of depression that descends is rare. But, when it arrives it always catches me off guard. As if there's an unexpected knocking on my door, I go to answer it, and it is my old self, yet AGAIN. Go AWAY, Old Self! You are NOT welcome here. The blackness always surprises me with its insidious talent for creeping and crawling into my psyche. I used to think that someday it would be gone for good - that it was a matter of maturity on my part. Now I am beginning to think that it will always be with me. Perhaps it is a way of checking in, taking stock, an opportunity for change...

NOTE: No, the picture above is not me. I use non-running mascara. However, isn't that hat just to DIE FOR!!?

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