However, her pants ARE bursting with Christmas glee...

I see London. I see France. I see JCK's underpants. Indeed? No, JCK has not reverted to her Kindergarten days...yet. However, her pants ARE bursting with Christmas glee... Yes, JCK is sporting the latest in post-Christmas HOT Frontal Fashion....Le laissez-faire du top Bouton. For those of you not in the know of slaughtered Francais, JCK has loosened her top buttons. Of her pants. Out of necessity. The Motherscribe household has gone from gettin' jingly with it...to...let's get jiggly with it. Alas, the cookies and fudge were too damn good.

When not surviving on SUGAR, JCK has been a virtual whirlwind. Spinning like a top through BOY & GIRL's room, sorting, discarding, giving away, organizing... JCK is not sure where the motivation is coming from, but she is going with it.

JCK also did some good old fashioned crying. Because how could BOY & GIRL have once been as tiny as these little clothes at the back of the closet reveal. Oh....where has the time gone? Sometimes JCK is overwhelmed by the sadness of what is no...more.

Yet, the fun of a 5 and a 6 year old is delicious, too. BOY showing GIRL how to make snowflakes with paper and scissors. GIRL showing BOY how to fold napkins. BOY pulling a book out of the bookshelf and realizing that he can read it. And reading it to GIRL... GIRL spending over 2 hours on Christmas day making her own storybook. The beauty of seeing them covered in dirt and grass stains, so young and free and happy.

It's been a good Christmas season, and JCK is looking forward to the New Year. 2010 feels like a great number. She wants to spend more time writing here. And elsewhere.


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Photo of "Zip Holder" courtesy of Coolthings.com

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I have now realized that baking is a full contact sport

I am slowly coming out of what can only be called a baking psychosis. This, not to be confused with a baking frenzy. Although there are similarities. A baking frenzy is simply...that. A wild hootenanny of baking that is over within a period of hours. A baking psychosis? Well, clearly a state that is much, much more disturbed. Yes, for those of us afflicted, it can last ...GASP...days.

I come from a long line of bakers. My mother. Yes, a long line. My mother would bake way into the wee hours while we children were snug in our beds. She was smart, my mother. I choose to bake during daylight hours. During those periods of time when children are afoot. And underfoot. I have now realized that baking is a full contact sport. Truly, you haven't really broken in as a baker until you take a good head butt to your ...BUTT. All while balancing cookie sheets and stirring hot fudge upon the stove. Memories....Can we all break into song now? Memories...da da da da da daaaa.... Memories....

Those little munchkins, bless them. All fired up with sugar and SANTA IS COMING!! Is there anything like the exquisite SHOUTING in one's ear to get you in the Christmas spirit!!?? No. But, it is all good. Really. It is! I'll just have to apply for my hearing aide a bit sooner. It will go well with my ....Oh, I thought they were your grandchildren chic. I shouldn't complain. It's been days since I was called my children's grandmother. Days. I'm not bitter. Dammit! I know, Santa, I know. Damn, your good ears...

Santa is coming within the next few hours. The stockings are hung by the chimney with care. BOY & GIRL are nestled in their beds. E, better not be in a kerchief, or I'll kick him to the lawn. I'm sure ready for my mid-winter's nap...

May the wonder of Christmas find you this year!

Merry Christmas to BOY & GIRL, and to all a good night!

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All, memories to treasure...

The Christmas spirit is pretty high here at Casa de Motherscribe. We are all gettin' jingly with it. JCK has decorated the mantle with fresh cut trimmings off the tree, along with bunches of pyracantha berries, candles, and an angel or two. Large pine cones, bows, and twinkly lights deck the halls. The tree has the traditional court jester atop it, and colored lights. There is no subtlety here...

BOY & GIRL are fully in the Christmas spirit. Today JCK and the little rascals put together a gingerbread house and tree. It would do well in Vegas, this gingerbread house. BOY & GIRL believe MORE is MORE in decorating. And JCK lets them. After all, someday...they will be older and more tasteful.

JCK is drinking up all of these moments. It is as if she can feel time flowing through her fingers. But, she is able to hold on to some precious, sparkly grains of sand. Some soft. Some gritty. All, memories to treasure...

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Why is he wearing a plastic bag?

I saw a man at church today wearing a plastic bag for a coat. And I haven't been able to get him out of my mind. He comes regularly on Sundays, and sits in the church courtyard. Sometimes chatting with another homeless man, sometimes sitting quietly by himself. Today he was a few feet away from the goodie table, where volunteers bring in baked goods to sell. It pained me to stand there, with my warm coat on, watching him...without a coat.

I asked one of the women handling the food if anyone had offered him anything to eat. No one had. We go to an amazing church. I love it. It is known far and wide for the wonderful peace and justice work that parishioners and staff engage in - personally. Yet...when a lone man stands off to the side, with a garbage bag on as a coat, it scares us. It makes us uncomfortable.

But, for me, today, coming out of church and not saying or doing something felt very wrong. Especially since our rector had just mentioned in his sermon that we're collecting coats this week. So many people on the streets without. Hungry. Cold.

Why is he wearing a plastic bag? GIRL asked.

Because, he doesn't have a coat, sweetie.

GIRL and BOY watched him. There were no more questions. They recognized by my response that he was homeless.

I approached the man. Offered him food from our table. He declined. Politely. Said he was full up. Smiled at me. I'm not sure I believed him, but I took him at his word. Maybe he wasn't hungry. I won't know. But, my own piece of angel food cake felt stuck somewhere between my throat and my heart. And I want to find that man a coat. This week. Then it will feel like Christmas.

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GIRL's take on Christmas

I've been in a black fog for the last week. Some of it self-inflicted, a lot of it...not. One of the many blessings of having little children is that they will frequently utter something that brings you to your knees, or at the very least... to tears. A few days ago I was tossing another load into the washer and GIRL called out to me urgently.

GIRL: Mama!....MAMA!???

JCK: Yes, GIRL!

GIRL: Mama, come here. I need you.

JCK: Just a second, GIRL. Let me just finish putting this load of laundry in the washer.

GIRL: O.K., Mama.

GIRL is patiently sitting at her art table, waiting for JCK.

JCK: O.K., sweetie. What did you need?

GIRL: Mama?

JCK: Yes....

GIRL: Mama, I think Christmas is more about love and delight than getting things.

And, in the midst of my black mood, and feeling like I never get anything done, I got off the mommy madness merry-go-round, and realized that something very right is going on here. And I get to be a part of it....

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...into the wilds of Georgia

JCK and crew have returned from the WILDS of GEORGIA. Perhaps most don't think of Georgia as the wild lands. JCK is here to tell you different.

The flight to Atlanta was uneventful. Yes, JCK just used those words...uneventful. In fact, mid-4 1/2 hour flight, JCK and E looked at each other in wonder. BOY & GIRL were sitting together. Alone. As in...all by themselves. Well... across the row from JCK & E.

FREEDOM!! FREEDOM!!! Belt it, honey! FREEDOM! Hallelujah! Amen. Absorbed in small TV screens in front of them, and with headphones on, they were.... fairly QUIET. In fact, JCK and E could have brought a book along to read. Yes, JCK did just say those very words...a book to read.

The car trip from the Atlanta airport to Lake Lanier, where E's parents live, was LOUD. But, come on people, JCK's children aren't perfect.

On the first day in the wilds of Georgia, BOY had his first "adventure." As the family took a walk around the lakefront, BOY noticed a pile of "mud" that looked intriguing. After all, Georgia mud is different from ...California dirt. He scooped a handful up and, without pause, started screaming. Indeed. He had lifted the roof off of a fire ant nest. Luck was with him, as he only received one fiery bite before JCK managed to knock the dirt and other ants off of his hand.

Oh, yes....while at the lake, GIRL & BOY experienced many new things. BOY, not to be subdued by mere fire ants decided to truly test the waters. On Thanksgiving, after spending the morning daring the fates....by balancing on the edge of the dock and "pretending" to fall off...really FELL OFF. In over his head.

BOY HOWDY was it COLD. If BOY was a cork, he could not have popped up quicker. As he surfaced, his mouth formed a perfect OOOOOOOOOO of distress, as he wailed..."I've ruined my BIRTHDAY clothes!!" (He had turned 6 a few days before, but the horror of falling in the cold lake was enough to scramble what words he could generate.) Operation Rescue, JCK and her brother-n-law were right there when it happened. Since BOY bobbed up right next to the dock, JCK managed to reach in and lift that little rascal out. JCK must note that she would have been royally PISSED if she had had to jump in. Her good suede pants and coat would not have survived the plunge.

Moments later, after getting dried off by a towel, he ran up to his 2 year old male cousin, and uttered: LITTLE BOY? THAT LAKE IS COLD!

GIRL had wonderful adventures that did not include pain. She learned how to make biscuits from scratch with her Granny- the two of them a great team, naming themselves...The Biscuit Buddies. And...she had a big time fishing with Daddy off the dock. She almost caught her first fish, but pulled the line in just before the fish was hooked. E caught 4 small Brim, and let them go. JCK is envisioning a future Father/Daughter fishing trip.

BOY fished for a whole 5 minutes before he created his own CRITTER RESCUE SERVICE. He started scooping out the minnows from the bait bucket, tossing them into the lake and watching them swim free. He only stopped when E promised that he could set them free at the end of the visit. On the last day, minnows and night crawlers were returned to nature, in spite of a different habitat from whence they came. And all was well with the world...

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The bibs are gone...

I threw out the bibs today. The one with the fat ladybugs, the fire engine red cloth one that brought out the blush in Boy's little chubby cheeks, the starfish... all gone to the deep memories of when my children were babies. I couldn't part with the retro cowgirls bib. It was barely used. I'll put that one away. Boy wore bibs for about the first 9 months? He was a constant drooler and we had to do mop patrol. Girl never liked bibs much during meal time. My babies...such a whirlwind having 2 children in a year. Much of it a blur. Yet, as my fingertips let the bibs go I felt that familiar rush of tears. And the memories of their sweet round faces above the bibs will stay with me forever.


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JCK is on reruns. She'll be back soon.

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What is up with those fishnets, anyway?

JCK realizes that there has been some discussion, some lingering curiosity about her fishnets. JCK wishes to make clear that the fishnets are more of a symbol, an indication of what lies under the surface of a stay-at-home mom with two children both now 4 years old and only 10 months apart. Insanity? Well...there is THAT. Yet, JCK adores being a mother. It is by far the best thing that has ever happened to her. And like all great things in life, every day is not perfect. Or even remotely close. Just the idea that she can still wear fishnets, if she wants to, and that chocolate, caffeine and whiskey...stay the tide, intoxicates her with good vibrations... and even...chocolate orgasms.

JCK wanted to convey to her readers that although she is ripe of age, she is not like an old fruitcake that appears to turn up again and again... No, back in the day when Madonna was like a Virgin, JCK was known to wear a fishnet or two. JCK was quite the lace and glove gal, yes she was. It is documented here.

JCK HATES housework. In fact, she is quite inept when it comes to cleaning. But, for inspiration she has been known to put fishnets on her hands and pose for her blog. This was during a period of deep self-inflated, perimenopausal stupidity, of which the only benefit was that she distracted herself from actually cleaning.

But, dear readers, JCK will not let you down that easily. There is one story, one little gem that she can share...

It was a Valentine's Day in 1994. JCK was living in cohabitation with a certain someone who is now her husband. JCK decided that she would surprise her man when he came home from a hard day's labor. She decided that she would whip up a delicious meal and throw on something sexy. JCK dug deep into her drawer of intimate apparel. She found what she was looking for. JCK sorted through her flashy disco tops, and chose a pink number.

So, on that Valentine's evening in 1994, E walked in the house and followed the delicious aroma wafting from the kitchen. Once he arrived in the kitchen, he found what he was looking for... JCK was attired in a flashy pink jacket that fell just below her tush. Fishnets, stiletto pumps, and nothing else... As to what was cooking on the stove? Neither JCK nor her LOVAH seem to remember.

JCK highly recommends trying on a pair of fishnets from time to time. There is something about the texture, the roughness of the material, especially over that most sensual spot just behind the knee...that inspires naughty notions.


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It's Thanksgiving vacation. JCK is on reruns. Have a wonderful Thanksgiving!

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It is the year of GIRL's blossoming

It was GIRL's night, Thursday night. A scrumptious delight of my little girl in ballet costume, hair in "ballet bun," and bright smile. She had her first recital, an evening performance, and she loved it! My little girl in a pink swirly dress, dancing in The Little Nutcracker. Perhaps best of all was sitting up front with BOY, as he watched his sister, calling out to her as she was exiting the stage....

HI, GIRL!

And, she frowning, and then chopping her hand down through the air, as if to say...HUSH, BOY, THIS IS SERIOUS. I'm on stage!

It is the year of GIRL's blossoming. I see it at school. At home. In all aspects of her life. It is precious. And, I feel blessed that she has this year before Kindergarten. One more year of lunching regularly together. I sense the time going by, and am holding on to the moments as best I can....

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"At Play" sculpture from The Sculpture Gallery.

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GIRL asks big questions

GIRL: Mama, what's THE most important thing in life?

JCK: Oh, GIRL.... let's see. I'll tell you the first thing that comes to mind. Kindness, GIRL. Kindness is the most important thing.


This after her question last week...Mommy, when is the end of life?

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What would your answer be? To either question.

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The Charter for Compassion

THE CHARTER FOR COMPASSION:

"A call to bring the world together…

The principle of compassion lies at the heart of all religious, ethical and spiritual traditions, calling us always to treat all others as we wish to be treated ourselves. Compassion impels us to work tirelessly to alleviate the suffering of our fellow creatures, to dethrone ourselves from the centre of our world and put another there, and to honour the inviolable sanctity of every single human being, treating everybody, without exception, with absolute justice, equity and respect.

It is also necessary in both public and private life to refrain consistently and empathically from inflicting pain. To act or speak violently out of spite, chauvinism, or self-interest, to impoverish, exploit or deny basic rights to anybody, and to incite hatred by denigrating others—even our enemies—is a denial of our common humanity. We acknowledge that we have failed to live compassionately and that some have even increased the sum of human misery in the name of religion.

We therefore call upon all men and women ~ to restore compassion to the centre of morality and religion ~ to return to the ancient principle that any interpretation of scripture that breeds violence, hatred or disdain is illegitimate ~ to ensure that youth are given accurate and respectful information about other traditions, religions and cultures ~ to encourage a positive appreciation of cultural and religious diversity ~ to cultivate an informed empathy with the suffering of all human beings—even those regarded as enemies.

We urgently need to make compassion a clear, luminous and dynamic force in our polarized world. Rooted in a principled determination to transcend selfishness, compassion can break down political, dogmatic, ideological and religious boundaries. Born of our deep interdependence, compassion is essential to human relationships and to a fulfilled humanity. It is the path to enlightenment, and indispensible to the creation of a just economy and a peaceful global community."

You can affirm The Charter of Compassion here.

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Yet...children are not necessarily good for marriage

How do you explain divorce to a 5 year old child? It's hard. It's damn hard. And it's not even my divorce. It's been a bad year in our circle this year. I know of six divorces, and all of these involve couples with children. I've had to do it a lot. Try to explain...the why to my children. And one time is more than enough.

But, why are they getting divorced?

Well...sometimes mommies and daddies really, really try hard, and finally decide that their marriage isn't going to work.

But, why isn't it going to work?

Well, mommies and daddies might have different beliefs, and they just can't agree over time, and they decide to get divorced.

But, why?

Children are an incredible blessing. Yet... children are not necessarily good for marriage. It is a seduction. So...very easy to be sucked up into the vortex of children, missing the fact that your marriage needs tending.

As to explaining the why to my children? I cannot come up with an explanation that fits their understanding. I may understand. I may not understand. No one really comprehends the inner workings of someone else's marriage. It is difficult enough to try and figure out your own marriage.

It feels delicate to me. Marriage. And, perhaps out of my own naivete, I never realized that before. But, I've been married for 14 years now, and as I see marriages fold all around me, I know that nothing is ever certain. And, I need to get out my broom, and sweep away some cobwebs...

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JCK visiting The Women's Colony today

JCK is honored to be featured in The Women's Colony today. JCK is greatly relieved to think she is elsewhere, due to being assaulted with challenging questions...

Mommy, when is the end of life?

Mommy, why does my chest look like this? Why aren't my breasts fat like yours?

And interesting tales...

Well, when I went to work in Connecticut last night, I stopped by and saw President Obama. He was happy to see me. I'm doing very important work, you know, Mom.

Apparently so...

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A little candy fairy tale...

Once upon a time, on Halloween Night, there was a small BOY, dressed as a Rescue Ranger from the Grand Canyon, and a small GIRL, dressed as Dorothy from The Wizard of Oz. Both were cuter than cutest.

They were very excited about getting....candy. This BOY and this GIRL gathered much candy over a 2 block radius. Their parents were both proud, and... horrified. What was a parent to do? With all that...candy.

It was then that they found out about the candy fairy. Indeed. The candy fairy is a very special fairy. She takes the extra candy and brings it to sick children in the hospital, who can't get out to trick-or-treat themselves. This idea filled the parents with warm & fuzzy thoughts. And...the candy fairy leaves behind a present. This idea filled the children with warm & fuzzy thoughts.

So, this small BOY and small GIRL, picked out their allowed 5 pieces for that night. And, after saving 2 pieces each for the next night, they left out all the rest of the candy on the front porch for the candy fairy.

Then the small BOY and small GIRL slipped into a sugar coma and slept until morning. Their mommy and daddy...also ate candy and slipped into a sugar coma until morning.

It so happened that the time LEAPED back that evening. And the children's parents could have danced a jig, because they would get an extra hour of rest...

Alas, it was not to be. The small BOY arose at 5:30AM!! As if ...it were Christmas morning! The BOY dashed madly to the front door, and threw back the bolts to open the door and discover....a small toy for both a small GIRL and a small BOY. And perhaps 2 small candies. All was good with the world.

Until....the small BOY & small GIRL shrieked with joy into...the tender ears of their sleeping parents. Indeed. All WAS AWAKE in the world.

The End

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Motherhood and Identity...is it a crisis?

I sit at my desk surrounded by tangible items identifying me as Mama. Adorable drawings of a little girl, by a little girl... I LOVE MOMMY carefully written across the top or bottom. I receive these gifts almost every day. If I look up, there are small handmade gems from both my girl and boy amongst the books. My son's letter practice sheets, painstakingly done - practically bludgeoned across the boxes...accomplished with me by his side, are to my left. An ongoing challenge, sometime battle, yet...success at the end. It is what I do.

Motherhood and identity...is it a crisis?

My children are glorious little beings that define a large part of who I am. This amazingly fluid role of Mommy is one that I embrace fully. And Thank GOD for it every day.

My desk is littered with papers, most of them relating to scheduling the household for play dates and activities, with folders to my right designated: Current Bills, Massage, School, To Do, Writing Ideas... Oh, yes, that. Somewhat telling... That Writing Ideas folder? Is buried at the bottom of the stack.

Motherhood and Identity...is it a crisis?

As a mother, I feel more confident than I have ever felt about anything. It is a natural fit for me. I like to think I do it mostly with joy and occasionally, if I'm lucky, with wonder. With doses of resentment thrown in for good measure. To keep me on my toes... But, you have to watch that RESENTMENT. It can be a nasty beast, rearing its head and taking over.

Motherhood and identity...is it a crisis?

There is a definitive link between being a mother and the risk of losing one's self. I'd like to flip that around. Being a mother and the risk of finding oneself. Perhaps a life long journey. Perhaps just under one's nose. I believe My Truth is on the desk, buried under stacks. Let's hope I open it up, before it atrophies...

Motherhood and identity...is it a crisis?



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Note: Upcoming Post about How Marriage fits into this complicated equation.

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"Woman Holding a Balance" -Painting by Johannes Vermeer.

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Page after page was turned

We tucked into the couch, he and I, for a good read. Go, Dog. Go! - by P.D. Eastman. And, the blond haired boy with big, blue eyes began to read. To me. Page after page was turned. Until the end.

This BOY who has had some challenges, is now in the advanced reading group in his Kindergarten class. He is being recognized for his strengths.

My BOY is reading. Let the fun begin!



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Book cover photo courtesy of Google Images.

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Let's turn things off once in a while, and tune in to our children

My daughter's preschool has a rule about cell phones. Don't use them on the school property. At the beginning of the year, they politely send out a reminder that although they recognize that some phone calls are important, there is nothing more important than focusing on your child at pick-up and drop-off. It's a great rule. Most parents comply, and it invites actual socializing between parents, before and after school. Unfortunately, the art of conversation with a person in person...appears to be on the wane.

Yesterday I realized that the ante must be upped, after witnessing a dad sucked into THE VORTEX ...quietly and furtively using his cell phone to check emails, and zipping off a few text messages. Meanwhile, his daughter was madly trying to get his attention while racing across the pavement on a firetruck tricycle.

Daddy! Daddy! Look at ME!

Mmm hmmmm. Yes, mmmm hmmm.

Never once did he look up, except to turn his body a bit, away from the morning sun, which apparently was causing a glare to his cell phone screen.

He won't get those five minutes back.

It is everywhere. This constant of chatting on the phone, or engaging in texting, while "being with your child." We, as women, the ultimate multi-taskers, are probably most at fault. How many times do you see a mom picking up her school age children, while waving them into the car and driving away, all while on the phone? What about that little conversation that starts....how was your day today, honey? Yes, what about THAT.

Get off the phone!

I'm sorry, people, it just doesn't fly. It's called NARCISSISM. Some might even call it ...masturbation. Because, at some point, that is what it IS. Really.

Hey, can you do that somewhere else? Somewhere...P.R.I.V.A.T.E.?!!

Sadly, it's not just the parents. Now, the nannies are doing it, too. Go to any playground and you'll see children playing. And adults talking... to someone else, who is not present.

I understand that going to the playground with your children can be tedious and boring. Yet... It's also such a delicious opportunity to see those magical moments. Your daughter making it across the monkey bars for the first time. Your son hugging a child who is hurt. The sudden realization that time is fleeting ...and somehow another year has passed, and your children are almost too big for this playground.

We have truly become an addicted society. We need to be tuned in. We need to have our phone on ...just in case. We need to check our email one last time, because ....well, you know. There might be something URGENT. This whole thing of constantly being available to the universe at large is disconcerting. Can we breathe without an electronic connection? Can we?

Let's turn things off once in a while, and tune in to our children. It will be a decision we will never regret.

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he didn't marry me with an out clause

My husband and I differ when it comes to our wedding anniversary. Each year I check off the year as if in wonderment that we have arrived here. It is both with gleeful surprise and satisfaction that I can say that we've scaled another year together as husband and wife. I feel victorious. As if we entered an obstacle course race 14 years ago, and we continue to be in it, not giving up on the hurdles.

E looks at things differently. He assumes that we have gotten through another year, and he assumes that we will get through all the years that lay ahead. Why? Because, of course we will. As he says, he didn't marry me with an out clause. I love this about E. It is what I need. He is the solid oak that I can lean against. It helps during the challenging times. Even when I can't see straight, I know that he is not going to sneak out the back door.

Actually...we're not a back door couple. Ahem...We lean toward the dramatic, both being very passionate people. If there is a door to go out of, it will be the front door and the exit will not be quiet. Fortunately, we do not fight often. However, the challenge for both of us is to remember that we have two small children listening to every word we say, and...perhaps most importantly, to communicate to our children that grown-ups do argue, but it doesn't mean that we don't love each other or that we are headed for divorce.

These days, 14 years is no small feat. Especially when there is the continual journey of discovering who we are as individuals - which can redefine how we are in our relationship to each other. As I look around and see so many of my friends' marriages in crisis, I know that these issues - of balancing children, careers, financial stability, and mid-life awakenings, are all valid reasons for dividing couples. Or opportunities for growth, if you're lucky enough to be with the right person. But, growth is hard. And, messy. No one gets out clean.

My parents divorced after 17 years. I never remember them fighting. Suddenly our family exploded, and life was never the same. Perhaps there were signs, but as a young teen, I didn't see them. Now, as an adult, I can understand much more of what challenges my parents faced. I will always be sad that they divorced. Yet...I think it was the right decision for them. And the richness that my step-parents have brought to my life is full and deep.

Some marriages make it and some don't. I haven't quite gotten to the place where my husband is. That assumption that we will be together for the duration - soaring and plummeting as the cycle of marriage always does. But, I like to think that I'm closer to being a solid oak for him. Because, every marriage needs two oaks - growing separately, yet letting their branches intertwine and soar toward the sky...

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Of life once lived without blogging...[a repeat]

Tonight I dream the dream
of innocence, of life
once lived without blogging.

The evenings in which
I spent, stretched out
with a book on my belly.

And now I sit in a chair
upright yet, somewhat slouched
immersed in words of my own making.

It is a new chapter
at best, challenging me
at worst, an addiction.

Sometimes the growth burns
an intensity, that glows
deep in my primal lava.

This writing life so
all consuming, myriad moments
fueling a rapturous thirst I cannot quench...



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JCK is currently searching for her primal lava. Hence the repeat of the poem above. Lately she has been immersed in a..a....a..shhhhh...BOOK. Such decadence! Such deliciousness poised between pages! She hopes to create her own lush verbiage...soon.

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I am away from here

I want to be here in this space. I look at the gaps between my writings. They are large. Life is being lived in-between, yet I crave this space, and the time to write. My teeth are bared, and I ache to grab the time back...

I've been plagued with a ferocious headache for the last two days. Nothing seems to keep it at bay. The pain has transcended my head and burrowed downward into my spine and hips. Hello...fibromyalgia. I don't want you back... And, my sleep was perhaps disturbed upwards of 5 times last night, by both children who called out with bad dreams, or had kicked off covers. Then there was... the cat, and, of course, my own mind blazing away at 2am. No rest for the weary. Indeed...

I am away from here. And, I miss it.

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And saying YES to more than I can ACTUALLY DO is a disservice to everyone involved

Yes. I admit it. I am guilty. Of trying to do too much. So? Inevitably, what always happens is this... I've lost my balls. Perhaps not my sense of humor. Entirely. But, it has been close. And, when you are a juggler, losing your balls is...not too good. Once again, I have been feeling as if... I am running in a hamster wheel of my own design.

So, as I begin to say NO to things, after I already said YES... Now, that's always a delightful dance to wiggle through. You've said YES, YES. And, you go back...and say, but NO. Yes, Yes! it IS a slippery slope, of being a disapointment to someone. Anyone? When much of your existence, dammit!, is based on being a people pleaser. But, come ON, JCK! Tis' time to throw off the mantle of pleasing, and embrace what comes with age. The wisdom and freedom of saying NO. And, being O.K. with it. Ahem... Still working on that later piece...

Yet, I must. I must say NO. I must put up the boundaries to my own life, and refocus on what is truly doable. And, important. Why? Because I am not good to anyone when I don't do that. And saying YES to more than I can ACTUALLY DO is a disservice to everyone involved, and not the role modeling I wish to show my children. Most especially my daughter.

Because... I think we as women say YES far too much. Out of guilt. Out of fear of disapointing... And really, out of an illogical, perhaps overly smug, conceited sense of what we can handle. Because we can handle A LOT. After all, we are the ultimate Multi-Taskers, right? Yes. We are brilliant at multi-tasking! Look, look at me GOOOO.... See how much I CAN DOOOO..... True, life would be impossible without that skill. However, there is multi-tasking and there is...being blind to what is truly possible to achieve, with one's health intact. Yes! Health not limited to the body, but the mind and spirit. All intersect. Here.

I am sorting through right now. Because, that is what works best. For me. The sorting. Taking a small task, and accomplishing what I set out to do. Crossing things off lists. And, most of all, spending time with my children.

Tonight, once more transported on the imagination of Mary Pope Osborne, I read "Haunted Castle on All Hallows Eve," ,from the Magic Tree House series, to BOY & GIRL. Chapter after chapter, until the end, and I had been reading for an hour and ten minutes. All of us, captured by the tale. I lost track of time. But, my time was SO well spent. And I will go to bed, and sleep better. I think. No... I KNOW this.

Yes, there is STILL a list of all there is left yet for me to do. Yes, some things will have to wait. And, some things will not be done. Period. But, hopefully, hopefully I will not be awake at 3am again, unable to sleep, wrestling with my psyche. Berating myself for all that is out of my control. Because life is too short. And I'm in my second half of it. And I want to experience it fully. So, tonight, and on into tomorrow I will be saying NO. And breathing easier...


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"Her trepidation diminished"- A Painting by Chuck Gumpert.

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Buh-Bye!

Apparently I say this. This...this... Buh-Bye, thing.

Every time I hang up on the telephone. I hear this...

Mommy, you said it... again.

I did?

Yes! It is bye-bye. Not Buh-Bye!

And so it goes... It appears that I cannot break this habit of Le Buh-Bye.

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And then there was the recent discussion of the weight limit on the bunk beds in Boy's & Girl's room.

GIRL: We can go on the top bunk. But, Mommy is over the weight limit for the top bunk.

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BOY is reading. Everywhere. Anything. It is very exciting. Yesterday, we were backing out of a parking lot and he suddenly said...

B**** S****!

BOY, that is a BAD WORD!

Mommy, I was just reading that license plate.

JCK: What!?

BOY: That license plate. Over there.

JCK: Oh...BOB SMITH. I thought you said something else...

GIRL: What, Mommy!? WHAT did you think BOY said? What was the BAD WORD?

JCK: Never mind....

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And, is the "happy family" truly happy, or is it an illusion?

Perhaps we are all...but caged animals in the zoo. Listen... These are the rules. You are allowed to pace the length and breadth of the cage, but you are not allowed out into the world.

STAY ALERT! You must be ready to be viewed at any hour. Hold yourself well. People are watching. BE CAREFUL! The gorilla next door may suddenly want your cage. So, don't get comfortable on your shredded mat, reeking of feral spray. WAKE UP! Nothing is your own. Really. Nothing at all. Except your thoughts. And those, sometimes far, far too perilous to unravel.

How do we look to others? Perception. It is a funny thing. Does one family reflect happiness and another seem just ...ordinary? And, is the "happy family" truly happy, or is it an illusion? A painted picture labored over for hours to be held up as true. Is the ordinary family really the happy one? Can you quantify happiness? Rage...remorse ...revulsion?

What if you stretch yourself beyond what you thought possible? And there is no foothold when you reach the end. Suddenly... there YOU are. Dangling. Vulnerable. Raw. Tired. Your safety net no longer there.

Retreat. Reassess. Reveal. Then, reel yourself back in. Because, you must... It's time to clean out the cage.

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A Unicorn, Fancy Tea, Birthday Luncheon Party for GIRL

She is 5 now. My GIRL. We are both surprised at the speed at which it has come. Somehow 5 seems bigger, older, just ...more. Sometimes she forgets, and still says she is 4. Then she laughs, and corrects herself. She is pleased. With this. The being of 5.

I am struck by her growth in self-confidence, and her comfort level. She is more comfortable in her skin. She loves her preschool, and it is a definite advantage to be at the same school again. There is the familiarity of the place, yet she is in the Pre-K group this time, and loves being one of the oldest in the class. For the last two years in preschool, she was one of the youngest. This year it is "her school." Hers alone. BOY has his own school. And, she has something for herself.

She has made a best friend at school. And, they are inseparable. Last year, she had friends, but was perfectly content to play alone much of the time. It is lovely to see her blossoming socially.

A couple of Sundays ago, in the midst of E's intense rehearsal schedule, and BOY's change of schools, we had a birthday party for GIRL. After much consultation, she and I decided on a fancy tea party. But, GIRL also wanted a Unicorn theme. And her special request? She wanted a drop off birthday party. So, we had a Unicorn, Fancy Tea, Birthday Luncheon Party. 7 little dressed up girls, (one mom who stayed to help), and BOY came to tea.

The table was set with fine china. A combination of my great-grandmother's china, and some added china cups I found at a local thrift store. GIRL helped me pick out the floral table cloth and napkins at the party store. A large toy unicorn, with a sparkly blue mane, was centered on the table with pink and lavender streamers leading up to the light fixture. GIRL folded the napkins, and helped set the table. Together we arranged the seating, making sure that everyone would feel comfortable.

When the girls had all arrived, we sat down to luncheon. GIRL was a wonderful hostess, introducing the girls to each other. Another mom and I helped guide the platters around the table. I served Teddy Bear Tea and apple juice. Our Teddy Bear Tea is simply chamomile tea with a liberal amount of honey and milk. The girls loved eating off of china plates, and drinking out of china cups. BOY enjoyed hamming it up and making the girls laugh.

We had PB & J fancy tea sandwiches, with crusts cut off. Platters of fresh strawberries, little pigs in a blanket, meatballs, cheese cubes, dried blueberries, and warm cheese and ham puffed pastries. Almost everything had frilly toothpicks. Because...why not?

After lunch, each girl had a unicorn to color. Then the girls played for a bit outside and in the playroom. Right before cake time, I gathered everyone for a story. I read "The Midnight Unicorn" by Neil Reed. It is a lovely story about a young girl who goes to the park each week with her father to visit a unicorn statue. On this visit, the unicorn comes alive under her hands, and flies through the sky, taking her to snowy mountains, a warm desert, and to frolic with other unicorns in the ocean's surf.

And, of course, no party is without drama...and humor. Well, humor in retrospect. After successfully gathering everyone outside in the front yard for a group photo, as I was leaning over to take the shot...a rather LARGE praying mantis landed on my bare back! (My fancy halter dress picked out of my closet by GIRL.) So, while I tried not to SCREAM, my friend picked up a small stick and tried to flip the praying mantis off my back. She didn't want to touch it either! The poor praying mantis hopped around on my back a few times, before taking the hint to hop OFF. I believe I aged several more years...

Then it was time for cake! I made a chocolate cake with white icing, sprinkled with lavender sugar, silver candles, and pink lettering. I found a beautiful cream colored toy unicorn with a glittery mane and tail to front the cake.

I wanted to keep things simple, and not have the requisite bag of party favors. Yet, the quest for getting each guest a unicorn, took me to 4 different TarJAY stores...a brief dip into an insanity of my own making. But, it was all worth it! Each girl left with a small stuffed animal unicorn.

GIRL was thrilled with her party, and I had at least as much fun. The highlight for BOY may have been the praying mantis. As for the girls? I think they liked the frilly toothpicks best...

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It is a good and healthy thing to see your husband doing what he does best

I sat and watched him on stage tonight. The man with the longish hair and mustache. I noticed every little nuance of his performance. The different beats he took within the lines. Made it seem so effortless. And, it isn't. I smiled, seeing him having so much fun up there. Bringing to life a character from the south who no longer exists.

I am in awe of his direction. Of tackling this theater piece. And, of how well it delivered. He is so very talented. My husband.

It is a good and healthy thing to see your husband doing what he does best. The fire in his belly came out and touched us all tonight. And I sit here basking in the afterglow...

Congratulations, E!

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Blues & Bar-B-Q Stage Company Presents... Hottest theater ticket in Pasadena

My very talented husband has a show opening tonight. "The Andersonville Trial", a play by Saul Levitt. It is the first show produced under E's theater company, The Blues & Bar-B-Q Stage Company. Man of many hats, he's also directing and...has a rather large role. A gargantuan feat, and he pulls it off. The cast is all professional actors who have a passion for the theatre. It is the hottest theater ticket in Pasadena!

Run, do not walk, to...

All Saints Pasadena
132 N. Euclid Avenue.
Pasadena, CA
Venue: The Forum.
Tonight through Saturday night 8pm.
Sunday 2pm & 7:30pm.
$10 donation suggested.

The best donation you've ever spent.


Those who TWITTER. Please TWEET AWAY!!


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JCK will return to her blog very soon. She's busy cheering her husband on, and ...doing a pretty good impression of a ping pong ball. Whoops...there she goes rolling down the hill, NO...she slammed against the wall, but NO she's back AGAIN, here she comes...NO, down the hill again, SLAM... Damn, that JCK is resilient.

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This parenting stuff is a crap shoot...

Last Friday, after BOY had been in Kindergarten two days, we received a phone call from a Charter school that they had an opening for BOY in Kindergarten. And...we had to let them know by Monday. Yep. So, after consulting with friends and a special education consultant who did express some cautions, and...after spending an hour or so at the school on Monday, we decided to move him. Again.

Unfortunately, we had been greatly disappointed in his Kindergarten class so far. True, it had only been two days, but some red flags had been raised. On the first day, I watched a little boy sob while his mom tried to say good-bye. A very normal sight during the transition to Kindergarten. However, what bothered me was that the teacher did not go over to help the mother. And...when the mother finally bit the bullet and left herself, the teacher continued to let him sob by himself at a table alone. It killed me. She finally did approach him when she was ready to talk to the class as a group.

Kindergarten appears to be a big adjustment for most children. For those children who had a few years of play based preschool, it is quite a surprise to have to "go to work." However, I believe that a good Kindergarten class can still have fun, and incorporate a bit of play time and creativity within the structure of the day. There was none of that in this class. BOY, who has always loved school, appeared subdued and sad when I picked him up. It was incredibly disappointing to look into the other Kindergarten classrooms and see that they did have a set of blocks, small toys, a cozy corner, etc. BOY's classroom looked like a...class room.

The school introduced a dual-immersion language program in Kindergarten & First Grade this year. There is a wonderful excitement and infusion of committed parents and teachers. It looks to be a fabulous program. The classrooms are bright and colorful, and the teachers are excited about teaching.

Unfortunately, it feels like the regular Kindergarten classes are being overlooked, which is unfortunate. I know it must be extremely challenging for the Principal to have the new language program and manage the other classrooms. However, the other classrooms are also full of darling little children, eager to learn.

I think it is very important that BOY have room to run and play during recess. However, because of scheduling and dealing with added enrollment in Kindergarten, BOY's class had to use the preschool playground. The preschool playground that is not big enough for preschoolers. Not exactly a place where children can run and stretch. And by BOY's last day there, Tuesday, he had spent quite a few minutes benched during recess, for misbehavior.

So, what was the difficulty in the decision to move him? The new school does not have aides in the classroom. He will have one teacher at a time, except for an occasional parent volunteer. It is a big risk.

He can still get his Occupational Therapy services both at this school, and at the clinic after school. We wouldn't have moved him if he didn't continue to get these services. I plan to work closely with the new Special Education team. We will have an IEP in 30 days to create a plan to help make his transition and learning successful.

Yet...the new school is on a large campus up in the hills, where BOY will get to move his body. The teachers are young and enthusiastic and passionate about teaching. There are chickens in a large pen, in the play area outside his classroom. Along with large sandboxes made by parent volunteers, a water table, and easels for painting. The classrooms all have a whole wall of windows looking outside. Inside they are bright and cheery, with wide open space. The regular recess playground is a huge, wide open space. They have a morning recess there with the other Kindergarten class, and the lunch recess is shared with the 1st and 2nd graders.

The school is different in their approach. Instead of staying in one room all day, the kids move to two other classrooms. They have a math class and a literacy class. So, BOY has 3 teachers. He starts out with his main teacher, then moves to Reading class, and later the Math class.With recesses and lunch thrown in between, and he finishes up with his main teacher.

Some children with sensory integration issues are overwhelmed by all the moving about to different places. I am hopeful that this will not be an issue for BOY, but that it will help him not having to stay in one classroom all day. We shall see...

It is yet another change for BOY, and he is handling it so well. He appears to like it, and has a close friend in the other Kindergarten class who he gets to play with during the recess times. But, it is new for him. And a little scary. He cried yesterday when I dropped him off. It was so hard to hand him off to the Kindergarten teacher and walk away. So hard. I need to let him make his way a bit. Yet, he is my little boy...

On Monday I got to sit in and observe his three teachers. I really liked what I saw. The teachers have different teaching styles, but all have a firm hand. Since BOY is starting to read, I have high hopes that his passion for reading will flourish there.

One of the biggest challenges, this year, will be his writing. It is difficult for BOY, but he will get there. He is reluctant to do it, because he thinks he cannot do it. But, like so many things in BOY's young life so far, he is unable to do something...and suddenly we realize that he is just doing it. He had to get there in his own time.

The journey continues. I hope and pray it is the right decision. This parenting stuff is a crap shoot...

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Exhaustion...

I am so exhausted, it is like slogging through thick water. It is all I can do not to crawl into bed with my children when I tuck them in at night. But, I can't. Much as the image delights. I have too much left on the plate. It is these big parenting decisions that drain me. I sail valiantly, managing to navigate through during the day, but come evening my energy is long gone.

So, here I sit to write and I am just too bloody tired to do it. Those lovely little phrases that fly through my brain during the day...those fleeting gems? Go to sleep at night.

Much as I can be the Drama Queen, sometimes I yearn for just an ordinary time. What is that like? A time where some crisis isn't occuring. When life is just...humming along, rather than the shriek of tires on asphalt signifying another jolting change. That must be made. I know I bought a ticket on this Parenting Train, but I didn't quite understand the extent of what a one way ticket really means.

My berth is calling. And...to save my sanity...so shall I retire to the sleeping car...

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It was a bit like trying to move forward with someone going sideways

I have a Kindergartner. My small, ever growing BOY. The one with the hair of golden wheat and blueberry eyes. Yesterday was his first day, and he was so nervous. I don't know if I played up Kindergarten too much, or whether that is just where he went in his head. I was surprised. He didn't want to get out of bed, and poked around endlessly. Suddenly a cookie box must be made into a rocket...on the way to getting in the car. Finally, once we were on the way, he started to relax.

When we got to school, he wanted to wear his backpack. Then...NO. Maybe...his backpack was too heavy. It was a bit like trying to move forward with someone going sideways. Yet, once we reached the entrance he was ready to go to the classroom and see his friends from last year. In the classroom he immediately sat down with his buddy. I watched him for a bit, took a few pictures, and then GIRL and I hugged him good-bye and ...left. We surprised BOY with brownies topped with star candles last night. The marking of a new beginning.

Today was better, but the eagerness to be at school is overshadowed by the newness of Kindergarten. And the growing knowledge that "Kinder" is different from preschool.

BOY: In Kindergarten there is no playing inside, just outside.

My heart ached a little when he said that. Perhaps because his perception has truth. He is past preschool now. And more will be expected of him each year. He has begun the journey through school. Sometimes a hazardous path. Hopefully matched with lots of unexpected excitement for him along the way.

The teacher, according to BOY, talks too much. Ahem... This from a BOY who rarely stops talking.

My favorite moment in the last two days was watching BOY grab a new boy's hand and then join hands with another buddy. BOY, central, between them. The bridge between friends old and new...

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Midriff Malaise

The skin is different now
softer, lacking youthful carelessness
more hillocks, less firm flesh
yet it is hers, she owns it.

There are the dark days,
when she feels betrayed
her stomach, lying there
as if a flaccid wound.

But then, it shifts
and the soft skin
feels comforting and full,
a pillow for a lover's head.

Metallic pants that thrust
her lushness upward
like a muffin top
do not tempt her.

She is not young
or old, quite yet
hers, not a life bound
nor wasted on midriff malaise.




Poem by JCK
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Photo Credit: Woman in waves painting courtesy of Google Images

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I'm not sure I remember arriving here, at this place in time

It's been a wonderful week of hours at the pool, trips down the water slide, good meals, and a nourishing visit with Ma'Mai and Pops. BOY & GIRL have tumbled into bed exhausted every night. Falling asleep within minutes. Later than they usually go to bed, but the descent into slumber is effortless.

GIRL fell in love with horseback riding. Her smile bigger than the horse. BOY made friends wherever he went, his curiousity and zest for life always taking us to new places.

We visited tide pools at Point Lobos, where craggy cliffs and cypress trees

overlook exquisite kelp gardens.

Then there was the Aquarium in Monterey, truly state of the art.

The sea horses were my favorite. BOY loved the simulated wave, and GIRL the sea otters.

Summer is ending, and part of me wants to hold on to it. My little GIRL will be 5 in two weeks. And my BOY starts Kindergarten on Thursday. I'm not sure I remember arriving here, at this place in time. Yet, I am here. And, blessed for it...

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Putting Pen to Paper: the Right Brain vs. the Left Brain

CREEEAAKK... It is like opening up a rusty treasure box. This delicate balance of writing here and there. Here the words trip over themselves when the box is, at last, opened. As if they can no longer be contained...

There, in the other world of starting a business, an enterprise where the writing is from the left brain, I must think cleanly and clearly. Precise and concise in my business prose.

Here, when I can quiet the many self-admonishes of things left undone, is the box now grown rusted and life worn. Yet, once the lock and hinges are oiled, there is always an abundance inside.

Putting Pen to Paper: the Right Brain vs. the Left Brain. Writing for my massage business web site. Leftt brain. Writing here, when the writing is juicy, is right brain exuberance. The infusion of both, perhaps ...crazy making.

And where is the woman with the fishnets? The sassy one. Yes, that one. She beckons me. I see her, yet I can't quite hear her. Her mouth opens and shuts, the silence unnerving.

The right brain dictates today. A trail hard to follow in its meandering path. Yet, I long for the freedom of letting the words flow, with me sailing on its back...

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Both yesterday & today we've awakened to the stench of smoke

This is a photo from yesterday, taken from our house. It has been a crazy few days. We are fine. The La Canada Station Fire has taken over our lives. Both yesterday and today we've awakened to the stench of smoke. It is really bad this morning. My eyes are burning and I am sitting here inside my own house.

The fire is no closer to us, but depending on the shift of the wind, the smoke can overwhelm. And then it blows somewhere else, to engulf and surround another neighborhood. The frequency of helicopters and low flying planes is such, that I'm not noticing the sounds anymore.

On Saturday, the air was fairly clear here, so we could go up a mile and take the pictures below.

(Note: this is not my home, but on the mandatory evacuation line.)

We stood on the evacuation line with other people from our town, united in concern and awe, watching the incredible battle going on in our hills. The huge DC10 plane

did flyovers, dumping the flame retardant... while we stood, clustered and mostly silent.

The police have been very patient with those of us needing to watch what is going on from the evacuation lines.

I've had plans for weeks to leave today to go up north to my mother's. I'm leaving with the kids today, and will be checking in with E. Our home is safe, but so many others are not...


Please continue to pray for all the Southern Californians, who have now lost their homes since last night. And for the amazing firefighters who continue to work around the clock fighting a fire that is out of control.




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Added note: The fire double in size last night. Almost 86,000 acres now.

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It took a while to bring BOY down from his mini-testosterone high

We've been very distracted by the fires here in S. California. Since last night, we've been watching fire & flames on the nearby mountains. This morning we awakened to smoke in the house. Fine pieces of ash are floating through the air. Another day of indoors...and quiet activities. Try telling this to two little children who have been with each other all summer long...

The photo above is what it looks like in the hills just west of us. We are OK, being a few miles downhill, but this is the closest fire we've had in the 9 years we've lived in this lovely small town. The La Canada Station fire has spread into the western border of our town. We have many friends who are on high alert/voluntary evacuation. The containment is negligible at this point. Helicopters are constantly flying overhead dropping water and flame retardant solution in the hills 2-3 miles from here.

Last night, when it was time for the kids to get in their PJs, BOY started madly pulling out clothes from his dresser. Then he began throwing on his long pants and sweatshirt. He was READY for ACTION.

I'm going to FIGHT the fire with the Firefighters!

It took a while to bring BOY down from his mini-testosterone high. But, I was smiling and feeling like a proud mama... His heart...oh, it is SO big.

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Please send good thoughts and prayers to all the amazing firefighters battling the fires in S. California. And to the people who are at risk for losing their homes.

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Photo courtesy of CBS News.

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Perhaps more Hollywood Producers should try the view from a minivan car seat

What was 5 year old BOY's reaction to viewing the recent billboards for the movie Surrogates?

What THE heck?!

Exactly, BOY. Exactly...

Oh, then to be fair, there is the...male version.

I don't see him bent over, do you? I haven't seen these billboards. I'm thinking they must be promoting them in W. Hollywood, so that they can barrage us with the family friendly female versions here.

Helloooo, Mr. Willis??!! Perhaps more Hollywood producers should try the view from a minivan car seat. Come on big boys, I've got room in the back. But, I may not unbuckle you when we get there...



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Photos courtesy of Google Images.

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And having that special Mommy & GIRL time...

If ever there was a perfect afternoon to follow-up a challenging week, yesterday was it. While BOY went off to launch his rocket with Daddy, GIRL and I went on our own afternoon adventure.

We started out with a trip to the shoe store, where we found the very last pair of sandals in her size. They fit! I'm always about a month behind on the retail seasonal changes... GIRL hasn't gotten a new pair of sandals since last summer, and she was SO due.

Then we went to our local coffee shop, for treats and cool drinks. The Coffee Gallery is a wonderful neighborhood haunt that bills itself as "the funky little coffee house." They have live entertainment at night - from poetry readings to a variety of kick ass music. While the barista heated up our cinnamon roll to share, and fixed our drinks: chocolate milk and Chai tea, GIRL set up her little toys at one of the tables.

GIRL's request, for our afternoon together, had been that we play with her miniature toy set - Kai-Lan and Mr. Fluffy and Mr. Fluffy's Bakery...while teaching me some Chinese. Ahem...

We then spent a wonderful hour playing with toys, and getting creative with napkins - a wedding dress, a suit, and later...a race car. It was special time with my GIRL, and we were able to talk about so many things. GIRL craves and needs intellectual stimulation. I am realizing more than ever how much it means to both of us to have the time together, alone.

In the end, it is always about sharing time together. Being together as a family. And having that special Mommy & GIRL time...


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Photo Credit: The fabulous Petrea at Pasadena Daily Photo.

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