Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Leather. Furniture. Instant. Inflamed. Reaction. In. Men.

So, what IS IT exactly about men and leather? Apparently, it’s some kind of Pavlovian response. A couple of weeks ago my husband E mentioned that a client was getting rid of a “great looking leather sofa and armchair” and… had offered it to E, if he wanted it. For free. Now, E is not someone who hops all over free deals. Free stuff doesn’t scream INSTANT ORGASM, like it does to me. My heritage is Scottish, what can I say. However…you smack leather around furniture and the answer is…I’m easy.

This is not anything new. Ever since we’ve been married, when he’s flipping through a catalogue and comes across a leather chair, I hear…LOOK AT THIS!!! I look at it, it’s OK. It’s nice. NOT the reaction he’s going for. He wants …NIIICE. Personally, I just don’t see the appeal. Maybe it’s because I wear dresses and shorts upon occasion and don’t like my skin sticking to what feels like human skin, but isn’t. I tend to run hot in the summer. OK, I glow. I like to get up from furniture without taking it with me.

Lest you think I’m rigid, let me assure you, I’m not a “leather hater”. If we’re talking about leather clothing or accessories… that’s different. Purses. YEAH! Leather jackets. Mmmm..hmmm... You KNOW it, baby! But, putting your ass on leather just doesn’t get me going. An ass in leather pants…now, we’re talking. THAT can even be a party game. Really, IT can. Several years ago we were at a friend’s house indulging in cocktails and ummm…let’s just keep it at cocktails. Our friend used to be a punk rock star and at some point in the evening he decided to pull out his leather pants that he used to wear on tour. Well, we ALL had to try them on and do a little intoxicated modeling. Needless to say, I will never look at leather pants in quite the same way.

But, I digress. Let’s get back to the main issue at hand. Leather. Furniture. Instant. Inflamed. Reaction. In. Men. Especially in married men, because those are the only men I encounter these days. Perhaps for them, it harkens back to those glorious days of yesteryear…the single days…the black leather couch, the babe stretched out, the evening unencumbered by children or discussion of mundane household issues. I dated a man once who had a living room full of leather furniture and Patrick Nagel prints all over his walls. I was rather voluptuous at the time and sitting on the leather couch whilst looking up at anorexic women with oversized, unnatural boobs just didn’t DO IT for me. I believe the relationship lasted one weekend.

My husband E is not a fan of Nagel artwork. Sorry, Patrick. He likes women with rounded curves and strong legs. One of the reasons I fell in love with him. That and on our first date his willingness to sit in preschool chairs outside on a sidewalk devouring ice cream cones. Plastic chairs, mind you. But, you put leather furniture in front of him and his turn-on radar goes BA DA BOOM BOOM. And he’s not alone. Oh, NO, NO, NOOO….my anecdotal evidence goes much further.

Whilst I was in San Francisco for the BlogHer conference, a decision was made, a U-Haul trailer was rented, and the leather couch & armchair were brought to our home. Our home with a 3 year old and a 4 year old. Crayons. Scissors. Hot Wheels cars that scratch. To be fair, E asked me where in the house I’d like the furniture to reside. Sort of. He indicated that it would be best for it to go in our sunroom, which is our playroom. Play. Room. Just sayin… He called a neighbor over to help him move the monstrous furniture pieces into our home.

Male Neighbor: Wow, MAN…this furniture is NIIIICE! You got THIS for FREE?!

After an hour of manipulation and room arrangement, the furniture makes it to the sunroom. 1/2 of the toys are now in the living room. The leather couch and armchair are rather large. Husband is happy. I, try to make the best of it with minimal snarky ass comments.

A couple of days later…

Another MALE Friend comes over and says to me: Can you BELIEVE how NIIIICE this stuff is? And it was for FREE!!

Me: Mmmm…yes, I just CAN’T believe it. [I don’t think he picked up on my sarcastic tone.]

Yet another day passes in what I now call Our HOUSE OF LEATHER...

A different Male Friend comes over and does a DOUBLE-TAKE upon looking in the former playroom.

He says: You got some NEW furniture! NIIIIICE.

If you had any doubts about my Married Men Inflamed by Leather Furniture case study, I am quite sure that you now see that my evidence is rock solid. Leather clad.

CAUSE: Leather furniture = EFFECT: Instant TURN-On for males, including married ones.

Anecdotal case closed. As for the leather furniture? Well…my husband has been beaten down is appearing to reconsider the INSTANT TURN-ON couch & armchair. Was it BOY racing his cars on it? GIRL using the couch as a crafts table? Who knew? There appears to be a downside. It could be time for SELLING LEATHER FURNITURE ON CRAIG’S LIST!!! I will delight in the high bids. I predict an instant sale to a single man harboring fantasies of how leather furniture is going to be an INSTANT TURN-ON to his many future dates. Should I tell him? Naaaa…men need to have a chance to dream. Before the leather is taken away….

****Patrick Nagel Print courtesy of Google Images

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  1. I'm still stuck on the leather pants party.

    There's a whole lot of sizzle in your minivan, motherscribe.

  2. I haven't heard of Nagel prints in YEARS. Ha. that alone is worth a good hearty chuckle.

  3. ok the Nagel made me snort. I suppose that would have been sexy had I been sitting on leather.

  4. My DH has already put in for a new leather couch. WTF?

  5. Oh dear... further proof that I'm not as feminine as I should be. I love my leather furniture. Kids and dogs haven't hurt it and it doesn't hold dust (lots of allergies here) plus it looks clean. I should clarify though that it is very classic style leather furniture in a nice conservative chocolate brown.. not the sleezy overstuffed bachelor pad kind.

  6. everytime we considered upgrading our couch, my husband has gone for a leather one. Usually the one he picks is a big pneumatic one, the kind that looks like its made out of conjoined car seats.

    Is that why men like leather furniture, maybe, it reminds them of CARS?

    After one of these couch-buying forays, we both realize we can't afford it, so we stick with what we have.

  7. We just bought a new living room set - microfiber with the fabric protection plan - Andy was making the case for leather until he saw a.) the price and b.) visions of Hot Wheels races on the cushions.

    Now. More on the leather pants party please...

  8. My MIL has the same infatuation with leather furniture these days.


  9. OMG!! I know what you mean! My ex acts like there's no other furniture type in existence. It must be leather. Or nothing.

  10. When I married my husband he had a leather lazy boy. It was awful. I hated it. It is gone now.
    I sooooooo know what you are talking about.

  11. What a fun post! My husband loves leather furniture too. It must be part of the XY deal.

  12. I snorted too at the mention of Nagel. It reminded me of a date I had - his place? black leather couch, Nagel prints, cinderblock bookshelf. Ha!

    Whenever my husband brings up leather, I tell him that leather tanning in a pollutin gindustry and that modern tanneries use, typically, chromium, aluminum and iron salts, formaldehyde and coal tar derivates, plus cyanide-based dyes and oils. 95% of the leather produced in the US is chrome dyed. And that I don't want t o contribute to that. It usually shuts him up just because he doesn't know how to respond. Which is good. That's what he gets for marrying a crunchy granola gal.


  13. Well, damn. After Jennifer's comment, I feel guilty saying how much I like the right kind of leather furniture. More English manor house library than anything that would go with Nagel prints, though(that guy's name wasn't Steve, was it? Just checking.).

    We need photos of the furniture! :-)

  14. Very clever post. You are such a talented writer.

    But, I must confess, I thought this was going to be about the KINKY kind of leather products.

    Must be cuz I'm a man.

  15. How about the leather LAZY-BOY?!? Huh? Talk about Niiiiiice? Yes, we have one in our living room. Argh.

    I long ago decided that in Home Magazine and House & Garden and the like? The men in the house have no say. Or they are tied up in a closet until all furnishing picks are over. Or they're off in their leather sofa clad loft with their mistress.

  16. My folks got leather furniture a few years ago. Mom hates it, and I do too, but then again, I only have to sit on a few times a year.

  17. Hehehe.
    You are a very nice wife.
    I do have to say that with 4 kids, I kinda like my leather furniture. It is easy clean.
    And I always knew you were one sexy lady, but your pants party is throwing me a little!

  18. Okay, since we are talking about dates, can I mention a guy I dated who had a leather couch, no table, but a coffee table that flipped up into a table, and no refrigerator. That's right. I still can't wrap my brain around that one - where did he put his beer?

    Leather furniture looks Niiiiccceee, but it hurts to leave the top layer of your thighs on it.

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  21. How many bon bons have you eaten by now ?

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