Sometimes I get disproportionally angry with my children. It feels as if they have set out to personally make me insane. But, I know that just isn't possible, is it? They are only 3 and 4 years old. Far too young to be plotting. Later, when I can sit with my anger calmly, I feel frightened. Frightened that such small people whom I love with all my heart occasionally incite rage in me. And then I feel as if I might just dissolve ...a window shattering inward in slow motion. First the cracks start. One by one. Each fissure an episode of rage... until finally the shards fall. Piece by piece. A window left without its glass, its center. Bare. And vulnerable to all the elements.
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Sweetie, it happens to all of us.
ReplyDeleteYou should have seen my 'windows' when my first had 24 hour, screamin' unless I have boob in my mouth colic.
ReplyDeleteAnd she was a mere 7 pounds.
Don't worry. Every calm moment, every hug, every bedtime story that ends with a sleepy, sweaty little head on your shoulder fills in those cracks. This time will pass and you will have the memories of your endurance to help you survive the teenage years.
ReplyDeleteand so goes another day in the life of mommyhood, huh? rage, self-condemnation, guilt ... and as ginaagain points out, redemption.
ReplyDeletethanks for your honesty. its always good to know i'm not alone.
I can relate. I call myself a "crackmom" when that happens, tongue in cheek, but your cracks are different and more real than the one I am referring to when I mock myself.
ReplyDeleteKEEP BELIEVING
That human thing is a total pain in the butt, isn't it?
ReplyDeleteI feel like this all the time. But you articulated it better than I could have.
ReplyDeleteWhy does no one tell us this will happen? I'm sure it wasn't in any parenting book I ever read.
We all feel it. Sometimes when I yell at Dylan, he "yells" back at me, and it instantly calms me down and makes me realize I need a break.
ReplyDeleteThe Queen can set me off (and does it deliberately). DeBoy not so much yet, except when he's hitting me in the face when some hard plastic object. I feel incredibly guilty about flying off the handle, particularly when she tells me I'm mean. I keep telling her that if she will do what she's told (usually STOP torturing her brother) then I will stop being mean. It's actually starting to work, but there must be a better way. Like Jennifer said, none of this is in the parenting books.
ReplyDeleteAnd oh, yeah, have fun tonight! The rest of us wait with bated breath for the post of this summit meeting!
ReplyDeleteyou know what? it gets better. when they get older it gets better. i remember when mine were less than 1 and four i was slumped in the hallway, bawling, with both of them crawling all over me.
ReplyDeleteit gets better.
beautifully written.
ReplyDeletetake time to take your "windsheild" to get "fixed" ;)
darlin, it happens. sometimes things just fall apart.
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad to know I'm not alone. Deep sigh.
ReplyDeleteYep! Yep!! And that's really all I can say.
ReplyDeleteSee you tonight!
. . . "But, I know that just isn't possible, is it? They are only 3 and 4 years old. Far too young to be plotting."
ReplyDeleteI'm convinced my kids started plotting against me the day they were born. Swear to God.
Just know you are in the company of many reasonable women who have flown off the handle. I contend that those who insist they never do lie. That's just my theory.
ReplyDeleteOh dear. Isn't it amazing how we can love them so completely, but also despise them so completely at times? Dylan head-butted me today when I had a migraine and I swear that if I hadn't felt like an ice pick had been shoved through my left eye, I would have wrung his neck. But it hurt too much to even think about, so I whispered for him to go to his room and then cried.
ReplyDeleteSO...have FUN tonight! Still jealous!! SO VERY JEALOUS!
Oh...and the other day I yelled at Dylan (for riding his trike OVEAR my GARDENIA) and he told me to "Calm Down". And I did.
ReplyDeleteOh, honey. Thanks for articulating this. I had a run-in with Old Man Rage just the other day.
ReplyDeleteReferred to my 3-year-old as 'an asshole' today (not in front of him). It happens. Still kissed him goodnight and meant it.
ReplyDelete