Tuesday, October 2, 2007

It seems I've reached a new low

I burst into tears in front of the children this afternoon. It seems I've reached a new low. I was at my wit's end, wit perhaps looong gone, and they were both being extremely naughty. No one was listening. No one was cooperating. I carried BOY into the living room, as I was trying to get GIRL to go down for a nap in their room and he kept zooming into the room and revying her up. He gave me a light tap on my face and I just burst into tears. Then he burst into tears. So, the two of us were weeping and GIRL was laughing. She didn't seem unduly bothered by my tears. BOY, on the other hand, was greatly disturbed. Believe it or not, this is the first time that I've actually broken down crying in front of them. I cried while trying to inch up the pull-up on GIRL's kicking legs. And I kept crying while she laughed. And BOY kept crying. It was a very sad state of affairs. So, after I took a deep breath, put the covers on GIRL and left the room, I swept BOY up and hugged him.

I don't like it when you cry, Mommy.

I know, sweetie. But, sometimes Mommies and Daddies cry, too.

I don't like it.

Then in a very soft voice: Did I hurt you?

No, sweetie. It's OK. Well, it is not OK to hit. You didn't hurt me, but you did hurt my feelings. And sometimes I cry, and that's OK. (Not really, but it sounds good. Have probably put some weird Mommy guilt wojo on him.)

Within 20 minutes it was determined that our GIRL was not to sleep. So, she came out of her room and I explained my tears to her. Or tried.

These small little persons whom I absolutely adore to the ends of the earth are incredibly magical creatures. And incredibly challenging. And being a Mother is ... I don't know if I have the words today.

It seems we've recovered for the moment. Well, all of us except me. They're resilient. At least that's what I'm telling myself.

I feel very burdened by stress these days. It is starting to bleed into our lives. Should I go back to work full-time? Do I have a choice? What is the right decision for our family? I hate feeling this way. Is it the financial stress? Or maybe I'm just an ordinary mom who lost it today. Either way it feels really bad. No other word for it. Just bad.

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1 comment:

  1. My children have seen me cry several times already in their lifetimes. We talk about it. Sometimes they give me hugs and tell me that they hope I feel better soon and that everything will be okay. I don't go on wailing when I'm with them (though sometimes I would like to) but I don't hide my tears either. I own my crying and I hope (and pray, really) that by seeing me embrace and honor and share my feelings they will feel like they can do the same. If not, well then I've goofed as a mom. So far though, it's felt right to include them in the sadness followed by comfort and eventually a return to contentment or even happiness. I think it sounds like you handled the situation and the crying quite nicely, really.

    And the should-I-work-or-not? thing is such a big deal. Ah. I empathize. It's not easy to make that decision.



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