A trip into Beverly Hills...an exotic land

The only thing I like about Beverly Hills is that it seems exotic. A foreign land. Since most of my excursions are via minivan, locally, with children in tow, a jaunt to the other side of town and by myself is almost racy.

I arrive in Beverly Hills; a place of perfectly manicured people, lawns and palm trees. And, oh yes, here are the cars... Audi's, Jaguar's, Mercedes and of course, the Bentley convertible. Not that we don't have these things in the town where we live, but here in Beverly Hills it is different. For one, there doesn't seem to be any dust. Or even dirt. Anywhere. Is that normal?! Everything is shiny. I see no chaos. No mess. Storefront windows are gleaming. People are freshly nipped, tucked, manicured and pedicured. Look, there's someone walking by in bandages from a recent visit to the plastic surgeon. Do they think they are invisible? I guess it is so normal here that people don't even notice it. Here's a beautiful children's store. There are no children in it. Do children live in Beverly Hills? Maybe there is a 24 hour toddler curfew? Preschoolers? I think they've been banished. Beverly Hills is child-free! That's why it is so quiet!!

I always notice how my behavior changes when I come here. I feel self-conscious. Today it doesn't help matters that I'm wearing my suburban bright Purple CROCS. I swear the woman waiting by the elevator just sneered at my CROCS! To alleviate the potential awkwardness posed by sharing an elevator with said woman, I decide to exit the parking structure by taking the stairs. As I pass by her, I feel the need to say, "Oh, I'm taking the stairs. I SO need the exercise." For someone who is naturally chatty like me, Beverly Hills is not the place to hang shall we say - not if you obviously don't belong there. Except for the overly courteous valets or the man who runs the smoothie store, chats are discouraged. In fact, conversations can just die on the vine. I do overhear some interesting coversations involving other people. A woman says, "She just completely lost it. Fell apart." Just when I'm feeling relieved that there are tantruming toddlers around, and she's talking about one of them, she continues, "...and so she just checked herself in." OK, not talking about toddlers. The other people just went into The Farm of Beverly Hills. There are no cows there. Maybe a few pigs. Could these others be from LOST? Even if my socioeconomic class were different, this would not be a place where I'd be inclined to spend my cash. Noone looks like they are having much fun. It is all so serious. It's a very weird place. No, I'd probably spend even more money at Costco or maybe I'd splurge and get a Target credit card! Or, take trips to other exotic lands.

I am here to see my dentist. The 3rd visit in a month. It has been a very looong time since I've seen my dentist. It has been SO...long that they had to take a complete set of x-rays (lost count after 8 billion) and basically, they didn't know who I was. Don't they know who I AM? My God, I'm a mother! OK, I'm baaack! I'm here for my 2ND of 2 parts...a deep cleaning. The women who work in the office are actually very nice. The dentist is a little intimidating; a walking ad for the Beverly Hills Man. He tends to stare at me as if he were about to suggest a quick stop off at the plastic surgeon's downstairs. The plastic surgeon's office is strategically located across from the elevator. Once, to kill time while I was waiting for the elevator, I read the list of services posted on the door. I swear a lady with a very tight smile bounded out from behind what I thought had been a closed door - asking if she could help me? Yes, I need help, but not the kind you are talking about lady. Maybe I'm not being fair about the dentist. He could be thinking...hm, not a bad looking wench, some "had a baby" belly and her hair is pretty outrageous - kind of like Emmy Lou Harris...only younger. Mmm...probably not thinking that. Besides, I think he is gay.

My dentist's teeth are WHITE and sparkling. And that is why I go here. Because, I covet the sparkling WHITE teeth of my youth. And they also take my HMO! I'm now coming up for air after having two children in 1 year. Girl is almost 3 and Boy is a little past 3 1/2. It's time to think about my appearance and not just the grooming habits of my young. Teeth are a good place to start.

I leave the dentist's office with a mouthful of clean, fairly WHITE teeth. I feel good. As I drive out of the parking structure, I catch the eye of a woman driving in. THANK GOD, A SUBARU! She smiles at me. Perhaps she covets sparkling teeth like me.

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